Firsts!!!

I've always wanted to be one of the people that look so damn cute in a hat..but whenever I find a hat I really like and put it on my head it just NEVER looked right..either my head was too big, it made me look like a guy or it was crooked (I think i really must have an odd shaped head under all this hair) any hoooo..

Friday night I was at my fav store Wally World getting fruit to take with me to the Jazz Festival on Saturday when I saw this really cute lil white hat and thought what the heck ...so I tried it on expecting the worse....walked over to the mirror and imagine my shock (and surprize) when It actually looked good...it wasn't crooked and my bangs kept me from looking like a guy and it actually fit...I Freakin' Love IT...and it was only $3.84 sooo what did I have to lose... yep...I bought it and wore it to the Festival on Saturday...Got a lot of good compliments on it tooo (even from people I didn't know)..

This is the First time that I remember ever wearing a hat...I might have wore them when I was a kid but who remembers that far back...

I tried to download a picture that a friend emailed me this morning of me wearing it at the park but I must be doing something wrong because it won't take it... and I know ya'll were just waiting to see it...LOL....Take my word for it...I LOOKED CUTE WEARING IT...

That's another First...there was a few pictures of me taken Saturday and I didn't go ballistic over them...I actually think I looked good in them...Oh one where i'm bending over shows my roll of fat on my middle but even that didn't send me into a tizzy...We'll have to see what I think in a couple of months...I hate that when you think you look so good and then later you look at the picutures and say to your self
"What the f___ was I thinking?"

But who cares right now because I Had a blast at the Jazz Festival...was there from 9 am to 11 pm...and didn't even get sunburned altho it did get hot...I heard it was in the high 90's...

Sunday I got up early and ran at the park by myself and for the very FIRST time I ran all the way around the lake (all three miles) with out walking....this was one of my goals at the first of the year..I wanted to do it by my Birthday and then I pulled that hamstring and it put me behind...but what the Heck...I did it...It felt sooo good.. I did get some weird looks because I was jumping in the air doing the "Rocky" victory dance when I actually reached that spot...then I turned around and walked/ran the thing again...just to prove to myself that I could do it...It felt good...


I've signed up for another hike with Funhikes.com for this weekend...this one is called Hike for the Hearty...I'm not sure that I'm really all that hearty but it does sound good...it's a 10 mile hike that is rated moderate to strenuous....I need to go out and get some second skin or moleskin because they say "there will be Blisters" ...what have I gotten myself into....but this will let me know if I will have what it takes to get into backpacking...It is located beyond the Georgia border into North Carolina and will be climbing to the top of Scaly Mt (4500 ft)...I saw some pictures on line and it really looks pretty...I can't wait...I'm even giving up a raquetball game for this...

MMMMMMMMMMMyUMMMMY

After eating my salad for lunch today I decided to walk over to Publix's and get me a piece of fruit for dessert..All I had in the house this morning was a ripe banana (which I had in my hot Kashi cereal this morning) and an apple (which I'm saving for my 4 oclock snak to hold me over until I can eat again after playing racquetball tonite). Sooo anyhooo..I was thinking grapes or strawberries since they haven't had any Clemetines (which is my all time favorite fruit) around here for awhile...When I spotted this bin with these HUGMOUGOUS (this means very BIG) Naval Oranges...and a sign that said Sweet...@ $1.29 a pound...They just looked so good that I couldn't resist so I picked one of the smaller ones (HA)..it weighed .97 lb and cost me $1.25...but damn it worth every penny I spent....I just got back and sat at my desk with a paper plate and napkin (it was that juicy) and ate the thing...WOW...was it ever good...one slice was as big as a whole Clemetine and they didn't lie about it being sweet...Talk about the best Orange I've had in a LONG ASS time...once I started to eat it I couldn't get enuff...I wish I would have bought more...Much better than those Veggie Chips I was tempted to buy but didn't...I wonder how you would figure out how many calories was in it???? Hmmmm...right now I don't care...but I AM thinking about starting to keep the journal again...and you know how bad I am about that...at least bad about counting calories...But NOT TODAY!!!!

Thrills....

Nowadays I get a thrill out of the weirdest things...I was sitting in my truck at lunch reading. Hey, It's better than sitting in the office....I know, I know I should have been walking but I wanted to finish this book I started last night...anyhooo...I was sitting there when I realized that I had hooked my right leg up under the top part of my left leg without thinking and I was really comfortable...now even up to a few months ago this would not have been possible...I also noticed that my back was straight and I was holding in my stomach...all this without having to think about it...Coool...it gave me a thrill...

