Pride Or Conceit?

This morning as I was getting ready for work I looked in the mirror and said to MYSELF...
"Damn, girl you look hot today"...then this lil voice (Evil Eva) said to me "Don't be conceited"...
It took some of the wind out of my sail...then I thought why listen to that voice..I like feeling like I look good...it seems all my life just when I am starting to feel good about how I look someone has told me not to be conceited...I remember as a kid my Mom telling me that anytime I would say I was "cute too". In truth she probably only said it once or twice to me but for some reason it seems like more and it made me very insecure about the way I look...making me wonder if what I see in the mirror is really what everyone else sees...as an adult I've had to contend with Evil Eva (my own insecurities) telling me that no one likes a conceited person... But I ask you this IS it really conceit or it is Pride in how I look ....and is it really sooo bad?

So any way when I got to work this morning I looked up the words Conceit & Pride in the Webster Dictionary and it said:
Conceit - 1. an overdeveloped opinion of ones abilities, personality or worth.
Pride - 1. A sense of one's own proper value or dignity..
sooo where does that leave me?

And talk about coincidence....When I checked my emails this morning there was a newsletter from eDiets and lo & behold there was an article on this very subject...(funny how things work like that)
"10 Things to Help develop a Sense of Pride"..it talked about the differences between Pride & Conceit...not a bad article..

Of the 10 things listed Six of the them I pretty much do or at least try to do each day.. I've changed the order of them to what is most important to me...

1. "Beware of your Inner Voice...If all you hear is negativity, then all you'll get is negativity."
I'm a firm believer in the more you tell yourself you can do something, the more you'll be able to do it...so maybe if I keep telling myself that I look good (and not listen to Evil Eva), I will start to believe it truly...Fake it til you make it is my motto.

2. Do Something everyday for yourself because you are worth it...besides the obvious of going to the gym...I like to do any of the following...take a walk, read a book, paint my nails, call a friend, buy a candle or flowers for myself.

3. "Gather evidence of Successes. Instead of looking at things you haven't been able to accomplish on your to do list- look at the ones you have been able to do- Keep mementos of accomplishments where you can see them."
Ok Done that...my awards & trophies on my 5K's & 10K's that I have placed in is on the wall and on the top of the stand in my entryway at home...I also have my postcard picture of me at the finish line on the P'tree Road Race on my wall here at work...this encourages me to know that I can do what I used to think was impossible...And yes I am very PROUD of them and MYSELF for what I have accomplished this past year...

4. " Surround yourself with enthusiam. Make it a point to be around people who pump up your self esteem and try to stay away form those who bring you down"...
This one is easy for me...When I go to the gym I am surrounded by people who encourage me daily...and my family..#1 Niece, #2 Niece & The Kid are very encouraging... Even Bubba told me last night that I look Skinnier....is he not the greatest Grandson alive....

5. "Keep your compliments. Don't break off or negate compliments sent your way. Say thank you and accept the praise." This one is hard for me but I'm learning. Usually when some one compliments me that lil voice (Evil Eva) will tell me not to get a big head or be conceited sounding so I will say something like "I still have a lot of weight to lose" when someone says that I'm looking good...or "I've had this thing forever" when someone compliments me on what I'm wearing...But I read an article not to long ago that says when you do this you are telling the person that complimented you what they say doesn't count and that discourages them on complimenting... and since I am a great one for complimenting people on things that I really like and I mean it when I compliment someone what makes me think that someone complimenting me doesn't have the same feelings.... so now I make an effort to smile and thank that person...and if they are complimenting me on something I wear..I will usually say .."Oh yeah, this is one of my favorite things too"...it's not that hard to do IF I don't listen to "Evil Eva" (back to #1 on the list)

And last but not least
6. "Respect your Mistakes. Instead of dwelling on your past faults- learn from them and use them to your advantage by trying a different approach the next time."
Still working on this one...

What this all really has to do with whether I'm conceited or just proud I'm not sure but I thought it was worth writing here...

I am SOOO Damn Clueless!!!!!

I just finally went online and checked out the "Club" that Lionel told me about....
NO FREAKIN' WAY!!!!

I'm soooo glad that I didn't give him my number....
This club is for "Swingers" damn...I didn't know they still had them.... I guess that just goes to show that I've been out of circulation way to long....
What a Weirdo....or maybe I Am.....

Now I'm wondering if I'm putting out signs that I'm that type of woman...ok maybe I was once upon a time , a long time ago...but come on guys...I'm not that type of girl anymore!!!!!!

