Thursday, December 29, 2005

Being Honest Here!

Before setting my Goals for 2006 I need to do some more thinking about what I did or didn't do in 2005...this time I want to look at the negative things..things that kept me from reaching my goal of 149 pounds... I basically can track it back to 2 things...

1. Not being honest with myself... I've always had a problem with this...I'm a "sneak" eater...in the back of my mind...way back there with all the garbage...I think that if no one sees me eating something then it doesn't count or matter.. I have no problem with eating the right way when there are people around...in the back of my mind (again?)I think I like being a martyr...."Sue only eats healthy, she won't eat like the rest of us"... But then there are those times when I listen to that Evil Eva side of me and give in and buy foods that I know I can't or WON'T control...oh I convince myself that I can, sometimes I even come up with a plan on HOW I will only eat a little of something at a time...it's like I sabbatoge myself. Take for instance Peanut Butter...I know that I love the Natural PB and I'll convince myself that I can buy a jar and keep it in the fridge and only have a little as a treat now and then...I mean after all it's Peanut Butter, no sugar and it's healthy...right??? Ok I get it home and before I put it in the fridge I need to stir it so all the oils will be mixed...and since I've got the jar open I might as well have a little, Right??? And instead of this jar lasting me a month it's gone in a week...because I keep going back and having just a little taste..ok...maybe more than a taste...how about a big spoonfull...now since this isn't a meal I don't have to count it in with the calories for the day...right???
I have the same problem with veggie chips & veggie Tortilla chips lately...I convince myself that once I get the bag home I will divide it up into serving size baggies and only have one every other day... I have accually done this a few times and it works out good...I count them in with my daily calorie count and only eat them with a meal... but then there has been those times when I didn't even get the bag home before I opened it and had a few handfuls and before I know it the bag is gone...usually this happens on the weekends when I am home by myself...
Now who am I fooling here? ...only myself... This is all about making the right choices and most of the time I do make the right choice, it's those few times that I don't that are killing me...and if I'm totally honest with myself here, then it's probably more than a few tims.. a few times won't have made much of a differance so obviously I'm blocking out alot of those times and pretending that I'm more perfect than I am here...Sooo what's the answer here?

2. Not Journaling I have no idea why I can't seem to get a handle on this. I know that when I honestly journal I stay on Plan...but then we go back to #1 and I conviently forget to put down that I had that spoonfull of pb or that handful of chips..or the weekend comes and I convince myself that I don't have time to write down what I eat when I eat it and then it's too late and since I've missed that day, why bother...I convince myself that I'm doing alright without journaling...I can't tell you how many times in the past year I have said I was going to conquer Journaling...only to give up on it after a few days...I have the little notebook that I bought the last time I promised myself that I was going to start...it's almost empty...I've tried several differant ways ..on the computer...but since I don't usually go on the computer at home...I miss the weekends and then it's the same ol' run a round...always an excuse....

Now the Big question is How IMPORTANT to ME is Journaling in 2006? ... Well let me take a look at the pro's and cons of Journaling...

PRO... 1. When I stay honest with it, it makes me accountable for what I eat. 2. Whenever I have stayed accountable for eating healthy I have lost actual pounds.
3. This gives me something to look back at and see what I am doing right or wrong.
4. I can't cheat and conviently forget that I ate something if I log it in....

CON I have to take the time to either write in my little book or go on the computer to log in what I eat...
2. I know this is a dumb one...but I hate my handwriting..it irrates me when I go back and look at what I've done to see such scribbling...(I do tell myself to get over this one...but I'm being honest here and this is something that bothers me).
3. I can't cheat and conviently forget that I ate something if I log it in...

OK I know it's important that I get in the habit of journalling and to be totally honest with myself... It is a big step in getting myself under control if I am truly serious about reaching my goal of 149 #'s or less this coming year...

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Thanks to ParttimeMom

I've changed from "Moderate Comments" to word verification... don't faint but I actually hit the ? on it and read up and it sounds more like what I want to do...
This way it keeps those bothersome automated comments out... YAY!!!

What I accomplished in 2005!

So it's that time of year again when we all make our New Year Resolutions....but before I do that I want to take a positive look at what I have accomplished and then set some new realistic goals for 2006... this is not something I want to rush into because I hate failing...
I looked around to see if I actually wrote up new goals for 2005 but couldn't find them....
I know that losing weight was the main one and I think I was hoping to reach my goal of 149 by this time...but I don't feel too bad because I did go from a size 16 to a size 10 in this year.... so I may not have reached my weight goal but I think I exceeded my size goal...in the back of my mind I think I was thinking size 12.. I never imagined that I would actually be in a size 10 and be thinking about being in a size 8 or 6 as a possibility. And I did lose 20 pounds and kept it off, that in itself is a good thing....

To be more independent and do things by myself should have been on that list because that is something I feel I really accomplished this year for myself. I not only took a couple of trips by myself, I also did a couple of 5K races by myself. I've learned not to wait for someone to go with me to do things, if I really want to do them I can do them by myself, like go to the movies....This may sound easy but for me it is a major accomplishment and it really makes me feel good about myself...I think I've always been the independent type but over the years with Larry, I got to where I didn't want to do things by or for myself...Now that I'm by myself there is nothing to stop me from doing the things I want to do if the opportunity comes up..

With that in mind I think that I take better care of how I look now than I did a year ago... I even get decked out to go to the store...I wear makeup everyday, except when I go running at the park on Sundays, keep my hair colored and trimmed, I used to do this myself but now I spend the extra time and money on a stylist..I gave up doing my nails because they were always getting messed up at the gym but I'm alright with that part. I take pride in how I look...

I've been really working on my self esteem this past year, part of that is looking good but also attitude, trying to be more sure of myself...still need more work on it but I feel that I am more assured of myself than I have been in a long time... I try to be outgoing and happy most of the time. I had less times when I just sat around feeling sorry for myself... I learned to keep busy and not let the negative rule the day..

so looking back on 2005 I'm not that dissatified with it ... in fact I think I did pretty good... Just imagine what I can do in 2006...
Something to look forward too!!!!!

Friday, December 23, 2005

Moderate Comments

It's not that I don't want your comments....I DO I DO, it's just that I'm trying to find a way to do away with those ones that are a nuisance...you know the ones that are trying to drum up business... I don't mind anonymous comments if it has to do with my post...That's why I've decided to try the Moderate Comments on this blog...Just to let you know the only ones I will reject are the ones that are trying to drum up business... I don't care if you agree with me on a subject or not..everyone is entitled to their opinion...

anyhoo...I'm going to try this for a week or two to see if it is really necessary and to see if it works... I know it's nice to see a comment right away on a blog so I will try to review them and post them asap....
Thanks for your patience.
Sue

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Thanks Kid

Let me clarify my last post a little... I'm not complaining that no one compliments me... In fact people at the gym, here at work and my family tell me all of the time how good I look, how impressed they are with the way I have changed for the better... I guess what I am obsessing about is my NEEDING to hear this ALL of the time...to have it reiterated over & over...What I want to know is When will I have heard it enough? When will I finally believe it deep down in subconsious. EE keeps telling me that people just say things to be nice and then the doubts start all over again...And I know that ya'll get tired of hearing me go on & on about it...Sorry but
Self image has been a struggle for me forever... How does one work on that?

Obsessing !!!!!!

Damn, I knew this would happen.... Here I am thinking I'm all set with my meal for Christmas Eve and then I start to obsessing over what I'm going to fix...
I've AGAIN changed my mind about what to have...Oh we'll still have the turkey because I've already ordered it from Honey Baked Hams...but I've decided the rest of the meal has to go....out with it... because no one will like it but me...Well maybe I'll keep the Spinach salad...who could not like it? anyway if no one eats it but me I'll have salad for the rest of the weekend...
also I'm going to keep the appetizer, just because I want to try the recipe and this is my only chance to do it... but the rest of the meal is out...I have to keep in mind that there will be little kids & picky men and I wonder why I worry sooo much whether anyone will like what I fix or not...This should not be that big of a deal...
I keep telling myself that it is only one night and it's not about the FOOD, it's about being with family...but then the "Kid" will say something about how I didn't have any food last year and they all had to go "hungry"...Oh terrors of all terrors for a Mother...that her child goes hungry...
I hate that there is so much focus for me on the Food...this is why I got to be 235 pounds before...trying to make sure no one went hungry and eating right along with it...not that I'm blaming my family for me being fat because I'm the one that chose to put that food in my mouth...I'm the one that chose to just sit around and not get any exercise...no one forced me to eat what I fixed for the family...the same goes for this Xmas Eve...I don't have to eat what everyone else does but I do sooo want them all to like and be impressed with what I serve... IMPRESSED???? Where did that come from... yep, that is a Big part of my trouble... I want gratitude!!!! Is that so wrong??? I want to be praised!!!! I want people to go away from my house on Xmas Eve saying how good everything was...something in me needs this...

Which brings me to something else I've been obsessing about since yesterday after lunch for #1 Niece...this is something I find myself doing alot and I hate myself for it...but I fish for compliments all of the time... I feel so good about myself that I want my family & freinds to constantly comment on how good I look...Now I know that they really think I'm looking good but I find myself NEEDING to hear the words...Why is this? It drives me crazy afterwards but I find the words popping out of my mouth..."Don't I look good?" I guess I'm just so afraid that what I see and feel isn't what everyone else sees...what if I REALLY am still fat and ugly...and everyone is just too nice to say otherwise...How do I deal with this? Will it get any better after I lose this last 20 pounds or will I always think in the back of my mind that I'm fat? I have got to stop obsessing about these little things in life...

