How old am I really?

I just figured out that I really like playing... it's like I'm trying to make up for lost time. And I finally found someone to play with... Yay!!!!

#2 Niece and I did the Hip Hop class last night... it was fun. I wish I could say I am good at it but alas I still have a long way to go... This is an exercise class not a dance class so don't know what I will do with all these moves I'm learning but you never know it might come in handy if I decide to become a dancer...laugh, laugh!!

I've been hanging out with #2 Niece & her roommate (the Craigman, good looking devil that he is, tall over 6 feet, thin and has long hair down to the middle of his back, too bad he's so young) alot lately. They are both in their 20's and have a lot of energy but I'm doing my best to keep up with them.. They are teaching me how to play hackysack... good for co-ordination and can be done anywhere... Tonight after the gym/racquetball we are going to the haunted house NEVERWORLD to be scared out of our wits.. I can never get anyone to go with me but now I have some playmates that dig the same things I do... WOW...

I think #2 Niece was surprized when I called her to see if they wanted to go with me tonight... She said she had been wanting to go. I could tell she was surprized by the way she sounded that I would want to do such a thing....It sounds like fun to me... I can't wait to try my scary laugh on them...teeheheh

Hanging out with these guys makes me feel so young.. I suppose one day I will have to act my age...but I'm not going to rush into it... I did that for too many years... part of it is being fit enuff to do things... I'm not afraid of what people will say when they see this "old" lady doing things that normally only "young" people do.. I just don't care because I AM HAVING FUN!!!

Tomorrow night we (this includes #1 Niece, The Kid, their hubbies, # 2 niece, The Craigman & me) are all going to a Halloween Party... Costumes and all.. the only ones I know what they are going as is #2 Niece & me...we both bought fake boobies for our costumes...ROTFLMAO...I am going as a "Nasty" Witch and she is going as Jessica Rabbit... I can't wait to see how we look... It ought to be a blast...

I'm in a reflective mood today!

I've dealt with a low esteem (I just hide it well LOL) most of my life...always worried about what others thought and tried to live my life so I would get the approval of everyone...and when I didn't get that approval then I went into a "black mood" and blame everything, my being fat, being ugly, ect, on the person whose approval I didn't get... when in fact it was my problem not theirs...I could blame my Mom for not encouraging me when I was young but that won't change who I am now... I'm learning to like/love myself..not an easy thing to do..but each day I find something about myself that I like and build from that...I like to say "I'm an work of art in progress"... I'm learning to trust what I think and how I feel about things...if I like something does it really matter if anyone else does? Hey, I drive a pink truck... what can I say?

When Larry came into my life I learned that life goes on no matter what, that there will always be disappointments and I needed to learn how to deal with them....Here was a man that had everything (I thought) taken away from him in a moment, he lost the use of his lower body totally and was confined to a wheelchair at the age of 18 years old but he didn't let that stop him from living life to the fullest.He accepted that he would never do the things he had before in the same way so he found other ways to do them.. He went camping, owned his own boat, drove his own car, even raced at one time... I could go on all day of how special I thought he was, but you know he never saw it that way. He just knew that he had to live life. The point I guess I am trying to make is after he passed away and I looked at my own life I decided to use what he taught me and find another way to live my life...so I can't have the same foods that I did before because, face it, that is one of the things that made me "fat" so instead I found things that I could eat that I enjoy just as much... so instead of those greasy potato chips that I used to eat a whole bag of now I eat raw zuchinni with a little low fat dip, is it the same? No, but I still like it...Do I miss it?....yes there are times I would give anything to be able to go back to eating the way I used to... but I know just what that would lead to sooo I tell myself that part of my life is over...

To me it's all about choices.. I keep things in my house like fruit, zuchinni, ect that I know are good for me and don't buy the things that I know would tempt me, like cookies, potato chips, ice cream, ect so when I am having an off day it makes it easier for me to make a smarter choice... Now I'm far from being perfect..and yes, I do have "off" days but I try not to make it any harder for me than necessary...and I don't expect me to be perfect...and if I do make a wrong choice, such as giving into EE & MM and buying a choc candy bar every once in a while..then I get right back making those right choices again... this has helped me know that I can do this no matter what.. This isn't just a Diet, this is my Way of Life now and for the rest of my life...

Do I really need to lose any more?

