Wednesday, March 04, 2009

All is Good!

I've been given another chance at keeping my job...I went in this morning and read my statement to the Transportation Supervisor, who then took my file (with my statement) to the head of Transportation and actually went to bat for me...And it was decided that I can keep my job....How nice is that...
I will have to do some time (on my own) at the driving range to improve my driving, but I don't have a problem with that..It can only help..
I'm happy!!!

Monday, March 02, 2009

I just want to get it over with!

A snowstorm hit Atlanta yesterday..altho it was pretty and I enjoyed a day of doing nothing but playing on the computer and reading in front of the fire, I am ready to get this meeting over...
School was cancelled for the day and when I called my Supervisor she told me that our meeting with the Transportation Manger was also cancelled..it will have to be rescheduled..

To some this would seem a good thing but for me it just makes it harder...I'm so ready to get this over..just to find out if I still have a job or if I'm at the bottom of that black hole that is always waiting for me...I keep thinking How will I pull myself out this time? I've been there so many times in my life, and each time it gets harder & harder to pull myself out.
I feel the blackness coming over me today but will fight to stay in the light by trying to keep myself occupied...Can't really get out because the roads are pure ice this morning but maybe by this afternoon they will be better and I can go see my friend in the hospital...Now her story is even sadder than mine (I need to remind myself that there are people out there that have REAL problems)..she just had a baby and now they have found a spot on her brain..the doctors think it could possibly be an aneurysm or a brain tumor...so here she is a new mother and she is in the hospital while her newborn is at home with the Grandmother and aunt..How sad is that?..
Life just doesn't seem fair sometimes...

Sunday, March 01, 2009

Bleak Times Again!

The ups and downs of life are no fun...and right now I'm in a down spiral...It looks like I will be unemployed AGAIN..through no fault but my own.

I had another accident with the bus last week..although all minor, this does make 3 "preventable" accidents in the last year..the first was last March when I didn't set the air brake and rolled into the bus ahead of me in the line up at the school..there was no damage to either buses but I still had to report it...then in December I "supposedly" ran into another bus while parking at the shop to get my bus repaired..I say supposedly because although I knew I was close to the other bus (parking is tight at the shop) I did not think I hit it...but the mechanics said I did so it's on my record..there was slight damage to both buses...then this past week while pulling out of the school I hit another bus (parked on the side of the road) with my cross over mirror..it put a scratch on her bus and bent my mirror (which the mechanic straightened)...All the county allows is 3 accidents in a year and then you can be terminated.
I was given a chance to resign on Friday by my supervisor but chose NOT to. So now I will have a meeting with the Transportation Manager scheduled on Monday.
I've decided that I will read a statement rather than to try to talk off the top of my head, since I usually end up not saying what I want when I try to do that..I'm so much better at writing than I am of talking...

So far this is what I've come up with....
********
Rather than to resign, I’ve chosen to come here to plead with you to give me another chance at keeping my job.
I don’t want you to think that I take the reason why I’m here lightly, I don’t. I will not make excuses and tell you that it’s all a mistake. The facts are what they are. I have had 3 preventable accidents in the last 12 months, 2 of them in the last 3 month. And although they were minor and occurred without students on board, they still occurred. I can wish they didn’t happen but that doesn’t change the facts.
Since my meeting with Cathy on Friday morning, I’ve done considerable thinking about why I need & want this job.
I will be 59 years old next month and for the first time in my life I feel that I am working at something that I really want to do, enough that I don’t want to just walk away without a fight.
I’ve spent the past weekend looking at what is available to me out there in the job market, and feel that my future is bleak without this job. As we all know there isn’t much out there at this time. At my age and with the economy the way it is, all I can see for me at this time would to be collect unemployment, something I’ve never done. As I have no savings left or any other monies coming in since I’m a widow, I will not be able to live on that and I will lose everything I have. This scares me. I need this job.
But the monies are only a part of the reason why I’m asking for another chance. I not only need this job but I want it.
I don’t look at being a bus manager as just a job but feel that I am doing something worthwhile. I am being entrusted with people’s children to see that they are safely taken to and from school…I do take this trust seriously, as if these students were my own child or grandchildren and would never put them in jeopardy.. For the first time in my life I feel that I am serving a purpose.
I know that I am a good employee…I’m reliable. I show up to work on time every day. I’ve only missed one day of work since I’ve started to work for Gwinnett County Schools.
I try to have a good attitude because I really do enjoy the challenge of the job. I probably get too personally attached to the students on my routes, but I see each of them as individuals and try to treat them with the respect that is due to them.
I’ve taken on other responsibilities such as Community Skills and working with the Evacuation Team not just for the extra hours & monies but because I feel they are an important part of the job. They also serve a purpose.
So I am asking you to take a chance on me and I will give you my promise that I will be the most conscientious & careful driver you have. I will do whatever you deem is necessary for me to do to keep my position.
No matter what your decision is today, I thank you for taking the time today to listen to me.
************
Wish me luck & If anyone out there has any suggestions I welcome them..

Friday, February 13, 2009

Time slips away

I really don't know where the times goes...I think of a lot of things to blog but then never seem to get here to actually do it...
I did start one about 25 random things about me..but I couldn't think of 25 things..so I saved it for one of those days when I'm witty and funny...

I've actually been busy..not just sitting around and watching TV..Been bowling with some great friends...we played 3 games and I actually bowled 127 on my last game...This is really good for me..When I was in the bowling league, years ago in Colorado, my average was 108...Not telling you what I bowled the first 2 games...let's just say it took me that long to warm up..LOL..

My French lessons are going great...On Sunday when we met at the French Bakery, "J" was there with her French Teacher . i was actually able to greet him and tell him my name in French..."J" was impressed...I've been practicing and I've been listening to my French tapes everyday...also been studying the lessons on About.com. French Language..It's really been a big help..As you can see I'm determined to do this...I may never go to France (unless I win the lottery) but I will know a 2nd language...besides it's Fun..I need all the fun I can get...

The part time job has been a challenge the last couple of weeks..I don't know if it was the full moon or not but people the last 2 weeks have really been rude and no one wanted to give donations...lots of hang ups and just plain rudeness... my new week started last night and it was much better..still not many donations but at least the people were nice about it..I guess it all depends on what neighborhood call list I get..Lots of hours for not much pay but it has its' good points too...I get to do it at home and as long as I complete the call list the hours are my own to make...I will keep positive...

I'm feeling so much better..I know as long as I stay away from the sugar and make sure I keep something in my stomach I don't cough much at all..In fact I feel so good that when I got home early yesterday, it was early release for the elementary & middle schools, that I actually did some work in my yard..I cut my Privets way back, in fact almost to the ground..I do this every few years because they get so weedy looking and they are in front of my house ..Cleaned out part of my gutters (the part that I could reach while standing on my rickety old wooden ladder) and even raked part of my yard...

The weeks ahead will be busy for me..I am going on a "group date" for Valentines Day tomorrow and then salsa dancing...My French lessons on Sunday...Then the next weekend is "Lil Bits" birthday...She will turn 6 this year...unreal that the years have gone by so fast..She got a new puppy for her birthday and I really need to get over and see it...Her Mom tells me she really wanted a pig for her birthday but seems happy with the puppy...She's very into Charlotte's Web..her favorite story.. not sure what to get her for her b'day because she has so much already..
I have a "sleep over" at my house to plan for my Thus friends. More on this one later..
Then I have a hike planned with my friend Bruce..who was my favorite trip leader with AOC..he's had some health problems this past year and has also gotten out of shape (like me)...I know there is a Family Dinner at Corey's and a "Boil" at Michelle & Sweets place..
Whew...for an old lady I do pretty good at keeping myself busy....

