Risk

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool,
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental,
To reach out for another is to risk involvement,
To expose our feelings is to risk exposing our true self,
To place your ideas and dreams before the crowd is to risk loss,
To love is to risk not being loved in return,
To live is to risk dying,
To hope is to risk despair'
To try at all is to risk failure.

But risk we must, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
The man, the woman who risks nothing, does nothing, is nothing.
*******************************

A freind of mine posted this on eDiets today and it hit me that I'm just not up to taking any "Risks" right now... That's probably one of the main reasons I dropped out of match.com..."To love is to risk not being loved in return". It's easier just to risk nothing...to take no chances of being hurt or to risk failure...

I've had this ache in my heart for days now...I know what it is...it's missing Larry..I also know that I can't fill this emptiness by eating or just wallowing in sorrow...that I need to take care of myself because this wiill pass and life will go on...I will be strong enough to take Risks ...but just not today. I just have to get thro the next couple of weeks.

I'm going to SC tommorrow to see Con..he's a freind that reminds me soo much of Larry and when I get to where I can't stand missing him anymore, I go to see Con and he makes it all better... Con has started to working out at the gym and we're going to do a 5k saturday morning. Altho we talk everyday on the phone, I can't wait to hear his laughter in real life..to see him smile and just to be with him...
Oh yeah, Con is happily married and I really like his wife so there isn't anything sexual in our relationship..just really good Freinds...that's what I truly need right now...

Match.com

I just cancelled my subscription to Match.com...In the last 3 months I have recieved emails from 4 differant guys but nothing has ever come of them and alot of rejections..I don't know if it's just me or the guys out there are looking for something I'm not. I've come to the conclusion it's just not worth putting myself thru the ups & downs of trying to find someone on line. I'm not at a point in my life where I handle rejection easy...I take it too personal...I know tht I have alot to offer someone out there.. Hey, I'm not only sexy (in my own way) but I think I'm fun...at least that's what Lar always said. And I WILL NOT let this experience make me think otherwise....

I guess if there is someone out there for me it will happen...probably when I least expect it...in the mean time I'm just going to go on with my life and enjoy myself.

OWWWWWeeeeeeeeee

So Saturday I decided that since I haven't done a really good leg workout in a couple of months that I really needed one...especially since I was thinking about going and getting my tattoo finished and I knew if would be a couple of weeks before I could get in another good leg workout...Soooo since we didn't get a court for racquetball on Sat. morning like usual...I did my 20 mins stretching then 45 mins on the eliptical, did a full set of Abs ..3 sets of 20 crunches, 4 sets of 20 standing knee lifts on the tower, 3 sets of 20 ea leg of crossovers...then went to legs...4 sets of 25 calf raises at 110#s, 3 sets of 25 abductors @110#s, 4 sets of 14 leg lifts @ 45#s (this is one of the hardest ones for me because of my knee), 3 sets of 15 sitting leg sleds @90#s, 3 sets of 15 laying leg sleds @ 215#s...3 sets of 20 squats...then ended it up with lunges around the room....by the time I got done my legs were like jelly...so I treated myself with the hot tub (wearing my new tankini). And Yes I went and got the dates put on the tattoo...I'm more satisfied with it now!!!
Yesterday when I woke up my legs were sore...I definately could tell I had worked them out...but went to the park anyway (by myself) and ran/walked the 6 miles around the lake...I say ran/walk because by the time I got to the half way point I was walking...I probably only ran about total of 5 miles and walked 1 mile...my legs did loosen up a little but I sure could feel them...After stretching I got into the truck and drove home...Went to get out of the truck and felt like an old lady....I knew I was in trouble....I went in the house and sat on the couch and read my book (BIG mistake). By afternoon I was even more stoved up...but got my butt off the couch and went outside and put pine straw around some of the trees and in the one island that needed it (you would have laughed if you could have seen me...I'm sure I looked like I was 100 years old.)..I broke down last night before going to bed and took some Motrin...Now you have to understand I HATE taking pain meds...but was hoping that it would help some of the stiffness today...NO SUCH Luck...I knew the third day is when you feel it the most...and Yes..I can barely get my bottom to sit on the toilet...luckily my chair here at the desk is raised as far up as possible so I don't have to go down far when I sit...Let's not even talk about walking...Owwww...
And I have racquetball tonight...I sure hope I can loosen up a little with stretching...

So what is the moral of my little story...I need to do leg work more often so I don't have to go thru this pain....of course I tell myself this everytime...

YES, I'm in!!!!

I just checked my bank account on line and see that my check for the P'tree Road Race has been cashed...That means I am difinately Running the Race on July 4th...
WOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOO.......Picture me standing on my chair dancing!!!!

I pretty much figured I was before since I got my entry mailed in early on Saturday but you never know what could happen...I don't like taking those type of things for granted... How Good does this feel? ALL RIGHT!!!