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Christmas Eve Dinner

I finally came up with the menu for Christmas Eve... Man is this hard for me since there will be nothing with tofu in it...
I keep remembering past Christmas's where I had so much food that Lar and I ate left overs for a week after... Don't want that to happen so am trying to curb myself and not get crazy and overdoing it....I'm just afraid once I start that there will be no stopping me...
At first I thought about finger foods...Chick-fil-le chicken bites (not that I have ever had them) then the "Kid" told me they are deep fried...Oh my Gawd..no way is that coming into my house.
I've been looking at recipes trying to make up my mind what type of foods to serve...then this morning it hit me, I'm kind of in the mood for Traditional...I was thinking ham might be good but then after talking with #1 Niece, who told me that they have Ham at the mother in laws on Christmas, decided against it, besides I really can't see me eating ham...I thought I would check out the Honey Baked Ham web site anyway and see what else they had and LO & BEHOLD there it was .... my favorite...Honey Baked Smoked Turkey Breast... Wow like I would eat that in a flash...my mouth is watering like crazy just thinking about it...so I ordered one before I could change my mind...so that's a start at least...
Looking at the recipes on the Kraft web site I saw an appetizer that I want to try with cresent rolls, cream cheese, pesto sauce & sun dried tomato..served with crackers & fresh veggies... so there are two things that I will eat...
Then I realized that I didn't get any cranberry sauce at Thanksgiving so add that to my list...
For salad I'm going to have my favorite Spinach,strawberries,walnut & crumbled blue cheese...already spoke to the "Kid" to see if she would bring Blue Cheese Dressing since I know her family doesn't like vingerettes, which is the only kind of dressing I have..and if I went to the store to buy some I know I wouldn't be able to make myself buy any except the low fat and that's not what they want...good plan Sue!!!
Let's see what else would go good with this menue... I could make my old stand by Sweet Potato's & apples...have to be careful not to make anything "weird" as my son-in-law says...altho I did see a recipe for roasted veggies that I really wanted to try but since it has sweet potato, parsnips & red onion in it, it would probably be considered "weird" maybe I'll fix it for myself...
Now all I have to figure out now is a dessert....maybe something with pumpkin...boy is this ever turning out very tradional...oh well...at least I'm actually serving food this year, better than I did last year...
Now the only thing I have to figure out is where everyone is going to sit since I got rid of my bigger dining room table for a nice small one and I really don't want people eating in my living room on my coffee tables...I do have a card table I set up for the kids but the 8 adults could be a problem...oh well it'll all work itself out one way or the other...I wonder if I can serve this on paper plates...don't want to end up with a lot of dirty dishes...LOL
Dang I'm getting excited..and I think with this menu I won't be soo focused on food that I go off plan too much...
So far lately I haven't lost any pounds but my clothes seem to be fitting better..don't want to get to crazy between now & New Years since I am going to wear my new dress out up in SC...

Friday, December 16, 2005

It's starting to feel like Christmas

I have all my shopping done...all the presents bought for the kids, my packages shipped out to Wyoming and Colorado and I even did Christmas Cards with a news letter this year... Quick let me take my tempature...I must be sick....LOL.

I had a rough patch there for awhile but I am sooo much better now...hopefully that will be it for this year...I know I will always grieve for Larry but I just hate how it makes me feel...I know he wouldn't want me to be unhappy sooo here I am back to my old self...

I love buying gifts for people... I am the queen of dumb gifts... I get it from my Mom...she always tried so hard to give us a good Christmas but having very little monies and four kids she always ended up buying us the dumbest (cheapest)gifts.... I think back now and realize that I do the same thing...The other thing I remember about Christmastime as a kid is that was the only time we ever got Fudge, Christmas cookies and mincemeat pies (Mom & I are the only ones that liked mincemeat pie). to this day I still associate Christmas with Fudge. I think "the Kid" does too since she says she wants her p'butter fudge that I used to make for her..Altho I've been tempted...Sorry, it's not going to happen...I know what would happen, I would end up eating way to much of it before I even got it to her...I love cleaning out the pan and licking the spoon...I have no will power when it comes to Fudge...

I want to start new traditions that do not include food...
Singing... don't we all associate this time of the year with Singing Christmas Carols? I grew up with music...my Mom played guitar & sang all of the time, but I always loved listening to choirs, even used to sing in the Church choir when young.. something about that music always puts you in the mood... I can't carry a tune to this day but I do love singing along with the radio when no one can hear me...LOL..
Every Christmas Eve I think I will get the kids to sing Christmas carols but so far we haven't done too much... Who knows maybe this year will be the year.

One tradition I've tried to start since the Grandkids were old enough to understand is to have someone read the story of Jesus's birth on Christmas Eve when we are all at my house. Although I'm agnostic I do believe that if we are going to celebrate the day then we need to know why we are celebrating... and it is a beautiful story. This year I have asked my 7 yr old Grandson to read it, I'm hoping it will be something special for him and not just a chore...I gave the book to his Mom "the Kid" so he could learn any words he didn't know before hand.

I always make these big plans before and it never comes off the way I plan it but that's okay too because it's still fun to watch the little ones enjoy themselves.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Larry & Christmas

I love the holidays but they make me miss Larry more than any other time of the year.. My emotions are all over the place...
I drive by the Christmas lights and think how pretty, then I think "Larry should see these". He loved this time to the year, not so much the gift giving but the season itself. We would put our lights on the house the day after Thanksgiving (thanks to our Neighbor)and I'm talking about the whole outside of the house and lots of lights in the yard even in the trees. Then I would turn them on every morning so he could see them as he drove off to work. He left for work at 5 am and it was still dark then. On the weekends we would always drive around the neighborhoods just looking at everyones Christmas lights. There were a couple of years when we first moved into the house that the whole cul-de-sac (all 6 houses) decorated and you could see them miles away...As the years went by and people moved away, new peoples moved in and now there is only one house that is decorated and it's not mine... I just don't have the holiday spirit. I did pull out a few decorations for the inside of the house and of course the little tree that #1 Niece bought for Larry's hospital room his last Christmas. It's up on the Mantle with the angel that I bought to watch over him...

This is the third Christmas I have spent without him and I'm finding myself missing him more than words can say. Someone suggested that maybe it would help if I told about some of my memories of past Christmas's with Larry...

He was my own Santa, at 6'4" and weighing almost 300 pounds, he definately had the belly for it, it even jiggled when he laughed and he did laugh alot... He loved watching kids, he would sit in his chair and just be amazed at the joy they had opening presents... He was a big kid himself...and loved playing with the toys as much as the kids did... I do remember the year he bought "the Kid" her bike and we all put it together Christmas Eve... of course he wouldn't even look at the directions.. said he knew what he was doing.. then we ended up having to take it all apart and as I read the directions he & "the Kid" put it together... we were up all night but we sure did have fun...at least that is how I remember it.
We were together for 23 Christmas's and that's alot of memories but I would give anything if he was still here to make more. I guess I am just greedy. Hopefully I won't become a "grinch". That would be pretty hard to do with my GrandKids. I'll just keep Larry here in my heart and keep talking to him in my head telling him about all the things he's missing.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Did you ever have a day when you got dressed and looked in the mirror and thought "Damn I look good, I wish I could take a picture of me" but then think to your self that every picture you've seen of yourself doesn't EVER look as good as what you see in the mirror... Why is this????

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Kick in the A$$

Thurs 12/8/05...I started this post on Tuesday, saved it as a draft and decided to finish it later..I should know better...here it is 2 days later and I haven't done any thing with it....

Tuesday 12/6/05
Just as I feared....I took Sunday off from exercising and yesterday I had no motivation to get back into it. I did go to the gym, did some stretches, abs and played a couple of games of racquetball but didn't really give it my all... So it's time to give myself a big Kick in the A$$ and get back to it tonight..

I have to admit it was nice taking a day off. I did run/walk at the park by myself on Saturday morning before going and picking up the GrandDaughter. It was a little cold and there wasn't hardly anyone at the park, but I really did enjoy it.. When I first got there I told myself that I would only go one time around the lake (3 miles) but I warmed up nicely and felt like I had it in me to go the second lap around ...at one point on my second lap, a runner that was going the opposite direction passed me gave me a "Rocky" salute and yelled "way to go, you're looking good" (it was the second time he had gone past me...) I'm starting to feel like a true runner...

Tonight at the gym I will do 30 mins on the TM (if I can get on one, if not then I will try for the eliptical) then work upper body with the weights...
Thurs Note* I did go to the gym Tues nite..the TM kicked my a$$.. I haven't done the tm for about 3 weeks, then did only about 40 mins of weights...soo much for good intentions... Took last night off since I didn't have a racquetball game scheduled..went home and cleaned the house then went and got my grocery shopping done for the week. Now I don't have to do it this weakend and I'll be able to get an extra workout in at the gym.

parttimemom commented on my last post and got me to thinking. She said "Alright - you've figured out what went wrong. Now what went right? And what can make it better? :)"
What went right?... the fact that I do keep up with exercising everyday. I know that I need to burn more calories than I take in and also that muscle burns more calories than fat....see I have learned my lessons well....
What can make it better? get control of my mindless eating when I am at home... Exercise is easy for me because I love the way it makes my body feel... instant satifaction... if only I could find a way to feel the same way bout only eating when and what I need to..
I have posted a Mantra on the cupboard at home, the one that keeps calling me at night..
it is
"I've come to far to have food dictate to me"
"I will get to 160 pounds"
"I'm looking good now but can look even better if I don't give into this urge"

Thursday, December 01, 2005

1st day of December

24 days left til Christmas... 30 days left for New Years...4 weeks to lose this 8 pounds... sounds do-able but then why didn't I do it in November?
I just went back and re-read my blog for Novemeber 1st.. Such big Plans...so What happened? ...

JOURNALING I journalled for ohhhh let's see... 3 days... let's face it, I will never be one of those peoples who write everything down that they eat... just not going to happen... a part of me rebels everytime I think I will do it... I had good intentions, even bought a little book to write in. I think it's still in my truck somewhere....I did carry it around in my purse for about 2 weeks but it started to get tore up... And I did go into Fitday.com but couldn't remember my login or password and didn't want to start a new account because then I would have to put all those facts on the foods that I eat that aren't on it already back in and I hate having redo things... See I really am lazy and hate imputing....or at least I good at making excuses to myself why I don't journal.