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Tandem Skydive goes Horribly Wrong!

...That's what the headlines say..it goes on to say that the instructor had a heart attack in mid air and 1st time jumper had to take over.....This happened this past Saturday in Columbia SC..just up the road from me..
Daniel Pharr (a 25 yr old who is stationed here at Ft Gordon GA) got a Christmas present from his girl...a free tandem skydive. The way the news story read all was going fine until after the jump...the instructor was even talking to the guy when all of a sudden it got quiet and Pharr looked at the instructor and knew something was wrong. So from watching TV he knew that he had to pull on the toggles to steer....anyway..he got them landed and tried to do CPR on the instructor but he died..but he landed safely without any injuries to himself.

So why does this catch my eye....Well for years I've wanted to Tandem Skydive...don't ask me why since I'm deathly afraid of heights...it's just something I want to do...I can just see me floating in the air with a guy strapped onto my back..hmmm...any ways...At my AOC Christmas party this year I won one of the raffle gifts..yep, you guessed it..1 FREE TANDEM SKYDIVE, which I plan on doing this spring...the group did it last year and loved it..I've been really excited about it..since I'll be going with this same group...
But now the question is....WHAT would I do if something happened to the instructor..(that guy strapped to my back)?...Would I panic? I truthfully don't know...I've talked to other people who have been injured (a broken ankle) while jumping but nothing serious so I haven't really worried about it..but now I will have this story in the back of my mind..which I don't think is good...But I am determined to go ahead and do it...

Saturday, January 31, 2009

Birthdays

Today is Larry's Birthday...he was never much on birthdays, especially his own...I was brought up that birthdays were a special day..a day you got your favorite food (a tradition I've carried on) and a party (if possible)...
I'm not sure how Lar came about his attitude about birthdays..I'm sure his parents celebrated them and maybe being a man it just wasn't that important to him (not like Christmas which was his favorite holiday)..but he did humor me, especially when it came to The Kids birthday...i think he enjoyed watching her grow up and change into the woman she is today...he loved kid's birthday parties (probably because he was a big kid himself) and would sit back and enjoy them...He was known to miss his own birthday party but never would miss being at one of "The Kid's" or #1 Niece's (if we were invited).
I remember Larry's first birthday we were together..I had planned a big Surprize party for him but I was the one that got the surprize since he went for drinks after work with one of his friends (who I hadn't invited because I didn't know him at that time) and got home late after pretty much everyone had gone home...Needless to say he was a little drunk..in fact needed help getting out of the car..thank god he hadn't drove...Now understand we had only been together for a few months and were still learning about each other...I seem to remember I was pretty upset but I did learn my lesson...NEVER try to Surprize Larry...
The other treasured memory that I remember about that night was that was the first time he proposed to me...I turned him down. (1) I didn't think he would remember in the morning. (2) I wasn't ready to get married again...I wanted to make sure that the relationship would last before taking that step again..We were together 10 years before we finally took that step and over that 10 years we did talk about getting married several times..the time just never seemed right..either he wanted to and I didn't or I wanted to and he didn't...it's funny now but it never seemed to make a difference in our relationship because we were Best Friends and neither one of us could imagine life without the other...We would talk about what it would be like if something happened to either one of us..especially Larry because of his disability...and we both knew that we Could carry on if something happened.. not that we didn't have some rough times in our relationship but in the end our love for each other always won..
I try to remember all that we did together, all the talks we had, the places we went together and the memories we made together. I miss him so much my heart aches, tears flow and I sometimes think I can't do this without him..There isn't a day that I don't think about him especially days like today (his b'day) but I know that he wouldn't want me to give into the melancholy that threatens..so I will get through this day too with my chin (or chins as it is) up and I will go out with my friends tonight and have fun. As always when I do anything I'll think to myself how much Larry would have enjoyed this and then enjoy it for the both of us..
Happy B'day Larry...I'll have a glass of wine for you tonight....I'll always love you and miss you more than words can say..

Taxes!

I went to http://www.dor.ga.gov/inctax/efile/TSD_Free_Electronic_Filing_Program_2008.pdf
(which I found in my 1040EZ form I got in the mail) to check out doing my own taxes this year.
I picked Turbo Tax Online. It does all the work for you (all you do is enter the info that they tell you into the system) and Both Federal & State are free because I made less the 30K this past year...I entered all the info which only took me about an half hour...and now I'm undecided to trust it or not..according to Turbo Tax I am getting a refund back from Federal and from the State I get back a whole $2...this is doing an itemized return..When I did my own 1040EZ form it showed that I owed over $900 ...talk about scaring a person to death...there's no way I have $900 for ANYTHING right now..I can't owe..I can't owe..So I need to decided soon because if I am going to use the Turbo Tax I need to get it sent ASAP since I am totally Broke..Not in the red but if I pay ALL my bills this month I will be...and my truck insurance is due this month too...damn...

Today was payday and for some reason my check from work was $200 shorter than I expected...All of our overtime for the month comes on the end of the month check...and I was really depending on that money...I won't get any monies from the part time job for another week or so..not that it is gong to be much but something is better than nothing at this point..

I am really bad about letting things slide by..but I NEED to get my shit together and quit closing my eyes to everything...thinking if I don't look at it, maybe it won't be there..like my bills, if I don't open the envelope then I don't owe anything..NOT...it's all catching up to me NOW and I need to make some hard decisions...Or win the lottery, which doesn't seem to be happening...each day I don't do anything I get into more debt and more trouble...
It doesn't seem right that I work my ass off and still can't seem to get ahead..

I need to make a list of all the things I have around here that I need to sell, like the van, the freezer in the garage which I haven't used in over 4 years..the hospital bed and the hoyer lift, which I will never use...all these things just sit there and gather dust...I need to get them on Craig's list a least and see what I can do..my excuse is that I don't have a digital camera so can't take pictures to post...but at this point I just need to get it done...

Now I'm all awake because I'm freaked out about my finances and I know worrying about it won't make it go away or fix it..Where is my prince charming when I need him..or my fairy godmother...

Friday, January 30, 2009

WJZZ has Pulled the Plug

The "smooth jazz" radio station that I listen to has changed to R&B and I am soooo upset by this...they also have pulled their sponsorship to the Jazz Concert at the Suwanee park that THus attends every first Friday of the month (April - October) . We get there early and set up a tent (with a chandelier) and stay until they kick us out of the park..the park has a really cool stage with great sound...They have had some great artist there and there isn't anything better than to sit outside at a park and listen to someone play on a sax....They also pulled their sponsorship of the Jazz Festival at Piedmont Park on Memorial Weekend...Thousands of people attend this one.... so any way my friend "J" is probably more upset than I am, in fact she sent them an email to find out what is going on...

A message from Tim Davies, Vice President/ General Manager WJZZ:
First, I would to take this opportunity to thank you for supporting Smooth Jazz 107.5 over the years. Whether you have been a loyal listener, a community organization we have helped or one of our valued advertisers, I wanted to give you a quick explanation why we no longer are airing the Jazz format. In business, you have to make decisions based on many factors. In our case, there is a new audience measurement system and unfortunately, there are just not enough listeners who want to listen to a station like ours….and when you do not have the listeners, you lose advertiser support. When you combine the two, as in this case, it no longer is a viable business.
If you would like to contact me, you can leave a voice message by calling 404-832--7202 or write attention:
Tim DaviesRadio OneAtlanta 101 Marietta Street 12th floor Atlanta, Georgia 30303
Again, thank for your support over the years.