Then there is painting my toenails...now this may sound like a simple thing to the majority of the world but when you've been as overweight as I have been, being able to reach your toes to paint them is a big thing...there was a time in my life that I had to wear slip-on shoes because I couldn't reach to tie them...or I would have larry or someone else tie them for me...my belly was that fat and I was that out of shape...Now I can almost touch my nose to my toe...talk about a thrill....who knows maybe I'll take up toe sucking....yech...NOT...at least not my own...teehehehe..

Another big thrill for me is catching site of my reflection in the window as I go to my truck and see how skinny my calves are....especially when I'm wearing my heels...I have to take a second look to make sure it's me...

Last night at the gym one of the personal trainers stopped me and told me that he was soo impressed by me...because I am always there and he has seen the differance in my body in the last year....he also told me that he uses me as an example when he has a new client....WOW, I think!!!! Now this is a guy that I have never talked to (and I talk to alot of people at the gym)...he's always seemed too stand offish to me...but he really was nice...I was smiling all night...What a Thrill...

I want to see that Muscle!!!

OK...so close out was yesterday here at work and I was sitting here at my desk this morning with nothing to do but to look at my bi's...on my right arm you can see the muscle when I flex but it felt mushy not firm like I want it too..and the left still has a long way to go...so i'm sitting here flexing my arm, thinking if I just had a dumbbell I could be building myself up more while here at work...I looked around the office & warehouse to see if there was anything that I could use but everything was way to light...
SOOOOOO. at lunch I took a little ride over to WalMart (my fav store that has everything)and picked up two 15# dumbbells (nice big silver metal ones)...they didn't have any 20#'s...I take them to the check out and the girl there could hardly pick them up..then she put them in plastic bag (using both hands to pick up one) and went to hand them to me...of course the bag broke and they fell on the floor...she looks at me...and I just shook my head and took them in one hand and my bag with the rest of my stuff (raquetballs and a new pair of workout gloves)in the other hand and walked out....OK so i was showing off a little but what the hey...of course I parked at the end of the parking lot as far away as I can so had a little trip to carry them and by the time I got to my truck I was feeling it in my left arm from carrying 30#s...but I did it..
So now I'm back at my desk with my dumbbell sitting in front of me...wondering if it would really hurt me to do some overhead presses with them since I did work on tri/bi's & chest last night at the gym with 20/25# dumbbells...
The weird thing is these 15# dumbbells feel as heavy if not heavier than the 20# at the gym...I did one set of 15 and I definately felt it...
I'm going to go on line and get a workout plan that I can do while sitting at my desk...Pretty soon you should be able to see my muscle....whoooohooooo!!!!

Oh yeah, I'm also thinking about painting the number 15 a bright pink just in case someone decides to "borrow" my dumbbells here at work...ya think that might be a problem or am I the only "crazy" that would have dumbbells at work?

So how was your weekend?

Mine was pretty good!!!

I recently signed up with a hiking group on line...it's called funhikes, made up of mostly singles of all ages..this is good because I'm making a conscious effort to get myself out there and meet people, all kinds, not just single men...(that didn't work out too good) and I really like hiking.

This all started when Cathy, one of the gals at the gym(who is divorced and has lost about 50 pounds in the last year) was telling me that she wanted to hike and had found this group but was afraid to try it by herself...so of course I said.."Let's do it"...and I'm glad I did...We had our first Hike Saturday and since Cathy doesn't live far from me so we rode together up to the trail and amazingly we didn't even get lost..LOL.
There was about 45 people that showed up for the hike and it was split into 2 groups... The "Social" hikers and the "Fast" hikers... the Social hikers were taking the short trail 3-4 miles and the Fast hikers were taking the longer/harder trail 6-7 miles...So of course Cathy and I looked at each other and said "FAST Hikers"..(she one of those power walkers and is tall 5'10 with long legs). Our group was the smaller group (15 people) but everyone was interesting...I got to talk to pretty much everyone on the trail (mostly on the inclines when they were passing me)..and we took one break at the middle of the hike. As usual I was the oldest person in our group (OK,there was one guy, John, maybe close to my age, and his dog, Katie and Cathy really liked him, he was nice) and I did pretty good keeping up with everyone except on the hills..I'm still struggling with inclines but I would catch up on the flat or when we went downhill...
Strange thing was that the Fast Hikers finished the hike before the Social Hikers and we did twice the distance.. I found out later that they stopped alot during the hike.. in fact they even got to see a snake..I love snakes... we were moving to fast to see any wildlife...