Changing my meals Plan... yeah, sure it sounded good but I found that I was eating the bigger lunch and then going home and still eating the same dinners that I would have before... So stopped that right away...
#1 Niece asked me the other day why I was messing around with my meals since I was losing weight on the way I was eating... Good Question... I guess I do get impatient and want to lose this weight faster (I hate Plateau's)... it's such a natural high when that scale starts to move that of course you want more....

So do I have a Plan for this Month? Nope, unless you can call eating Healthy (staying away from the sugars as much as possible, lots of veggies & fruits), drinking my water and getting all of my exercise done a Plan....I call it MY Life!!!

The good news is that I didn't gain any weight last month... in fact I lost 1 pound... not much I know but I'll take it...
And if I don't lose this 8 pounds by New Years what will I do then? Just keep trying until it finally drops off from me... I will not be a quitter...

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Compromised!!

You guessed it.. I went to the gym last night...but I did compromise with EE & MM and took my book with me and read while I did 45 mins on the bike... I had planned on running on the tm soo this is good for me...almost like a "rest" right?
Ok I did do some weights but just 3 sets for those ugly triceps & biceps and I did do 3 set of bench presses but that's all.... oh yeah, I forgot... I did some ab workout too but not as many as I usually do...only 3 set of crunches, obliques, and my favorite ..the dreaded standing on that machine and pulling your legs straight up (not quite sure what it's called but it sure works on the lower abs) but I promise that's all.. My bra was soaked by the time I got done but I wasn't tired at all and I did get home in time to watch the Biggest Loser and work on my puzzle...

I got to thinking that I won't be able to run on Sunday since I have the Granddaughter coming to spend the night with me..so I will get a day of rest this week....of course running after a 2 year old is a workout in itself....
More about that later

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Suesday?

I've come to the conclusion there aren't enough days in the week for me.

I've been reading that all the experts say that I need a day of rest from exercise one day a week to give my body a chance to recoup...but then they also say that I should also take a week off once every 6 to 8 weeks (no way is that going to happen) but if I could just figure out how to add a day to the week I might consider giving it a consideration...

I go to the gym straight from work everyday...My schedule is 1-2 hrs of racquetball on Monday, Weds, Friday & Saturday. I run at the park on Sunday. Tuesday is my serious day working out with weights for my arms & chest (this is my day for bench pressing) and doing some type of cardio (I try to alternate between the tm, eliptical or bike)at the gym from 5:30 - 7 pm. Thurs I work with weights from 5:30 pm until my Hip Hop Class at 8 pm. Hip Hop is for an hour. In this time I take at least 15-20 mins to do stretching exercises. I love stretching, it feels soooo good. On the days I play racquetball I usually have about an hour before to do some type of weight workout so try to alternate between legs & back. And on Saturday after racquetball I work on anything that I feel I didn't push myself on enough during the week...All this and I've added 20 mins in the morning for abs at home. I wonder why I feel tired today...

I do treat myself with the Hot Tub on Saturday after working out and feel that my rest day is Sunday since I don't go to the gym (so what if I run 3-6 miles, it not a workout right?)....shouldn't that be enough for my body to recoup but NOOOOO, I'm told that I need a full day of NO exercise at all...Not sure I agree with this but it does seem like my body is getting more tired faster lately (I've been going at this pace for about 2 years with a day of rest maybe one day every couple of weeks when I get to feeling to tired to go on)and then too I have to figure in my old age..LOL....

There isn't a day that I want to miss my workout , racquetball or running. I really do enjoy each one (otherwise I wouldn't be doing it). So I'm thinking if I could just add a day maybe after Sunday.... I could call it Suesday...

This might be a good thing all around because of course I wouldn't have to work this day and I could just absolutely veg all day...

But seriously, I know that I am running a risk of injury by pushing myself too much but every time I think about taking a day of rest I convince myself that I don't want to miss out on that good feeling I get from working my body to the max... Oh No I've become OBSESSIVE....

All this because I'm fighting with EE & MM about not going to the gym tonight but going straight home from work to finish reading the book I'm reading and working on my puzzle. The last time I took a day off was last Tues when I was sick and have been pushing myself extra since to make up taking that day off. I guess we won't know who wins until I get in the car after work.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Fear

When I was in the Hot Tub at the gym yesterday I got to thinking about all of my fears... I have had a lot of them through my life. I got to listing all of them in my head and thinking how I've conquered some of them and still have some to either conquer or learn to live with. I hate the feeling of being afraid.

I think one of my major fears in life has always been that I would end up alone without anyone to love me...Well, here I am alone but I don't feel that I am not loved.. I have my family and altho they don't live with me, they are within easy reach whenever I need them... Also I have my memories of Larry and the knowledge that he truly did love me and I really can't imagine loving someone else as much as I loved him. He truly was my soul mate, my other half, my best freind in life. Even tho I miss him more than words can say, I make it through each day without him...being by myself is hard at times but I do it because I don't have any other choice... I guess that is the thing with Fears.. you can't let them rule you.

I have always had a fear of water..so much that for years I won't even think about getting into a swimming pool. I think some of it stems back from when I was young (doesn't everything?) and the fact that I had to take my glasses off to get in the pool... now I hated not being able to see and I also hated getting my face wet..I know weird but that's still something I have to conquer..After a year I am now comfortable in the hot tub. So I was thinking maybe the way to conquer fear is take it slow and just get accustomed to something.. So I got in the pool and walked to the 4 1/2 feet (holding on to the side)the water went up to my chin and it wasn't too bad, altho I did have a few flutters in the stomach, so I went back and did it again without holding, scary but I survived, so I did it 3 more times... I kept telling my self that this is just another way of exercising... Don't know if I will keep doing this every weekend but it might be worth the effort...

Another fear (and I think I've actually conquered this one over the last couple of years) has to do with being FAT and what people think of me and for this reason I advoided putting on a swim suit.. I hated the way my body looked... well losing 60 pounds helped this but I still have a roll around my middle and know that I have a ways to go before I will look good (or what I consider good) in a swim suit but I don't let this stop me anymore...what people think can't hurt me physically and the only way it can hurt me mentally is if I let it...It took a while to learn this but I'm comfortable with myself enough now to not let what people think bother me...I am who I am and if they don't like how I look then they don't have to look at me... at least that is how I'm feeling right now...tomorrow who knows?

As I mentioned I have many fears, more than I want to go into right now, but one fear that I don't want to conquer is the Fear of gaining back all of my weight... this fear keeps me eating right and exercising daily...

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

I'm back at work today and feeling much better.
I went home at noon yesterday, crawled into bed and slept a couple of hours. Woke up feeling somewhat better but still not 100%. Moanin' Mona started in about how much better she would feel if we just got into the car and went to the store and bought something "chocolate" but I didn't want to get dressed to go.. We had this conversation in my head all afternoon and night.. I tried hot tea, she still wasn't satisfied, so I finally made some Fruit Tapioca Pudding using the Pineapple Mango juice I had in the fridge and Splenda (I try to limit my use of Splenda but sometimes you just have to give in and have something sweet)... I usually refrigerate it until it sets but ate it hot this time and it seemed to satisfy all.... it was good...and low fat/no sugar so it fit in with my plan...
For Dinner I did have some potato/egg/tofu which was good... and drank lots of Hot Green Tea... I worked on a puzzle and watched "The Biggest Loser" then My Name is Earl (love that show) then went back to bed... Had no problem sleeping until 5 am this morning so that must show you just how sick I really was since I NEVER sleep clear through the night...
I got up this morning and my leg is back to normal...halleluja..so I did my ab/oblique workout then got ready for work... There was absolutely no traffic this morning and it took me no time to get here... I'm working Friday and I can imagine what it will be like then (except for all those crazy buyers out for the sales)...
I'm so glad that I get to go the gym tonight altho my racquetball partner won't be there... I'll just do some drills and work on some problems I have with my backhand... and I have to make up for missing last night...so will need to do some upper body workout with the weights....I think I'll give my leg another couple of days before I chance working with weight on it.
I am not going to weigh myself until Saturday altho I have been sooo tempted to do so every morning and sometimes in the middle of the night....I Will Not get Addicted to the scale...a whole nother issue I have to deal with...LOL

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

I absolutely hate being sick!!!!

I absolutely hate being sick!!!
I pulled something in my left leg(actually in my left side of my butt which makes the pain run all the way down my leg to my toes ..ouch) while doing stretches last night at the gym and was up all night with the pain.. This morning when I woke up (after about a half an hour sleep) I was sick to my stomach and headachey... I keep telling myself that I am too mean to be sick...and that I absolutely REFUSE to give into it...I'm here at work but if I can't convince myself that I feel better by noon I think I will go home.. I just can't handle anything right now... I feel all weepy and yucky....I hate it...

The one fear I have of staying home sick is that Moanin' Mona loves comfort food.. yep, my mind is already thinking homemade potato soup...with lots of butter...luckily I don't have the ingredients at the house to make it... my other fav is homemade hot choc cornstarch pudding... again no ingredients...soo that part of my plan is working... If you don't have it in the house it makes it harder to give into temptation...but comfort food makes me feel so much better...at least for a little bit...LOL..
I'm not sure why I associate food with being sick...maybe it's because when I was a kid and if I stayed home from school sick that's the one time I got special treatment from my Mom... I would get 7 UP if I was sick to my stomach, and we never had soda's at our house just KoolAid. And when I was in the hospital (age 6) to get my tonsils out I got Ice Cream... sooo see even the medical profession thinks you should have special foods when you are sick...
I'm afraid I did the same for the girls when they were young... I just hope I didn't mess things up for them by giving them special foods when they were sick....like I could do anyting else......

Monday, November 21, 2005

It is getting easier...