Random Ramblings

Food...I used to love Kashi Brown Sugar & Maple instant oatmeal but then switched over to the Kashi hot cereal (still microwavable but not instant) cinnamon/walnut flavor...the texture of the hot cereal is nice and lumpy and it's not sweet, my ripe banana's taste great in it..I don't use any kind of milk (rice or otherwise) in it because I like my cereal thick (and lumpy)...Well for some reason this past weekend while grocery I picked up the Brown Sugar & maple oatmeal...and I'm not happy about it...altho it only takes 1 min to microwave vs the 2 mins the other takes, it's WAY to creamy and SWEET...and my banana just doesn't taste right in it.. This is the only way I can eat banana that aren't totally fresh. I love banana almost green, any black spots on them I use to throw them away until I found that I like them in the cereal.Why don't I just go buy the cereal I want? Because that's not how I work..I bought this cereal and i WILL eat it all before I buy the kind I really like. 2 more packages left....

Tattoo...Now that my tattoo is pretty much healed I've decided that I'm not happy with it...
The color pink is too faded, I really wanted something that pops and the heart is too big and looks empty...Sooooo...I'm going back to DAVE and see if he can put 1980-2003 in the heart, this is the years that Lar & I were together...and also see what he can do about the color...I called the other day and was told that he could put the dates in for a mere $50 more...that's for setting up the needles & ink.. I still have to check about the color...but in the long run I think it will be worth it...

Work...I know I never talk about work...but just want to vent a little... Just got notice yesterday that inventory is due on Monday...So I get to count all the lil whichmacallits in my back room, which we call warehouse..I should be in there doing it right now but I keep putting it off... I know I will get it completed but something in me is rebelling...

Men I've been emailing this guy who seems really nice from one of the singles sites I'm on...Well this morning I recieved an email telling me that he is getting back with his x-wife...It seems they saw each other this past weekend for his daughter's birthday and decided that they want to try it again...I guess I'm happy for him but Damn...why go on a singles site looking for someone if you're not serious....or maybe this is just an excuse not to take our relationship? any further...if that's it..why not just tell me he's not interested..I've had a few like that lately and believe it or not I GOT OVER IT....

Good News I stood on the scale this morning. I've been afraid too because I thought I would see that dreaded 170 or more...but I'm at 168..not as good as when I was at 167 (and I do wish it was less)but I'll take it for now...I really try not to get on the scale & weigh myself often but it is a way of getting me on track if I'm not on Plan as much as I want to be...It's like the thing has a life of it's own...I'm just glad I don't have one that has a voice LOL....

Cafe La Vaca

My freind Kim from the gym, that I play racquetball with sometimes, wants to be a comedian so she has been doing these free gigs around town...I told her if she ever did one close by to let me know and I would come see her...Tuesday night she tells me that she got one at the Cafe La Vaca...only about 15 mins away from the gym and would be there on Wednesday night.
So last night I went to the gym, worked out, then cleaned up to go watch her...I figured since this was a "Cafe" I could maybe get something to eat....
This is how my night went....

First off I get there about 8:45 pm (the comedy acts were to start at 9 pm) and there is maybe 3 or 4 cars in the parking lot...I figured ok maybe people wait till 9 to come so I go on inside...first thing I see is a pool table with a couple of guys playing (one with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth) and one guy standing watching, then the bar with a man,a woman & a little girl about 6 years old with her puppy (cute but in a Cafe?) sitting at it, a bar maid behind, mexican music is being played..everyone in the place is Spanish/Mexican.
The place is divided in two..the first part of the room is the bar & pool table then past that you can see an area with a stage with tables & chairs below it around a dance floor..It's really is a nice place.
Anyhooo, I go up to the guy standing and ask him if there is a comedy act tonight...he says "SI". I then ask if they serve food..he agains says "SI...Mexican food". I figure there's got to be something on the menu I can eat, especially since I haven't eaten since Lunch...so I go to the bar and the guy says something to the barmaid and she gives me a menu...It's in Spanish!!!! I figure I can make out most of what's on it and settle for a quesadilla...hoping for a veggie one...I see one word that I don't know so I ask what it is...the barmaid, shakes her head, goes over to the couple that are on the other side of the bar, talks to them, then comes back to me and points to her tongue and says the word...OK, I'm not interested in eating a tongue quesadilla, so I ask her if there is anything NOT meat on the menu...she points to something on the menu ...I ask her, "isn't that chicken?" she says "SI, Chicken". Ok the last time I checked Chicken was MEAT..so much for eating...so I give her back the menu and ask for a glass of Zinfadel Wine...I saw it on the menu so know that they have it..she gives me this questionable look and I point to the menu and she nods and pulls out this bottle of wine...I smile and say "Yep, that's it" she grabs a 6 0z PLASTIC cup fills it about half way, puts a STRAW in it and gives it to me and says "Five Dollars Please"....I kid you not!!!! Well since I plan on only having one drink anyway I didn't argue...
Meanwhile people are finally coming into the place and going over to the stage area, the music has changed to rap..I'm comfortable with that because of my Hip Hop class..but then I begin to notice something here...all the people coming in are Black...Ok, My friend Kim (the reason I'm here) wallks in about that time...oh yeah, she's black also...we hug...and I walk over to this table with her of 4 Black women, Kim introduces me...I pull up a chair and join them.... The first comedian comes on, he makes the usual black jokes. I'm actually having a good time...Then he looks straight at our table (we are right out front of the stage) and says something about having Barbara Bush in the crowd tonight...I look around and realize I am the ONLY White person in the crowd....so he must mean me...The jokes go on about me, I'm ok with that because I think it's funny and am having a good time...Then he starts to ask everyone where they are from, most everyone is from New York...He looks at me and I'm thinking oh boy here it goes...I say Wyoming....Now you have to understand that here in Georgia most people don't even realize there is a state of Wyoming..Well this leads to more jokes and for the rest of the night I am known only as Wyoming...There were 2 other comedians before Kim and they all had their fun at my expense (I laughed so hard at one time I almost peed my pants). Kim was the last act and she only had 7 mins. I wish I could say she was funny...she was alright but you could tell by the crowd that she was a big let down...but what the heck, she's just starting and I think she will get better with time.. After she got off, I hugged everyone good bye, especially the first comedian Kenny...he said he thought I was great and hoped he didn't offend me...I said no way..if I had been offended I would have just got up and walked out...All in all, I did have a good time...TOO MUCH FUN..

obsessing...