After the hike the whole group met at LaParella's, a Mexican resturant, and I sat at a table with some of the Social hikers...they were a hoot...Too bad they only go for 1 hike a month..altho one of the other Susan's (there were 4 on this hike) told me about another Singles hiking group that she belongs to and I will be checking it out. I guess this is a big thing in GA since there are so many trail to hike...
Oh yeah, just in case you're wondering..I did good on eating...which really isn't a problem for me, eating out that is, even being an almost Vegetarian.. I can always find something I like..I had a spinach quesadilla (sp?)and water..it filled me up..I just told myself I was there for the company not to see how much I could eat...

Sunday #1 Niece and I went for our run at the new park that we ran at last week...It ended up being about 5 miles..and we cut our time by 5 min compared to last week...There is this one path that we took that goes all the way down to this ravine then you climb bunches of steps back up...good work out for my butt & hamstrings... I can definately feel it in my butt today...not sure if it is from the hike or the run yesterday..maybe the combination of all...I also mowed my lawn last night but for some reason that just doesn't seem to be the work out it used to be...

It did seem strange not to go to the gym at all for two days but I'll be back at it tonight..I hope to get on some machines & do a UBWO and then I've got racquetball...

Oh how we fool ourselves!

I was reading on Kyra's blog today about this survey....
NEW HAVEN, Conn., May 16 (UPI) -- Nearly half of the people responding to an online survey about obesity said they would rather give up a year of their life than be fat, says a U.S. study.

The study by the Rudd Center for Food Policy and Obesity at Yale University found the some 4,000 respondents also said they would rather walk away from their marriage, give up the possibility of having children, be depressed or become alcoholic rather than be obese.

Five percent said they'd rather lose a limb than get fat, while 4 percent said they'd rather be blind than be overweight.

"We were surprised by the sheer number of people who reported they would be willing to make major sacrifices to avoid being obese," said lead author Marlene Schwartz, associate director of the Rudd Center. "It drives home the message that weight bias is powerful and pervasive."

The study is published in the journal Obesity.


My one thought to this was ....yeah..but would they be willing to give up their favorite unhealty foods if they knew it would absolutely make them fat???? Or would they be like cigarette smokers and think that it didn't couldn't happen to them...

If someone had told me when I was 18 yrs old that I would be obese within 2 years would I have listened to them? Sure, it's easy to say...you would rather lose a limb than be obese...but it's not like you go to bed one day skinny and wake up in the morning fat...at least for me..it just kind of snuck up on me...I can't even blame it on being pregnant...I got fat before that...I actually ate myself fat...and as I got fatter, I got lazier.....and the more I ate...etc..etc...
I didn't work in those early days of my first marriage..up to that time I had been very active..had paper routes, shoveled walks, was a waitress...all active things but then I got married...Big Mistake..the only good thing that came out of that experience was The Kid...although I did find the "Love of My Life" that would stay with me no matter what and it was FOOD!!! especially sweets!!!!Oh, I knew I was getting Fat...but I always had an excuse...and it was Never that I ate too much of the wrong foods...NO..it was always something else...If I had taken that Survey then I probably would have been one of those that said that I would be willing to make a "major sacrifice" rather than be fat...but then what did I consider Fat/Obese? It certainly wasn't being in a size 12 or 16...and size 18 wasn't all that big when you considered there are people out there that are so big they have to be carried out of their house by a team of firefighters... So my other question is HOW BIG IS OBESE? Well, on the site I belong to they have a chart that says for my height (5'4"/5'5") that 175 pounds is still obese...I'm now at 169 and that's just overweight..not obese...The heaviest I've been was somewhere around 270/275..(I quit weighing myself at 265)and I still would watch those TV shows where they had the 600# man or woman and tell myself that at least I wasn't as bad as they were...that I would do anything not to get that size...and I would try a new diet for a little while, lose a few pounds and then go right back to my old lifestyle...and gain some/if not all the weight back...
Oh how we fool ourselves....

Wringing out the sweat!!!!!!