I can't believe I was that Naive....oh slap me in the head....I've got to get a real life here!!!!
This could be funny if it happened to someone else...NOT!!!!

so much for the good feeling...now I just feel dirty...Yech.....

THIS IS THE GOD'S TRUTH...THIS REALLY HAPPENED TO ME!!!!!

Monday night after work I'm walking to my truck (I always park at the far end of the parking lot) and I see this guy on a motorcycle looking at me go by on the road next to our parking lot...all of a sudden he turns the bike around and heads for me..I figure he needs directions..this seem to happen to me a lot, people asking directions...so I stop and wait for him...

He pulls up and says "You are soo Hot I had to turn around and come talk to you...Are you single and do you like younger guys?"
Well....I of course get this big smile on my face...meanwhile he's getting off the bike and he is a hunk...around 6'2" probably weighs around 200, built just like I like them ...lots of muscle...be still my heart...he then takes off his helmet and I see he is REALLY young...good looking as all get out.... but YOUNG...I can't seem to get the smile off my face...
He says "I love the way you look in that skirt...you are soooo SEXY" (I'm wearing my black flirty skirt that I love with a cranberry top and my 4" heels. First day I got to wear my heels since I twisted my ankle hiking, and yeah I did feel sexy and I was probably walking like I felt sexy...it's hard not to do when I'm wearing my heels).
He puts his hand out and says "I'm Lionel" I shake his hand...(he has a really nice handshake)
I finally find my tongue (I think I swallowed it for a minute when he got off his bike...ohhhhh)
and I said "I'm Sue and Yes, I AM single and of course I like younger guys, what woman in her right mind won't.... but just how young are you?"

He smiles back at me and says "28" (OMG...28!)

I laugh and tell him "I have children older than you"
He laughes back and say "But I'm not your child" (NO KIDDING) "

I'm having a hard time believing this is really happening and I really can't take it serious so...I asked him"Why me? Do you know how old I am?"
He says "Probably in your early 40's"
I laugh and tell him "I'm 56, that's twice your age"
He says "Even better!!!...you look really fit (FIT?) and I think you are one sexy lady"....
We talked for 15 mins or so ...he wanted to know what I was doing next.. I told him I was on my way to the gym to play racquetball.. He asked if I ever go to "clubs" and told me about one he goes to in Atlanta every Friday night and said that if I won't go with him, I should at least go check it out...(That's not going to happen!!!).
We finally said our goodbyes (and no I didn't give him my number, I can't seem to get over the age differance) he said he was going to be dreaming of me at night...I knew I would be dreaming of him, I might not even wait for night...LOL...

Even after 2 days I can't seem to get over the fact that some young STUD (a good looking one at that, one that could have any girl that he wanted) would want to be with ME....This would never have happened to me a few years ago...Talk about giving a girl's ego a really big boost...wooohooo...I'm still smiling just thinking about it...

I'm not sure what's going on with these young guys anymore.. I'm on myspace.com and have my picture posted and I get more guys in their late 20's early 30's emailing me than I do guys my own age...And they all tell me they are serious...that they find older women sooo much more interesting than girls their own age...It's kind of scary!!!! but also kind of gives me a thrill ...

Altho I'm finding there are also alot of guys out there too (online) that like large women...I've ran into some of them but don't respond because DAMMIT.... I don't consider myself one of those Large women any longer....I'm Fit, Lionel said so!!!!

What was I thinking?

Let me just state this for the record ....YES, I AM A PROUD PARENT...

Yesterday The Kid was looking at my site on myspace and she noticed that on my profile under Details for Children I had put that "I don't want kids" Needless to say this set her off...she told me that now she REALLY knows how I feel about her (her feelings were hurt)...

Now first off I have to tell you that I really hate filling out these things (I kind of Zone out while filling them) and they always ask things that don't relate to me....And I'm just plain NO good at it....

I had 6 choices to chose from : the 1st one being "I don't want Kids" the 2nd "Someday" 3rd "Undecided" 4th "Love kids, but not for me" 5th "Proud Parent" and the last "No answer"....
Why they put "Proud Parent" near the bottom is a mystery to me...it should have been the first to choose from... I'm not sure why I chose the 1st one..I was probably thinking I didn't want to go out with a guy who wanted to have more kids....I'm way tooo old for that...
I figure once you have had the perfect child you don't want to tempt the gods by trying for more (buttering up to The Kid here LOL). Just my luck the next child would be just like me...OH NO!!!