This is NOT good.....I hate changes...just when I find a station I really like they go and change it on me.......

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

The aches & pains!

When I went to the gym Monday night my r'ball partner didn't show so I worked out my legs for the first time in 3 months...and when I woke up yesterday and wasn't sore I thought that maybe I took it too easy on myself....BUT when I woke up this morning and went to get out of bed...OMG...I almost fell on my face..(it didn't help that I was late and the sheet was wrapped around my legs) ...every muscle in my legs were SCREAMING at me...especially those muscles in my inner thighs...the only time I want to feel those muscles Is when I've had GOOD SEX..
I'm playing r'ball tonight and hopefully my muscles will loosen up by then...if my partner doesn't show up again then I think I'll just do some cardio...on what ever machine is available (except the stair monster which I know I'm not ready for yet..it kicks my butt every time).

Last night I broke every rule I've made for myself as far as my foods goes...I ate late, just before going to bed, and I had some Sugar...which I know gives me heartburn big time....So anyway I wake up around 3 am choking on acid in my throat...got up and threw up, peeing on myself because I didn't have time to go to the bathroom and I have no bladder control anymore...So after I cleaned myself up and ate a couple of tums (to get rid of that acidity taste in my mouth) ...I gave myself the biggest Lecture...I HAVE TO LISTEN TO MY BODY or it will punish me...
So believe me the next time I'm feeling good and EE TELLS ME that a little sugar won't hurt me...I'M NOT LISTENING.....I know better and I'm not falling for that again...
I do have to admit that it does help me stay away from foods that I know I don't need..because it's not just that it will make me gain weight (or hinder my losing weight) it's that my body doesn't react well to most foods that people eat ...I know if I eat RED MEAT I will get gas & diarrhea, if I do milk products I will get congested, if I eat sugar I will get Heartburn....so it's Fresh Veggies & Fruit for me...
Yesterday I put MY Weight Struggles on my page...it's hard to realize that I had reached my goal of 169 lbs and then fell back into bad eating habits which made me not only gain weight but gave me medical problems..You would think I would Learn by now...
I'm setting myself more weight goals....I want to weigh 180 by my B'day in April and by the end of the summer I want to be down to 170...My ultimate weight goal in life is still 159...I believe I can do it with a lot of hard work...

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

My W-2 came in the mail today

and I wonder how I made it through the last year...altho I did make $4K more than I did in 2007..which isn't saying much...I'm living in (what I considered years ago) poverty.
Then I stop and think about all the people who are being laid off and don't have a job..I think to myself AT least I have a Job..and if I don't screw it up, I don't really have to worry about losing this job because of cut backs...people will keep having kids and Kids need to get an education..The county is opening 12 new schools this year...
So maybe I'm living on 1/3 of what Lar and I earned and lived on before he got sick back in 2000. At least I have a job, my own home with house payments that is lower than if I had to rent a place, my pink truck which is paid off (keeping my fingers crossed it hangs in there for at least one more year)..and my health (at least I'm not bedridden).
And now I can get my tax's done so I can at least maybe get caught up on the bills I've let slide this last couple of months with the small refund I get back...Who knows if I really bust my ass this year maybe next year I will be able to use the monies from my tax returns to go on that vacation (I'm dreaming about France)...

Monday, January 26, 2009

Wouldn't you know it

I finally figure out something that helps me in the morning with my coughing...I need to have something in my stomach not long after I get out of bed...I hate eating first thing so I usually wait till I've been up a couple of hours at least..So lately I've been eating a half apple on my way to the bus or in case of the weekend right after I get up..and it seems to be helping...Now I see that the price of Apples has gone sky high because of the drought in California...It never fails..I think I must have jixned the apple industry..as soon as I start eating them they go crazy with the price...I mean really $6 lb is more like a luxury..I can't eat oranges because of the acidity and banana's have been causing me problems too...so apples seemed to give me roughage and also helped the dryness in my mouth..Now what am I suppose to do...what I eat is very limited due to my weight and health...hmmmm...
Par Contre, my French lessons are going great...I am having soooo much fun with it..My friend "J" and I met at a French Bakery yesterday and one of the chef's there was from Haiti ("J"s parents are from there also) and he speaks French fluently so we got to practice on him..Of course "J" is sooo much better than me because she has been learning and speaking French for a few months now (and belongs to a French Club.Oh La La)..She has even been to France..The rest of the gang bailed out on us but that just gives me a week to get ahead of them all...Most have been studying for awhile but J" says I'm ahead of them already because I'm so determined...A few years ago I was able to get my hands on the Berlitz French Self Teaching Course which includes 12 tapes and books... I tried it on my own but got discouraged and gave up on it...now both "J" and I are using them in combination of learning with the group and using her books from when she took a French Course through the county schools..I figure I can use all the help I can get...Anyway...In the Toliette (bathroom in French) at the restaurant there was this sign in French so I copied it down and "J" and I were trying to translate it...it Read...

En Vente ici
Pains d'Epices
Lapierrre
Le Moilleue au miel pur d'Abeeilles

"J" translated the second line as spiced bread...she is reading the second chapter of her book today and lo and behold "pains d'Epices" is there and it means Gingerbread...how cool is that...I know I get excited about the weirdest things..but it is fun....And I found my "K" spot....just in case you didn't know this is the spot in the back of your throat where the sound comes from when you say K...this is important for speaking French because this is where the rolling of the R comes from...I've been having problems with this but now I'm practicing rolling my r's ...it's harder than it sounds...I know people must be looking at me like I'm crazy because I go around speaking or trying to speak French and practicing rolling those r's which sounds pretty strange when I do it...
It looks like I might be able to get back to hiking soon...not necessarily with the AOC group but with one of the leaders..about a year ago he developed some health problems and had to stop hiking/backpacking...he was my favorite leader because we always saw a least one waterfall on the hike and he's close to my age..so I always knew I could pretty much keep up...I saw him for the first time in a long time at the AOC Christmas party and he told me he wasn't doing much hiking because he has to go so slow...anyway long story short...we exchanged emails this past weekend and have decided that we would try to get together and do some local hikes since we both are having breathing problems but want to get back into it..I'm excited about that because I really do love being outdoors hiking in the woods and mountains..Now if it would only warm up...for some reason the Cold is really bothering me this winter..usually I just bundle up in many layers and go for it..part of the problem is I don't fit in most of my clothes because of the weight gain and I refuse to spend money (even if I did have it) on new ones when I'm determined to get back into all the clothes I already have for hiking...
Wish me luck..I'm going to try to play racquetball again tonight...I stayed away from it last week because I just could seem to catch my breath and was working on the AKS (American Kidney Service) calls...I'm pretty much caught up on those for today...and there really isn't any excuse why not to get to the gym...still undecided about whether to keep the membership or not..until I do make a decision I need to get my monies worth from it...for now
Bonjour