Last night the treadmill kicked my ass....I'm still trying to get back into running so I can do the 5k in two weeks...one of the gals at the gym is going to do a marathon in November and she has started to train for it...one of the things she told me was that when I run, to do intervals....that is to run for 6 mins, walk for 1 min then run again...over & over.. I did this on the treadmill at random with 3% incline for 45 mins and believe me I was soaked with sweat by the time I was done..my next goal is to do 60 mins this way..hopefully next Tuesday....and when I do that, then the next time I will raise the incline....until I can do those damn inclines..I will not let them beat me...
I worked out with the weight last night after running...I upped my weights on the barbell curl...I could only do 7 reps with the 50# bar for three sets...I won't go back down to the 40# but keep working at getting more reps, this way I will build up...some guy came over and told me I was lifting too much weight...I looked at him and laughed..I think he was jealous...the 40# bar is getting too easy, I have to do about 20 reps before I even start to get tired..it's amazing how much differance 10# can make....I thought my biceps would be sore today but they aren't...I can feel the muscles in my tris & chest more...Felt like I had a really good workout...in fact when I changed out of my shirt & sports bra before going home..I had to wring out all the liquid before putting them in my bag...that's how much I sweated...

Tonight I'll do some legs and then play racquetball for a couple of hours...it'll just be me and my old partner tonight so no cut throat unless someone else shows up and challenges us...

Changes

On my ediets one of the gals asked about what changes we had gone thru since losing weight and that got me to thinking (always a dangerous thing LOL).

Changes...Wow...lots of things go thru my mind when thinking of all the changes I have gone thru all my life....Life is all about changing and as much as we might hate changes we can't stop them. And then there are the GOOD changes...these are what I see has happened to me.

I think the biggest change for me since losing 60 pounds plus is in how I view MYSELF, not just how I look. I now have the confidence to do what I want. Before losing this weight I would never have drove to Gatlinburg by myself to meet someone I didn't know like I did last year just for a hike (and I had the best time and made some really good friends for life)..I cringe when i think about how much i missed out on because of being overweight...I look forward to the challenges (which is how I prefer to look at changes)and what life has in store for me.

In fact when I stop and think about ALL of the physical changes in me I see that they are definately for the better.. I now am healthier than I have been in years..no more constant heartburn (thanks to quitting sugar) no more chest congestion (thanks to giving up milk products including ice cream). I am now able to do things I only dreamed about...like running 5K & 10K's...I won't have been able to do this if I hadn't lost the weight.

I now enjoying shopping for clothes..love shopping for those size 10 pants. I think of all the years I dreaded even trying to find clothes for my body that would be flattering..it's rare now that I find something and try it on and it doesn't look good...I love this...

I feel good about myself...This is the BEST change of all.

It all takes time

I've bitched about my "bat wings" forever...but I think they are getting smaller...
When I do my curls with the 40lb bar (I'm going to go up to a 50# bar next week), I sit with my arms resting on this shelf thing (this gives my back support) and I've always hated looking at myself at the mirror while I do my curls because I couldn't get my arms as close together as I wanted (they always splayed out) because of all the fat & loose skin on my tri (not a pretty site)..well last night while I was doing curls I noticed that my arms rest on the shelf without that big overhang of fat that used to be there and I have no problem keeping my arms in like they should...Where there used to be about 6 inches of fat there is only about 1 1/2 inches of fat...I'm also starting to see the muscle defination on my bis (especially when I curl my arm...whoa)...AND I noticed that the overhanging fat that used to be on my sides at the bra line isn't there anymore...This is WAy toooo Coool...So all the hard work that I do with the weights ARE making a big differance....It just takes time for the fat to turn into muscle...
I do abs pretty much everyday...differant exercises but still working the abs, since this is my biggest problem on my body...being a woman that is the last place that you lose...I still have way too much fat but I know under all that fat & skin there is some strong ass muscles...how can I tell? Welll, when I hold in my stomach, which I do all of the time now because it's unconfortable not too, I can feel the muscles are tight...when I'm sitting down I have this roll of fat that used to not even fit in my hand (probably about 6-8 inches) but now is down to about 2 inches (which may be a lot for some people but great for me) and I'm alright with that for now...I feel like the Special K ad..where they do the pinch test and say if you can pinch an inch you need to eat Special K...Well, I don't eat Special K anymore (what I do eat is Kashi GoLean Hot Cereal with a banana..I love the thick creaminess of it) because I don't do milk & sugar and I don't know if I will ever have less than an inch to pinch..but for now I'm not that unhappy with 2 inches...hey it's a whole lot better than where I used to be...
Today I'm wearing a t'shirt with my new levi capris...I mention this because up to now I've advoided wearing t'shirts because they cling to my sides and show that roll of fat too much..there's still a roll but it actually doesn't look all that bad..at least it didn't in the mirror...just nobody take a picture of me...I've added some more obliques to my routine...holdng 10 pound weight while twisting side to side while doing crunches..hopefully this will turn that roll of fat into muscle...it all just takes time..If I keep this up I'll have to be posting another picture of me...maybe one just of my body and no head shot since seeing pictures of me always puts me in a spin...
I do love working out with the weights at the gym....it makes me feel soooo good about myself...
Hip Hop last night was a bust...Kevin our regular instructor wasn't there and the guy who taught was kind of squirley...he was all over the place and his music sucked...but I did the whole hour anyway...He did have this really neat stobe (do they call it that still?) light that made it look like you were in a club...and I did learn some new moves..but I will be so glad when Kevin gets back..I wasn't the only one who missed him...