I really lucked out having The Kid, she was not only the most beautiful child in the world (I have pictures to prove this, maybe someday I'll post them) but the best natured too...(altho #1 Niece will probably tell you some stories about her otherwise) and YES I've always been PROUD of her..even when she gave me trouble when she was a teenager I was still so Proud to be her MOM...

I'm not sure she was always proud of me. I used to worry alot about her being ashamed of the way I looked and acted...but now I think I understand that it isn't all about looks, its' about how you feel about a person and how that person feels about you... The Kid could have been the most deformed child in the world (thank god she isn't) and I would still be proud of her.. She is the best daughter a Mother could ever ask for... She has been and will always be there for me when I need her..and ditto for me...

I'm proud of the Mother that she has become to Bubba & Lil Bit. I'm proud of how she embraces life and doesn't let anything keep her down (at least not for long, after all she is only human)... She is dealing with some rough times right now with her ex but I know she will do what is right for Bubba and stay true to herself...

As a PROUD Mother let me tell you that daughters don't come any better than MINE!!!

Shopping!

No, I'm not shopping for clothes..but I'm thinking about going camping with the Alanta Outdoor Adventures group over the Labor Day weekend...but before I can do this I have to buy a sleeping bag (I need one for the Zoo overnight thing anyway) and a tent...now I thought that this would be no problem. That maybe I could even just go to WallyWorld and pick one up..Well, think again..They do have sleeping bags and tents but whoa...they are all soooo heavy....
Nothing is easy in this day and age...
Part of the problem is I'm thinking if I really like this camping thing and I get fit enuff that maybe by next summer I can start backpacking (a dream of mine forever)...so if i'm going to spend any monies on a tent and sleeping bag then I want them to be light enuff so I can carry them next summer...

So I went on line to Bass Pro to see what they had to offer...Who knew there was soo much to know about buying a tent... or a sleeping bag... So after reading all this I thought I should check around some other sites to see what they have to offer..(trying to be an informed consumer here LOL)

I think I've narrowed it down on what I want at REI Outlet.. This tent or even this one and I really like this sleeping bag ...but I'm hesitating on ordering them because I want to see what I'm buying BEFORE I buy it...I know freinds tell me that when I buy on line that if I don't like it or it isn't what I want then I can send it back...but with me..once I have something I KEEP it, even if it's not what I want...I'm just no good at sending things back!!!!!

So my plan is to find a store that has the same items so I can see them and then go back on line and buy them...or now that I have all this knowledge on what I'm looking for I might just find a sale..this might be more fun shopping for than going to Ross's (which I haven't done in over 2 months....pat on the back for me) ...

Now that's what I call an adventure!!!!!