I noticed on my run yesterday morning that it is getting easier...
When I first started running I could barely make it a mile without feeling like my legs were lead and my breathing sounded like a train.
But yesterday it all just felt smooth... I've learned to take a deep breath through my nose, hold it and let it out slowly while running the straight aways so that when I do come to those dreaded hills I can really push myself... yesterday I just enjoyed the run, walked two hills (one I normally run up but decided to take it a little easier on myself). My goal is to run the whole 3 miles without walking at all. I think I'm pretty close to it if I just would push myself that little extra bit.. but I let my mind get t0o much control... I hear Moanin' Mona & Evil Eva go on about how I can't make that hill and it's such a temptation just to listen to them..
I don't understand why they are still around..
I really need to have an exorcism and get rid of them. I can just see me sitting in my living room on the floor around my coffee table with candles lit, chanting and weaving...that's as far as I go... maybe it's time to have another girls night and we could all figure out how to get rid of these personalities of mine.. the scary thought is what I would replace them with....whhhhhooooaaaa....

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

What the Heck have I done in the last week?

It's been almost a week since I've blogged... Now i know when I go to other blogs and see that they haven't updated I get upset... What the heck are they doing that is so important that they can't take a couple of minutes to update their blog? Well. Lets see.... Just what have I been doing for a week?

Friday... I didn't have to work because it was Veterans Day.. No i don't work at a bank or for the government but I do work with the government soooo if they get the day off I usually do too. anyhoooo... I slept in... until 8 am... and then got up put some music on... ZZ tops, Eric Clapton, Inxs, ect...ect... ect.. you get the idea, and cleaned my house... dust bunnies beware... took down the Halloween decorations (this took a whole 10 mins) put them back up in the attic. Looked at my clock and saw it was almost time for lunch... Called The Kid to see if she wanted to meet but she already had plans soooo called #1 Niece to see if she and the kids wanted to go to the new restaurant by Wally world... and yay, they did...
Had a good lunch... stayed within my plan by having soup and half a chicken/spinach wrap... it was pretty good. It was fun visiting the Golden Child (he's 7 and very smart) and his sister Mini-meme who is 2 yrs old going on 7..she speaks in another language (not sure what it is but her Mommy says its Cantonese) but is very fun to watch because she is soooo serious when she is talking to you...
Next I had to go to The Kids office to take her some books to read over the weekend...she & family were going to the "hunting club". Saw #2 niece who works with The Kid... made plans to take #2 niece to lunch for her b'day on Tuesday (she turned 22 yrs old yesterday).. got back in the car drove home to get changed to go play racquetball.... drove to the gym worked out a little then played for a couple of hours... got home early so could get some sleep before the 5K in the morning.

Saturday... got up early, it was cold, around 40 degrees, #1 Niece came and picked me up to go to the 5K race.. It was at the park where we run on Sundays but of course we run the opposite way than what the race was.. I knew I was in trouble right off the start...my shoes weren't tied tight enough and my ankle felt very wobbly...so the first hill that we came to I pulled over to tie both shoes tight and to take off my sweatshirt and tie it around my waist.. now altho I hurried I knew this was going to take some time off from my finish.. Lots of hills and I ended up walkling more than I wanted but got a cramp in my right leg & hip that I just couldn't get past... but I did run the last 1/4 of mile ... my time was my worst yet... but I still came in 1st for my age group. I got another plaque, it's smaller than the last one but I like it... I haven't hung it up yet.
After the race...I went home, took a shower and packed my bag & my cooler. Then drove to a small town outside of Columbia SC to some friends house where we had a grill out. My Friend Con had been to Alaska this past summer and brought home a Salmon he had caught and had it frozen until I could come up to share it... They had another couple who brought fresh Shrimp for Charleston area..so I ate pretty good..altho I did have a couple of glasses of wine.. It was an interesting and fun night.

Sunday morning.. I got up before anyone else and took a run for an hour thro town.... it was so peaceful and quiet... I love small towns.. then We sat around and visited until it was time for me to drive home... I love going to see these peoples.. I always bring home a bag of books...

Monday...back to work....played racquetball
Tuesday...work again...Went to lunch for #2 Nieces B'day with The Kid, #1 Niece (who brought The Golden Child & Mini-meme)and Lisa (a good friend who works with The Kid) ...worked some more....worked out at the gym ... went home watched The Biggest Loser and My Name is Earl... the only shows I ever watch on a regular base....
And now here it is Weds... No plans just work & go to the gym tonight ...

Now I Know alot more happened than this but geez how boring can you get...

Thursday, November 10, 2005

It's a Great Day!!

It's amazing to me how much of this whole healthy living thing is Mental...
I'm having a GREAT day today.. Got up in time to take that extra time to look good.. I'm wearing my size 10 Levi's and my hair turned out really good... I have my fav workout clothes in the bag ready for a really hard intense workout tonight...my food is all packed for the day, no extra's just in case of an emergency, and my water is going down good.
Yesterday was such a bust, I just couldn't get into it at all. I felt like I looked like a slob, even the Kid, when I saw her, asked why I was wearing that big shirt, (it went in the give away pile this morning). I was hungry all day and didn't have any energy for the gym.. I ended up mostly talking to one of the guys about his brother who has ALS (I think he really needed someone to talk too) and didn't get much of a workout, then my racquetball partner bailed on me so all I did was some practice shots (about 20 mins worth) then went home.. I was home before 8 pm..which is very unusual for me. I fixed one of my frozen Amys Mexican Casseroles and had some more Veggie Tortilla Chips and sat down in front of the TV and watched an old movie... something I haven't done in a long time... I guess I needed a day like yesterday to appreciate today.
I think I'm going to reconsider changing my eating plan to where I eat the larger meal at lunch and the smaller one at night... There's nothing written down in stone that says I have to do anything one way or the other... and for me (mentally at least) it works better the old way... so I have my spinach/turkey wrap (which I absolutely love) my pickle and my strawberries all ready for lunch.. Just knowing that I will get this for lunch makes it easier for me and I'm not tempted to try to find something else to eat in before lunch... I'm satisfied with my banana today...

Like I said Soo much of this is mental...

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Bad Hair Day

So why is it that when I'm dressed to the nines and having a really good hair day that I don't even think about eating?

This morning I woke up late after another night of tossing & turning... of course I finally fell asleep around 4:30 and when the alarm went off at 5:30 I turned it off and rolled over and went back to sleep...woke up at a quarter after 6 and I needed to be out of the house by 7...now it takes me at least 45 mins just to make myself beautiful in the morning and that's on the days I don't shower... this morning was a shower day...no time... so I get up decide I don't have time to make myself look good enuff to wear the skirt and top I had planned on wearing so grabbed an old pair of black jeans and one of my big tops (I think I bought it in Colorado back in 1986)... decided even tho the pants are baggy and the shirt is really long and big on me that I feel like being a slob today. My hair is sticking straight up everywhere but don't have time to wet it down and start over with the blow drying/straightening and all. So I glob some more pomade on it and try to straighten the worst parts...needless to say it didn't help much... throw my makeup on and brush my teeth.. good thing I packed my gym bag during the night when I couldn't sleep...too bad I didn't pack my food bag then too... I go into the kitchen only 10 mins behind my schedule.. fix my protein drink and grab the necessities for my food bag, banana for breakfast, apple & string cheese for pm break, almonds for before the gym and sugar snap peas for after the gym.. 2 water bottles to keep in the fridge at work since they no longer have filtered water...It is now 7 am. Realize I'm out of time and will have to buy lunch today...

Ok I get to work on time...whew... but now I realize I'm hungry...Not sure but I think it's because of the new plan where I eat my big meal at lunch and a smaller meal when I get home from the gym..or it could just be that since my clothes are so baggy that I think I have more room to fill up.. Should it matter what I am wearing or how I look in what I eat? Yesterday I looked HOT, but sometime in the night I decided that I dress unappropriately (sp?) for work so had decided to try dressing down a little. No low black tight top, or form fitting pants with 4" heels for me today.. but instead I just feel like the old me...yep the old me that spent all day thinking about eating and doing it... I haven't got a name for this old me but I don't like her... Tomorrow I'm going back to the new me...the Sexy Sue... and who cares whether it is appropriate or not...As usual there is never a half way for me... it's always all the way or no way...
I have been journaling everything I eat and so far today i have eaten something pretty much on the hour... not good...
I will be going to the gym tonight to work out and play racquetball and it's a good thing...

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

New Month, New Plan!!

Here it is the 1st of November already.. Where did this year go? This is normally a rough time of the year for me for several reasons which I'm not going to go into at this time... but I know I need a plan on how I am going to get through the next couple of months and still lose the 10 pounds I sooo want to lose..

The first thing I'm going to give another try to JOURNALING... I know that it really does work... not just journaling what I eat but exercise and how I'm feeling. This blog is basically that as far as feelings go.. but there is alot of things I don't put here because I can't stand "negativity" and I really don't want to give Moanin' Mona a free hand...I'm usually pretty good for about 2 weeks on journaling my foods but then I hit a weekend and miss a couple of days and then don't seem to get back to it.. also I get discouraged that there isn't an easy way to keep track of calories.. Fitday seems to be the best but even it has it's bad points... one being that I eat things that aren't on the chart and I can't seem to find a decent book that give me calories fat/carb/protein breakdowns....so I don't get an accurate idea of what I am eating...unless I eat the same thing day in day out... yech...

I'm also thinking of changing my meals so I am eating a bigger meal at lunch and the smaller meal after workout at the gym... seems like most night I get home about 9 pm and by the time I fix a meal and eat it, it is time to go to bed and then my body is soo busy digesting the foods I just ate that I can't sleep... it's a merry go round that I need to get off... One of my excuses for not doing this before is that I eat lunch in my truck and it is too messy trying to eat a meal so I usually have a wrap and some fruit... this again is just an excuse...I need to quit making excuses and Make a PLAN and just DO IT...
So here goes... I will plan what to take for lunch the next day and fix it the night before so it is ready to go in the morning.. I can keep it in the fridge here at work with the water I have to bring now because they took out the filter water machine...(turkeys that they are) .... I can heat it up if needed and eat it in my office then go to my truck for the last half an hour to read...This will allow me to get more protein in and less carbs... I will try this for a week or two and then re evalute to see if it is working... At night I can fix something quick like the spinach/turkey wrap that I usually do for lunch, or Amy's pocket sandwiches.. this should satisfy me....