I know , I know

I have at least 20 pounds I still need to lose before I will be at the weight that I should be at...but I'm going to quit beating myself up over it and start to enjoy where I am at Right now as far as my weight goes...that doesn't mean that I'm going to stop exercising and eating right...Those are a part of my life now and I won't be happy living any other way...what I am going to stop is all the worry and aggravation because I'm not losing any more...I feel as long as I don't gain any weight back it won't hurt me to step back for awhile and relax...

I think if I was really serious about losing this last bit of weight I won't keep buying new clothes that fit me now each week. So in other words I have been sabatoging myself for the last few months and beating myself up over it..Well that stops today!!!

I was looking at my clothes in the closet this morning (I have more clothes now than I ever have had in my whole life)and I absolutely love what I have been buying for myself and I'm not ready to give them up yet, which is what I would have to do if I lost that 20 pounds because they would be too big...now this may not sound bad and I know that I would be buying even better clothes but for right now I just want to enjoy what I have...

IF I start to lose weight again, I won't be unhappy about it but I'm not going to keep trying to change the way I live just so I Will lose that weight...in the back of my mind I keep thinking that since I'm doing everything right now I will start to lose again...even if I don't lose by the scale I should get firmer as I add more muscle...which will make me smaller and that is what this is all about...me looking good and being healthy.

YA'LL MAKE ME SMILE

Thanks to Kyra & Suzann I made up my mind this morning that I will not let my last race defeat me....I am doing another race this month. I will learn from my experience on Saturday...I am going to run a 5K instead of the a 10K but only because there isn't any 10K's that interest me right now....
I signed up for a 5K here locally on May 27th...I think this is the same route I did for my first race back in Sept (and I came in 2nd for my age group)...it's got some inclines but nothing like what I just ran...and I really have to get over my aversion of inclines...I need this race to get my confidence back..and I think I've talked one of the girls here in the office to do it with me....

I'm going to run on the treadmill tonight before working out with the weights..I've been lax on doing this...I've been doing the elliptical & the life cycle for cardio instead of running on the treadmill...using the hamstring as an excuse...not that there is anything wrong with doing either one of those but I really need to get back into running. I was thinking about getting up early and running outside at home but I hate running in my neighborhood...we have some people who let their dogs run outside and it's not like I'm afraid of dogs..it's just that I hate having them at my heels while running...it would be a good run tho because we got a couple of killer hills...the other reason I talked myself out of it is that I live in a subdivision on a cul-de-sac and it's only about 1/2 mile to the main road...I used to walk it with my neighbor and we would walk it 3-4 times to get at least 2 miles in...and it was boring....that's how I know about the dogs....I'll have to give this one some more thought...but in the meantime I WILL do the treadmill at the gym more...I know I really need to push myself more...

On the lighter side of things...yesterday I unintentionally found a way to have a "push up bra" without spending a lot of monies on one of those expensive ones from "Victoria Secrets" (which I have always thought I wanted)....I bought this top last summer (for $5 on sale) that I really liked but when I got it home and put it on I found that the neckline came to a V way down to my belly button (OK maybe not that low but it was low)....so I haven't wore it...Well...at the party the other night one of the gals there had the same type of top on but she wore a sports bra under it and it looked alright so I decided to do the same with this top...and since I was wearing it to work and I have a problem with my nipples showing thro sports bras (which only bothers me here at work) I decided that I would wear my regular bra under the sports bra (more padding in the nipple area)....well let me tell you...this really pushed those old saggy boobies of mine up...in fact all day yesterday I kept hitting my boobs with my chin...whoooooaaaa ... and I was wearing one of my favorite gold necklaces with a big triangle medallion that kept resting in the crevice of my boobs (it was cold and shocking...I kinda liked it)...now understand I am not a large chested woman....since I've lost weight I've gone from a size 42E cup to a size 36B cup...so this was quite a shock to me...I actually looked like I had something there...I'll have to remember this lil trick if I ever get a date...ROTFLMAO....