I got up early this morning to meet up with the new group for the hike today...
Only 8 people showed up..6 women and 2 men...Bruce our leader said that 18 had signed up and by 8 oclock yesterday 6 of the men had cancelled for one reason or the other...we had 4 no shows this morning...so it was a very small group that got into 3 vehicles and headed North to Walhalla SC. I rode with 2 other women, Cindy (in her 40's) who hikes with my other group (the FunHikes) and Dana (in her 20's) this was her first time hiking with any group..they were both nice. We had a nice time getting aquainted on the 2 hr drive to the trail (Dana drove)...
When we got to the trail, everyone (but me) sprayed down with bug spray and we headed out on our 4 hr hike (LOL) unaware of how much of adventure it would turn out to be...
The first part of the hike went smooth, we hiked about 2 miles to a waterfall. It was really beautiful...We took a 15-20 min break there and then we headed back up the trail to go to some rapids and another waterfall...
We had been hiking for about another hour and as will happen we had split up into 2 groups. Bruce, David, Cindy & I were about 200 feet ahead of the other 4 (Dana, Michelle, Dusty & Karen)...when all of a sudden we heard screaming...we rushed back to see what the matter was...all of the girls were screaming and beating on themselves...They had disturbed a nest of Yellow Jackets and were covered with them...we got them up the trail and all the yellow jackets off and were treating them for multiple stings ...We were discussing how we were going to have to come back that way after we got to the waterfall..so Karen decided to mark the trail so we would know where it was by putting a big rock on an old log...well, when she did this she disturbed another nest of Yellow Jackets...altho this swarm wasn't as big as the last it still swarmed over every one...we finally got everyone moved down the trail some more and all of the bees beat off from everyone and took a look at who had been stung...Every one had a least one or more stings (Michelle got it the worst) EXCEPT ME...I had not had one yellow jacket land on me the whole time altho I was in the middle and helping beat off the bees off from Karen & Michelle..Weird....
After a break to treat everyone again and to get Karen calmed down we started off again....We climbed up and had probably gone another mile or two when Michelle lost her footing and fell off the edge of the trail...she slid down the side of the hill for about 50 feet...we got her back up and she was alright except for a bruise on her knee...but she was a real trooper and after a short rest was ready to go on. We climbed up and down some pretty steep trails until we saw the rapids...we had to climb down these wet slippery rocks to get to where we were going to have lunch....I took a spill and ended up on my butt not once but twice, the last time twisting my ankle under me...We ate our lunch there. .. The guys still wanted to go to the waterfall altho Bruce (who had been there before) said it was a pretty rough climb...so all of the girls decided to wait at the rapids while the guys did went on to the waterfall... by the time they came back we were into our 4th hour on our 4 hour hike and we still had to go back thro the yellow jackets (which no one was looking forward too)....
My ankle was sore but really only hurt me when I put my foot down a certain way, which slowed me down considerably...Michelle was having alot of pain from her stings and her bruised knee (from her fall) ..so we told everyone to go ahead and we would catch up with them when they stopped to rest before the spot where the bees were...It was slow but not impossible ...finally we caught up at the meeting place...and forged forward..we got thru the spot where Karen had put the rock on the log with no site of any bees...and thought we had made it thru the second area when all of a sudden behind me Dusty Yelps loud and I see Bruce in front of me start slapping at his legs...yep they had found us again...we just kept moving as fast as we could till we got our of their range....and started beating off the bees that were still on on Michelle, Dusty and Bruce...both Michelle and Bruce had bees going UP their shorts..And ME???? Not a single bee landed on me....and again I was in the middle....after much discussion about this we came to the conclusion it had to be because I didn't spray myself with the bug spray...either that or I am a freak of nature who Yellow Jackets don't like to land on LOL....
We were walking and saying how the worst was over when it started to RAIN...HARD...It got really dark and was pouring..poor Michelle wears glasses and can't see a thing without them and couldn't see anything with them. We were all drenched but didn't want to stop and try to wait it out sooo we kept going....Then all of a sudden we hear a big dog start barking across the way....and I swear I heard a gun shot....We all look at each other and in one voice we all said "DELIVERANCE"... I swear to God this really happened....needless to say we all cracked up and started to make jokes about the whole day...by the time we limped back to the cars we had been on the trail for over 7 hrs....and we looked it..I was one big mud pile..my white shirt no longer white....luckily I took a change of clothes (we were supposed to go out and eat after the hike) which I changed in the outhouse from hell...another story for another time....
So I left the house this morning around 7:15 and got home around 9 pm tonight...needless to say the first thing I did was grab a shower...and now I'm ready for bed...I think I'll probably sleep really well tonight....

Dang it hurts!!!

Last night at the gym after I did my stretching upstairs (which is VERY hot because the gym has decided for some odd reason to take away our fans which would at least cool off some of the sweat, this is where all of the cario machines are...now I ask you does this make any sense???) I did abs and while on the tower doing knee lifts I slipped off (my arms were way tooo sweaty altho I had wiped them down before I got on the tower) and hit my right upper arm on the bar HARD....I knew it hurt ALOT but got back on and finished all of my sets...went on and did a back work out before going to the Hip Hop class...Today there is a BIG bruise where I hit..I measured it and it measures at 4" across and 2" down..this thing wraps around my whole upper arm and is really ugly...I think its even swollen...can't tell if it is or if that is just muscle but it definately looks differant from the left arm... I don't want to go ask anyone if it looks swollen to them because then it will look like I'm asking for attention about my bruise...It's one of those DEEP bruises...black & blue right now but you know it's eventually going to turn green...gross...

I used to bruise real easy (especially my legs & butt) but not any more..I'm convinced it's all about how you eat...but some times TRAUMA to an area will bruise...I didn't think it was going to bruise because when I went home it was a little red but no bruise...I almost wish I could take a picture so I could post it here...
What is it with people and their WAR Wounds????

More fun things to do!!!