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Yay, It's Saturday

I don't have anything planned for today except to clean up the house a little which is a never ending job. My question is how can a place get so messy when there's only me here??? I swear everywhere I look I see used Kleenex's and it seems like I'm always picking them up and putting them in the trash..at least my dishes are in the dishwasher and ready to run when it gets full (which takes about a week)...I can't wait to feel better and to get my breathing under control again so I can paint my guest bathroom..I cleaned it this morning and I really hate how dirty the walls seem..it's been over 15 years since I've painted in there and it really needs it..I wish I could afford to upgrade the sink and lighting..I do have my dreams (although I've decided putting a bookcase where the bathtub is won't work..lol)..but need to just hold onto them and wait till I catch up on some bills ......
I'm done with my Saturday morning calls for the American Kidney Services..I swear This week's call list was 4 pages of #s of Old Old Old People and believe it or not I loved talking to them..One lady had just lost her oldest daughter to cancer this past week and was apologizing to me because she wasn't up to getting anything together at this time to donate..Then there was the older gentleman who just lost his wife the day before..he too apologized that he didn't have anything this time but said to call him back the next time we were in his area...he was so nice.
I have so far (I still have 3 more days to call back the one's I couldn't reach) 40 definite yes for donations and 20 maybes (which is funny because it's like these old people don't want to say No and hurt my feelings, last week I had a total of 4 maybe's) I will call ALL of them back the Tues before just to confirm and hopefully some of the maybes will turn into Yes's (although it would surprise me)...My first week of calls I had 42 Confirmed pickups scheduled and the drivers actually picked up 38 which is an 88% pickup rate...and that's what I get paid on is how many of the confirmed pick up actually get picked up..I figured that at this rate I'm being paid $6 an hour. I guess that's not too bad for part time work done at home and my own leisure..but I'm sure not going to get rich this way...I'm still playing the lottery...it's my only hope of really getting rich since I have no rich relatives waiting to die...at least the monies from this job will help out. Even if it's only a little, I'm still ahead of where I would be if I don't do anything..I can tell you this..it's a lot less stress than driving a School Bus...Whew!!
I've been thinking about cancelling my membership with the gym. It's $40 a month that I could put toward my other bills and truthfully I haven't been using it enough to justify keeping it..I know I keep saying I'll get back into it but I've mainly been keeping it so I can play racquetball which I love and there isn't anywhere else I can play but I've only been averaging 1 day a week..that's $10 each time I play..that's pretty expensive for 1 hour ...I can work out at home and also get back into running at the park (which I really loved) for cardio so I don't really need. I'm also trying to start up a fitness group with Thus Fit...not sure how to juggle all I want to do with the time I've got..still looking at my options.
Just Mainly trying to get my life back to Normal (what ever that is), health wise at least..
It seems like , with my health , it's like being pregnant.... in the morning I have so much trouble breathing and am all congested and then after 1 pm I'm feeling better, not so much trouble breathing and only have to blow my nose every once in awhile..I just want to get back to feeling good again...I've been real careful with my diet...no processed sugar. But for last night when I got the biggest urge for pizza..so I got a DiGiorno Spinach Mushroom frozen pizza and had 2 slices (wrapped the rest for later in the week). I should have stuck to only one but it tasted sooooo goood...it did make me a little sick last night..my stomach cramped up and I got some heartburn..but it didn't make me cough...I figure it was the tomato sauce on the pizza but I could not find a frozen pizza at the store that didn't have a tomato sauce...I used to buy Amy's Roasted Veggie pizza (which had tomato's but no sauce on it) but Wally World (where I do most of my food shopping) doesn't carry it...they do carry some of Amy's other dishes but not the pizza's..Now I'm afraid to try to eat any more of the pizza I have but I don't want to waste it...so it's a dilemma for me..for now it'll stay in the freezer so when I can't stand the urge any more I can microwave me 1 slice...
Oh yeah...let me tell you what I won't ever fix again...this morning I didn't have enough dried cranberries for my oatmeal so I added some frozen blueberries to my water...which changed the color to a pretty red and when I added the oatmeal to it...it still didn't look bad...but then I added my whipped egg white and all of a sudden the mixture turned a horrible PURPLE color...it reminded me of this horrible mixture that my older sister used to make that she called Goulash..
As for taste..after I added my honey and I closed my eyes while eating it..it actually didn't taste too bad...but I'm telling you it was Slimy & UGLY Looking.....so much for experimenting with what I do have..I love my oatmeal in the morning and have been trying to think of things I can add to it and get my fruit in for the day...dried apples work good if I add some cinnamon...and have been thinking bout trying the dried mixed fruit..but after this morning now I'm afraid...but never say die is my motto for today..
Need to go make some flash cards for my French lessons so I can be ready for tomorrow when the group meets at the French Bakery. Talk about temptation..but I all ready know that I can't eat anything there. Will just have some tea.
'A la prochaine Mon Amies

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

A Week passed by

and there was many a day I thought to come here and blog some of my thoughts but EE & MM won out the day instead. I've been struggling with my health but feel much better today so no excuses and no listening to EE & MM that I've let it go this long that another day won't hurt...Nope I'm here to recap whats been going on with me.

I did go to the gym last Weds to play racquetball but had so much trouble breathing that I didn't play to well..that's the only time I've been to the gym in 2 weeks..still trying to figure a way to get both the gym and my part time job in the evening balanced...I was hoping to get my problem with my health under control by now so I could start going to the gym to get some weight training in between my morning routes and afternoon routes when I have a 3 hr break but I'm just not up to it yet physically...and maybe some mentally..I seem to need a nap everyday...

I don't know if the part time job is really paying off yet since I'm only on my 2nd week but It's not too hard, just time consuming but at least I'm at home and can take a break anytime I want...Saturday morning I was having alot of problems with congestion and not being able to catch my breath, so I only called a few people and then took a break from it until that night..
For some strange reason first thing in the morning (the first hour) and late afternoons/evenings I have no problem...I'm still a little congested in the head and coughing a bit but not out of control like in the morning. I actually feel good just get tired of not being able to catch my breath and coughing all mornign so I am making most of my plans around that...All I really know is I'm going through a lot of Kleenex...yech...
In the afternoon I went to our group's (THUS which stands for The Usual Suspects, we're a group of friends that is interested in mostly jazz, wine, staying in shape and just having fun) favorite little cafe to meet with the planning committee to plan our 2009 calendar. Not sure how I got on the planning committee but it is always fun to meet with the group for any reason..We mainly sit around on the couch's drink bunches of Coffee and Tea and discuss what events we want to do in the next year. They have the internet hookup so we can go on line to check out venue's and check with other members to see if they want to host any events...It's a blast...for this month we are planning a Bowling Party...Feb a few of us singles will go to a nice restaurant and treat ourselves with a nice evening out. We have a lot of fun together...

After I got home that evening I finished my calls for the day. Then I spoke with my friend "DJ" who told me that HBO was televising the Presidential Inauguration Celebration Party in DC at 11:30 for ALL to watch...so I told her that I would probably be in bed by then but would turn that TV on to watch some of it...Well, let me tell you IT was so Great that there was no way I could go to sleep on it..I found myself clapping and singing along with some of the stars there in my bed. After it was over I was so wound up that I could go to sleep right away...I know that would have been a good time to come here and blog but truthfully I didn't want to get out of my nice warm bed so I just watched more TV until about 4 am...

Sunday I again decided to forgo the telemarketing calls so I could go to a friends house (one of my ThUS buddies) where a group is learning French...Actually the Amie (that's French for Friend) who is teaching us is from Africa (Synagogal not sure if that is spelled right) and is working on her English. She has been in the States for 3 years and I think she does great with her English but she wants to improve it so she is teaching us French and we are helping her with her English...This is another one of those things that I've always wanted to do..to learn another language and to be able to use it...Back about 4 years I actually tried learning from some tapes but got discouraged and gave it up...In fact I still have the tapes...my friend "J" who is our world traveler is checking them out and I think after I learn the basics (this week my home work is learning the alphabet, numbers and one sentence. I picked Je m'appelle Sue et c'est mon amie, "J'....) I will try the tapes out again..I'm excited about this because I think I will actually be able to use it...who knows maybe after this I'll learn Spanish....and when I win the Lottery I can become a world traveler also (notice I said When not If...more positive thinking..)
I had yesterday off from work and went and got my hair cut pretty short...not the best hair cut I've ever had but it'll grow out and for the monies I spent it's not too bad..again it helps to have a friend that is a beautician and she's been doing my hair for 5 years....

so it's back to work today and the Kids we're pretty good but I noticed that there were alot that didn't ride today...I wonder if their parents didn't let them stay home to watch the Inauguration...I know that I have it on and am listening to all the comments now...after all it is History in the making..I'm so excited about the Change and Pray for the safety of the new President and his family.

