Evil Eva rules the night!!!

I lost a battle with Evil Eva last night... yep, she gained control over my eating, but I'm back today and i'm not going to let her have her way today.

I've been doing soo good the last couple of weeks and it's been showing... I've lost 3 pounds in the last 2 weeks. But last night I let my guard down and who slipped in but Evil Eva...
I ate my delicious dinner of Spagetti squash with spinach/tofu/tomato & parmesean cheese but as usual EE wasn't satisfied, altho I wasn't hungry, she wanted more to eat.. so we dug the rice milk frozen dessert out of the fridge (I was saving it for this weekend) ate that, then went to the cupboard and got a Kashi bar, ate that... I told her that was all we were going to eat, but she kept at me so before I went to bed I got a box of raisins (the small individual boxes, at least I've learned that much) and ate that before going to bed... now understand this is all in 2 hrs... Why do I let her do that to me???

I was afraid to stand on the scale this morning so will wait until my weigh in day Saturday.. keep your fingers crossed.

I didn't play racquetball last night since it was my partners "girls night out". Instead I ran on the treadmill for 30 mins and did an extra workout for the legs, which I haven't done since I hurt my toe (with stretching it made a 2 hr night)... Feel pretty good today. I walked at lunch and will do my serious upper body workout for the week tonight...maybe that will offset the binge from hell last night...

Truthfully I don't think I did all that bad compared to what I used to eat. Not having carp porn around helps alot but I still want to get to where my mind is as satified as my body is after eating dinner... I wonder what it will take to break this mindless eating when I'm not even hungry? Eating just to be eating is such a waste of energy... I need to post the following on my cupboard.... or even better on my forehead so I won't be persauded by EE any more..

“The chief cause of failure and unhappiness is trading what we want most for what we want at the moment”
-Unknown

Memories of 32 years ago

September 29, 1973..On the morning of this date 32 years ago, I was a scared 23 yr old driving myself to the hospital to give birth to "The Kid".
My life had changed dramatically in the 2 years before this date. In Nov 1971, I had given birth to twin sons, one who did not survive birth and the other, Jason, was born with a kidney disease, developed extreme brain damage at 4 months old and was not expected to live beyond 3 yrs old (another story for another time).My marriage had dissolved, it had become physically abusive and besides he (my husband) had found someone else who he wanted to be married to (which he informed me of when I told him I was pregnant) so I had taken Jason & moved into my own apartment at 3 months pregnant... I had gone from weighing 210 to 170 while pregnant with the child I was carrying... mostly due to stress of trying to take care of a 2 yr old, with medical problems and who was like an infant and living by myself. Now don't get me wrong, there were good times in those 2 years. But on this morning while driving myself to the hospital I was scared because I didn't know what the future held for me... I just knew that I was going to give life to another being that would be dependent on me and I wasn't sure if I could do it all by myself. Although the doctor was pretty sure that this baby would be healthy, there is always that doubt... I knew that I had a long day ahead of me... I had gotten to pick what day I wanted to give birth since I was being induced and doing it by myself.. so I had picked a Saturday so my Mom could stay with Jason, at this time she was the only other person that could take care of him.. I knew that I would be doing this by myself and memories of the horrible delivery of the twins (24 hrs of very hard labor with no relief) didn't make it any easier.. I knew that this time I had a good doctor but in the back of my mind I kept reliving that other time...
Well, I put on a brave face and took myself into the hospital, filled out the paper work, walked to my room where I would spend the next 10 hrs... I had the greatest doctor... he came in and stayed in the room with me as much as he could, even to doing his paper work in my room, and he made sure that I was relaxed as much as possible, went over with me the breathing exercises (something I didn't have the first time) and made sure that someone checked on me often during the wait... When they finally came to take me in the delivery room I was on the phone talking with my Mom and told them that it couldn't be time yet because I wasn't hurting enough, but the doctor laughed and said that the baby had crowned and the time was now... I don't actually remember the actual birth but I do remember the doctor saying "It's a girl" .. Now I had convinced myself that I would have another boy, to replace Jason when he finally passed so I was truly surprised to hear that the baby was a girl...My first thought was that she looked so much like Jason, except bigger, when he was born. I wanted to keep her with me, but they had to take her to run tests to make sure everything was alright... so they took me to the ward. I called my Mom, then called the father to let him know (he was at his girlfriends') so I left a message... then I Cried! Some was from relief, some was feeling sorry for myself that I had to do this by myself, and some was just plain being young...It was hard being in the ward where the other women had their husbands with them but when they took me back down the hall to see the baby, I didn't care about any of that because I knew than that This baby would be all mine....
Happy Birthday Kid... I love you more than words can say....I am so proud of the woman you have grown into, you are the best daughter a Mother like me could ever have...I've made a lot of mistakes in my life but believe me you weren't one of them....

The Biggest Loser

Here it is 3:36 am and I can't sleep again.... So much going on in my mind so instead of tossing and turning in bed I decided to come here. I wonder if there will ever be a time when I can sleep through a whole night. Most of the time I wake up but can go right back to sleep...Not tonight!

Thinking about the reality show I watched tonight (I knew there was a reason I don't watch too much tv). The Biggest Loser... A couple of things come to mind.

1. In the middle of the show they showed an advertisement for Betty Crocker (I think) dessert... it was some fattening dessert with topping that you can make in the micro wave.... Now I ask you..... Why would they do that? I mean this is a show about how to lose weight and be healthy and they tempt you with something like that... Well, I wasn't tempted, in fact I didn't even watch the whole advertisement. But I did think about those poor slobs who were mentally adding that junk on their grocery list... NO WAY Jose. Not me... I guess that only goes to prove to me how I've changed over the past 2 years...