In my quest for differant fun things to do I have joined another group..this one is called Atlanta Outdoors Club...I'm going on a hike with this group this Sunday...it sounds fun..AND
the end of Sept I'm going to do an "Overnight Adventure"... this will entail spending the night at Zoo Atlanta...
The Itinerary: How does spending the night in the Living Tree House at Zoo Atlanta sound?!? During normal operation hours, you will find lemurs, monas, drills and birds around the Living Tree House. But, during the evening, we will be the only wacky animals at the Tree House! We’ll show up on Saturday around 6pm and participate in several things. First, we will have an animal encounter with one of the small animals, such as a chinchilla, snake, prairie dog, etc. Second, we will tour the Reptile House (snakes, alligator, amphibians, etc.) and also the Commissary (where all of the food is prepared for the animals). We will sleep on the floor in the Living Tree House, and Thermarest pads will be provided. There are bathrooms, but no showers. We will go on a tour of the entire Zoo in the morning after a continental breakfast.

Now call me crazy but this REALLY sounds like fun for me...something I have never done...and I love Reptiles. When we go to the zoo that is my favorite place, I could spend all day there..it will be neat to see it at night...So I signed up, paid my dues for this one and put it on my calendar...I can't wait....

I'm still checking out skydiving & rock climbing.... I have a friend at the gym who want to go tandem skydiving....and I'm thinking about it...now the thing is I have a fear of heights but I'm determined to get over it.... as for rock climbing....I've always been fasinated by people who do it...I remember when #1 Niece climbed a rock wall at the '96 Olympics events held here in Atlanta...I was soo impressed...I'm working on getting my legs strong enuff so I can do this myself..."G's"(the guy who I spent the weekend at Fripp Island with) younger daughter works at one of those rock climbing places and it's got me to thinking about trying it..maybe I'll go to Bass Pro and try one of thier climbs..they have various levels...I guess I could start out with the one all the little kids do...LOL....

Now if only I had the monies to go hot balloon riding...this has been one of my dreams for years, I've come close a couple of times but have never made it..actually I want to do more than just ride in one...I want to be one of the crew who helps set it up....Someday.......

The Quest for Motivation!!

Just got done catching up on Genuine's blog (one of my favorites)...and he talks about motivation for Mrs. Genuine....and it got me to thinking about how I have motivated myself over the last few years and how none of that seems to be working now...it's like "been there, done that, don't want to do it anymore!!!!"

I look around my office here and I see where I have posted all these little motivational poems and sayings..."Dream your Dreams", "Risk", "Your Day to DO It"...then there's the 90-day goal that I did the first of the year (5 things listed and I only made 2 of them)...does this really help or on days like to day only discourage me?

A few of the other ways I've motivated myself over the years (and they all worked for a time) ...
Joined eDiets.com support groups...haven't logged into them much lately...ever since they pressured me about becoming a moderator and doing my "Success" stories. I wonder if that is just an excuse and I've gotten tired of the support groups or that I'm just too busy here at work to log in.....hmmmm

Hired a personal trainer..this is one of the biggest things that helped me in the beginning..but I can't afford it anymore..but if I could, I would...I know there are those people out there that say if you want something bad enuff you will find a way...but truthfully I can't freakin' Afford it and do the other things I want...I know how to push myself at working out...I just haven't been doing it as much as I should...

Promised myself a new wardrobe/outfit...OK!!!! I have gotten WAY past this and buy what I want when I want...I have no control over my buying new clothes...if I see it and want it ....damn if I don't find a way to buy it right then...

Promised myself a Tattoo... so I did this one...but I got it before I reached the goal I had set for it..just because I wanted it sooo much..now I'm waiting to get to 159 before I do the next one....

Which brings me to the question...of Why do I set goals and rewards? To motivate myself..but then I give my self the reward before I reach the goal...so how is this going to help me?

Some people are motivated by reading stories of how others have reached thier goals in magazines...to tell the truth I find myself drawn to them and sometimes this does help me but more often it just makes me want to disbelieve....they always make those stories sound so damn easy...and we all know that's not true...so why should I even bother reading them...(except for blogs they're differant...they at least show the real story...that it is a struggle and that we are all human, not super hero's) ..

Tell myself that I want to look good for when I find that certain Man....but I think I look good now compared to how I looked 3 years ago... OH YEAH, I want to look EVEN better!!!

Write a blog ...wow, what a novel idea...so here I am ....looking to get motivated....

So what Motivates YOU?

