Reflections

Today is Sunday!!! I've decided not to go to the gym or to run at the park today and give my toe a chance to heal a little (it is still swollen and hurting like the dickens today) but I have to tell you it is hard...

With the price of gas what it is, I'm just staying home today.... Never a good thing for me. Gives me too much time to reflect and also to haunt my kitchen looking for something to eat to soothe me.... I call it mindless eating, something Evil Eva is convinced that I need in those times that I am by myself....
Oh yeah, the Yard Sale is a bust... I made a whole $7 yesterday and so far today no one has stopped by... I really didn't have that much to sale and I have never had any luck at these things... I don't know why I do it... but it at least gave me a chance to clean out a few things around the house...the only problem with that is seeing alot of this stuff reminds me of Lar...Opps it seems like Moanin' Mona is in full control today....

Lord how I miss that man today.... I miss him everyday but it seems like when I'm home and not doing anything I miss him even more.....I wish sooo much that he could see me now that I have lost soo much weight.....of course it was impossible for me to commit myself to eating right & exercising like I have for the past two years with him around (or at least that is what Evil Eva had convinced me of)... He did love to eat (and I did enjoy cooking for him) and I loved spending time with him just sitting around or going for a ride in his car with him, just being with him... Probably a day like today we would have gotten into the car and gone for a nice long ride together...even when he got so sick and couldn't drive and I quit my job to stay with him, we would load him up in the van and just drive around, nowhere in particular just where ever, and he would tell me the same old stories about growing up in No. Dakota (I loved hearing them) or we would just talk about what we would do if we won the lottery... it didn't matter what we talked about (and Lord that man loved to talk), what mattered was we were together....I guess I am lucky that I have sooo many memories of our time together, 23 years of them, but days like today, it just doesn't seem long enough. I know that life goes on for me and I am doing soo many things that I never had thought I would do, which is good by the way, but I never thought there was anything wrong with my life with Lar, it was what I wanted... but now I have to find a new life, with maybe a little break now and then to remember what it used to be like... I guess it will get easier, it is easier than it was a year ago, and maybe a year from now it will be even easier....It doesn't serve any purpose to sit around and feel sorry for myself (or at least that what I keep trying to convince Moanin' Mona).
The good thing is I have plans for tomorrow so all I have to do is get through today.... I've just decided that as soon as it cools off today, I will go mow the lawn and not wait for tomorrow like I had planned. In my mind I can see Lar sitting on the veranda watching me. And I'll pack up all of the junk I didn't sell and figure out what to do with it for now...That will give me something to do besides sitting around and feeling sorry for myself. I really do hate these "pity Parties" that Evil Eva & Moanin' Mona just love having. Well it's not going on any longer today. It's okay being reflective but it's not okay being remorseful. And on that Positive thought I will leave you for today...