I just want to say that I'm sooo glad that Kyra is back. When she decided to leave her blog because of stupid people who were harassing her, I felt like I had lost a friend... #1 Niece emailed me the other day to tell me that she was back... I immediately went to her site and felt a warm fuzzy feeling just knowing that she was back.. I hesitated to put her link on my blog because I would never want to be the reason some asshole would find her and give her a bad time again but since I have such a bad memory I knew I would have problems finding her site without adding it to my links ..and I'm keeping my fingers crossed...altho I know that none of you would ever do anything like that...you just never know who is reading blogs Annomously....
I got the biggest smile on my face and the happiest feeling when I saw her comment on my race...I'm always pleasantly surprized that Anyone would come here and read my thoughts and then take the time to give me support...I love it...again I get that warm fuzzy feeling...like I really count for something in this Life....Thanks to all of you I am definately heading in the right direction in this journey of mine...

YA'LL MAKE ME SMILE!!!!!

My worst time EVER....

I ran the 10K at Hartwell Dam (which is on the GA/SC state line) on Saturday and it wasn't good...
Oh it started out good...I woke up on time (5 am), felt good...got my bag packed, packed the cooler with water & fruit for the 2 hr drive there and 2 hr drive back...
The sun came up around 6 o'clock and I could tell it was going to be a beautiful day...I got to the Dam in plenty of time to do stretches and walk around, find the potty's and just mingle around...there was around probably 400- 500 people signed up..talked to some..most of them were doing the 5k...but I figured I would be alright since there seemed to be a big crowd of people my age...then they called for the 5K'ers to get on the bus to go to the top of the dam which was the half way for the 10k...after 5-6 busses pulled out that left the 10Kers...around 150 people left...and let me tell you...I knew I was in trouble...these people were hard core runners...most looked like marathon runners....all those people my age were on the busses to do the 5k...everyone kept looking at me to see if I had missed the bus..but no I told them I was doing the 10k...I think I saw pity in their eyes...I started to worry but I knew I would finish this thing if I had to walk it...

The race started on the road and it was flat and even had a nice down hill.
I stayed with the pack for the first mile and half and then the incline started....now I have no problem running on the flat or downhill but for some reason the incline pulls on that hamstring...I swear to you this incline was over 3 miles long..I kept telling myself (as I fell back from the pack) that I could make up my time on the down side once we got to the top...I mean if something goes up doesn't it make sense that it will eventually have to go down...NOT...there never was a down hill except at the first of the race....I just couldn't get my mind into pushing myself...all I could hear was my mantra...."just wait for the downhill". Everyone kept passing me...even the one old man that I had secretly laughed at at the beginning of the race because he was doing a shuffle run and was probably in his 80's...(don't ever laugh at these guys it will bite you in the ass in the end)...I just couldn't get myself to run..I would run a little then walk (I did this for at least 3 miles of the race). I kept looking behind to make sure I wasn't the last one, there were some walkers way behind me and even they were catching up. We ran over the top of the dam...it was cool looking down but I wasn't really the mood to enjoy it I just kept waiting for a down hill...even the flat seemed like it was on a slight incline. I did run in the last 1/2 mile because I refuse to walk over the finish line..but by that time most of the runners had finished at least 15 mins before me and they were all wandering around on the path and you couldn't even tell where the finish line was.. I kept asking "where is the finish" and they would point me in the right direction...it was just like my nightmares before the race where I get lost and can't find the race...but I did finish...my time was 1:11:23 (I hate to even put it here).

In looking back..I wish I could do the race over...this time I would be mentally prepared...I feel that I let myself down...I know I could have done better..I have run with more pain than I did in this race...

I hear Moanin' Mona and Evil Eva telling me all kinds of excuses...I know that if there were more people running ...like 1000 I wouldn't have felt so out of it...I would have been able to push myself more...I basically gave up on myself and I don't like doing that....I'm thinking that I will go back to the dam and altho I can't do the exact run (because the first half was on the road) I could at least run the last half over the dam and then back...altho that wouldn't take me on the killer incline at least maybe I will feel better about myself...I know I can do this...I will not get discouraged...

Sometimes You just have to give in!!!