2. The guy who got voted off the show this week, Nick, never really got IT... he was the one guy who always had to do it his way... He ate what he wanted, and never really pushed himself while exercising.... He did lose 41 pounds in 3 weeks while on the show.... But they showed a clip after the show of how he is doing now and damn if he didn't put that weight back on and more to boot.. He wouldn't tell how much he gained or weighed but you could see that it was quite a bit. He didn't even look like the same guy.... Last season, everyone on the show went onto losing more weight after they were voted off the show. They took the lessons they learned on the show seriously...I just wanted to yell at him and say " Hey Nick, It works!!! "

3. I can't help but look at the girls on the show and think "That is what I looked like 2 years ago". When they announced that they are taking applications for The Biggest Loser 3, the first thought that came into my mind was "I should apply" but then it hit me.... I'm not big enough anymore for that show!!! WOW what a revelation.... I'm too skinny for something!!! Who'd ever thunk I would ever be able to say that.... Although I'm still overweight at 170 pounds (the charts say OBESE, gawd I hate that word) I'm not big enough for the show.... That feels good... That doesn't mean I'm going to rest on my laurels (whatever that is) nope I'm going to keep on going and once I do reach goal then I will keep on doing the same things I'm learning to do now so I can maintain the weight loss. I WILL NOT BE A NICK!!! I am determined that this time the weight will not come back...

4. Why do I watch this show? The same reason I joined eDiets, the same reason I blog... I need motivation to keep going. And you never quit learning. If this show can show me one thing to keep this weight off, it will be worth all the silliness (girls crying for no reason).

At 64 pounds lost I might not be the Biggest Loser, but I'm sure on my way to being that in my life!!!!!!

Feeling kinda blah today!!!

Must be the let down of all the good things that's been happening to me lately. I haven't had one of these blah days in a long time...Thank goodness!!!
I didn't want to get out of bed this morning... I woke up pretty much every hour on the hour all night... not unusal for me, part of this is due to 30 years of being a care taker (first my son for 7 years and then husband for 23 yrs).. and around 4 am I finally fell back to sleep... why is it I sleep the best that hour before the alarm is set to go off? I know I was having another weird dream (but can't remember what now) and I wanted to wake up but when I did wake up I didn't want to get out of under the covers... Mornings like this are always hard for me because I reach for Larry without thinking and he isn't there.... you would think that after 3 years I won't do that anymore....some mornings it's just seems harder than others to accept...It is probably the one time I miss him the most because that was "our time" together....
Soooo, what I have to do is set my mind on other things and get my positive mood back... I will not allow myself to stay in this blah mood...
I brought my lunch as usual but I think I will walk over to Sub Way ( a mile) and get a turkey wrap instead.. I can still eat my fruit and veggies that I brought. The walk will do me good. My legs are a little sore this morning from the run Sunday.. I did play racquetball last night and did pretty good for me... didn't win but what the heck..
I didn't do any weights last night ( but did a good 20 mins stretch) because I seem to have lost my gloves and with the arthritis in my hands it's to hard to grip with out them... so I stopped on my way home last night and got a new pair... yay... I had to get some new racquetball balls anyway.... guess I've been hitting them too hard... (big hardee laugh inserted here)..

I will be giving myself a break (?) from working out this weekend because I am keeping my 2 1/2 yr old Grand daughter (lil Missy) overnight Saturday. That means I will have to fore go my run on Sunday. (#1 Niece says she's gong to run anyway with her dog, good for her)... Lil Missy's Mommy, My Daughter, (The KID) is having a birthday in 2 days.... It doesn't seem possible I could have a KID that is going to turn 32 years old... where did all the years go? any hooo I am keeping the lil Missy so Mom & Dad can go away together alone, since Bubba (my 7 yr old Grandson) will be at his Real Dad's (the Jerk) for her birthday... something I believe every couple with small children needs (alone time). It's always interesting to have lil Missy come to visit... It's definately a workout in itself...More about this later I'm sure....

OK I think I've talked myself out of the Blahs... that was easier than I thought... but Life is too good to be depressed (blah)....

Blog World of Acceptance

I have really made it into the Blog World of Acceptance.... #1 niece called me Friday night to let me know that I am now on Skwigg's blog links... Who would of thunk that a little thing like that would excite me sooo much..(a fact that #1 niece and I talked about over a beer Friday night).... Do we really need to get a life or what?

What does it mean to know that other peoples could actually be reading what I write about????... oh the responsibility of making sure that I don't make a complete fool out of myself... or that I don't say something that I will regret later....I've been know to do both!

Let me take a moment to Thank both #1 Niece and Skwigg (just in case she actually looks here) for putting me out there where others could possibly find me... Thank YOU... Big hugs & Kisses to both of you...(ewww how gushy can you get?)

This is the second biggest thing that has happened to me in the past week.. Ranks right up there with getting the award for second place in the 5k race... (you had to know I was going to get that in there somewhere today, right?). Thanks Kyra for the congrats.... I am seriously thinking about starting that collection of T'shirts but will be sure to get the right size next time...teeeheheeh

My first 5K race!