So I need to stop at WalMart tonight and buy me a new note book for jotting down things in until I can log in to Fitday (and thoughts that I don't feel comfortable saying here) and plastic dishes with lids to bring meals in.
This does sound like a PLAN!!

Friday, October 28, 2005

How old am I really?

I just figured out that I really like playing... it's like I'm trying to make up for lost time. And I finally found someone to play with... Yay!!!!

#2 Niece and I did the Hip Hop class last night... it was fun. I wish I could say I am good at it but alas I still have a long way to go... This is an exercise class not a dance class so don't know what I will do with all these moves I'm learning but you never know it might come in handy if I decide to become a dancer...laugh, laugh!!

I've been hanging out with #2 Niece & her roommate (the Craigman, good looking devil that he is, tall over 6 feet, thin and has long hair down to the middle of his back, too bad he's so young) alot lately. They are both in their 20's and have a lot of energy but I'm doing my best to keep up with them.. They are teaching me how to play hackysack... good for co-ordination and can be done anywhere... Tonight after the gym/racquetball we are going to the haunted house NEVERWORLD to be scared out of our wits.. I can never get anyone to go with me but now I have some playmates that dig the same things I do... WOW...

I think #2 Niece was surprized when I called her to see if they wanted to go with me tonight... She said she had been wanting to go. I could tell she was surprized by the way she sounded that I would want to do such a thing....It sounds like fun to me... I can't wait to try my scary laugh on them...teeheheh

Hanging out with these guys makes me feel so young.. I suppose one day I will have to act my age...but I'm not going to rush into it... I did that for too many years... part of it is being fit enuff to do things... I'm not afraid of what people will say when they see this "old" lady doing things that normally only "young" people do.. I just don't care because I AM HAVING FUN!!!

Tomorrow night we (this includes #1 Niece, The Kid, their hubbies, # 2 niece, The Craigman & me) are all going to a Halloween Party... Costumes and all.. the only ones I know what they are going as is #2 Niece & me...we both bought fake boobies for our costumes...ROTFLMAO...I am going as a "Nasty" Witch and she is going as Jessica Rabbit... I can't wait to see how we look... It ought to be a blast...

Thursday, October 27, 2005

I'm in a reflective mood today!

I've dealt with a low esteem (I just hide it well LOL) most of my life...always worried about what others thought and tried to live my life so I would get the approval of everyone...and when I didn't get that approval then I went into a "black mood" and blame everything, my being fat, being ugly, ect, on the person whose approval I didn't get... when in fact it was my problem not theirs...I could blame my Mom for not encouraging me when I was young but that won't change who I am now... I'm learning to like/love myself..not an easy thing to do..but each day I find something about myself that I like and build from that...I like to say "I'm an work of art in progress"... I'm learning to trust what I think and how I feel about things...if I like something does it really matter if anyone else does? Hey, I drive a pink truck... what can I say?

When Larry came into my life I learned that life goes on no matter what, that there will always be disappointments and I needed to learn how to deal with them....Here was a man that had everything (I thought) taken away from him in a moment, he lost the use of his lower body totally and was confined to a wheelchair at the age of 18 years old but he didn't let that stop him from living life to the fullest.He accepted that he would never do the things he had before in the same way so he found other ways to do them.. He went camping, owned his own boat, drove his own car, even raced at one time... I could go on all day of how special I thought he was, but you know he never saw it that way. He just knew that he had to live life. The point I guess I am trying to make is after he passed away and I looked at my own life I decided to use what he taught me and find another way to live my life...so I can't have the same foods that I did before because, face it, that is one of the things that made me "fat" so instead I found things that I could eat that I enjoy just as much... so instead of those greasy potato chips that I used to eat a whole bag of now I eat raw zuchinni with a little low fat dip, is it the same? No, but I still like it...Do I miss it?....yes there are times I would give anything to be able to go back to eating the way I used to... but I know just what that would lead to sooo I tell myself that part of my life is over...

To me it's all about choices.. I keep things in my house like fruit, zuchinni, ect that I know are good for me and don't buy the things that I know would tempt me, like cookies, potato chips, ice cream, ect so when I am having an off day it makes it easier for me to make a smarter choice... Now I'm far from being perfect..and yes, I do have "off" days but I try not to make it any harder for me than necessary...and I don't expect me to be perfect...and if I do make a wrong choice, such as giving into EE & MM and buying a choc candy bar every once in a while..then I get right back making those right choices again... this has helped me know that I can do this no matter what.. This isn't just a Diet, this is my Way of Life now and for the rest of my life...

Monday, October 24, 2005

Do I really need to lose any more?


It's Monday and I'm fighting Evil Eva big time....She is trying to convince me that weighing 169 is good enuff. Her arguments are as listed.
1. This is the least I have weighed in the last 35 years...
2. If I keep losing then I won't get to wear all of the neat clothes I've been buying.
3. People are telling me that I look good so why bother.
4. If I lose too much more then I will have all this loose skin. I have already noticed this on my arms and legs lately. What if it gets worse? And what about that yucky chicken wattle on my neck?
5. I'm 55 years old for Gawds sake... I need to act my age...
6. If I lose more weight I will look older...I've seen pictures of women who have gotten so skinny they look gaunt..

I don't know if I'm just tired today but some of the things she's yelling in my head makes sense to me... I'm thinking maybe I just need to take a break and maintain the 160's for a while... but then again I might not have a choice... it hasn't been easy losing this last 20 pounds.. What makes me think I can lose another 20 pounds?

The picture above is on the day I ran my first 5K and won 2nd place for my age group... you would think that would motivate me to keep going. but when I look at this picture all I see is the negative things to see... I'm not going to mention them because I'm hoping you don't see what I see...
Is is dumb to be worried about the loose skin on my body? I tell myself that I can always cover it up... No matter what it's better than fat....

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Dream

I had the coolest dream this morning...I dreamt that my truck was being "Overhauled" by Chip Foos (BTW I really like his looks)... yep, in the dream he said to me "You deserve this because you've done so good losing all that weight. You look good and need a truck that looks as good as you"... Whoooa... I did not want to wake up. Pretty good when you even dream about your weight loss...
Now let's talk about my truck.... Overhaulin' took all of the little dings out and painted it the same color (a dark red/pink) and then Chip painted the feather abstract painting I have in my living room on the side of the truck.... it looked way to cool. He also made up some special just for me really cool rims that continuously go around... I love those!!!
They redid the interior too... I got a dark blue soft material seat covers that match the cover on my steering wheel and of course they did the dash board in a silver to go with the siver stripes on the outside... it looked so good.. Gave me a new engine, chromed of course, the same for the tail pipes & bumpers.... oh yeah the bed of the truck was redone with that spray on bed and then a neat cover... WoW, if only I really had the monies to make it look that good...
I LOVE MY TRUCK!!!!

I conquered the day!

After a long hard day fighting MM & EE I've conquered the day again...(imagine me hitting the air in a Rocky salute!!!)
I've compromised with the my alter egos and bought some sugar free hot chocolate, did not give into the do-not's and still ate all of my fruit..but will eat some oatmeal instead of the banana this morning... I have been soo focused on getting out of the 170's and I do want to get down to 165 right away....but I think I can also give a little here and there without blowing everything if I'm careful...
Did anyone watch Biggest Loser this week? One of the guys (Mark, I think) doubled his workouts and basically starved himself thinking he would have a bigger loss and then all he lost was 4 pounds. I could have told him he was going at it all wrong... but I did feel for him...after all that hard work...
It's hard sometimes to remember to take it slow and easy, that nothing worth while happens overnight...so I will relax a little but still stay on plan... just make some small changes.
I played Racquetball last night and realized that this month is is 2 years since I started playing.. boy how that time has flown...People at the gym that I have never talked to before are starting to come up to me and asking me how much I have lost... I guess this last few pounds are really showing.. I know I definately am feeling thinner....

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Moanin' Mona

Moanin' Mona here this morning.. I don't know why SS calls me that just because I don't feel good, I'm achey all over, she never gives me a break, always makes me work out and I'm tired today... I didn't wanna to get out of bed but she made me..it was cold and I don't feel good but would she listen to me... nooo she made me get out of under those warm blankets...see how mean she is... she even made me put on a nice little top when all I wanted to wear was a baggy ole shirt...and I had to put on makeup... no one's going to see me so why do I have to make myself look good...I tell you she's soo mean to me... I never get my way anymore...I almost had my way but even Eva couldn't convince her to stay in bed but we did stay there for an extra 20 minutes just to show her...and we're both working on her today about the way she makes us eat... Maybe this time we will get our way.. it's about time.. I really want some of those do'nots in the lunch room, they look sooo delicious, a couple won't hurt us, don't ya think.... and why do we always have to eat all of that fruit everyday... It may taste good but I think Chocolate tastes better...I never get chocolate anymore....you would think she would at least let me have some hot chocolate.... but noooo all we ever drink is WATER and green tea....you guys think she is soooo great but you don't have to live with her.... EE calls her Miss Goody Two Shoes or Miss Sunshine... yech....it's a good thing that we're around to keep her from being sooo boring....Opps, I think she is going to take over again... damn I never get to have any funnnnnnnn.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

What I did on my Vacation!!!

I'm back after a GREAT weekend. I stayed on plan with my eating and drinking water and I got lots of exercise...
I got up early Fri Morn and took a 3 mile run at the park... It was beautiful, the morning was cool and there weren't alot of people at the park, if only I didn't have to work I could do this everyday..oh yeah..
after running I went home to finish packing, then headed out to the airport.. I wanted to make sure I got there in plenty of time....