I'm here at work but not for long...I've been feeling tired and achey for a couple of days now...probably been overtraining again. I woke up this morning with a doozy of a headache but thought it would go away...guess again...so i've just called my boss (in TN) and told him "I'm outa here" He said no problem because he knows I NEVER take sick leave...He's sooo cool...

I hate giving in to Moanin' Mona...but I think I will actually listen to her today ...go home, crawl back in bed and sleep a couple of more hours...give this body the rest it's crying for...

You know I'm not feeling good when I give up going to Hip Hop..I think I knew when I got ready for work this morning that this is how I would end up because I didn't pack my gym bag....it was hard to walk out the door without it...I FELT SOOOO GUILTY....but I know I'll be better off for it....(i'm trying to convince myself here)...

What I really have to watch out is that after I take the nap that I don't decide that I need comfort foods...you know all the things you like to eat when you don't feel good...this is a trap that I have let myself fall into before..one of the main reasons I usually convince myself to stay at work even when I'm not feeling good....
I'm thinking some homemade potato soup with lots of cheese ....good thing I don't have the makin's for it...then another of my favorites used to be homemade hot Choc cornstarch pudding...again I don't have any of the makin's for that but it sure does make my mouth water just remembering how good it felt going down my sore throat...but wait a minute...one of the reasons I gave both of those up was they both gave me heartburn and made my chest get all congested....forget the taste buds...they will lie to me everytime...maybe I'll make a cabbage/spinach/tofu casserole instead...I have all the makin's for that....AWWWWW COMFORT FOODS.....

Happiness

Does my happiness depend on losing this last 20 to 30 pounds? NO....sure it'll be nice to lose and I'll probably be happier with myself and the way I look and feel BUT if I decided to stop right now and maintain the loss I have done in the past 2 years I think I could still be happy...Don't worry...I'm not planning on doing that...I will lose this 20 pounds...it might take me a while but I know that I will do it...NO Matter what..I guess my point here is that happiness isn't totally dependant on how you look...it's what's inside of you...
When Lar was alive and I was over 250 pounds I was still happy...he never made me feel unattractive or that I should lose weight...true he was overweight too and if we had both lost some of the extra weight he might have had more of a chance to fight his illness.I don't know this for a fact. It's just something that goes thro my mind now and again...guilt I guess that I didn't do everything I could for him...but I do know that I couldn't do it for him and he was never that concerned with how big he was..he just accepted it...Oh...I did try to keep our meals healthy...no fried foods (except when he snuck out to KFC or KrispyKreme) but back to my point...WE were HAPPY...Until he got sick in the last year,we did everything we wanted...camping..taking trips together...going for rides in the car...whatever we wanted to do WE DID...and we WERE Happy...
So Why did I decide to lose weight? Well truthfully...It wasn't so much about losing the weight as getting fit enuff so I could do the things I wanted to do...In the last year of Lar's life I got so out of shape that I couldn't climb a flight of stairs unless I stopped and rested half way...I could barely walk down the hall to the nurses station...Mostly I stayed next to Lar's bed, sitting in a recliner (that's where I slept)and did nothing...And I knew that wasn't how I wanted to live...Lar & I had always been active, even for fat people, and I wanted that back..I knew that if I was to ever find Happiness again that I would have to learn to move this body again..The losing the 70 pounds was just a bonus...
It seems like lately I have been so focused on the fact that this last 20 pounds isn't coming off and somehow I've convinced myself that unless I do then I am a failure and we all know failures aren't happy....But if I stop and look at my life as it is right now I see that I am happy...and I am not a Failure...I have accomplished sooo much and I can & will accomplish so much more before I done...

I was walking over to Publix's to get a salad for lunch today when I realized that I walk with a bounce...I'm happy walking...It is a beautiful day out..the sun is shining and felt so good on my face as I was walking...one of the guys from the gym drove by and honked at me...I smiled and waved back at him...I feel so happy to be alive....how could this be anything but a Success....
There was more that I wanted to say, things I thought of as I was walking but as usual when I sit here to type it all leaves me...but know this..they were Happy thoughts...

I forgot!!!

I wanted to tell ya'll bout this guy at the park who was riding his bike...I saw him a couple of times on my run yesterday and while I was doing my stretches at the end of my run, I saw him ride his bike up to a Harley motorcyle and he mounted the bicycle on the back it..I've never seen anything like this before....How coool is that? that he is that dedicated...
I didn't get a bike this weekend..spent all my monies on clothing but I'm still thinking bout it...just trying to figure out how to mount it in the back of my truck so I can take it to the park and maybe even up in the mountains with me...hey if this guy could do it on his Harley...I should have NO Problem...Right?