My morning started off at 5:45 am after a night filled with dreams of all the things that could go wrong at the race. I dreamt that I couldn't find the registration table to get my number and when I finally find it, they can't find my name on the list (I preregistered).. finally get that worked out and then I couldn't find the route to run..(I hate these kind of dreams). but at least I wasn't running naked... teehhheee.
Anyway, I get out of bed, get ready for the run, pack my cooler with water, oranges & kashi bars... Drink my protein drink and call #1 niece to be sure she is ready....She is!!! So I get in my pink S10 Chevy truck and go pick her up and we drive to Duluth (about 30 mins away) We park a little ways away from everyone else (a thing I do not matter what) and walk over to the park where the registration table are.... no problems. I get my number & my XL Teeshirt . I guess I am soo used to getting large size clothes I didn't think that a smaller shirt would fit (I did check after the race to see if I could get a smaller one but they were all out Oh Well)... .. #1 niece's hubby & kids are coming to watch us run, so we keep an eye out for them. #1 niece finally sees them and goes to them while I find a place to do my prerace stretching....We find each other again when I realize #1 nephew in law could hold my jacket, teeshirt & sunglass (it is warm & overcast so don't need them)... remember I parked as far away as I could possibly park and didn't have time to run to the truck.... so we part ways again while I go look for him and #1 niece goes to the port a potty.... I can't find him so tie the shirt & jacket around my waist and start looking for #1 niece. There are at least 300 peoples lined up for this race... The anouncement comes that the race is about to begin... I am in the middle pack looking for #1 niece when they call the race.... I look over to the side to see #1 niece walking toward the back of the race with the walkers....To late to call her I start out...
The race begins on a slight hill.... the worst part is trying to get around the walkers in with the runners in the pack... I start out pacing myself at a slow jog since I don't know the route and what is coming up... They did announce that the killer hill is on the downside of the race before we began....I run about a quarter of a mile before I get clear of everyone and can get my stride... The first mile was pretty easy... I did it in 8 mins 17 second (I'm thinking wow I'm actually going to beat my time if I keep this up)... but then the slight incline started and went on forever and I started to slow down ... I start thinking to myself "I'm not going to give in and walk until after I hit 2 miles no matter what"....I make it but my toe is starting to really hurt (oh yeah, I forgot to tell you that I went out with #2 niece Friday night and she accidently hit my sore toe with a pool cue stick so it is all swollen again) so I start to do my limping run and the last mile I do a run for a few mins, walk for a min, then run again.... except for that killer hill at the end that I had to walk up...but then half way up it I see #1 nephew in law on the side line so I untie by jacket & shirt and give it to them... my back is totally soaked with sweat, but taking them off felt like I took off pounds so I sprinted the rest of the way in to the finish line... My time was 33 mins & 33 sec... then I turned back and sprinted back to where #1 niece was... she was coming up that killer hill and hadn't walked any of the way... I am so proud of her, especially since she has never been a runner... I ran out of steam about that time and watched her sprint over the finish line, I think her time was 38 mins... WE DID IT....

We stayed for the awards ceremony... there was a 15 yr old boy that did it in 17 mins (impressive)...and while stretching after the race I talked with a really nice gal, we kept passing each other & encouraging each other during the race, I thought she would probably be in my age group, but come to find out she was in the next age group older than me but she was sooo fit...just like I want to be... in fact there where some really fit older women running. Any whooo imagine my surprise when they got to my age group and they called my name for second place... WoW.... I ran down and got my award thinking "WOW, I can't believe it"... and I still can't....

#1 niece took my picture later with the award and will post it here later...at least she's going to try ...
So here I sit with my award, my XL teeshirt (that is really tooo big for me) and a big smile on my face... I love it... I can't wait for the next race...

I have a secret!

I'll tell you my lil secret...shhhh don't tell anyone...

I weighed myself again this morning.... I know, I know, I'm supposed to wait until Saturday.. but I just wanted to see that number 172 again... so I get on the scale and damn if it didn't say 170.8... whooaaa... I go get my glasses to make sure I'm reading it right and get on the scale again and yep I did read it wrong...it says 170.6... all righty! I'll keep that number... I am sooo close to getting to 169... my tummy has butterflies in it...

It's not easy but cutting back on what I eat at night once I get home from the gym seems to be doing the trick... Damn I guess this proves tht ALL those little bites here & there do add up in the long run...because that is the only thing I've changed and I have lost 8 pounds since last month....
So this weekend it will be NO BLT's again... That means NO BITES of anything while I pack my cooler in the morning to go to the gym or on my run. I will wait until I eat my planned meal or snack to eat that bite. NO LICKING of the spoon or fork when I fix my dinner, I will rinse it off and put it in the dishwasher as soon as I am done with it. NO TASTING (a big one for me), I do not need to know how it taste while cooking especially since I've fixed the same recipes over & over again....
This is my plan for the weekend..
I CAN DO THIS..ONE DAY AT A TIME, ONE POUND AT A TIME!!!

Changing!!!!!

I love how easy it is to move this body of mine now.... I walk with a spring in my step... I can sleep on my side comfortably, I can climb a flight of stairs without holding onto the rail... I can run across the parking lot....I can dance with my 7 yr old Grandson.....the list goes on & on... All these things weren't possible when I weighed 200 plus... This is what it is all about... not just losing weight but changing... getting fit, being able to do things I only dreamed about before. People ask me what I am going to do to reward myself when I get to goal.... Hey...News Flash.. I'm already rewarding myself everyday just by being able to move this body.. When I lool into the mirror and not cringe at what I see. It's hard to believe how good I feel, not just mentally but physcially... Being Fat is Not Fun!!!

My original goal was to reach 149 pounds... that's a loss of 86 pounds...but I'm sure as I get closer to that number I will change it to even less... dreaming about weighing in the 130's now...but don't want to jinx myself .

A comment I read on Skwiggs blog got me to thinking, she was talking about the new BFL diet and how it's not geared for body training and in answering one of her comments these words struck me "totally change the shape of your body, opposed to just losing scale weight & becoming a smaller version of the same flabby shape" And I thought YEAH, that's what I have been trying to do... You see it's not just about losing weight, altho that I'm still going to lose this last 25 pounds, it's about getting my body in the shape I want, so I can do all of the things that I used to only dream about...
I believe I can do this and once I get to that TBS (total Body Satifaction) then I believe that I can stay there... I just have to do what I am doing now... eat healthy, drink lots of water, and exercise daily... It seems like such a simple thing to do...