I'm sure there is more that I meant to write about but for now I think I'll call it a day and go watch the what I can of the Inauguration before I have to go back to work....More later....

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Busy Weekend

Yesterday morning I got up and hit the phones, making lots of calls for my part time job...more on this one at a later date...after I figure out if it's going to be worth my time and effort...it's not a hard job and I guess it has a lot of good points...but the one that mostly interests me now is if I can make any extra monies off from it....I won't know unless I try and see where I go with it...

After I was done with that I ate my oatmeal and then dyed my hair....yep, it's a Deep Burgundy...maybe a little too red. but I like it..then I went over to my friend DJ's and we played on her Wii Fit (I really suck at the hoola hoop..and don't even want to talk about soccer..what's with them throwing shoes at me....yikes) until it was time to go over to anther's friends place for dinner and to check out his new condo...(I did have a couple of glasses of wine...it's hard to pass up a good Riesling). There was a guy there from Germany who is living in Florida but came to visit and He said that he thought I was in my early 40's...whoooo hooo talk about making a girl feel good (and no he wasn't hitting on me..he was there with a date, another guy) I thought by going with DJ I would get home earlier since she normally leaves early and I usually don't leave until the wee hours of the morning...well, so much for that...we left at about 4 am and I got home around 5 am this morning....did my dishes, since I wasn't tired and then laid down in bed and slept until around 10 am....
I went to the grocery store where I again shopped healthy and stayed within my budget..didn't buy anything special just pretty much the same as last week just less. At 4 pm I hit the phones again for a couple of hours...one thing I do like about this pt job is that I'm my own boss and I can put in as many hours as I want since it is all commission..and it is to my own benefit at this time to get as many calls completed as I can...but after 4 hours I was tired of doing this (8 hrs for the weekend) so I'm calling it a night for now...besides that it seems that most people are at church or aren't very charitable, I had several people hang up on me and one person get down right nasty...I didn't take it personal tho...just kept dialing numbers...
Not sure how I'm going to exercise (at the gym at least) this week...I have a staff meeting tomorrow (which I had to make an Italian dish for...I settled for a pasta/veggie dish with Italian spices..if nothing else I will have dinner for the next week) during my mid day break and I really need to finish these calls (all the ones I couldn't get hold of today) since I'm only half way to my goal, tomorrow night..so I guess that means no racquetball....But one of my goals this year is to learn to deal with the all the little unplanned things that happen in my life...and how to get fit and healthy even though life goes on....

Friday, January 09, 2009

Life is about to take another turn!

I heard from the American Kidney Services and started working on the call list tonight..And I'm not sure I'm really ready for this...EE & MM are both having fits...

FACT ....I need monies to pay off my credit cards and driving bus just doesn't pay enough so I KNOW I need a part time job.

The customer service job from home seems like a good deal. The work is a no brainer. There is no sales involved, no traveling and no boss looking over my shoulder all the time....It's calling from home and it will take 3 nights of my free time and my Saturday morning . It's definitely something I can do. The thing is I've been crunching the #'s and I'm not sure that it's going to be worth my time (EE & MM talking)....It is Commission (and that's how I got in this mess with the credit cards in the first place, working at the gym on commission only) At the worst I figure I'll be earning about $5/hr . Supposedly the potential is there to make more (that's always the story with commission)....and after taxes who knows what I will end up. I really haven't checked into any other part time jobs so I don't know what the pay is out there for the kind of work that I would qualify for...I figure it's not much more. I do know if I don't do SOMETHING I won't make even that....unless I win the lottery...and so far I haven't had any luck on that one...
So I'm committed to do a least this call list which is 10 pages long (around 700#s) out of which I need at least 35 hits...Tonight I spent 45 mins calling around 30 # and got 3 hits..I figure 10 more hours and I might make it....I will come home tomorrow night and hit it hard then call on Sat morning...that should give me an idea how this job is going to go...

Oh yeah, I didn't go to the gym tonight (I listened to MM & EE) thinking I would go tomorrow night and get a good leg work out but now I know that's not going to happen...I came home to work on the seating chart for my Elementary School and then I got the call from my new supervisor and we had to spend time on the phone going over the ins & outs of the call list so I missed eating dinner until after I got done with the calls (after 9 pm) and I let myself get really hungry
and as always when I'm faced with changes I go to the kitchen and eat everything I can find...so there goes that out the window tonight...now I'm busy coughing and I know I'm not going to be able to sleep because of all the things going around in my head....Coming here seems to help a little though so who knows.....Thank God tomorrow is Friday...And I WILL get back on track with my eating...I have to My Health won't let me do anything else....

Thursday, January 08, 2009

Another day

All day yesterday I had some problems with the congestion and coughing up alot of mucus...I was wearing my tight jeans and didn't take the Musinex...Every time I moved it caused me trouble...so today I'm wearing loose clothing (I look like Sh*t but feel more comfortable) and took the Musinex and haven't had hardly any problem with coughing once I cleared out all the junk this morning....I feel pretty good...the thing is I've never felt sick just had this nagging cough and alot of congestion in my chest...My head is congested (not sure if it's from the GERD or if I actually have a cold) so I took some Comtrex this morning...I'm determined to beat this thing and get back to being healthy...
At work this morning I got my own Bus back (it was in the shop for it's annual checkup)....whoooohoooo...I hated that spare bus..going up hills I felt that I needed to get out and push the thing...even the kids noticed what a pig it was...the county uses the older buses for spares and I swear they are the worst in the lot...everyone hates getting a spare bus...
also I sat so low in the thing that other drivers said they couldn't see me...in my Bus I sit way up high due to the seat being on a pedestal type thing..I feel like a Queen and I can see the whole bus in the mirror so much easier...it's amazing how little things like that can make a difference in how your day goes....So I'm thinking about going back to work this afternoon wearing a crown...teehehehehehhe....I know my kids will be glad I've got my bus back..they ask me everyday about it....I now have to get serious about changing the seating for my elementary school...I have some good kids that need moved to the back and some other kids who need to be moved to the front..sounds easy? Well, it's not. I have 67 kids on this route and
it entails a lot of work. I've been putting it off for a while..but I do believe in rewarding the good so i guess I'll work a little on it today and hopefully by the first part of next week I can get them all moved. that in itself is fun....The job of a bus manager is never done....LOL..
Still on track with the food..absolutely no processed sugar or flour all week..not that I don't think about it... I feel lighter and hopefully when I weigh myself next I will have actually lost some more pounds...I weighed on Monday but am thinking about moving the weigh in day to Saturday..that way if I haven't lost any weight it won't ruin my whole week just my weekend :(

How I love the gym!