When I got to the airport I found I had a 4 hr delay on my flight due to the weather up north but I had a book and my planned snacks (fruit & nuts) already packed so noo problem. I had also packed a spinach/turkey wrap for lunch so didn't need to even look at any of the airport foods...and of course I had my water with me... I just sat back and enjoyed the time to myself..got into Newark around 10:45 and Frank met me at the airport;
We drove for what seemed like forever until I saw a house on a steep hill with a small Cypress tree wrapped in white X-mas lights, this was Franks & Val's house.. It was a really nice house and that's where we were all staying for the weekend.. Luckily it's a pretty big house because another couple was coming up on Sat. We sat around talking and catching up on everything.. he had been down in MS for 3 weeks helping with the Katrina Victims so had lots to tell me... The pictures he had of the devasation of the area around Gulf Port were terrible to see..
Sat morning we got up and did a run that a local car dealership was putting on for Katrina Victims. It was 5 miles of lots of hills... who knew that NJ had so many hills... I did pretty good for an old lady... the weather was great the whole time I was there.. It had been raining for the last 11 days and then I showed up and no rain at all the whole weekend.. Our other eDiets friends from PA (Dave & Micki ) showed up Sat afternoon and again we sat around and talked (mostly about our new healthy living and how much we have changed) then decided to go out to eat... We did Chinese.. I had Miso Soup and the Budha's Delight and splurged with a drink called Ginger Kamasuzi (it was really good but one was enough for me, it used a chinese liquor in it).. then we all went back to Franks and played Triva Pursuit.. I found out how much I don't know...teeehhheeheh.

I got up early Sunday morning and took Frank's dog CC for a walk, since they live in the country there wasn't any traffic but I did see a couple of deer... no bear altho Frank did tell me they do come around alot.. I did see where one had been scratching itself on a tree.. oh well maybe next time...When I got back Frank & Val were in the kitchen making breakfast. Frank fixed his special Power Pancakes using oatmeal/egg whites & ricato cheese.
Then we all jumped into Dave's car and drove for 2 hours (after a stop off at the local WalMart) up to the northern part of the state. Our hike took us up to the highest point in New Jersey. I think this is where Frank told us that we were looking at three states, PA, NJ & NY.. all I knew is it was soo beautiful... It was a little windy, in fact it reminded me of being back in WY... At one point the wind almost blew Frank off his feet.. I had to laugh... that's what he gets for losing so much weight..also he's 6'2" which made him taller than the rest of us ..... The leaves are just changing but it was still great... we hiked for 5 hrs. Val gave me a really nice back pack for daytime hiking and I wore it the whole time... another first for me... it's strange but it seemed to help my back from getting sore.. kept me standing tall....
When we got back to Frank's and he & his wife fixed dinner...Grilled Steak and chicken for them (I don't eat red meat and rarely eat chicken) but he had spinach salad with strawberries/blue cheese crumbles/walnuts, a veggie dish and sweet potatoes especially for me... it was good..Then we sat around talking until late when Dave & Micki (the couple from PA) had to drive back... none of us wanted it to end.

Yesterday I woke up and was hoarse from soo much talking & laughing...No problem with my flight coming home but did feel a little lonely with out all of my friends around...
Sooo that is my trip to NJ and it was GREAT...

Friday, October 14, 2005

Can't sleep!!!!

It's 3:30 am and I'm back to not being able to sleep again.... I hate this... It's been going on for about a week now. I figure it must be part of going through the change... I don't get night sweats but I seem to only be able to sleep a couple of hours then I wake up and have trouble going back to sleep unless I get up and do something for about an hour or so. I did go through this for a long time after Lar died but thought I was doing better... At least I was waking up would go to the potty and then crawl back into bed and go right back to sleep... but not lately..I seemed to be doing better once I gave up sugar.. Maybe I just have too much on my mind LOL. Oh well, doesn't seem to be anything that I can/will do about it... Not going to the doctor and I hate taking meds of any kind to make me sleep...so will just deal with it... The thing that keeps going through my mind is that I've read that if you don't get the right about of sleep it will affect how you lose weight... Damn, the more I think about that, the more I can't sleep... I've always got along on just a couple of hours sleep my whole life, maybe that was a big factor in why I was/am so fat....LOL
I took a night off from the gym last night... I just felt so bone tired and realized I haven't given myself a break in a weeks... I've really been pushing myself so I would get to 169 by this week... I don't know why I feel guilty if I miss a day of working out but I do. I know in my mind that I need to give myself a break but I keep thinking if I miss even one day it will be too easy to miss more and then I'll be right back where I was... Truthfully, I don't think that will happen as long as I'm having fun at the gym... I do love going... it's nice to know that I'm "popular" there...(who'd thunk) There is always someone there that I know and enjoy talking too... I don't have that anywhere else in my life right now and I guess it's important, at least to me...
I'm flying to Newark NJ today to meet up with some friends I've made through eDiets. We're going to do a 10K run tomorrow morning for the Katrina victims and then Sunday go for a nice hike... so I will make up for not going to the gym. I find that I really do like being adventurous and doing things I never have before... I have never been up that far north and I'm really looking forward to it... It should be fun. Although I will miss running with #1 Neice on Sunday... But there's always next week...
Well, I think I'll go finish cleaning up the kitchen then try to get a couple of hours more sleep... I started a new book by Nora Roberts, that I bought for the plane ride, last night instead of cleaning like I planned when I took off from the gym... oh well, I really did need the rest...

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Goodbye to the 170's

GOOD BYE.... Yep, I said good bye...good bye to the 170's... you got it.... I saw 169 on the scale this morning... So am I flying? You bet!!! Do I feel any skinny-er? You BET !!! Is all this hard work worth it??? Oh yeah Baby!!!

THIS IS A BIG MILE STONE FOR ME!!!
When I started all this 2 years ago my goal was to go from 235 to 169. I think in the back of my mind I never really thought I could do it. But I decided to give it my all and not accept anything less. When I reached 199, I changed my goal to 159. Then I got to 189, I changed my goal again to 149... Then I got stuck on that dang ole Plateau in the 180's for 6 months and thought I would never see the day the scale would read 179 much less 169... well, I'm here to tell you I flew through the 170's.. and now here I am right were I was afraid to dream I could be.....wooohoooo!!!!

Does this mean I will take a break from living healthy and exercising??? No Freakin' Way!!!
My next goal is to reach 159 by Christmas...What a great Christmas present for myself that would be...I still have alot of hard work ahead of me... but I know I can do it...

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Cool shirts & sweaters

I am sooo looking forward to cooler weather so I can wear all of my long sleeve pull over shirts, sweaters & sweatshirts.... Yep... last winter when I bought them I thought they were alright but when I wore them that bulge on the side, you know the one that pops up when you put on tight pants and the fat has to go somewhere so it pops up to right above the belt line on your hips....would show and then I would be consious of it all day... Well, I put on one of those shirts this morning and lo & behold no Bulge.... yep, in fact it lays down everywhere really good... and loooks fine on me... I also am getting flatter upper abs,(all those crunches seem to be working) got lots of work on that lower abs part still, you know the "apron" area... but hey if my pants are tight enough that doesn't show as much...
What I really like is getting up in the morning and putting on clothes that look good right away... no more trying on 10 differant outfits because I don't like how I look.... tooo coool!!! It's is such a kick in the ass to think about trying on something and remembering how it looked on me last year to find out that it looks good now... It's just to exciting... Hey remember I'm old and I get my kicks anyway I can...

Monday, October 10, 2005

How DO you peel a Pumpkin?

Yesterday being Sunday I decided to try a new recipe I found on eDiets... it sounded like a recipe I could change around to fit what I like... I used to be a fairly good cook, being one of the things I truly did enjoy doing. Of course I rarely follow a recipe exactly like it is ... the challenge is to see if I can change it and have it still come out good...

CLASSY PUMPKIN PASTA
10 oz dry fettuccini noodles*
1 tbsp vegetable oil**
1 pound peeled, seeded and grated pumpkin***
2.5 tbsps tomato paste****
4 tbsps lite sour cream
1 tsp chilli powder

* OK the first thing I decide is that this might work really good with Spagetti Squash instead of fettuccini noodles...and I just happened to have one already baked and ready...

** Now I don't have ANY oil in my house, all I use is spay Pam, so figured I would just keep spraying until I had enough...

***This is where the real fun began... I bought a couple of small pumpkins at the grocery store...now I have carved them before and I have even baked one before but I have never ever tried to peel one before...You would think that something this small would be easy.. NOT... I get my cutting board out, my old fashion type grater and my big butcher knife. ...Now I know how to pick out a good squash by thumping it and I 've gotten the knack of cutting it open down... but damn if this little old pumpkin didn't almost defeat me... I decide that I first needed to cut it in half so I can clean out the middle of seeds but it kept rolling around on the cutting board while I was trying get the knife into it... then the knife got stuck half way in and I had to almost jump on the thing to get it out. Finally I succeed in cutting it in half, take all the guts and seeds out... rinse the seeds so I can bake them and have Pumpkin seeds to snack on this week, then I try to peel it... the butcher knife is way to big for peeling so I look around for a knife that would work, I don't have one of those handy dandy peelers and I lost my nice sharp paring knife years ago.. I usually use a steak knife for cutting up veggies so I grab one I think might be sharp enough... NO WAY is this going to peel this baby...it comes off in small pieces only at this rate it will take me 3 hours just to peel the dang thing....so I start to think to myself... this needs to be grated so how about taking a fork and running it across the meat of the pumpkin... this works for about a minite but it's hard to get the fork in the middle of the half of the pumpkin so I decide that I need to cut the halves up smaller. By now my kitchen is starting to look like a hurricane has hit.. I have bits of pumpkin all over me and the counter...I still can not get the damn thing peeled and only have about 2 tablespoons of pumpkin ready...I have no patience for this... so I drag the grater over... God only knows why I didn't get out the food processor, I do have one but haven't used it in many a years... I now have small slices of pumpkin with the peel still on but decide I can grate it anyway without peeling... this work all right for a little bit until I hit my thumb & finger on the grater,.... now we have blood in with the pumpkin... great... I struggle on this way and finally get 1 1/2 cups of grated/chopped up pumpkin with only a little shell in it....whew...so I follow the next step in the recipe which is to cook the pumpkin in a large skillet over medium heat for about 10 mins or until it begins to break apart..I spray the pan with Pam, add the pumpkin and decide that it is too dry soo spray more Pam over it....
I take a minute to clean up the kitchen and have a glass of wine while this is cooking.....
Take a look at the pumpkin cooking, it's browning but not breaking apart (what ever that means) and remember that I do have some EVOO so decided this might just be the thing to add.... It seems to do the job and the constency changes.
The next thing that it calls for is Tomato paste****... well of course I don't have tomato paste but I do have some spagetti sauce that I use in my Cabbage/Tofu/Spinach Cassorole (which is delicous by the way) so I decide to use that instead. Didn't seem to hurt it sooo added the no fat sour cream and a few shakes of chili powder that I found in the back of the cupboard.(I don't like spicy).. It all looks like a big orange thick glob but the recipe says "The mixture should be mushy & an even golden-orange color".....it is a golden orange color I'll give it that. So I'm thinking that once I mix it with the spagetti squash maybe it won't be such a glob...