Flashback

I went out last night with #2 Niece to Sweetwaters (a local bar) to support her friend Herb's band "Whiskey Vomit Shit" in a Battle of the Bands contest...Now as you can probably tell by the bands name this is PUNK rock and not exactly what I would call my type of music...more like loud yelling with lots of Loud drums and guitar...it all sounds pretty much the same to me but I do think they are good at it....I for one couldn't sustain the level of energy that is needed for thier performance...(btw Herb's band won...yay!!!)
Anyway watching #2 Niece (who looks so much like the Nieces Mom, my sister Linda with her long red hair) head bang to the music in a smoke filled room it flashed me back to when we were her age (in our early 20's) and we used to go out to bars and just plain party all night to good old rock n roll....I remember the energy we had, that feeling that this night was ours and the the world was ours to take....I could see that same energy in the crowd around me last night...the music might be differant, the way they dress might be differant but basically the young are the same no matter what...

I sat back and enjoyed just watching #2 Niece and her friends. And altho I envy them thier energy and zest for life, I don't want to go back to that time in my life. I'm pretty satisfied where I am...They have so much life to experience yet...they are just beginning thier lives...and I sound sooo old (well Hell I am old compared to them) and yet I still feel that I have so much life to live and experience myself...my priorties may be differant than they were 30 years ago but believe me I'm far from being done with this life....

What to do with my free time

I just got an email from my hiking group that the hike we were going to do tomorrow has been cancelled because of the rains in the area...Now why would a little rain keep us from hiking (I ask)...true it does make it a little hard to keep your footing..but now I no plans for tomorrow...not good... I was going to go to bed early so I could get up early but now I could sleep in until..oh say 7 or even 7:45 am (I have to get up by then the latest so I can call and get a racquetball court for Monday night)....that's like sleeping half the day away to me...I can't remember the last time I slept in on a Saturday...it might be nice..but then I'll probably feel guilty because I'm just laying around in bed...
I could go to the gym and work out, hit the hot tub and then go over and see the Grandkids afterwards....or maybe I'll mow the lawn...it really does need it, but I usually like to do that in the evening...but I do have plans to meet up with Lamont (my friend that I went to see Pirates with) for drinks tomorrow evening...oh sooo many decisions....I guess I'll just wait and see what I feel like in the morning....

Off to take a shower and go to bed!!!

Talk about music!!!

I watch very little TV but on Tues nites I make sure I'm home in time to watch Rock Star SuperNova ...last year it was Rock Star INXS and of course the one guy I couldn't stand won but this year I think my favorite actually has a chance of winning....SHE so ROCKS...I would pay money to go see her even if she doesn't win the spot with SuperNova...
From the very first show Dilana has grabbed my attention...not once has she given a bad performance...everytime I see her I think WOW....Not only is she a knock out in looks (I absolutely love her hair and yes that is face piercing) to me she can sing like no end....I can't help but rock everytime I hear her....and she is so damn sweet and supportive to everyone on the show....Nice, Cute and can Knock out a song!!! What more could SuperNova ask for...

My least favorite who also has a chance of winning is Lukas....he has had a couple of performances that I liked but I just think he's a spoiled brat personality wise....

If they don't get rid of Jill tonight I will be totally shocked...this girl has the stage presence of a toad....I'm not sure why they've kept her on so long....hopefully I won't have to be tortured with listening and watching (altho I usually get up and leave when she's on)... The time she sang with Gilby Clarke (who I think is way tooo cool and sexy looking as all get out) she tried the bump and grind with him and he called her out on it....I'm sure she is a short timer...thank god!!!

No one else really stands out for me..they are all nice looking guys & girls and can all sing but they just don't seem to really stand out like Dilana does....but then in my opinion no one can compare to her....

If you haven't watched this show yet be sure to tune in next Tues at 9 pm..you can tune in tonight but it's elimination night and I don't really watch much of it...besides it's on at 8 pm which a little early for me...

Music to my ears!!

Last night at the gym in the locker room while getting dressed to work out I was talking with two women who were changing into thier swimsuits for the water aerobics class. We were talking about our struggles to lose weight..now both of these women are on the large size, probably the size I was three years ago...One of them said to me "If I was as Skinny as you I won't have to worry any more".....WHOOOOAAAA....me skinny? No way....but then compared to them I am...I have said those words to others soooo many time but I never thought I would ever hear them in regards to myself....of course I said to her "No way am I skinny" thinking of those anorexic models..but then I realized that skinny could mean anything weighing less than the person speaking...and in that case I am "SKINNY" at least skinnier than some people and this wasn't always true...

It felt good to think that someone actually sees me not as a "fat person" and when I looked in the mirror I saw me standing next to both of these women and damn if I didn't look skinny....
or at least normal size...