So why do I obsess over getting this eating under control so much...

1. Like Joan I have this FEAR that I will wake up one morning and weigh over 200 pounds again...I know this is possible because it has happened to me before...I got down to 170 and then went back up to 235.....and it didn't take all that long...I AM NOT GOING TO LET THAT HAPPEN AGAIN...
I know that I have to keep aware of exactly where I am and what I am doing...

2. I know that I am doing all I can in the exercise department...I feel good about myself there and really don't think I can improve on that much but I also know that unless I get the eating under control all the hard work I do at exercising is for naught...

3. I hate not being in control....yep I know I'm a control Freak...but that's just ME...

4. I know that I look alot better than I did 2 years ago...but I also know that I can still look even BETTER...and I REALLY WANT THAT....
I want to feel good about myself ALL OF THE TIME....

5. and besides I don't know how to STOP OBSESSING....anyone got any suggestions?

P'tree Road Race....

Yep, Saturday I mailed my registration form for the P'tree Road Race here in Atlanta on July 4th ...this is a BIG event here..and I've been wanting to do it for a LONG time (dreamed of it for years & years) but have always talked myself out of it...It seem unthinkable for me to to think I could actually run this race...but now I'm thinking...It's just a 10K, why the big hoop a la? ...Just because 50 thousand people run it and you have to get your registration form in right away so you can get accepted, why should I get SO excited about it...Because I know I CAN do it...NO DOUBT about it!!!
WhooooHOOOOO I Rock today!!!!
P.S. Keep your fingers crossed that my form is one of the 50K that is accepted....

How do I get it back?

I've been trying to get back that determination I had when I first started this journey into weight loss....It seems like it's been elusive for the past year and I just can't seem to find it. Maybe it's still there and it's just became such a part of me that I don't even realize it.

I remember the First day I walked into the gym, my mind made up that I was going to change my life and NOTHING was going to stop me...I had a PLAN and damn it felt good..I felt so powerful..I knew I could do this..I want that feeling back.

Well it will be 3 years in June and I'm still on the plan (more or less) at least as far as exercising goes....and I have changed my eating habits (more or less) but I really was hoping I would be further along in the weight loss...In fact I really was hoping to be at goal by now... I've been struggling with this last 20 pounds for what seems forever to me...It's like I'm determined NOT to reach it...I keep sabatoging myself mentally and physicallly... and I'm Sick to death of it....It's not motivation I need, It's that Determination to get where I want to be that I Need & Want back...I just wish I knew HOW to get it back?

I know all the little tricks to use (I've been at this a long time)to motivate...they work for about a day or so.....What I need is to get that Determination back that NO MaTTER What I Can do this...

Two things happened this past week that has gotten me thinking...

#1. I watched Prime Time last week and it was about this group of overweight people (5 women & 1 man) who agreed to have their pictures taken in 2 piece swim wear and if they didn't lose 15 pounds in 2 months these pictues would be shown on National TV...they were not given any diets or told how to lose the 15 pounds just that if they didn't lose it the pictures would be televised...Only one person didn't lose 15 pounds but she did lose 13 pounds...I felt that she was at a disavantage from the start because she didn't have as much to lose at the rest of the group (which IMHO each could have averaged at least 50-100 pounds overweight). I felt that she probably only had 20 pounds that she need to lose, which in my mind shows that it's definately easier to lose weight when you have alot of it to lose. BTW they didn't show her picture...they said they only wanted to prove that the THREAT was enough to make a person follow through..I think they proved their point pretty good...
Would I ever do this....go on National TV? Probabaly not....but it was interesting...

#2. A freind that I haven't seen for at least 6-8 months came into the gym on Saturday...K & I used to work out with the same trainer...She had gone from a size 16 to a size 10 using a cruise for her motivation...She stopped coming to the gym and now is starting back because she has gained all of her weight back plus...She is about the same height & built as me and to me she looked so puffy and heavy...She told me that her size 16's are getting too tight and that she hoping to get back into working out...Her Hubby and her are now on this diet where they deliver the food you are going to eat to your house...and they are going on another cruise in Novemer so she wants to get back down in her weight by then...(Why do I feel that she is doomed to play this over & over?) Just looking at her i thought to myself that she must weigh more than me because there is no way I look that heavy...but she got on the scale and lo & behold she weighs 6 pounds less than me....yet here I am wearing my size 10 pants...I guess all the weight training I've kept up has helped me...In some perverse way this made me feel good but then I thought to myself that this just reinforces me to know that there is NO Freakin' Way I can ever let up on exercising...and that I have to get my eating under control...or I will be just like K and back at where I was 3 years ago.... And no Way do I ever want that to happen...
So I will keep struggling and maybe someday eating the way I know I should be will be just like my exercising....Something I can't imagine not doing any other way...