Car diO Kickboxing

I went to cardio Kickboxing for the first time in about a month..and boy can I feel it in my legs today...
I've been using my toe as an excuse not to go... too much pivoting around on it(Evil Eva convinced me), but since I'm playing racquetball 4X's a week and running at the park on Sundays... I figured that I can't really use my toe as an excuse anymore and to get my butt in class... I really do enjoy being tortured for an hour (NOT)teheheh!!.I've been doing it for over a year now and I think I have got it down pretty good but last night was a killer. That's the problem with not going for awhile... It's hard to get back into it..

Any hooooo

The first thing I always do when I get into the class is figure where I am going to stand. This is very important!!. I definately don't want to be up in the front row...and have all those people behind me watching me...no way... and only beginners stand in the back row....so that leaves the 2nd & the 3rd row (this is a big class, standing room only)... so I opt for the 3rd row, that only leaves one row behind me...but over to the right side of the room so I can see and hear the instructor... Now you've got to understand that the front & sides of the room are covered with mirrors...these mirrors are weird, kind of like those mirrors in the fun house... sometimes I can look at myself in them and I look fine (especially my legs which are getting pretty darn fit)..... but then if I move just to the left or right a little bit I look like a beached whale...what gives with that?... so I have to find the perfect spot to stand so when I look in the mirror I will look good (and you have to look in the mirror to be sure you're doing what everyone else is doing)..... so anyway after moving around for about 5 mins I find my spot... The class starts with warm ups when I notice that the tag on my shirt is in the front....what the hell?... damn, how could I have put my shirt on backwards?....it's not like I get dressed in the dark... noooo... I get dressed in the dressing room with 30 other women looking at and talking to me.... anyway... I decided I don't want to go through an hour with my shirt on backwards so I take a quick look around me to see if anyone is watching me and I quickly pull my arms out and twist the thing around... doing this without missing a step...So what if my bare naked belly showed for a moment!! Damn I'm good.... Then I notice I've lost my spot and in the mirror is this big fat woman wearing the same workout clothes as me and even has the same hair... and to make things even worse, right in front of me is this skinny young thing that doesn't even work up a sweat doing all of this kicking so it makes me look even worse in the mirror... I think I hate her... sooo I look around for my spot again....Oh shit I should have know the instructor from Hell is going to work out legs tonight... I find my spot just about the time the she has us doing 4 kicks moving forward, 4 kicks moving back, 4 jumping jacks turning and then the whole thing again, moving around the room... lost my spot again!!!!! OK forget the Damn mirror and just move my ass.... I had decided before coming in to this class that I was going to work out my hardest... that means doing the little jump at the end of each move...and shuffling all the time instead of planting my feet.... man is it ever a good CAR DIO workout.. We are all working up a good bra soaking sweat (except that skinny young thing in front of me.... damn I still hate here) any hoooooo
I'm working out next to a guy who is sweating profusely, I mean it is pouring off from him by the buckets, floor is getting wet and everything... all of a sudden he shakes his head and damn if a big glob of sweat doesn't hit me...time to move over a little... looked in the mirror and I HAD found my Spot again... woooohoooo....Life is good...
Now you may ask Why do I put myself though this kind of torture? Because I can do it..When I think about how I was 2 years ago where I could hardly walk across a room without needing a break and couldn't even climb up 4 steps and now here I am doing a hour of KickAss Kickboxing and keeping up with the class... I feel proud of myself.. I may not be the best at it but damn I'm there and I'm doing it.

Dare to Dream!!!

What size do I truly want or dare to dream to be in? I've been thinking about this lately, especially since I bought those size 10 jeans.
When I started losing weight this time (2 years ago) I told myself that if I could just get to size 12 I would be happy....At 235 #s and size 22, I couldn't even imagine wearing size 12, it was a dream I don't think I truly thought I would ever see realized..I knew that when I went from 275 to 175 about 10 years ago that the smallest size I wore was size 18...and when I got married the first time in 1968 (oops, showing my age) I was in a size 12 and weighed in my 120's 130's...Which was an average size back then...So going by that I figured I would set my ultimate goal for 140's and size 12/14. Well now here I am at 173 pounds and I can wear size 10 pants, where does that leave me? Sure my goal is still to be in the 140's as far as my weight goes but I just can't get my mind wrapped around a number for what size I will eventually end up in... Now I know you are saying.... "Such a problem... Just go with it" but these things are important when you are focusing everything you've got on to reaching a goal.. I have to re-evaluate my Goals.... I mean after all I still have 24 #'s to lose and I've gone down 1 size just losing 5 #'s in the last month... So does that mean I'll be in size 6 or 4 when I reach goal?... If so I guess I had best start convincing myself that that is a possibility...I guess it's time to start dreaming!!!!

OH MY GAWD, OH MY GAWD!!!!!!

THE BIGGEST EVENT IN MY LIFE JUST HAPPENED and can I get ahold of anyone on the phone to tell them.... Shit NO... all I get is their damn voice mail.........