For the past two years it's been hit or miss with me going to the gym except to play racquetball and even that has had it's down times...mostly I make excuses not to go...it's been so bad that a few times I drove to the gym and sat in my truck and read, then left without going inside....Then I'll have spurts where I go for a couple of weeks, work out half heartily (telling myself that I'm giving it my all) and then come home and vegetate...I think I got burned out on the gym when I worked there...at least that is what I tell myself...but the truth is the gym I go to isn't the one I worked at so I really can't use that as an excuse...
I almost had myself talked out of going last night..I started to listen to Moanin' Mona (MM) about how tired I was and to Evil Eva (EE) about how it's too far to drive and I would get home too late...and I would miss dinner....but since I had my bag already packed and in the truck and I also had the rest of the apple and cabbage from my earlier snack I decided to find out JUST how far it really was to the gym from where I park my truck and how long it would take me to get there...it took me 25 mins and it was 12 miles (remember this is during the rush hour) although it's further for me to drive home it still is not as bad as EE made it sound..
So I get to the gym, do my stretching, talk to another lady there who is stretching, she shows me another stretch for the hamstring that I hadn't tried before. Then I got on the treadmill and walked 1.5 miles for 25 mins...there was this nice guy running next to me and we talked for a while..he wanted to know where I've been...he said that he used to see me there ALL the time and then I stopped coming...told me people noticed...Whoooooo Scary... I also ran into a couple of friends that I haven't seen for a long time...I love gym rats...I want to be that gym rat again...teehehehhe...anyway I worked up a good sweat on the treadmill...it's hard starting over but I know I have to start...hopefully it won't take long to get back to where I was two years ago when I could run 3 miles in 30 mins...my breathing gave me some problems but nothing I couldn't get past..and I didn't cough at all until I got off the treadmill....then I did some bi's, tri's and chest weights...again met a couple of people that I use to see all the time....I was home by 8 pm....fixed me a spinach salad with one of the boiled eggs and a veggie burger with a slice of melted veggie Swiss on it.. which satisfied me...the I sat and watched the New Biggest Loser...these people make me look like a stick and they lost boo cooo weight in 1 week...I always did say that that show was SO unrealistic....I mean who could work that hard in the gym the first day for 6 hrs and still be able to move the next day...there's something wrong with this picture..I mean I think it's great that they lose weight and all but it kinda discourages me thinking that here I am with 50 lbs to lose which I figure will take me months to lose and they lose 30 lbs in one week (of course the guys that lost that weighed over 400 lbs).
I also went to the gym tonight to play racquetball, the other night I could only play 2 games, it was 3 tonight...As I was leaving ran into girlfriend that used to work out with (we also partied together a couple of times) so I had to catch up on all her new...she's now working out at the gym that I used to work at which is closer to home for her but is thinking about coming back to this gym because she misses all the old gang...It's great to have a support group....My arms are a little sore from last night but nothing that I can't live with...The plan is to go back tomorrow night and do legs and back...
Came home and fixed a light supper of noodles/sausage/onion/squash/zucchini/spinach with a splash of balsamic vinegar...it was delicious and I only fixed enough for one bowl so no left overs to tempt me...
I'm feeling pretty good about myself and am making some plans for how I want to go forward to making goals and reaching them...

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Day Three

I'm not feeling as bright & perky today...in fact I feel like I could use a nap (might not be a bad idea)...4:30 came way to early this morning...
I went to the gym last night and played two games of racquetball and I didn't even have a major coughing fit...was out of breath (I believe I'm on the mend) and I sweated up a storm since my partner had me all over the court...It was fun...I've missed playing so much...I may not be the best player but I keep trying and I have fun playing...to me that's what matters...not that I win but that I play my best...

I've been thinking about my diet and realize that I haven't been getting enough protein, mostly been eating carbs and I know I need to balance these two things. I used to do a protein drink every morning but it was to costly so I need to find another way to get enough protein in my meals...Last night after coming home from the gym I grilled a Tialipia fillet on my GFG (George Forman Grill) and steamed a handful of Green beans (it was great). This morning I'm having my oatmeal with dried cranberries (no milk) and I added a beaten egg white to it...it's not too bad. I think I will boil up some eggs for snacking. I also have my tofu waiting for me to do something with it...maybe for dinner I'll have some with the veggies I bought...Opps... I need to quit thinking of food all the time.

I've also been thinking how I can keep up the momentum after 2 weeks...which seems to be my limit to keep doing anything lately...I always start out gung ho but then I let things start to slide back to where I was...and I really don't want to do that this time...maybe if I keep coming back here to read what I wrote it will make it easier and give me that motivation I need...
I know I need to make goals and write them down but they are the same goals I've had for the past 2 years and it seems like repetition for me to write them down here...maybe later..
For now I think I'll go take a nap and boil those eggs....

Monday, January 05, 2009

Do I see a light at the end of the tunnel?

First day back to work from the Winter Break...all went pretty good..was worried about coughing a lot but it wasn't too bad...Had to take my bus in for service and they gave me a spare bus which isn't a good thing because all of the spare buses are really in bad shape...talk about no pick up or speed...oh well, hopefully it will only be a couple of day then I can get my own bus back...more on this at a later date.

I'm mentally & physically feeling so good today..when I got up this morning I decided to weigh myself..when I was at the doctors last Monday I weighed in at 207.5...I was hoping that I was at least down past 205...imagine my surprise when I weighed in at 199...whoooohooo...I am going to say GOOD BYE to the 200's and I never want to see them again....I think it's due to the way I've been eating the last few days...Oatmeal w dried cranberries for breakfast and lunch (I make 1 cup and then split it for both meals) it seems to be satisfying me...my stomach seems to be tolerating the oatmeal...I've tried to eat small whenever I do eat anything and to wait at least 2 hours between eating anything...and NOTHING for 2-3hours before going to bed...Imagine what I would weigh if I had been exercising at the same time....altho I'm still having trouble catching my breath when I move around, I am going to the gym tonight (got my gym bag and snack in the truck already) and try to play racquetball...I have really missed it...
As for the part time job search...got an email from AKS with an application so I read everything and filled out the application last night...This past weekend #1 Niece came over and set up the printer/fax machine she had given months ago (but I procrastinated hooking it up because I didn't want to admit to her that I needed help doing it) and so today I faxed the application to the AKS...keep your fingers crossed...after reading everything they sent me it looks doable....I will have to keep EE & MM under control because they do so hate having to do anything and have been trying to tell me all kinds of junk...like how much I hate talking on the phone (which I do but it's better than going to work at a fast food place and it's only for a couple of hours in the evenings and on the weekends). I know I can do this...
I've gotten myself into some trouble with credit cards over the past couple of years and I really need to get them paid off...the late charges and interest are killing me..so WHEN I get the extra monies from the part time job it will all go toward that.. I know it's going to take awhile but if I don't stop putting off what I Know I need to do then it will only get worse...I still need to get a summer job and The Kid and I are working on a plan for that..
So do I see a light at the end of the tunnel? It's only a dot right now but I know if I keep moving forward it will get bigger....