The color Green

Happy St. Patty's Day...
I always think of Larry on this day (not that I don't think of him everyday, just that it seems he fills my every thought today)....For some reason this was his favorite holiday...He would wake up with this big smile on his face, twinkle in his eye and you would just know he was in a mischevious mood....I remember the first year we were together I woke up and he was wearing the green lamp shade on his head...nothing else just the lamp shade...Oh we had sooo much fun that morning...

Lar found out when he was a teenager that he was adopted and his real father's last name was Donahue...a big Irish guy his mother had met when she was young...He never found out what happened to his real father...but he seem to think that this gave him a special in on St. Patrick's Day....

I would make Corned Beef/Cabbage & corn bread. He had a favorite green shirt that he wore forever, until it became a rag...he was like that... Good memories!!!

Life is sooo differant for me now...I got up this morning and was all dressed before I remembered I needed to wear green today...I have absolutely NOTHING green in my closet...Oh I have alot of blues, blacks & PINKS but no greens...so I went to my drawers looking for a t'shirt...again same thing NO GREEN...I finally remembered that I had a workout shirt that I don't wear alot and it's a lime Green...luckily this is casual day so I'm wearing it...
I will go to the gym tonight and play racquetball then go home ....fun for me but not too exciting...I've always thought it would be fun to go to Savannah GA for the BIG party they have there but not this year...maybe some time in the future...

EGGS!!!!!!!

As all my Family will be quick to point out, I have a thing about eggs...I'm not crazy about them to eat (I eat them scrambled or boiled occasionally but NEVER fried)..but it's like a security thing with me...I have to have them in my fridge or I go totally bonkers....It's weird but even tho it's only me and they might last me for months, I buy eggs by the 18 count carton and always like to have at least 6 eggs on hand. I can be out of anything else and not get panicky but let me get down in the egg department and I start to hyperventilate.

I remember one time right after we first got together Lar gave our last 2 eggs to the neighbor and I went balistic on him.... I had to go immediately to the store and buy eggs (believe me...it was the last time he ever did that)...now I had no plan on using them but just having them in the house comforts me...I know I will never starve as long as I have eggs...

Now starving must be something I worry about alot in the back of my mind...don't know why because there is ALWAYS something to eat in my house...true it may not be exactly what I want to eat but as long as I have eggs I know I can make SOMETHING and I won't have to go hungry.

There have been times in my life that I have gone hungry...I remember as a child being hungry alot. My Mom did her best but we had some hard times (we existed on rabbits one winter and to this day neither one of my sisters will eat rabbit). And then there was the months when I was married to the Kid's dad and he got hurt on the job and was out of work for awhile and we existed on beans (I still like beans)...So I don't know if this is part of why I find comfort in food...Some part of me must think that as long as I have LOTS OF FOOD then I am prospering. And why EGGS, I don't know...It's just how I am!!!

I realize I have a thing about Food...and this probably is a good part of the reason I have been overwieght for so many years..but isn't that true with most overweight people... I don't know if I really want to analyze it all that close...

But the one good thing I have learned in the last two years is that IT DOESN'T HURT ME TO GO A LITTLE HUNGRY...I WILL SURVIVE IT...just as long as I have eggs in the fridge...LOL....

How Long can I go?

My Refrigerator looked sooo empty this morning....I'm running out of all my favorite foods at home and I'm trying to figure out if I can wait till Saturday or Sunday to go to the store. I really hate going during the week...After all this is the Big Excitement of the Weekend for me going to WalMart to shop...LOL...

I am now out of banana's and Kashi Hot Cereal my usual 9:30am breakfast. For breakfast this morning I had a Cliff Carrot Cake bar (not the best choice but I still have one left for tomorrow if needed)and for lunch today I packed a Spinach salad using the last of the strawberries & Walnuts,..still have some Blue Cheese crumbles left (those go a long ways) but am running low on the raspberry vingette...Since I don't have any more whole wheat wraps left to make a turkey/spinach wrap I'm not sure what I will have for lunch tomorrow. I have one apple (I bought 2 at Publix's the other day) and one ounce of almonds left for my 5 o'clock snack before going to the gym today. It's my late night with Hip Hop class so won't get out of the gym until after 9 PM and altho WalMart is open 24 hrs..and I don't usually mind going in the middle of the night (less rug rats) I really really don't want to go tonight.
I find my self tempted to see just how long I CAN go without going to the store...I'm sure there is something in the house that I could eat instead of the same ole foods I tend to bring....
Inventory of refrigerator (using my memory from when I was in it this morning)....
Red grapes (about a cup full) left over from last week...not too appetizing looking but still not moldy...
1/2 yellow squash...
2 Kiwi's
6 clemetines
1 small head of cabbage
1/4 red onion
1 sweet potato
pineapple - cored & peeled last week...about 1/2 cup left
eggs (6) I use 1 egg white in my protein drink each morning
3/4 bottle of wine
3 bottles of Arizona Diet Blueberry Green Tea Drink
3 string cheese
1/4 pkg of thin sliced turkey (enough for one wrap, if I had a whole wheat wrap)
fresh Spinach (1/2 bunch waiting to be cleaned & spun)
the usual condiments, pickles & jellies
no fat sour cream (small container)
Blue Cheese Crumbles (about 1/2 container)
Rice Milk