It's Monday and I'm fighting Evil Eva big time....She is trying to convince me that weighing 169 is good enuff. Her arguments are as listed.
1. This is the least I have weighed in the last 35 years...
2. If I keep losing then I won't get to wear all of the neat clothes I've been buying.
3. People are telling me that I look good so why bother.
4. If I lose too much more then I will have all this loose skin. I have already noticed this on my arms and legs lately. What if it gets worse? And what about that yucky chicken wattle on my neck?
5. I'm 55 years old for Gawds sake... I need to act my age...
6. If I lose more weight I will look older...I've seen pictures of women who have gotten so skinny they look gaunt..

I don't know if I'm just tired today but some of the things she's yelling in my head makes sense to me... I'm thinking maybe I just need to take a break and maintain the 160's for a while... but then again I might not have a choice... it hasn't been easy losing this last 20 pounds.. What makes me think I can lose another 20 pounds?

The picture above is on the day I ran my first 5K and won 2nd place for my age group... you would think that would motivate me to keep going. but when I look at this picture all I see is the negative things to see... I'm not going to mention them because I'm hoping you don't see what I see...
Is is dumb to be worried about the loose skin on my body? I tell myself that I can always cover it up... No matter what it's better than fat....

Dream

I had the coolest dream this morning...I dreamt that my truck was being "Overhauled" by Chip Foos (BTW I really like his looks)... yep, in the dream he said to me "You deserve this because you've done so good losing all that weight. You look good and need a truck that looks as good as you"... Whoooa... I did not want to wake up. Pretty good when you even dream about your weight loss...
Now let's talk about my truck.... Overhaulin' took all of the little dings out and painted it the same color (a dark red/pink) and then Chip painted the feather abstract painting I have in my living room on the side of the truck.... it looked way to cool. He also made up some special just for me really cool rims that continuously go around... I love those!!!
They redid the interior too... I got a dark blue soft material seat covers that match the cover on my steering wheel and of course they did the dash board in a silver to go with the siver stripes on the outside... it looked so good.. Gave me a new engine, chromed of course, the same for the tail pipes & bumpers.... oh yeah the bed of the truck was redone with that spray on bed and then a neat cover... WoW, if only I really had the monies to make it look that good...
I LOVE MY TRUCK!!!!

I conquered the day!

After a long hard day fighting MM & EE I've conquered the day again...(imagine me hitting the air in a Rocky salute!!!)
I've compromised with the my alter egos and bought some sugar free hot chocolate, did not give into the do-not's and still ate all of my fruit..but will eat some oatmeal instead of the banana this morning... I have been soo focused on getting out of the 170's and I do want to get down to 165 right away....but I think I can also give a little here and there without blowing everything if I'm careful...
Did anyone watch Biggest Loser this week? One of the guys (Mark, I think) doubled his workouts and basically starved himself thinking he would have a bigger loss and then all he lost was 4 pounds. I could have told him he was going at it all wrong... but I did feel for him...after all that hard work...
It's hard sometimes to remember to take it slow and easy, that nothing worth while happens overnight...so I will relax a little but still stay on plan... just make some small changes.
I played Racquetball last night and realized that this month is is 2 years since I started playing.. boy how that time has flown...People at the gym that I have never talked to before are starting to come up to me and asking me how much I have lost... I guess this last few pounds are really showing.. I know I definately am feeling thinner....

Moanin' Mona

Moanin' Mona here this morning.. I don't know why SS calls me that just because I don't feel good, I'm achey all over, she never gives me a break, always makes me work out and I'm tired today... I didn't wanna to get out of bed but she made me..it was cold and I don't feel good but would she listen to me... nooo she made me get out of under those warm blankets...see how mean she is... she even made me put on a nice little top when all I wanted to wear was a baggy ole shirt...and I had to put on makeup... no one's going to see me so why do I have to make myself look good...I tell you she's soo mean to me... I never get my way anymore...I almost had my way but even Eva couldn't convince her to stay in bed but we did stay there for an extra 20 minutes just to show her...and we're both working on her today about the way she makes us eat... Maybe this time we will get our way.. it's about time.. I really want some of those do'nots in the lunch room, they look sooo delicious, a couple won't hurt us, don't ya think.... and why do we always have to eat all of that fruit everyday... It may taste good but I think Chocolate tastes better...I never get chocolate anymore....you would think she would at least let me have some hot chocolate.... but noooo all we ever drink is WATER and green tea....you guys think she is soooo great but you don't have to live with her.... EE calls her Miss Goody Two Shoes or Miss Sunshine... yech....it's a good thing that we're around to keep her from being sooo boring....Opps, I think she is going to take over again... damn I never get to have any funnnnnnnn.

What I did on my Vacation!!!