Sunday, January 04, 2009

Shopping for Healthy foods on a budget

I've been gripping for over a year how it's too expensive to try to eat healthy. That to eat on my budget which is $35 a week for food I had to buy things I know aren't good for me...like cheap pizza that cause me heartburn, pretzels to snack on, bread, peanut butter & jelly....these are just a few things that I know are causing me problems but keep on eating them because I was convinced that's all I could afford....so tonight I took that $35 and I decided to see just what I could get for it at WalMart...I think I did pretty good...
MY LIST

a bag of baby spinach
1 bag ea of frozen peas, green beans and mixed vegetables (they didn't have the broccoli that I wanted) for soups
1 pkg of turkey smoked sausage (to add to my soups)
1 bag of 4 Frozen Tilapia Fillets
1 serving frozen Stouffers Veggie Lasagna (this is a treat for me when my stomach is better)
1 pkg (4 patties) Morning Star Veggie Garden Burgers (I use to love these things)
1 pkg veggie Swiss slices
1 pkg tofu
1 pkg Wasu Multigrain Crispbreads
1 pkg of Whole Wheat Noodles
1 pkg of dried cranberries (for my oatmeal in the morning)
2 cans of chicken broth (for that soup)
1 head of cabbage (great for soups, snacks, etc)
3 Avocados (I couldn't help it they were on sale and spread on a crispbread it makes a great snack)
3 Gala Apples (these cut up with some raw cabbage will work great for a snack before I go to the gym since I don't like to eat before working out but need something)
1 Zucchini squash (love to snack raw)
1 yellow Squash (snack again)
1 doz eggs (which put me over the $35 but I have this thing about eggs and I only had a couple left at the house)

All this came to an even $37 plus tax...not bad if you ask me...Call it guilt but I haven't looked forward to eating anything in a long time...but my mouth is actally salivating tonight. Looking back at my old blogs I see that I really enjoyed eating healthy..sure there's a lot I can't afford to buy that I used to but I think there is still lots of things I can do with what I do have in my cupboards and what I bought tonight to feed me healthy for at least (if not more) than a week...I was worried that I wouldn't have anything to snack on but I see I have all kinds of things here..
Back to my eating small meals (snack included) 5 times a day. The idea is not to let my stomach get empty or too full. I know it can be done because I did it for 3 years....
Feels good to be back.

Saturday, January 03, 2009

Motivation for today

A quote from my Sparks Motivation email I receive everyday!
"Who is standing in your way?
Imagine someone regularly tying small weights around your ankles as you try to climb a mountain. Doesn't sound fair, does it?
But that's exactly what you can do to yourself, a little bit at a time, if you don't watch out. When you think of who and what is standing in the way of your dreams, it's easy to forget your own responsibility.
Even the best of us can be guilty of unknowingly hurting our own progress. Procrastination, lateness, being disorganized, pessimism, not being honest with yourself, severe self-criticism, downplaying achievements, focusing only on weaknesses while ignoring strengths, keeping goals a secret, demanding perfection, giving up after a small setback--these are all ways you can make it tough to be (and do) your best.
Smart systems, the right attitude, and a promise to keep going no matter what will make a world of difference. "

Yesterday as I was cleaning (deleting without reading) up my many emails I decided to actually look at some of the ones from a group an Internet friend suggested (Sparks People) and I joined in one of my positive moments in the past year that I was hoping to give me motivation (I let EE & MM convince me that it wasn't exactly what I was looking for but I kept it any just in case I needed it someday). I get about 3-4 motivational emails a day from them and I've been just deleting most of them without reading except the recipes for several reasons (MM & EE at work again telling me that they were a waste of time because I already know it all and did not pertain to me)...this is the same group that I found the GERD info on...so I decided to actually take the time to read a couple before I deleted them and found this one, it seemed to be written just for me ..

And as I read this I realize that I've been letting EE & MM add small weights to my ankles until I can hardly walk...and even though I've tried to kick one off for awhile I stand by and let them put it back on.
Each of the following are weights that I am going to kick off one at a time and work at keeping off from now on...I know it will be work. I've let EE & MM have their ways for way too long and I know that the "Sexy" part of me is stronger (when I let her) and that she (or I) can overcome all of actions that I have let control me for the past year.
Procrastination, I can't tell you how many times I have had opportunities to do things but have procrastinated until it was too late...even as recently as this past week with the ad for the part time job...this isn't a first time.
Being disorganized..if you could see my office and the garage you would know that this is so very true...I remember when I was very organized and felt in control...but I've been listening to MM & EE that it's too much work to change things...takes too much time and it's fine the way it is....
Pessimism. I've always said I was not a pessimist but I see now that is exactly what I've been lately...not trying because only bad things happen to me...get real ...I have so many good things in my life but the pessimism has been keeping me from seeing them.
Not being honest with yourself. this is has always been a problem for me..it's amazing how much I will listen and believe all the lies my inner selves will tell me..
Focusing on weakness and while ignoring strengths ..this is a big one since all I have been thinking about is how I fail in everything and can't do anything...which leads to
Severe self -criticism...I know I am my worst critic.
Keeping goals a secret. Not being honest with myself I think if I don't tell anyone my goals then I can't fail again in them....
and last but not least
Giving up after a set back. This is basically what I did after I lost that job that I thought was going to be the "big" answer to all my problems....

So this is my promise (or commitment) to MYSELF...I am NOT going to keep letting EE & MM put those small weights on my ankles to keep me from climbing that mountain (I know it's going to be an uphill struggle). It's time to stand up and say Enough of this...lets get going with making my life what I want it to be.

*note..if you are a new reader and don't know who EE & MM is...they are my alter egos Evil Eva and Moaning Mona.

Being Positive

Anther blogg...boy am I on a roll....but I feel good this morning (altho I'm doing alot of coughing) and know that I have to get back on track with everything instead of letting Moaning Mona and Evil Eva run my life...I can sit around all day, watch tv and moan about how bad things are but that won't change anything And I need things to change TODAY not tommorow or when I feel better...I need it done NOW...

There are so many things in my life that I have let slip and from reading my last years blog I see it started then and I really haven't done anything about...oh sure I tried for a day or two but then I let MM & EE take control...so how am I going to keep that from happening this time? Truthfully I'm not sure ....but I feel that if I take babysteps and not try to do everything at one time ....not put all the pressure on me at one time that maybe I can actually get back my "Sexy" who I truly loved being...

All my life I've struggled with things...no monies, being fat, feeling insecure but I KNOW those were all my own doings...no one is to blame but ME...I'm the one that has to take charge..if I don't have monies then I need to get out there and find out what is available to me..and if one thing doesn't work then try another...Everything can't be handed to me...(altho I'm still going to play the lottery and hope I win)...but I'm also going to look at what else is available to me..

Monday at the pharmacy there was a newspaper on the bench and while I was waiting for my prescription I glanced at the wanted part time jobs looking for an easy way to make some extra monies (not sure just what I was looking for, just know I need more monies). There was one in there for the Kidney Foundation Services for a CSR to make calls for pick up of donations. Now this is one of the charities I truly feel is a worthy charity and have tried to support it in the past due to my son Jason's illness with renal failure many years ago....so I brought the ad home but it's been sitting on my desk since then...as usual MM & EE have been telling me that this isn't something I want to do...I mean I hate telemarketing, calling peoples at their homes and bothering them..and besides I like my evenings and on the weekends I want to do things .....but I kept thinking about it and this morning I realized that this could be an answer for me only if I actually do something about it. So I sent an (what I feel is an informed) email to the address stating my reasons why I need this job and requested they get back with me if the job is still available...It doesn't pay alot and being on commission it would be up to me to push myself..but in the position I am right now every little penny helps besides I feel this would be a way to make myself feel better about ME...
If I do get the job it won't end my money problems totally and I still need to look at other options (like finding a summer job) but a least it is a POSITIVE step in the right direction...and if I don't get the position then I will keep looking for something else...I know it's out there...

It amazes me that just knowing that there are things I CAN DO for making my life better (which "Sexy" has always known) I feel so much more POSITIVE and ready to face life again.

Now if I could just figure out how to make it LAST.....

In search of GERD

Two posts in one day after not posting for a year but I felt that if I didn't write this down now I wouldn't be able to sleep tonight so here goes...
after leaving here earlier I went to some of the other sites that I have used in the past for getting motivation and on one of them I found a support group for acid reflux...but before I go into that let me back up here and tell why I was looking for such a group....