Had a good Weekend....

Sat morn I played racquetball...I'm moving pretty good on the court and am actually racking up some points ...giving my partner some competition...talk about feeling good...I then did some abs and some back (couldn't do any pull ups because my little finger on the left hand is swollen & hurts from the arthritits and can't get a good grip on the bar...I still need to see bout getting some wrist wraps so I'm not having to use my hands so much), made plans with one of the gals from the party last week to go to Piedmont Park on the Memorial Day Weekend to PARTEEEEEEY (same group of crazies from last week will be there plus) then I hit the hot tub...

After the gym I went to the ball park where Bubba was playing softball...The Kid's Hubby is the coach this year and she helps him out..and since the team Mom wasn't there to help in the dug out...I took Lil Missy to the playground so The Kid could be team Mom for the day...Lil Missy and I had sooo much fun...we even went and fed the geese & ducks at the pond... this guy had some bread and gave it to me for my "daughter". I had to laugh and tell him that she was my GrandDaughter..I think he needed glasses...LOL...

On my way home I stopped at the store and got me these really coool levi capri's and some teeshirts...I don't have any regular teeshirts and had convinced myself that I was too old for Tshirts with sayings but got hit with just the right mood and saw a couple that I really liked.. the one I'm wearing today is light brown with "Single & Fabulous" in Gold...the one I really like and will probably wear it with my new capris says "Rock & Roll...if the music is too loud then you are too old"...How cool is that? I did find this really neat pair of camouflage color capri's that I fell in love with but when I tried on the size 10 they were to tight in the belly and damn if I will buy size 12...so as much as it broke my heart I passed them up...I have to quit buying clothes....but Damn I keep seeing things I want...oh yeah..I also bought another new pair of sandals....good thing I buy at WalMart and Ross's so I get a lot of stuff without putting out alot of monies...I figure when I get to my final goal, I will then start to buy the good stuff... until then I'm just having fun...

When I got home I looked at the 150 pictures from the party that was emailed to me ...There is not ONE good picture of me in the whole group and I'm in probably about 20 pictures...But I did good and didn't get depressed about it because I decided that it doesn't matter...I had a good time.. and these people like me for who I am not for how I look....and just enjoyed looking at the pictures..damn we sure did have a good time....

Sunday woke up to a cold dreary morning, decided I wasn't up to running at the park especially since #1 Niece had other plans (again)...so I did my laundy...cleaned up the rest of the house, by then it was around 11 am and I got to thinking about my race next week up at Hartwell...since I've never been to the big town of Hartwell before, i decided to take a ride up to it and make sure I know where I am going since my run is at 8 am next Saturday...looked on mapquest and saw that it's about an hour & half drive north of from where I live...so I packed some fruit and water and got in my truck and drove...it was a nice day for a ride...found Hartwell with no problem but the directions to the Recreation Area that I mapquested was wrong so I ended up driving around for awhile until I found it..in the opposite direction...Good thing I decided to check it out..I would have been sooo upset if I got there next week and couldn't find the place..Nice area and now I know where to go without no problem...

It's funny...when Lar was alive he did all of the driving (I was the navigator)and we would go for rides on the spur of the moment just to be going...I always thought it was just him that was impetuous but I'm finding out that I am too...I never thought I would be able to just drive somewhere I've never been without being afraid of getting lost or having car trouble or just being by myself...but over the last couple of years I have found that if I want to do something I don't have to wait for someone to do it with me ..I'm all right just going by myself...Sure it would be nice to have someone to go with but why should I miss out just because I don't have someone...(except I'm still afraid to go into Atlanta by myself)...

Anyhooooo....I got back around 4:30 and decided that I would take a run at the park...good news is that my hamstring didn't bother me...bad news is I got a cramp in my other leg that still hasn't gone away totally...but over all I had a good run..didn't make the time I wanted due to the fact that I pretty much walked the last mile of the 6 miles..but I still felt good because at least I got out and did it...Didn't give into Moanin' Mona who was crying because she just knew it was going to hurt...What's a little pain compared to feeling good about myself...

got home, took a shower, fixed a good dinner, then finished folding and putting away the laundry (funny how I have more work out clothes than anything) then sat and finished my book I was reading..went to bed early...
All in All a good Weekend...