I tend to like my veggies & fruit FRESH. I find that if I buy to much I end up throwing it away because after a couple of days in my fridge I don't feel it is FRESH..ie..the grapes & pinapple...same thing goes for banana's, I like them almost green..if they get any brown spots on them I can only eat them in my cereal...

well after going thro this list I see that I can make it another day and maybe even 2.
For Dinner tonight I will have the sweet potato & pinapple and a garden veggie burger with sliced kiwi for dessert .
For lunch tomorrow I will have another spinach salad using the turkey, a hard boiled egg, red onion and blue cheese crumbles...Clememtine for desert...5 o'clock snack will be the rest of the raw summer squash (sliced) with a little nf sour cream mixed with ranch dressing and a piece of string cheese..
Hey i can do this...Not bad for not going to the store and doing my usual weekly shopping last weekend..

Are we having fun yet?

I am boooorrrreeeeddddd today...For some reason work has been slow this week..I've checked out everyone's blogs this morning and hardly no one has updated (the only one on my list that has is #1 Niece, she always gives me a good laugh)...I finished my filing, invoiced what I could...talked to my techs and my boss in TN and now I'm thinking about Lunch...I still have 45 mins... I am bored with what I usually have for lunch...so didn't make lunch this morning, besides I didn't go food shopping this past weekend so I am out of all the good stuff..like apples, avocados & sweet peas...these are staples in my diet for everyday...I do still have one banana left...so I'm thinking I can go another day without food shopping...I decided this morning when I didn't pack a lunch that if it's not raining by lunch time I will walk over to SubWays and get me a Turkey Wrap...I've been wanting one since Saturday when I was at WalMart. They have a SubWay in the store so I figured I would get a wrap..checked out their veggies...and saw that they even had spinach (my favorite food and not all SubWays have it with their veggies)so ordered a Turkey Wrap...I knew I was in trouble right away when the boy behind the counter looked confused, left the area and was gone for a few minutes...He came back, whispered something to the girl that was helping another customer...they both went in the back...finally he comes out and tells me they don't have any wraps....Ok now I'm thinking to myself...we are in WalMarts...they have a whole bunch of Wraps over in the deli...why doesn't he just go over there and gets some...I mentioned it to him...he went back over to the girl (I figured she must be a manager for the day)and asks her...she shakes her head no...so I left without my turkey wrap because I don't like alot of bread...So anyhooo...I'm thinking I will put on my runnin' shoes (I have them packed in my bag for the gym tonight)and take a walk over and get me one for lunch...I might even go to the Publix's next to it and grap me some fruit for dessert...too bad they don't carry the sugar snap peas I like...
I've been sooo bad about my eating lately but now that I'm all out of peanut butter (my biggest downfall) I WILL NOT BE BUYING ANYMORE UNTIL I CAN CONTROL MYSELF EATING IT....just how I'm going to do that I'm not quite sure yet..since everything I've tried so far hasn't worked...but never fear i will not give up...there has to be a way that I can get control of myself and how I eat...not so much what I eat but how much and when...One thing that is helping this week, is every time I look at my tattoo (and I have to do that a few times a day to put this ointment on), I see the roll of fat around my middle that I really want to get rid of...and I know that no matter how much exercise I do..IF I don't get control of my eating I will never lose it all...So when I get tempted to eat something I know isn't in my calorie range I just tell MYSELF "glue that shit onto your rolls of fat because that's where it's going to go anyway"...is this motivation or What?
well so much for my ramblin's on for today..hopefully I will get busy this afternoon...

My Mom

I've been sitting here thinking about my Mom today... You see I got a phone call from my sister Linda(#1 Nieces Mom) yesterday from Wyoming... It seems that Mom had an accident in her car in the parking lot after she dropped Linda off at work. Linda said it gave her quite a scare when she saw Mom walk into the restrurant looking confused. She was wondering where her glasses where...Linda walked out to the parking lot with her to find them and saw Mom's car wrecked into a parked truck...Mom didn't remember what happened but said her chest hurt... Linda called my Brother Willy and he took her to the hospital where they did all kinds of tests...all of them came out alright..they figure the seat belt caused her some discomfort...thank goodness for the seat belt or she would have gone through the windshield. The police & Willy figure she must have hit a patch of ice in the parking lot and lost control of the car. I talked with Mom on the phone last night and she seemed alright just kind of shook up.
Mom is in her late 70's and lives in an senior citizens center. She has always been very independent. She brought us four kids up all on her own in the 50's & 60's. Not an easy thing, especially since I was such a trouble maker... We haven't always seen eye to eye on things (Big laugh here)....but she was there for me when my son died in 1978 and again when Larry died...She has been a care taker for my cousin (who died of cancer) my aunt Clara and her friend Alice (who both died at home)...I think it takes a strong & caring person to be with people you love while they die...And we (being my siblings & I)joke that she will be there when we are nearing the end and Mom agrees with us...but in the last year I've come to realize she is only human and she won't be with us forever...this frankly scares me to death...I want to SCREAM like a child..."No, No, No...My Mom can't ever die and she will NEVER grow OLD...She has to be here FOREVER". Realistically I know that can't be...But I'm not sure she even knows that...In our conversation last night she was complaining that she isn't getting her 3 miles of walking in anymore each day...that she just feels tired all of the time..but then in the next breath she tells me she isn't ever going to get old..
It's really hard being so far away from my Family and not being able to see them but once a year (not that I would EVER move back to Wyoming). I know that I need to take a trip to Colorado to see Lar's Mom (she's in her 80's and not doing good) and I need to spend some time with My Mom...but I keep putting it off..like if I don't see how both of them have aged in the last couple of years first hand then it's not really happening...Not good...When did I become such a chicken?
I still ache from losing Larry...How would I handle it if something were to happen to Mom? Yeah I know life goes on but maybe I can put it off just a little longer...