I just bought my first EVER pair of size 10 ( I say FRACKIN' SIZE 10) pair of Levi jeans....THIS IS BIG!!!! Not the type with the elastic waist but a pair with a zipper and a snap.....Am I standing on the chair dancing????.... you bet your ass I am!!!
God, I absolutely can't believe it!!! I went to Wallly world to buy a new pair of jeans because I saw myself in the mirror in the bathroom before I went to lunch and damn these pants are sooo baggy on me... size 14 so I decided to go and buy me a pair of size 12's....I find a pair of size 12 short low rise Levi's and take them to the dressing room.... praying that they will fit me, (I still have nightmares of when I used to try clothes on and get sooo disappointed because they were never big enough)....I get them on and damn if they aren't baggy in the butt, legs and the croutch... I'm thinking to myself "There is no freaking way I can get into a size 10, I won't be able to button them much less zip them up" but decided to go ahead a try one anyway... if they didn't fit I could always buy the size 12 (I'm telling myself that they don't look that bad but if I loose any more weight they will).... anyway I go get the size 10 (God I love saying that!!!!) and try them on.... dAmn, they pulled right up and look even the length is right.. man do they make my butt look good and look at those quads... tight .... woow... all I could think was "OH MY GAWD, OH MY GAWD I've got to call someone and tell them!" I'm almost hyperventaling by now.. I have the biggest smile on my face ..... I'm sure the sales lady thought I was on drugs or something... I don't think my feet were touching the floor... OH MY GAWD I'M IN FUCKIN' SIZE 10.........and just where the frackin' is everyone... I call the Kid, get her voice mail...#1 niece... voice mail... oh what to do.... come here... ya bet... I know ya'll will listen to me ....
Not bad for an ole lady who wore size 22 (and those were gettin tight) 2 years ago... Gawd, I might even see the single digit before I reach my goal... Oh gawd, quick Tie me down.... I think I'm going to pass out.....
Let me say it again I WEAR SIZE 10 LEVI'S...... OH MY GAWD!!!

Hodge Podge of thoughts today..

Spacey Lacey must be visiting today because I have soo many things going on in my mind that I can't settle down for one subject...sooo

ANNIVERSARY
Today would have been Lar's and my 15th wedding anniversary... Now we were together since 1980 but got married in 1990... We didn't want to rush into anything... LOL... For some reason I could never remember our anniversary date. His Mother would send up a card and then I would call the Kid to find out what the date was... It's funny about his Mother, she would never stay at our house until after we got married & I never got a card of any kind from her... then we got married and all of a sudden it was like... OK...tooo wierd... I always felt like Lar & I belonged together, whether we had a paper to say that we did or not... I'm doing all right as far as not being depressed today... it truly does get easier ... not that I don't miss him (I do more than words can say), just that I know that being depressed won't make it any better... soooo

On to other things..
WRINKLES & PUCKERS
I read an article today about how to keep from getting wrinkles & puckers in your face... Well, it's too late for me and I wasn't happy to see that my sucking all of my water through a straw for the past 10 years has led to these little wrinkles around my mouth... what gives with that? That is one of the main reasons I never took up smoking.... I've seen those women with the wrinkles due to smoking.... come on everyone knows that smoking causes wrinkles!!!! I've been so relaxed thinking I was doing all the right things so I won't look like my sister or my Mom, both are pretty wrinkly, and have just noticed lately that I'm getting "laugh lines" around my eyes and when I pucker up I've got these wrinkles around my mouth... (yeah, go ahead a laugh... picture me in the morning looking in the mirror and puckering up, practicing just in case I ever need to pucker up with someone)
Any way this article says that sucking through a straw is the same as sucking on a cigarette... and if you stop and think about... damn they're right... So now what do I do... everytime I grab my water bottle I have to think to my self "DON'T PUCKER"....

BIG FAT LIAR
I knew there was a reason I shouldn't of given my phone # to that guy the other night. He was suppose to meet me at the gym Monday night...Well needless to say He Didn't Show... I bet his name isn't even David and he doesn't even Play racquetball... Doesn't look like men have changed much in the last 25 years since I was on the dating scene... Have I learned my lesson? Probably not, especially since I'm planning on going to the same bar with #2 Niece this weekend.... If I see "DAVID" I think I'll just accidently stomp on his toes with my 4" heels..
I'm going to get my hair done on Saturday so I will be looking HOT, so if he is there, he can just Eat his Heart Out... because if there is one thing I won't tolerate it's A BIG FAT LIAR.
Well, glad I got that out of my system... yes, I do feel much better!!!

RUNNING 5K'S
I finally did it! I signed up for 2 (TWO) 5K races!!! I've actually sent in my registration & check so there is no turning back now.... It's something I've been wanting to do since I started running but wasn't convinced I could really run a 5K.... I talked #1 Niece into running with me on the 25th, that's just a little over a week from now... Hey, we get a TeeShirt if nothing else... Seriously, I think it will be fun and I need to do this so I can get myself in shape for running the 1/2 marathon which is my ultimate goal. I CAN DO THIS!!!

INXS
Last night we said goodbye to Sweet Suzy McNeal.. I really liked her, loved her voice, and was hoping against all odds that she would become the next lead singer...I really think She rocks!!! Oh well, that leaves MiG, Marty & JD. Next week INXS will pick the winner.. I like the way MiG looks, altho he is so damn skinny, he gets my heart started when he rips off his shirt. Marty looks like a ghoul, but it was way too cool to see him break up the guitar on stage last night (Talk about a Rocker) and I love his song "Trees".. Then there is JD... I don't see where the attraction is with him... he can sing (when he's not doing his Elvis impression) but I just don't like him... sooo saying that I imagine he will win..... Oh well, right now I'm not that crazy about any of them.. I think the group made a big mistake not picking Suzy...

I'm having a slight crisis today!!!

I just got a call from my old boss who is now in TN and he is offering me a job if I'll move to TN....
Right away I said "no Way can I leave my family or my house" but after talking with him... I just don't know.
I'm pretty sure the job I have now is on it's way to being eliminated... and it doesn't pay enough anyway... I've been having to pull monies out of my money mart for the past 6 months and I figure at the rate I'm going I will only have enough for the next 2 years and then I'll be flat asss broke....
But then again I don't really want to sell my house (it holds soo many memories and it is my dream house) and renting it scares me...you never know what kind of weirdo's you could get...
As far as my family goes, i would Only be 4 hrs (driving) away. But again I would be 4 hours away from them. That means no more Sunday morning runs with #1 Niece, no more going out with #2 Niece, not being able to see Grand Kids any time I want......and how can I leave the Kid (my daughter)......
Just THINKING about making this big of a change SCARES me to death...I like my life the way it is right now, but what if this move would make it better? Ohhhhh sooo many questions....I'm going to have to do some serious thinking here...More later when I quit spinning.....