I have been sick for a while now with what I thought was a chest cold..in fact I have been struggling for over 2 months with it...a nagging cough and difficulty breathing are only a couple of my symptoms...it has gotten so bad that all my friends and family pressured me into going to the doctor last week...who listened to my lungs, took my blood pressure and temp and said that my lungs didn't sound all that bad but gave me a steroid shot and antibiotic prescription and told me to take Mucinex DM...I felt great the first day, probably the steroid shot but since then it just doesn't seem to be getting any better.
So I've been doing some thinking and remembering the trouble I had years ago when I weighed over 250 pounds and used to go to doctors all the time.... back in 1989 I had this nagging dry cough from a tickle in the throat and alot of heartburn...the cough got so bad that it was like coughing up a lung..finally went to a gastronenoligist who told me that I had a Hiatal Hernia which was causing me acid reflux, he put me on Zantac (at that time you couldn't buy it over the counter) and told me that I needed to lose weight by changing my diet..well at that time I didn't lose any weight but did learn to eat alot of Tums...I also gave up fried foods and soda which seemed to help...I still got heartburn but wasn't coughing...and after I lost my weight and got fit I didn't even have the heartburn so I figured that I was cured (lol)...I remember when I didn't even have any Tums in the house...and believe me I can eat them like candy...
Anyway back to today...about a month ago after taking some Thera Flu my acid reflux started to acting up but I didn't want to admit to myself that my eating habits were the reason why I was so sick...after all my chest was congested and I was and still am coughing up alot of phlegm (yech) so I figured I was dealing with a couple of things here (and that's still a possiblity). But after reading this article http://yourtotalhealth.ivillage.com/gastroesophageal-reflux-disease.html about GERD (Gastroesophagel Reflux Disease) I am totally convinced that this is my problem and the good thing is I know what I have to do to get better (what a relief) and to keep it under control since there is no cure for it... it won't be easy but in some ways it will make what I want to do which is get back to eating healthy and exercising easier...since I know that if I eat certain things (like processed sugar and chocolate) I will have problems with the acid reflux (which I truly do not enjoy)....I know that if I don't get this under control I can (if I haven't already) get COPD a progressive lung disease...now that's down right scary....it has been scary anyway having trouble breathing...

so here's my list of some of my symptoms which I've had for awhile but didn't' think anything of them since it only happens every once in a while (until lately)
heart burn (which as gotten worse in the last month, at night especially)
Stricture which is difficulty swallowing food (I've had this problem for about a year now mostly with bread. I remember my Mom having the same problem when she was here years ago...)
acid taste in mouth and back of throat (it causes a tickle which isn't any fun)
waking up with a choking sensation (this one is scary)
top these with the coughing and congestion but no fever and not feeling sick otherwise I have came to the conclusion (just call me Dr Sue) that I have found my GERD and now I'm going to get serious and figure out just how I can control it with out going to a doctor and getting on medications...I firmly believe that there must be a way....and I'm determined to find it...

First I will make a list of foods I know that cause me heartburn..sugar being the biggest culprit and I will find an alternate that I can tolerate....
I will find a way to eat healthy on a budget....true sugar is cheaper than honey but not if it causes me to have to take prescriptions....

second I know that exercise helps me keep the stress down and also will build the muscles around my stomach so it can tolerate me wearing clothes that aren't baggy...which I hate but have to do for now..(I noticed the other night when I was wearing my pants which have gotten tight on me that I was doing alot of coughing and having trouble getting comfortable)...

I will keep looking for ways to make myself healthy again...I really liked that feeling!!!

I will start this one day at a time as I did before but I will get it under control...

Friday, January 02, 2009

Where did 2008 go?

Here it is a new year 2009 and of course I'm thinking about New Years Resolutions (which I always hate) and I realize I've let 2008 go by and I have NOTHING to show by it except bad feelings, bad health and bad self esteem...Now this isn't good...so I came here to re read some of my earlier blogs (which surprized me how good they were) and realized I really want that person that wrote those blogs back..

I started this blog in 2005 when I was at a really good place...very positive...ready for anything...lots of adventures..not afraid to face my inner demons and working on getting my self esteem to a level that would only mean success for me...

So what happened?

How did I get to where I am today?...maybe not exactly where I was (mentally or physically) when I began in 2003 but close to it...I'm defiantly not the same person I was back when I started this blog and how do I get that "Sexy" back. At this time I'm not going to into all that is wrong with my life today because that isn't what matters to me...What matters to me is getting back to where I am happy with myself...to see some of that personality I see when I go back and reread some of my earlier blogs...

I have all the tools and knowledge to do it and one of them is coming here and blogging in where I am and all of my successes not just my failures...

so maybe I won't do a New Years Resolution but I will make a list of what I would like to see happen in my life in the next couple of months...

1. to get back into a regular exercise routine (whether that be at the gym, hiking, running 5k's again or all of them)... not accepting any more excuses such as the cost of gas...too tired after work, no clothes that fit me or not feeling good enuff. I know this is important for my mental and physical self more than anything else..This is what makes ME feel good...and I want ME back..besides It's Fun!!!

2. blogging in...this keeps me from accepting those excuses. and it's a good place to get motivation from other bloggers like Swigg and Kyra..good to see they are still at it...I know I've said this in the last couple of years and I do good for awhile then stop but I'm going to work on really staying with it this time.... It's another way of judging just where I am and how far I've come...

3. getting my health back..to do this I need to control my eating...no accepting excuses bout the cost of healthy food...I NEED to get off the white processed sugar...I know it's killing me and I also know I can live without it...I did for 2 years...I may not be able to afford the way I ate a few years ago but I truly believe there is a way not to starve my self and eat healthy within a budget..I just have to find it....maybe try some new recipes with what I can afford...

4. Start enjoying life again..it's not that I'm totally miserable but I've defiantly let Myself get in to a way of life of making excuses and accepting that I can't do certain things because of where I am today with my health....I've done it before and I can do it again...I want that really good feeling I had back when I started this blog...I want the adventure back..

So where did 2008 go? What did I do the whole year? Some of the Highlights were..

In May I did go to the wedding on the beach in Florida with my TH.us group (more about them later, they have been a lifeline for me in the past year). I didn't lose the weight but still had a great time with my friends...

In June The Kid and I went to Wyoming to visit my Mom and family...not the happiest time in my life but most of it was my own doing...For some reason this trip really threw me for a loop...I missed Lar so much and seeing my Mom who is 80 years old and not doing good mentally and physically just about tore me up...put me in a "black hole" for quite a long time...

Did not get a job for the summer....made excuses which I don't won't to go into right now but mostly sat around the house feeling sorry for myself and eating and getting bigger. Until the last two weeks before school started then called my supervisor and asked her if she could put me to work in the office...Thank God she did!!!

August school started and I went back to driving the school bus. Surprizing how much I really enjoy the kids...This year I only have 3 routes..the same high school route (mostly same kids) as last year, 1 elementary school (I'm on my third new route for various reasons) and a new middle school route (which I just got a month ago)...it challenges me and keeps me young trying to keep up with these kids..
I also got a raise and more hours...oh yeah...on Thurs I do Community Skills for the high school...with 7 boys who are special ed...some day I'll write about them but not today...

In October Th.us had another wedding...this one was for Carson and Huyen in the Blue Ridge Mountains...the group also went white water rafting but I had a bad feeling about going this years so I sat it out with my Friend Rachel who just had back surgery.

I've only gone hiking a couple of times and those were only small day hikes...I use the excuse that I don't have the right clothes to wear and I don't want to slow the group down...again excuses which only make me miss out on the fun..

As you can see I know I've had some good times in 2008..it hasn't all been bad so why do I feel that I've failed at something I should have been doing...

Well the good thing is there is always today and tomorrow to get back to where I want to be..Life is full of set backs but that doesn't mean that it is the End...