Blogging

I got a call from one of my techs today and he asked me what I was doing. I told him I was "Blogging"...he said "I've heard of that but Just what is Blogging?" I told him it's very addictive and it's someplace to go to put down your thoughts and others can come read and comment on it if they want. This got me to thinking about why I really started this blog altho I'm not really a writer (there are so many out there that do such a better job than me at writing)....and why I go lurking on others (which I spend more time than I should doing but I enjoy it sooo damn much). I think it's about not being alone, even if it is just seeing the words on the screen...getting the thoughts organized and out of my mind onto the screen sometimes makes it all seem so much more real...I have sooo many thoughts running thro my mind at one time that sometimes it's hard to know what I really am thinking...Just like now ...It's not like I think what I have to say is all that important...but more so that I do have these thoughts and they mean something to me... I can go back and reread some of the things I've written and say to myself...Yeah, I remember feeling or doing that..

Sometimes I wish I could be smart,witty or funny like some of the blogs I read..but face it I am ME and this Blog is MINE and I'm not in competition here so I can just rattle on if I want.

My GREAT Day!!!!

Let me tell you about my GREAT day today....You know it had to be good if I'm here on the weekend...right?
anyhoooo

It started off this morning waking up to sunshine...lovely sunshine...puts you in a good mood right away...I was at the gym by 9 am, played some racquetball, then worked out for 1 1/2 hrs on my back & chest..worked up a great sweat...then I took a nice hot soak in the hot tub, got in the pool (ya'll know I'm scared to death of water) and actually did some runs from the 3 ft to the 4 1/2 ft in the water (got a great leg work out)...ran into some friends who talked me into the sauna for awhile while we caught up on gossip...the latest of their naughtyness (they're great buds of EE)...after I left the gym..I decided to stop off at a WalMart that I don't normally go to, needed to see if the had this spray I use to tame the frizzies (for my hair guys..) they didn't but I spotted the swim suit that I've been wanting (a tankini) and they had it in my size...whoooohhooooo...so I only ended up spending $25 instead of the $98 on the suit that I saw at Victoria Secrets...and I like this one alot better, it really looks good on me...
When I got home I got a call from Sears to let me know that my Lawn Mower was ready and since it was now about 81 degrees out (eat your hearts out guys) I decided to go get it today (it was in Athens which is about 40 mins drive north of me) instead of waiting till tomorrow...On my way I noticed that the Tattoo place that I saw last Sunday on my way to Athens was open so I thought I would just stop in and see what it would cost me to get the tattoo that I've been wanting FOREVER..and to see if these guys could understand just what I wanted....Well, I met Dave...super coool guy who immediately got what I wanted, he told me the price..$150..about what i expected but didn't want to spend that much right now...so went on my way to Athens, picked up the lawn mower, came home and mowed the lawn...decided to check my mail (I only check it maybe once a week) and lo and behold I had a bonus check of $200 from my work....Well I went in and took a shower, put on my low rise black capri pants and a really cute pink & black shirt and drove myself back to the Tatoo parlor...yep that's right...I am now the proud owner of my First Tattoo...and I freakin' love it...It's a one of a kind...since Dave drew it specially for me (he told me that it's rare to meet someone who likes originals..I told him I drove a pink truck..he loved it)...It's a memorial tattoo for Larry....A vibrant pink (of course) heart with blue flames coming out of the top and Jones scripted underneath the heart...It is riding on my right hip...It hurt a little getting it, surpringly more on the fatty tissue above the hip bone.(mostly burns).but it wasn't that bad...in fact I've already picked out my next one...one for Evil Eva...it's a lil devil heart...but that will have to wait for awhile, maybe a reward when I actually reach my goal....

Slimbolala

I've added Slimbolala to my Links. He doesn't have anything to do with weight loss but I find that I enjoy his writing.
He has a great sense of humor and I love his stories and his pictures.

This morning I checked out his Sept & Oct postings because I knew that he lived in New Orleans...If you have a few minutes check it out...verry rivioting, especially the pictures of the devastation...I can't say enough good things about this guy...The world needs more like him.