I'm back after a GREAT weekend. I stayed on plan with my eating and drinking water and I got lots of exercise...
I got up early Fri Morn and took a 3 mile run at the park... It was beautiful, the morning was cool and there weren't alot of people at the park, if only I didn't have to work I could do this everyday..oh yeah..
after running I went home to finish packing, then headed out to the airport.. I wanted to make sure I got there in plenty of time....

When I got to the airport I found I had a 4 hr delay on my flight due to the weather up north but I had a book and my planned snacks (fruit & nuts) already packed so noo problem. I had also packed a spinach/turkey wrap for lunch so didn't need to even look at any of the airport foods...and of course I had my water with me... I just sat back and enjoyed the time to myself..got into Newark around 10:45 and Frank met me at the airport;
We drove for what seemed like forever until I saw a house on a steep hill with a small Cypress tree wrapped in white X-mas lights, this was Franks & Val's house.. It was a really nice house and that's where we were all staying for the weekend.. Luckily it's a pretty big house because another couple was coming up on Sat. We sat around talking and catching up on everything.. he had been down in MS for 3 weeks helping with the Katrina Victims so had lots to tell me... The pictures he had of the devasation of the area around Gulf Port were terrible to see..
Sat morning we got up and did a run that a local car dealership was putting on for Katrina Victims. It was 5 miles of lots of hills... who knew that NJ had so many hills... I did pretty good for an old lady... the weather was great the whole time I was there.. It had been raining for the last 11 days and then I showed up and no rain at all the whole weekend.. Our other eDiets friends from PA (Dave & Micki ) showed up Sat afternoon and again we sat around and talked (mostly about our new healthy living and how much we have changed) then decided to go out to eat... We did Chinese.. I had Miso Soup and the Budha's Delight and splurged with a drink called Ginger Kamasuzi (it was really good but one was enough for me, it used a chinese liquor in it).. then we all went back to Franks and played Triva Pursuit.. I found out how much I don't know...teeehhheeheh.

I got up early Sunday morning and took Frank's dog CC for a walk, since they live in the country there wasn't any traffic but I did see a couple of deer... no bear altho Frank did tell me they do come around alot.. I did see where one had been scratching itself on a tree.. oh well maybe next time...When I got back Frank & Val were in the kitchen making breakfast. Frank fixed his special Power Pancakes using oatmeal/egg whites & ricato cheese.
Then we all jumped into Dave's car and drove for 2 hours (after a stop off at the local WalMart) up to the northern part of the state. Our hike took us up to the highest point in New Jersey. I think this is where Frank told us that we were looking at three states, PA, NJ & NY.. all I knew is it was soo beautiful... It was a little windy, in fact it reminded me of being back in WY... At one point the wind almost blew Frank off his feet.. I had to laugh... that's what he gets for losing so much weight..also he's 6'2" which made him taller than the rest of us ..... The leaves are just changing but it was still great... we hiked for 5 hrs. Val gave me a really nice back pack for daytime hiking and I wore it the whole time... another first for me... it's strange but it seemed to help my back from getting sore.. kept me standing tall....
When we got back to Frank's and he & his wife fixed dinner...Grilled Steak and chicken for them (I don't eat red meat and rarely eat chicken) but he had spinach salad with strawberries/blue cheese crumbles/walnuts, a veggie dish and sweet potatoes especially for me... it was good..Then we sat around talking until late when Dave & Micki (the couple from PA) had to drive back... none of us wanted it to end.

Yesterday I woke up and was hoarse from soo much talking & laughing...No problem with my flight coming home but did feel a little lonely with out all of my friends around...
Sooo that is my trip to NJ and it was GREAT...

Can't sleep!!!!

It's 3:30 am and I'm back to not being able to sleep again.... I hate this... It's been going on for about a week now. I figure it must be part of going through the change... I don't get night sweats but I seem to only be able to sleep a couple of hours then I wake up and have trouble going back to sleep unless I get up and do something for about an hour or so. I did go through this for a long time after Lar died but thought I was doing better... At least I was waking up would go to the potty and then crawl back into bed and go right back to sleep... but not lately..I seemed to be doing better once I gave up sugar.. Maybe I just have too much on my mind LOL. Oh well, doesn't seem to be anything that I can/will do about it... Not going to the doctor and I hate taking meds of any kind to make me sleep...so will just deal with it... The thing that keeps going through my mind is that I've read that if you don't get the right about of sleep it will affect how you lose weight... Damn, the more I think about that, the more I can't sleep... I've always got along on just a couple of hours sleep my whole life, maybe that was a big factor in why I was/am so fat....LOL
I took a night off from the gym last night... I just felt so bone tired and realized I haven't given myself a break in a weeks... I've really been pushing myself so I would get to 169 by this week... I don't know why I feel guilty if I miss a day of working out but I do. I know in my mind that I need to give myself a break but I keep thinking if I miss even one day it will be too easy to miss more and then I'll be right back where I was... Truthfully, I don't think that will happen as long as I'm having fun at the gym... I do love going... it's nice to know that I'm "popular" there...(who'd thunk) There is always someone there that I know and enjoy talking too... I don't have that anywhere else in my life right now and I guess it's important, at least to me...
I'm flying to Newark NJ today to meet up with some friends I've made through eDiets. We're going to do a 10K run tomorrow morning for the Katrina victims and then Sunday go for a nice hike... so I will make up for not going to the gym. I find that I really do like being adventurous and doing things I never have before... I have never been up that far north and I'm really looking forward to it... It should be fun. Although I will miss running with #1 Neice on Sunday... But there's always next week...
Well, I think I'll go finish cleaning up the kitchen then try to get a couple of hours more sleep... I started a new book by Nora Roberts, that I bought for the plane ride, last night instead of cleaning like I planned when I took off from the gym... oh well, I really did need the rest...