I dish out some Spagetti Squash onto a plate add a spoonfull of the mixture to it and try to stir it in.. Ok it doesn't stir in, it just sits there on top... I finally get my nerve up to taste it...... Ok it doesn't taste too bad, kind of blah, must be why it called for so much chili powder...
I'm thinking that I will add more tomato sauce, sour cream & chili powder to the leftovers it might just work....I mean after all the work I did to PEEL that dang thing I'm not giving up on it.....

Friday, October 07, 2005

If only I could look & be young again!!!

I think in the back of my mind I've always thought if I lost "the weight" I would be cute... now why I thought this I don't know since I wasn't all that cute when I was young and skinny. Skinny meaning that I weighed somewhere in the 120's when I was a teenager....a size 12 in those days... I don't ever remember anyone telling me that I was "cute" or "a knockout" .... I wanted to be but I wore these really thick glasses, being almost blind, and I think I had a really hateful look on my face most of the time (I was a "troubled teen")...I didn't date much, but did have a reputation for being "wild"... I was always "the girl from the wrong side of the tracks"... I never had "nice" clothes, never took care of myself, had long scraggly hair being a teenager in the 60's. I wanted to be a "flower child" but never felt like I fit in there either. The closest I came to was after "The Kid" was born and I lived with my younger Sister, who was a "hippy" and still is to this day.. I went along with what she was, kinda like a free ride...listened to her music, did the drugs with her (this was in the 70's, we all did drugs....), hell she would even bring guys home for me, since I stayed home and took care of the kids (Jason, The Kid & #1 Niece) while she worked and I collected welfare...

Come to think of it I don't think I have ever been what I wanted to be, but what whoever I am with wants me to be... My 1st husband was a cowboy, so I listened to country music, even wore cowboy boots... never had a thought of my own.. until I got preg with "The Kid" and moved out.... Then I started to hang out with the Sister and I became her shadow. Then after Jason died, I went off the deep end and became a drunk & a whore (did a lot of things I'm not proud of ), until I met Lar. I think the one thing I really loved about him was he was the first person who saw the real me (after all he was my other half, my soul mate)... and he thought I was "Sexy" .Now he never said I was "cute" but he truly thought I was "Sexy" but then after awhile I seem to have lost that person he saw when we first met... not sure where she went but I became a caretaker, not that I regret one moment I spent with him. Now truthfully if I stop and really think about it , there have been short periods of time in the last 23 years that the "real me" Peeked out...The time I went from 275 #s to 175 #s around 10 years ago... It seems like the only times I really came close to being who I want to be is when my weight is down... soooo no wonder I'm thinking if only I lost all this weight I could be "cute"...
.
Soooo here I am in a size 10, smaller than I've ever been in my adult life, and what do I see when I look in the mirror? If I don't look to close I do see "Cute"...I no longer wear glasses (except for reading) I had RK when I lost that weight 10 years ago. I love my hair, its short, "rocket fire" red, my clothes are soo much fun (I love Ross's") I dress for me and I think I might even be a little "Cute" in my tight size 10 pants and my 4" heels...
but Then If I look close, I start to see the "crows feet" around my eyes, the "puckers" around my mouth, the "chicken wattle" under my chin... all signs of AGE...and I don't think losing weight will change that, now the only way I'm going to get rid of these signs is with plastic surgery.... and that is definately not for me... so I guess I willl have to learn to live with these signs of age... after all I am 55 yrs old... yep, I do have to keep reminding myself that because since I've lost this weight I don't feel that old... I feel that I should be in my early 40's ... where oh where did the last 15 years go? On the realistic side of things I know that although I can lose the weight I can never bring back my youth, but I sure as hell can slow down the aging...
Now if I could only get rid of this worry about looking like one of those "old gray haired Ladies" that dress and act way to young for age.......oooohhhhh nnnnnooooo nnnnotttt that!!!

Thursday, October 06, 2005

But I did it anyway

I didn't have a racquetball game last night. I didn't call in for a court early enough on Monday... The gym I go to has 4 courts and lots of players... It's always a struggle to get a court, but usually if I call in right when I get up 2 days in advance (that's the soonest you can call) then I can get a court... We usually play Mon, Weds, Fri & Sat a..m.... Now I really like playing racquetball. I don't consider it exercise...altho I do get alot of that, I consider it fun. I love that I can move this body all around the court... When I first started playing it was a struggle, my knees hurt and I was always out of breath and bending over to pick that ball up(which is great exercise in itself) when I missed wasn't easy. But here I am 1 1/2 years later and it's no big deal for me to throw myself after that little green ball... I still don't win much but I am getting better each time I play...I am so glad that I didn't get discouraged at first because it was hard. I made up my mind that I would keep playing no matter how bad I was and eventually I would have to get better... There is something in me that doesn't like to quit....
...
Well anyway... I didn't have a game scheduled last night and Evil Eva and Moaning Mona were really at me to just go home instead of going to the gym and work out... Evil Eva kept telling me that I deserve a break, how I could go home, finish reading my book and eat the rest of the Rice Dream Frozen Dessert that is just waiting for us in the freezer, and Moaning Mona kept at me about how tired I was. But I know that if I give into either one of them this time it will be that much harder not to give into them the next time. I have this fear that if I don't keep going that I will end up right back where I was two years ago, doing nothing but sitting in front of the tv, reading and eating junk... Now I ask you does that sound like a life for me... maybe to EE & MM it sounds good but like I said I really like being able to do things... I love feeling good about myself..Besides I did give myself a day off on Sunday so it's not like I have a reason to be tired....I've seen too many people who used to come to the gym start slacking off..a day here and a day there until they quit coming all together...

So I did not give into EE & MM... Nope, refused to listen to them.. Drove myself to the gym after work and made myself get on the Life Cycle, did 40 mins and then went and did legs for 45 mins then did abs for 15 mins... and I felt pretty darn good for it..

. Now the question for today is Why is this such a struggle everyday that I have to work out?... It seems the only days I really have no trouble going into the gym is the days I have a racquetball game... It's not like I don't like working out until I my muscles fail (smirk).... the pain is good, right? Now you have to understand that the gym is my second (some would say my first) home. I am there everyday (except some Sundays) and I am friendly with a lot of the people there.. It is a comfortable place to me and I'm all right once I get to the gym and start working out but dang it's hard to convince myself of that when I get into the car and have EE & MM both telling me otherwise.. I've talked to other women who have the same problem (I guess they have their own EE & MM's) but we haven't found a solution except not to give in that first time.....
All I know is that I WILL keep going and I WILL keep working out and I WILL get this weight off and the way to do that is to exercise, eat healthy and drink all of that water then I WILL see TBS.. I will not listen to Evil Eva or Moaning Mona, they do not know whats best for me... I let them have their way for way to long...

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Yes, this is ALL about ME!!!

I've come to the conclusion that I have become VERY self centered in the last 2 years..I even named this blog ME, MYSELF & I how self centered is that?.

For the first time in my adult life there is only MYSELF to take care of and to think about. The Kid has her own family, altho I am there for her if she really needs me.. I no longer have a husband or significant other to take care of....so there is only ME...I've taken care of everyone else all my life but haven't done a very good job of taking care of MYSELF, which is apparent when you look back at how I looked and felt 2 years ago... I was way overweight at 235 pounds. I couldn't even walk up a few stairs without having to stop and catch my breath. Couldn't shave my legs because I couldn't bend over that far...I was missing out on soo much in life... I felt like I was 100 years old and moved like it especially first thing in the morning... The Kid used to laugh at my "shuffle" but my knees hurt soo bad that was all I could do. I cut my own hair, badly now that I think about it. Didn't wear make up and should we talk about the old lady clothes I wore... or even worse wearing Lar's shirts (which were 3X). I told myself that it didn't matter what I looked like. I was doing more important things by taking care of Lar. But now I think about how much better I could have been for him if I had only taken care of myself too at the same time... He didn't ask me not take care of myself... It was just an excuse to take the easy way out... any hooo..back to being Self Centered...
It seems like I can't have a conversation with anyone nowadays with out it coming back to ME and my new way of life... I can't seem to quit talking about it... True most of the peoples that I converse with are in the same mind frame as ME , like at the gym and #1 Niece... but then there is The Kid, she is so patient with me... I know that she must get sooo tired of all of our conversation always coming back to ME... I just can't seem to help myself..