Fat Acceptance

I found a new blog today it's called Big Fat Blog and it's for fat people... They say they have over 1500 members...From what i read there it's about being accepted for yourself not for your weight. To quote "Size is a simple description of our appearance, not who we are!"
...Being overweight for so many years I agree with this, I do agree that an obese person has the same rights as an average weight person...such as being able to fly on an airplane without being penalized..go for rides at a theme park,etc...but I don't agree that an overweight person should accept being overweight...
For too many years I kidded myself that it didn't matter that I was Obese..I gave a good show that it didn't matter to me that I was bigger than anyone in my family or any of my friends but ALWAYS in my mind I felt that I had less rights BECAUSE I couldn't control my weight. I used all of the excuses...you know them.."All I have to do is look at food and I gain", "I work hard so I deserve this treat" (one of my favorites)"I can't afford to go to a gym and workout", "My husband doesn't like healthy foods and I have to eat what he eats", "Healthy foods are too expensive" "I don't have time to exercise"...in fact what I was saying is "I'm not important enough to myself to get fit and healthy". I was a caretaker of everyone else but myself..and I was miserable for it...and thought I deserved to be miserable...
Now when I see Obese people, especially those that say they accept being fat, I just want to shake my head and say "You don't have to ACCEPT it, with work and time you can be what you really want to be, and believe me NO ONE wants to be FAT (it feels so good to be able to do the things I used to only dream about)...I think I still have respect for WHO they are and not What they are but just want them to TRULY feel good about themselves. I guess I'm like an ex-smoker..I want everyone to feel as good about themselves as I do about myself because I know I'm healthier now that I've lost over 60 pounds.

I know that I am still aways from my goal and to some I am STILL considered FAT...but I WILL NEVER AGAIN ACCEPT THAT I HAVE TO BE FAT....

Countdown?

Tomorrow it will be one month before my B'day...
At the first of the year I set a goal to be down to 159 by then...but now I don't see that happening...I'm at 167 and with only 4 weeks left that means I would have to lose 2 pounds a week..I know that doesn't seem like alot but face it for me to lose one pound a week is a big struggle...at least while I'm trying to lower by body fat...
I think if I was only interested in losing the 8 pounds I could do it by upping my cardio and cutting back on my protein and calories...and I did actually consider this but I'm sooo afraid of losing muscle instead of fat...sooo I think if I can get anywhere between 160 and 165 by my birthday I will be satisfied...At least that means that I am still working at it...
I have to keep reminding myself that this isn't a race to see how fast I can lose but is a way of life for me (THIS IS FOREVER FOR ME)..I'm not in competition with anyone..I just don't want to be fat anymore...
Last night I was at #1 Niece's watching The Boy and lil Mini-Meme while she & Jack went to the Queen Concert and had a conversation with The Boy, who is a very bright 8 year old, about how much weight I've lost and why I want to lose more...and as we were wrestling on the floor together I realized just how far I have come in the last couple of years...and how I look forward to where I will be in the next year or so...I don't see me EVER getting so heavy that I can't play around with the kids...I might get to "old" but I plan on being one of those "old" ladies that are very fit... BTW I really had fun with the kids...I even gave up my workout at the gym to spend the time with them and it was well worth it...I figure I can make up my workout during the rest of the week...Kids have a habit of growing up too fast and I treasure every moment that I do get to spend with them...

I figure I did get some workout last night...

Lifting Mini-MeMe over my head and doing presses
Doing squats while The Boy sat on my shoulders (he tells me he weighs 75 lbs), couldn't do lunges tho..not enough balance

Turning kids upside down on their heads and holding them in the air...They loved this one, especially when I did both at the same time...

Sitting on the floor with The Boy on shoulders again (he liked it up there for some reason) and bending over as far as I could...This is harder than you would think...

I did say no to chasing around the house to get cardio...Aren't you proud of me?
Can you tell we had fun?

AFFIRMATIONS TO REMEMBER

1. I am not the Numbers on the scale.

2. When I’m 100%, giving it my all, I am unstoppable

3. I will be proud of my strengths and nurture them.

4. I will remember that Negative thoughts will NEVER help me; they can only hurt me.

5. Remaining Optimistic will help me experience joy and live the life I want.

6. I will be patient in steadily working toward my goal, remembering that all good comes in time.

7. I will take one step at a time. That is how I will reach my goal of being healthy & fit.

8. I will resist anything that takes me off my chosen path to be the healthiest and fittest that I can be.

9. I will be content to be simply myself and not compare or compete with others.

10. I am not in control of others, but I am in control of myself and how I chose to live.

11. I am naturally beautiful when I am myself.

12. I will allow myself to believe that I am beautiful.

13. I will let go of the need to prove myself to others.

14. I will not let my expectations distort my experience.

15. I will believe that I deserve to be fit & healthy.

16. Self-Love is my birthright.

17. I will be proud of myself for all I have accomplished no matter how small or great.

18. I choose to make the best of what I have. I am brave, I will survive.

19. I will take the time to see myself being happy.

20. I will not feel guilty for caring for myself.

21. Every choice I make will teach me something and whenever I learn something, there is success not failure.

22. I am free to be all that I can be.

23. I will keep working at reaching my goal, no matter what. I am almost there.

24. I will not give up.

25. I will live my life the way I want to be remembered.

One Step at a Time

I ran my 2nd 10K race yesterday...There were alot more people my age at this race so I didn't place but that didn't matter to me...What did is that I did better my time..from 1:07:35 to 1:01:34 that's 6 mins better... I guess I can consider myself a "runner" now..