Expectations & Reflections

I had the nicest time at the beach!!! I am so glad I decided to go, it was a good decision for me...
I met G at the Marta station at 7 am and he entertained me with many stories about his travels on the 5 hr drive to the beach...I think one of the things I really like about him is that he doesn't brag or doesn't try to impress a person with what he has done..(Just in case you were wondering, he didn't smell but I was prepared with lots of perfume just in case...I think that was one of the biggest worries I had) and he has traveled so much for his job...Some of the stories were about his time in England, the Netherlands, Scotland, Peru, France and so many more I can't even remember. His stories were very interesting to me and he has a good sense of humor which he inserts into his stories...

I like the beach house. It's a very relaxing place...After he showed me the house, I chose the Blue Bedroom to put my suitcase in. You could tell he was disappointed that I didn't chose the master bed room where he put his suitcase, but he handled it well by making a joke of it...this set the tune of the weekend..we would joke around about his expectations but there was never any pressure for me to change my mind...oh he tried (he is a guy after all) by kissing me but I never felt the time was right to take it any further and he respected that...so we just enjoyed ourselves by doing other things. We didn't ride the bikes, it was pretty hot and G doesn't like to stay in the sun for too long (he had a little bout of skin cancer a few years ago so tries not to get too much sun) During the heat of the day we ended up taking a nap, he in the chair in the living room (I think the drive took a lot out of him besides getting up early for the drive) and me in the blue bedroom where I rested awhile then took my book out on the back patio and read. After the naps, we took a drive around the island and he showed me all of the sights. One of the interesting things is all of the deer that roam free there, they are soo small and tame. Then we went back to the house and ate dinner. We had stopped at Publix on our way and bought spinach salad makings & bourbon soaked salmon. Niether one of us were impressed with the salmon, we would have been better off with a nice Salmon Steak, but since neither one of us had tried Bourbon Salmon before we dicided we needed to at least try it..After dinner we walked down to the club house where they had a band playing and sat on the beach and listened to the music and watched the sunset...it was nice and relaxing. We got back to the house around midnight and I said goodnight and went to bed (by myself)...

I got up early before sunrise (G was still sleeping) and went down to the beach. His house is real close to the beach but not on it. It was high tide so I walked as far as I could west thru the waves on the beach and when I turned around to walk back the sun was coming up over the ocean...it was so cool to see...I was wearing a net cover up over a bikini top and shorts and had only planned on walking but one of my fantasies has always been to run on the beach (like you see in the movies).. so I took my cover up off and ran. The breeze against my bare tummy felt so good and running thru the waves that came up was harder than it looks but felt so good on my feet...I felt so free running. I ran down until I started to come to people down by the club house, up to that time it was just me and the waves. Then I walked back to G's part of the beach and while walking I started to reflect about how I've changed.

I've always been pretty loose with my morals, being a child of the sixty didn't help, I was always a believer in free sex, never felt I had the right to say "NO" to a guy, that if I said "No" they won't like me or even worse they would be mad at me so at one time in my life (before Larry) I slept around alot with guys that didn't want me for anything but sex, didn't respect me or even liked me even tho I gave them what I thought they wanted...I guess you could say I have finally grown up But now there is a resistance in me to take a relationship to that step until I am ready and it feels totally right for me. I take pride in the fact that I respect myself enuff now to not just give in to the basic needs of the body but to expect more of myself and if a guy can't understand that then he's not a person I want in my life.

Later after G got up, we both put on our swim suits and went and played in the ocean for a little while.. then went back to the house and while he did some chores he needed to do...I took a shower in the outside shower and got myself all prettied up for the ride back, then took my book and just relaxed on the deck...We both need to get back to Atlanta early, he to pick up his daughters at the airport (they had been at a wedding in NJ) and I had plans to go over to a friend who just got back from a cruise...so we left around noon and had a pleasant drive back. We did stop in Macon to eat at a real Greek place that G knew of and I tried some Greek food that he recommended, I couldn't tell you the name of the food but I liked it...

Sooo G may not have the best body to look at (remember the duck walk/feet and the fact that he's short and dumpy)but I do think he has a very handsome face, pretty eyes, a great smile and a great sense of humor...but most importantly he's a really nice guy who seems to be grown up enuff to understand where I am right now.
We joked about how to top this second date..We are both pretty busy, he with his work, just buying a new house and getting his daughter ready to leave for college in NY state..me with my gym, hikes and 10k's but I think there will probably be another date in the future...

I'm going to the Beach!