I'm a control freak!!!

I think I've always been a control freak, as I'm sure my family will tell you. I love the feeling of being in Control, knowing that I am the one that is making sure things are getting done the way they are supposed to be. It's not something I really think about, it's just Me.

What made me think of that right now? There's this person on my eDiets group who is having a hard time with depression due to all of the things going on in the world (at at least that's what she says) so she has been eating to self medicate herself and has gained 10 pounds in the last month.. She says she can't stop herself...
What's this got to do with my being a control freak, you ask? I'm sitting here thinking "why does some things effect some people some ways and not others (in particular me!) ? Maybe it because I know although I can't control what happens in this world, such as Hurricanes in the Gulf or terrorists on 9/11 , I know that I can control how I react to it... I can control my eating. This I can do something about... I may not be able to control the price of gas, but I can control how I spend my free time so I exercise....I may not be able to control how other people eat but I can control what I eat..These are all things I have a choice in and I chose to stay in control and make the right choices....

So I'm thinking to myself "It may not be such a bad thing to be a Control Freak!!".

What WAS I Thinking????

Sooo I went out last night to a bar with #2 Niece. I was good and only had a couple of beers (light) before switching over to water.... The band was pretty good... they played lots of differant types of songs... I didn't dance because they had just waxed the dance floor and it was really slick and with the 4" heels I didn't want to end up on my butt ( I did walk carefully over it on the way to the bathroom)... Oh yeah, there was even a bar fight... now how much better can you get than that? Yep, I knew when I saw the 6 ft something, 325 pound guy with the mohawk hair that he would be looking for trouble and he didn't fail me... I didn't actually get to see the fight because I was busy giving my phone number to another guy at the time.... What was I Thinking?

I haven't done this (this being, making myself available for a "pick up") since I was in my 20's, so I'm a little out of practice on the bar games that people play... I know that's no excuse for losing my head but... he was nice and he does play racquetball... and he was taller than me (even in my 4" heels) I guess that counts for something, doesn't it? At least I didn't fall back on my old wild ways and go home with him after the bar closed... so maybe I am actually growing up or maybe staying sober keeps a person from making a total foool of themselves.
Seriously, I'm not sure why I did give him my number when he asked, I guess I just couldn't think of any reason why not to... at least not then... now I can think of a few.... And yes, he has already called me.. We are going to see each other Monday night... Am I scared?... you bet!!! But I'm also a little surprized that I'm not feeling guilty about not being faithful to Larry... True I don't really think anything will come of this, I think that once this guy sees me and he's sober, he'll run the other way as fast as he can....In my mind I still don't think that a "sane" guy would be interested in a "fat old chick" like me.. I really do need to work on my self esteem some more...
Will I go with #2 Niece again, well since it was my idea in the first place to go last night, I probably will go again.... I did meet some really interesting people, but it's weird, the ones I really enjoyed talking to were the one's that work out. Man, how I've change in the past couple of years.....
And more changes are on their way I'm sure!!!!!

I Am who I Am!!

I'm going out with #2 neice tonight and just got out of the shower, saw myself naked in the mirror
and Moanin' Mona started in "look at all those rolls of fat"...
Evil Eva chimes in with "why are we working soo hard every day to lose when we still look like shit naked? "
Sexy Sue tries to tell them "But we do look better than we did 2 years ago"
but they are having none of that.
Evil Eva butts in with "We are never going to look good even if we lose all that weight. "
Moanin' Mona cries "I don't like looking at the mirror. Plllleaaseee Don't make me look at that thing anymore"
"Yah, no matter what you do, you can't make a silk purse out of a cow's ear" Evil Eva chants.
"Now just wait a damn minute" yells Sexy Sue" I'm not going to listen to you two tonight. I'm going out and I'm going to have fun. I'm going to wear my new black pants, size 12 not size 22, and I'm going to wear my 4" heels, which I love, and don't forget that new top that shows off my shoulders. Now you may think that we look fat, but I don't care. I know that we look better than we used too. And besides that I AM WHO I AM. I'm not trying to be a model or even keep up with all those girls, who by the way are a lot younger than me, at the gym. So be quiet, I don't want to hear from you two again."

So in the quiet I get to thinking about two differant conversations I had at the gym this morning. The first on was with Jennifer, now she is in her 30's probably weighs about 120 and works out 4 to 5 times a week. She was telling me about how she needs to lose the fat around her middle (I don't see it but she still says it's there) , this while we are doing abs... I think to myself that I would give anything to look like she does, but still she isn't happy with herself...

Then later in the locker room I was talking with Tanya, now let me tell you about Tanya. She is in her 30's and weighs about 325 lbs, her daughter comes with her to the gym to help her put on her shoes because she can't bend over that far, but she still comes to the gym 3 times a week for water areobics. She has lost 75 pounds so far. Our conversation was how good it feels to be able to move around with out all that extra weight. She knows she still has a long way to go in losing weight but she also knows if she doesn't take off more weight she won't be around to see her daughter grow up. I think about how brave she is to come to the gym where there are so many fit people. She told me this morning that the first day she came there so was soo afraid of what people would think but then I started a conversation with her and her daughter and it made her feel she belonged in the gym... I'm glad she felt that way, but she also helped me because I know if I don't keep watching what I eat and keep working out, I will be back up to that 235 plus weight and I too will have trouble getting my shoes on...