I look at MYSELF in the mirror and I see someone who looks healthy and someone who is taking care of herself. I get my hair done regularly, won't think about leaving the house with out mascara and blush. I wear clothes that are flattering to me (at least I think so). When I look in the mirror I can actually see some defination in my shape... love those collar bones and my shoulders and the beginning of a six pack (whoaaaa)... My legs (which I shave all of the time) are getting smaller & firmer ...I have thrown away all of my "Granny Panties" and now wear thongs (yep, I shave there too!! Who'd thunk?) and let's not forget the 4" heels. wooohooo... Not bad for a 55 year old woman...

I can't seem to convince MYSELF that it is wrong for ME to feel this good about MYSELF... Damn I've worked hard in the past 2 years to get where I am today... and I still have lots of work to do to get to TBS...and if I don't think about ME, MYSELF & I who will?

Two things in Kyra's blog today got me to thinking... she is talking about a theory (not hers) about whether we really need to exercise ....
" The proper way to live a healthy life is to only do what is necessary for the life you lead. What this means is, unless you play some sort of sport or something, regular exercise isn't only unnecessary - it is a waste of time. A narcissistic pursuit that is not only wasteful to your own day, but to your productivity and the people your time would be better spent serving (like time with your children or spouse, or even the dog.)"
Now what really jumped out at me in this comment were the words "narcissistic pursuit" ...and I thought to myself... yep that is me!!!! I'm all about how good I look!!! Why the heck not... I was ashamed of how I looked for 30 some years..As for it being "wasteful" well again ... how can something that makes me feel good be considered wasteful? And by exercising that makes me more fit so I can enjoy the time with my family longer...

the second one was "The principle in all of this is to make better use of your time on this planet by not being so self absorbed with your fitness."
I wasn't "self absorbed" in my fitness for 30 some years and look where it got me.. 90 pounds overweight and miserable....

Monday, October 03, 2005

Another Friday night out with #2 Niece

It's Friday night and I'm standing at the bar of the outside patio with #2 Niece when I look down at the end of the bar and I see him.. He's young, I'm thinking to myself maybe in his early 40's, fairly tall, about 6 ft, stocky built, more muscle than fat, has dark blondish curly hair, not too long but not short either, he's wearing jeans and a long sleeve dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows, NICE. Our eyes meet, he smiles at me and the smile continues in his eyes. My stomach gives a little flip. I smile back. I notice he has a cast on his hand so I motion to him pointing at my hand and asking the question "what happened?" He makes a motion with both hands indicating a break.. I give him a sympathic look and then turn back to speak to #2 Niece...

Not too much later I am coming back from the restrooms with #2 Neice, when we get separated. I see him leaning against the doorway of the outside patio with a beer in his hand watching me walk across the room. He smiles at me again... I walk over to him and the first words out of his mouth are "you are soo pretty". I thank him and ask how he broke his hand... He tells me "in a fight" then proceeds to tell me that is what he does for a living... Bare knuckle fighting... for some reason this really turns me on... I say to him that I would love to come watch sometime.. He goes on to say that he won't be fighting for awhile since he just had pins put in his hand.

We carry on the usual bar conversation.He tells me his name is Steve, I tell him my name. He tells me he is divoriced. I tell him I am widowed, he says how sorry he is. I tell him I'm learning how to deal with it... I ask him if he comes here often, he tells me this is his first time. He keeps saying how pretty I am.. I tell him I think he looks really good too.. He asks if there is any possiblity that he could take me home. With regret I shake my head no, and say sorry if that's what he is looking for then I'll keep moving on. He smiles, puts his hand on my arm to keep me there and tells me that he did come looking but it's not important now. I start looking around for #2 Niece, he asks me who I'm looking for. I tell him my niece and ask him if he has seen a pretty girl with long red hair... he tells me.. "I haven't been able to look at anyone else since I first saw you" Ok my stomach just did another flip. I forget looking for #2 Niece...

We talk some more and he makes me laugh about something silly he says. It feels comfortable standing and talking to him. He asks for my phone #. I give him my cell #. He pulls his phone out and calls my # and leaves a message (it back in my truck) with his # and says call me when you get home so I'll know that you are safe. I look at him and finally say something about how young he is... He then tells me he is 35 years old... My heart stops... all that flashes in my mind is... I was 20 yrs old when he was born... OH MY GAWD....how could I even think about getting to know someone that young..I start to leave and again he puts his hand on my arm staying me.. He tells me he likes older women, he was brought up by a single mother and his 2 older sisters. His wife, who he has been divorced from for a year, is 41 yrs old... I tell him when he sobers up he will think differant.. He tells me he has only had 2 beers all night... All I can think about is how Crazy I am to even be imagining being with a 35 year old.... but Damn I really like him.....How did I become sooo old? And why can't guys my own age be this good?

#2 Niece comes up to us about this time. I introduce him to her... His eyes never leave mine... He tells me it's time for him to go... to be sure to call him.. leans over and gives me a quick kiss, then walks out. I watch him thinking HOt Damn girl... what are you thinking? I'll tell you what I was thinking... I was thinking about those Nora Roberts books that I read, fantasizing about all the things I could do to that boy.... Ohh I'm soo bad.

Any way ... I get home about 3:30 am after taking #1 niece home and I call the # he left on my cell. It goes to a voice mail so I left a message... And he hasn't called back... but you know if was fun FANTASIZING...
And I'm learning that just because you give your phone # to a guy doesn't mean that he is going to call you....
Oh well. I'm still having fun and I really felt pretty for awhile...Not a bad thing!!!

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Evil Eva rules the night!!!

I lost a battle with Evil Eva last night... yep, she gained control over my eating, but I'm back today and i'm not going to let her have her way today.

I've been doing soo good the last couple of weeks and it's been showing... I've lost 3 pounds in the last 2 weeks. But last night I let my guard down and who slipped in but Evil Eva...
I ate my delicious dinner of Spagetti squash with spinach/tofu/tomato & parmesean cheese but as usual EE wasn't satisfied, altho I wasn't hungry, she wanted more to eat.. so we dug the rice milk frozen dessert out of the fridge (I was saving it for this weekend) ate that, then went to the cupboard and got a Kashi bar, ate that... I told her that was all we were going to eat, but she kept at me so before I went to bed I got a box of raisins (the small individual boxes, at least I've learned that much) and ate that before going to bed... now understand this is all in 2 hrs... Why do I let her do that to me???

I was afraid to stand on the scale this morning so will wait until my weigh in day Saturday.. keep your fingers crossed.

I didn't play racquetball last night since it was my partners "girls night out". Instead I ran on the treadmill for 30 mins and did an extra workout for the legs, which I haven't done since I hurt my toe (with stretching it made a 2 hr night)... Feel pretty good today. I walked at lunch and will do my serious upper body workout for the week tonight...maybe that will offset the binge from hell last night...

Truthfully I don't think I did all that bad compared to what I used to eat. Not having carp porn around helps alot but I still want to get to where my mind is as satified as my body is after eating dinner... I wonder what it will take to break this mindless eating when I'm not even hungry? Eating just to be eating is such a waste of energy... I need to post the following on my cupboard.... or even better on my forehead so I won't be persauded by EE any more..

“The chief cause of failure and unhappiness is trading what we want most for what we want at the moment”
-Unknown

Memories of 32 years ago

September 29, 1973..On the morning of this date 32 years ago, I was a scared 23 yr old driving myself to the hospital to give birth to "The Kid".
My life had changed dramatically in the 2 years before this date. In Nov 1971, I had given birth to twin sons, one who did not survive birth and the other, Jason, was born with a kidney disease, developed extreme brain damage at 4 months old and was not expected to live beyond 3 yrs old (another story for another time).My marriage had dissolved, it had become physically abusive and besides he (my husband) had found someone else who he wanted to be married to (which he informed me of when I told him I was pregnant) so I had taken Jason & moved into my own apartment at 3 months pregnant... I had gone from weighing 210 to 170 while pregnant with the child I was carrying... mostly due to stress of trying to take care of a 2 yr old, with medical problems and who was like an infant and living by myself. Now don't get me wrong, there were good times in those 2 years. But on this morning while driving myself to the hospital I was scared because I didn't know what the future held for me... I just knew that I was going to give life to another being that would be dependent on me and I wasn't sure if I could do it all by myself. Although the doctor was pretty sure that this baby would be healthy, there is always that doubt... I knew that I had a long day ahead of me... I had gotten to pick what day I wanted to give birth since I was being induced and doing it by myself.. so I had picked a Saturday so my Mom could stay with Jason, at this time she was the only other person that could take care of him.. I knew that I would be doing this by myself and memories of the horrible delivery of the twins (24 hrs of very hard labor with no relief) didn't make it any easier.. I knew that this time I had a good doctor but in the back of my mind I kept reliving that other time...
Well, I put on a brave face and took myself into the hospital, filled out the paper work, walked to my room where I would spend the next 10 hrs... I had the greatest doctor... he came in and stayed in the room with me as much as he could, even to doing his paper work in my room, and he made sure that I was relaxed as much as possible, went over with me the breathing exercises (something I didn't have the first time) and made sure that someone checked on me often during the wait... When they finally came to take me in the delivery room I was on the phone talking with my Mom and told them that it couldn't be time yet because I wasn't hurting enough, but the doctor laughed and said that the baby had crowned and the time was now... I don't actually remember the actual birth but I do remember the doctor saying "It's a girl" .. Now I had convinced myself that I would have another boy, to replace Jason when he finally passed so I was truly surprised to hear that the baby was a girl...My first thought was that she looked so much like Jason, except bigger, when he was born. I wanted to keep her with me, but they had to take her to run tests to make sure everything was alright... so they took me to the ward. I called my Mom, then called the father to let him know (he was at his girlfriends') so I left a message... then I Cried! Some was from relief, some was feeling sorry for myself that I had to do this by myself, and some was just plain being young...It was hard being in the ward where the other women had their husbands with them but when they took me back down the hall to see the baby, I didn't care about any of that because I knew than that This baby would be all mine....
Happy Birthday Kid... I love you more than words can say....I am so proud of the woman you have grown into, you are the best daughter a Mother like me could ever have...I've made a lot of mistakes in my life but believe me you weren't one of them....