So I made a decision on Weds to accept Gene's invitation to go to his beach house in Fripp Island on Saturday coming back on Sunday...when I asked him about his expectations of what he thought might happen this weekend his response was:

I would see the trip going like this. We meet someplace – here (not far from the tour location), there, somewhere in between – and go forth in my car. Mapquest says that the best way to get there from either place is through Macon and Savannah, and that’s my preferred route. I will show you around the house, the island when we get there. We can ride bikes (I have two old clunkers there), swim in the ocean, watch the sunset / sunrise, there is a small fitness center that we might be able to get into (it’s complicated), we would need to get food at the Publix in Beaufort and / or at the seafood shop near the island – depends on whether you want to cook or go out to eat – there are a couple of restaurants on the island, one not fancy, one as fancy as you want. There is a TV with DVD player, cable wasn’t working the last time I was there, don’t know why it had been before, as I wasn’t paying for it, some things are a mystery. There will probably be a singer up by the pool Saturday night.

There are six beds that you would fit in, 3 couches, two hammocks, take your choice. If I get too rowdy you can lock me on the porch with the hammock. (I probably won’t.) I would rather come out of the weekend with you as a friend than as a conquest,. I believe that anything that does happen should be with the consent of both parties. I’m not taking you there with a great expectation in that regard – I think I would enjoy your company, I hope you mine, I know we don’t know each other very well, I hope it will work out OK.

Not sure if I'm making a mistake or not but it won't be the first time if I am..and I know that I can take care of myself no matter what...

Besides this will give me a chance to wear my tanki on the beach...the only time I wear it is at the gym for the hot tub..hopefully I will get some sun on this lily white body of mine...I hear tan's make you look slimmer...teehhee..

Just how sexy am I?

I'm having a bad hair day today..also I weighed myself this morning and it wasn't good...so am I letting that get me down? Well, maybe a little..but the thing is when I look at myself in the mirror I see that my stomach is getting flatter, I stand straighter than I ever have before, I'm beginning to see curves where there used to be rolls of fat...my boobs are looking pert not saggy like they used to and altho my thighs are still big they look good to me in my tight pants...firm!!!and even the flaps on my underarms are getting less. So who do I believe the scale or my mirror?

There's not much I can do about my hair today but I'm sure tommorow it will look better (at least I hope so)...and if not tommorow then I'm sure in a couple of weeks it will have out grown the bad hair cut I got this past weekend...I'm not worried about it...Much!!
I do think that hair is one of the things that makes a person look sexy. I like the color now and am trying to grow my hair out to shoulder length...I've always wanted to be one of those women who go around with their hair swaying while they walk..too Sexy...

I believe that being sexy isn't JUST all about HOW you look but your attitude. I've seen some really BIG women who are sexy as hell and you can tell that is exactly how they feel...Some days I feel like there is no one out there sexier than me..I walk straight and swing my hips a little...I don't care if anyone is around to see me..it just feels damn good to feel sexy...that's why I dress the way I do...not to attract attention but to make myself feel good about ME...

So altho I'm having that bad hair day and my weight isn't where I want it to be today...damn it I'm still SEXY as hell...at least I'm striving to feel that way...for some reason I associate red with Sexy that's why I put on my red sandals and a red tunic with my black pants and white t'shirt this morning...I'm standing tall and swinging my ass when I walk down the hall....Who cares if I really LOOK sexy (good) I FEEL Sexy...

SEXYSUE RULES!!!!!

Dilemma

The dictionary says dilemma... A predicament that apparently defies a satisfactory solution....

Well that's exactly where I am with Gene, the combover guy that Esther & I went out with Sunday before last...he's emailed me a couple of times and called at night, we've talked...He really is a nice guy..I've TRIED to keep it friendly but not suggestive...I really won't mind JuST being freinds with him..but I haven't actually told him that I'm not interested in him romantically..He wanted to do something together last weekend and I made my excuses..he accepted it with no problem..but now he has asked me to spend the weekend at the beach in SC with him..He stated that his house (which is in a gated community) has several bedrooms and he does not expect me to share his (unless I wanted to)..Now the dilemma is because I really would like to go to the beach and be treated like a queen (which I know he will do) but I just wish it was with someone else..How mean is that?

I don't get the opportunity to go to the beach EVER..I have no monies this year to do it on my own and if I don't take this opportunity I'll probably won't get another one... but it just isn't right to use a guy like that..but then we all know how Shallow I am!!!

Anyhoo..I asked Gene to give me today to think about it and I will give him an answer by tomorrow.