So any way this gets me to thinking that can be like Jennifer and never be satisfied with what I see in the mirror or I can be like Tanya and be happy that I am not where I was two years ago.. that doesn't mean that I'm going to listen to Evil Eva and quit trying to get TBS (Total Body Satisfaction) just that I'm not going to beat myself up over the fact that I don't have the perfect body. So no matter what I see in the mirror, I know that I look better today than I did two years ago... and two years from now I may not be beautiful but I will look better than I do today.

oooohhh lala

I love my 4" heels!!!! This is the first day that I have been able to wear them since I hurt my toe 2 weeks ago....
You have got to see these shoes to believe me when I say that they are sooo cute and sexy... at least they make me feel sexy...They are black leather sandal with a 4" heel (not stilleto but not real thick either) there are 6 metal studs running along the side and a leather cut out flower on the top with a thin ankle strap.... Now does that sound tooo coool..... believe me when I say they are... I don't remember where I got them at but if I ever see any that look close to this style you can bet I'll be buying them...
For sooo many years I haven't been able to wear high heels because when you weigh 235 plus it's hard to balance on your feet flat much less on heels...ROTFLMAO
Back in the late 70's I use to wear platform shoes... and if I remember right I used to fall off from them regularly, especially after a few drinks.... bbhhhhaaahahahahahha.. I feel pretty darn steady in these shoes, must be all the core exercising I have been doing....
Today I'm feeling pretty darn good, thanks to the shoes and the flirty skirt I'm wearing...

Double Monday

Well here it is "Double Monday" the Tuesday after a holiday...

Why is it that after a three day weekend, it seems that the first day back to work is always such a long day??? I feel that I have been here in this office for hours & hours.... and here it is only 11:30 am... I keep looking at the clock thinking that it must be time for lunch... I'm sooo starved (my tummy is even growlin")... I ate my banana early (at 8:30) and now all I can think about is my lunch that is packed and waiting for me in the truck... Now there is a reason I leave it out in the truck... I have tried to bring it in the office with me but I "sneak" eat all morning and by lunch time there's nothing left... soooo I have learned the hard way that it stays in the truck.... Now the question I have to ask myself is who I'm "sneaking" the food from... I have always been a "sneak" eater.. I think I get it from my Mom... I remember as a kid that she would buy choc covered cherries and hide them from us. Who can blame her, with 4 kids who were always hungry, a box of chocolates would have lasted ooohhhh about 2 seconds.... I still hide food from Myself, like in the freezer or way on the top shelf in the cupboard, thinking that if I make it inacessable that I won't break down and eat it... wait ... why buy it if I'm not going to eat it?
This past weekend I gave into Evil Eva and bought that jar of peanut butter, sure it is Natual Peanut Butter with no sugar added but you know it still has lots of calories... I kept sneaking a teaspoon here and a teaspoon there all weekend and damn if the jar isn't almost gone...Not good... and I wonder why the scale was up 2 pounds this morning... Well, no more peanut butter for me.... This is definately a TRIGGER FOOD for me...I wonder why I crave the texture and taste of peanut butter so much? I can go a couple of weeks without it and then Wham all of a sudden that's all that I can think about... eating peanuts doesn't do it for me or anything with peanuts in them either.... nooo it has to be Creamy peanut Butter....and if I add a teaspoon of honey to it , it is even better.... oh no ... confession time coming.... Yep I have given up sugar, but am still sneaking that honey into my life... Now how bad can Honey be for you?

Ok I really have to get me a little notebook that fits in my purse so I can journal EVERY single bite I put in my mouth... No more telling my self that since it's just one little bite it can't hurt anything... yeah we know where that gets you.... with an empty peanut butter jar.... No more telling myself that since I ate such a healthy dinner (my fav spagetti squash w veggies & tofu in a ginger/sesame sauce) that I deserve a little taste of peanut butter... in fact now that I think of it I could have just added the peanut butter to the mix... it might have been good....hmmmm
I'm not saying there is anything wrong with Peanut butter... just in the amount that I eat.. I have found that you can overeat anything... .even stuff that is good for you... so since it is a trigger food, I will make sure I don't buy anymore until I can control it....

Reflections

Today is Sunday!!! I've decided not to go to the gym or to run at the park today and give my toe a chance to heal a little (it is still swollen and hurting like the dickens today) but I have to tell you it is hard...

With the price of gas what it is, I'm just staying home today.... Never a good thing for me. Gives me too much time to reflect and also to haunt my kitchen looking for something to eat to soothe me.... I call it mindless eating, something Evil Eva is convinced that I need in those times that I am by myself....
Oh yeah, the Yard Sale is a bust... I made a whole $7 yesterday and so far today no one has stopped by... I really didn't have that much to sale and I have never had any luck at these things... I don't know why I do it... but it at least gave me a chance to clean out a few things around the house...the only problem with that is seeing alot of this stuff reminds me of Lar...Opps it seems like Moanin' Mona is in full control today....

Lord how I miss that man today.... I miss him everyday but it seems like when I'm home and not doing anything I miss him even more.....I wish sooo much that he could see me now that I have lost soo much weight.....of course it was impossible for me to commit myself to eating right & exercising like I have for the past two years with him around (or at least that is what Evil Eva had convinced me of)... He did love to eat (and I did enjoy cooking for him) and I loved spending time with him just sitting around or going for a ride in his car with him, just being with him... Probably a day like today we would have gotten into the car and gone for a nice long ride together...even when he got so sick and couldn't drive and I quit my job to stay with him, we would load him up in the van and just drive around, nowhere in particular just where ever, and he would tell me the same old stories about growing up in No. Dakota (I loved hearing them) or we would just talk about what we would do if we won the lottery... it didn't matter what we talked about (and Lord that man loved to talk), what mattered was we were together....I guess I am lucky that I have sooo many memories of our time together, 23 years of them, but days like today, it just doesn't seem long enough. I know that life goes on for me and I am doing soo many things that I never had thought I would do, which is good by the way, but I never thought there was anything wrong with my life with Lar, it was what I wanted... but now I have to find a new life, with maybe a little break now and then to remember what it used to be like... I guess it will get easier, it is easier than it was a year ago, and maybe a year from now it will be even easier....It doesn't serve any purpose to sit around and feel sorry for myself (or at least that what I keep trying to convince Moanin' Mona).
The good thing is I have plans for tomorrow so all I have to do is get through today.... I've just decided that as soon as it cools off today, I will go mow the lawn and not wait for tomorrow like I had planned. In my mind I can see Lar sitting on the veranda watching me. And I'll pack up all of the junk I didn't sell and figure out what to do with it for now...That will give me something to do besides sitting around and feeling sorry for myself. I really do hate these "pity Parties" that Evil Eva & Moanin' Mona just love having. Well it's not going on any longer today. It's okay being reflective but it's not okay being remorseful. And on that Positive thought I will leave you for today...