It's funny (NOT) that I have absolutely no confindence in myself...before every race i think to myself that there is no way I can run that far be it aa 5K or a 10K. I almost convince myself not to even try...This time I just kept reminding myself that I ran that far 2 weeks ago and I survived...that once I started the race I would be fine and that it was only a hour out of my life...to take it one step at a time...just to push myself as much as I could...and as soon as I started running I KNEW that this is something I can do...I'm not saying it was easy....my knees hurt and by the end of the race I was having to walk/run the last quarter of mile...and the race ended in a slight incline (I hate inclines, they hurt my knees sooo much) but I finished running not walking...

I had picked my person to "rabbit"...she looked about my age and had a nice long braid in the back so I knew I could keep her in sight...She pretty much stayed ahead of me all the way...Came in about 40 second ahead of me and at the end of the race I went and talked to her...she was 52 and has been racing for quite awhile...she was also very encouraging...told me I did great... I thanked her..

I was thinking this morning about how my thoughts about losing this weight are a lot like my racing... I keep telling myself (listening to Evil Eva) how hard this is and that I can't do it... but then I tell myself...Hell, Sue not only can you do it ....YOU'VE FREAKIN' HAVE DONE IT....I look at myself in the mirror and see a totally differant person...not only in looks but in the way I feel then I was 3 years ago...and who says it has to stop here... I just need to take it one step at a time and before you know I'll be here telling ya'll that I've made it...

I was done to 167 this week...every pound lost is one more step in the right direction...

Booty Call

I read an article yesterday about "Booty Call"...Now I didn't really know what this was about so I checked it out and have decided that I really don't see anything wrong with this...in fact it sounds just like what I need...

For those of you who are uneducated (such as i was until I read this article) Booty Call is when two people go at it for sexual enjoyment only...no attatchments...a one night stand for sex only...

It seems that you can be acquaintants and when you feel the need you can just call up this other person and say.."Are you busy tonight?" if they say no...then you say "can I come over" they say yes...you take the trip over to their place...go at it...leave and go on with your life...until one of you gets the need again...

Now this sounds perfect for my way of life...I wouldn't have to give up any of my time at the gym or if I'm busy on the weekends I wouldn't have to change my plans for some guy...Just get that lil itch taken care of....you know for when the vibarator/masterbation just doesn't do it for ya....

What I really want to know is How the heck do I meet this guy?

The only trouble I find is I think I've gotten pickier since I've gotten older...don't get me wrong I'm all for "free Sex" (as we used to call it in the 60's)and was VERY active before I met Lar without a second thought...but now I would want to make sure that no one gets hurt with this process...I would want someone I know is safe (no diseases) and preferably someone who doesn't have sex with a lot of other women (no player) so I will know that he stays safe. It would help if he was good looking but not totally necessary since I only have to see him once in awhile... But then I get to thinking...it's been a long time for me since I've had sex with a "normal" guy (remember Lar was in a wheelchair) and what happens if I get it and really like it and want it all of the time? hmmmm...OK OK I'm not going to obsess over this...but damn it sure is fun thinking about it....and if the chance was to come up I truly think I would do it...

Tight ABS..

I know this sounds bad...but I love the way my abs feel when I pull my shoulders back and stand straight...sure I still have some fat covering them but damn they feel tight...
When I look down at myself as I sit here...I can actually see how tight they are...toooo coool.... All that AB workout everyday at the gym is starting to work...
I try to change out my ab workout each day so I'm not doing the same exercise and I don't do a lot of reps. I try to get in 3 differant ab exercises doing 3 sets of 20 reps...
Last night while I was doing the hanging knee lifts on the tower I had one of the muscleheads go by and give me the thumbs up...
In fact it was one of those nights where it seemed like everyone was watching me do my weights...Tues nights is the night I really push myself (working my upper body)....I must have had at least 6 people come over and talk to me...Now usually I don't mind visiting a little (as long as I can keep working out) but on Tues nights I really focus so I usually don't visit..most of my friends at the gym know this so they usually just say a quick hi and then go on their way..which is fine with me...the people that wanted to talk last night I have never talked too..so I didn't want to be rude...so I tried to be quick with my answers...Most of them tell me that they see me in the gym all of the time and are impressed that I work out so hard...which is fine and it does make me feel good...but gee...I really want to just get this last set in...
I usually run on the treadmill for my cardio on Tues night but didn't last night because my butt muscle that I pulled on Saturday was still tender and I decided to give it one more day of rest...(knowing that I'm not playing racquetball tonight and can make it up then) so I actually got out of the gym early enough to get home in time to watch all of American Idol...I should have stayed at the gym...it wasn't good...in fact I would say boring...at least I got my laundry done while watching it... I sure hope the guys are better tonight...
I did buy my new running shoes on Saturday... They are great (more later on them)...I'm trying to break them in so I won't have any trouble running in them on Saturday when I do my next 10K.. sooo anyhooo..I did a 1 mile run at lunch today and will run the 3 miles tonight on the treadmill....I'm hoping with all this running that this fat around my middle will start to melt off...
I'm feeling really good about how I look today...No more Evil Eva or Moanin' Mona...I caught a glance of myself in the mirror today and did a double take...I'm really liking how my body is looking(especially my legs)..too bad it doesn't show up that way in pictures so I can share...but not going there...