It's a junkie world I live in!!!

Yay!!! It's Friday and we have a long weekend ahead...
Stayed up until 12:30 last night reading a book and then woke up at 3 am and couldn't go back to sleep.... Finally after tossing & turning for a hour, I got up and cleaned my bedroom. That took a whole 15 mins...did a load of laundry, then went in and cleaned the kitchen (another 15 mins). Decided to go through the cupboards and pull out what I don't & won't ever use again to sell at the yard sale I'm going to have this weekend...

Yard sales!!!! God how I hate them. My Mom & sisters love them. I think that gene missed me (thank God) because I would rather buy new junk than buy junk that people are trying to get rid of (unless it books). I need some monies right now and am tired of having all this junk around so I decided that I will have one last yard sale. The last one I had was after Lar died and my Mom was here. Didn't sell too much shit. I think I probably made 40-60 dollars total. It's weird what stuff did sale. Shit I would never have thought would sell did and the stuff I thought was good stuff didn't sale... goes to show how much I know...I think Mom priced everything too high. I've taken lessons from the son in law since and I'm going to do like he did and basically just give everything away. He made boo ku amount of monies at his yard sale this past spring... I was amazed...
Anyway I'm going to try to sell my bike (I want a new one that my feet can touch the ground).. I've been hesitant about selling this one since Lar did buy it for me... but if I'm not going to use it, why keep it? Also found my AB Roller in storage, forgot I had it and will never use it so maybe I can find some other fool who thinks it will work...

In the past I have tended to be a pack rat, but am trying to change that now too. For one thing, if something were to happen to me, I wouldn't want the Kids to have to deal with getting stuck with all this junk... so I have been slowly but surely paring down everything to only what I really want to keep...
For instance why would I keep a oversized skillet (and I mean really really big) when I only cook for myself now (if I cook...love the microwave!!!).. and who needs 30 differant sized cups/mugs (a favorite thing people always bought Lar for his b'day or xmas)? I have a coffee urn, creamer & sugar bowl with cows on it and I don't even drink coffee... what's with that? ...
The only thing I really have trouble getting rid of is books... I have thousands of them ..... I have 12 bookcases filled to the max and then there are the boxes of books in storage and in the attic that I don't tell people about... I really have to do something about them.
The only thing I don't have to sell is clothes, I have gotten rid of all my 2X, 1X and extra large clothing as I have lost weight.. I do still have a box or two of Lar's clothes but don't think I'm ready to sell them at a yardsale.. Need to take them to the same place I took all my other clothes. I still have a favorite sweatshirt of his that I wear sometimes at night... since he was such a big guy it goes to my knees now and make me feel small and to think 2 years ago it fit me.....

The scale is my Friend today

Usually I hate weighing myself... tooo many years of seeing those numbers over 200... but this morning I decided that I needed a little push in keeping me from eating too much. Sooo I thought "let me weigh myself and see if I'm still at 174 or if I've gained" So after going to the potty (pee does weigh alot right) and stripping down to my bare naked body, I stepped on the scale.....and lo and behold it said 173... whoa.... that's just to scary... you see this past week I have been eating more...still eating healthy just larger amounts... and I haven't been exercising as much and I've changed the way I've been exercising... I didn't do Cardio Kickboxing on Tuesday but did do the life cycle & worked out with the weights a little, but didn't feel like I really pushed myself to my max like I would have if I had done the kickboxing. Then last night instead of playing 2 hrs racquetball, I did the life cycle again (for only 30 mins) and did some back & leg workout... again did not feel that I pushed myself as hard as I could have, in fact I went with lower weights than I usually do and spent alot of time yacking it up with other gym rats.... sooo what the Frack....(again with the new fav word). Now what do I do... do I keep changing up my exercise and eating more calories than I was or do I go back to my schedule of before injury?????
Tonight is my night to run 30 mins (I might try for more) on the treadmill then do triceps/biceps, some bench presses (if I can find someone to spot me) and some serious abs/oblique work... Thursday night is always my serious work out night... no visiting with all of my gym friends...

I booked my flight for my trip to Newark NJ in October today. Thought I had best get my reservations before the gas thing goes totally crazy and the prices goes even higher. I'm going up there to meet some people I've been posting on eDiets with.... I've already met one couple last month in Gatlinburg TN and they have met the other couple. We are all getting together for a day hike and then to see some of the country up there since I have never been in NJ/NY area. It should be a blast and I'm looking sooo forward to it..

Oh yeah... about the results of INXS last night... I guess in my subconsious mind I knew that Ty was going to get the axe... I didn't even put him in the picture.... I was disappointed that he had to blame it on the race thing. Face it he just didn't fit in with INXS's style of music... that's not saying he wasn't good just that he didn't fit in.
I hope Jordis does better next week.. I thought she was real weak last night and was surprized that they didn't let her go.... I still would buy her CD if and when she gets one... like I said I love her voice...