Goodbye to the 170's

GOOD BYE.... Yep, I said good bye...good bye to the 170's... you got it.... I saw 169 on the scale this morning... So am I flying? You bet!!! Do I feel any skinny-er? You BET !!! Is all this hard work worth it??? Oh yeah Baby!!!

THIS IS A BIG MILE STONE FOR ME!!!
When I started all this 2 years ago my goal was to go from 235 to 169. I think in the back of my mind I never really thought I could do it. But I decided to give it my all and not accept anything less. When I reached 199, I changed my goal to 159. Then I got to 189, I changed my goal again to 149... Then I got stuck on that dang ole Plateau in the 180's for 6 months and thought I would never see the day the scale would read 179 much less 169... well, I'm here to tell you I flew through the 170's.. and now here I am right were I was afraid to dream I could be.....wooohoooo!!!!

Does this mean I will take a break from living healthy and exercising??? No Freakin' Way!!!
My next goal is to reach 159 by Christmas...What a great Christmas present for myself that would be...I still have alot of hard work ahead of me... but I know I can do it...

Cool shirts & sweaters

I am sooo looking forward to cooler weather so I can wear all of my long sleeve pull over shirts, sweaters & sweatshirts.... Yep... last winter when I bought them I thought they were alright but when I wore them that bulge on the side, you know the one that pops up when you put on tight pants and the fat has to go somewhere so it pops up to right above the belt line on your hips....would show and then I would be consious of it all day... Well, I put on one of those shirts this morning and lo & behold no Bulge.... yep, in fact it lays down everywhere really good... and loooks fine on me... I also am getting flatter upper abs,(all those crunches seem to be working) got lots of work on that lower abs part still, you know the "apron" area... but hey if my pants are tight enough that doesn't show as much...
What I really like is getting up in the morning and putting on clothes that look good right away... no more trying on 10 differant outfits because I don't like how I look.... tooo coool!!! It's is such a kick in the ass to think about trying on something and remembering how it looked on me last year to find out that it looks good now... It's just to exciting... Hey remember I'm old and I get my kicks anyway I can...

How DO you peel a Pumpkin?

Yesterday being Sunday I decided to try a new recipe I found on eDiets... it sounded like a recipe I could change around to fit what I like... I used to be a fairly good cook, being one of the things I truly did enjoy doing. Of course I rarely follow a recipe exactly like it is ... the challenge is to see if I can change it and have it still come out good...

CLASSY PUMPKIN PASTA
10 oz dry fettuccini noodles*
1 tbsp vegetable oil**
1 pound peeled, seeded and grated pumpkin***
2.5 tbsps tomato paste****
4 tbsps lite sour cream
1 tsp chilli powder

* OK the first thing I decide is that this might work really good with Spagetti Squash instead of fettuccini noodles...and I just happened to have one already baked and ready...

** Now I don't have ANY oil in my house, all I use is spay Pam, so figured I would just keep spraying until I had enough...

***This is where the real fun began... I bought a couple of small pumpkins at the grocery store...now I have carved them before and I have even baked one before but I have never ever tried to peel one before...You would think that something this small would be easy.. NOT... I get my cutting board out, my old fashion type grater and my big butcher knife. ...Now I know how to pick out a good squash by thumping it and I 've gotten the knack of cutting it open down... but damn if this little old pumpkin didn't almost defeat me... I decide that I first needed to cut it in half so I can clean out the middle of seeds but it kept rolling around on the cutting board while I was trying get the knife into it... then the knife got stuck half way in and I had to almost jump on the thing to get it out. Finally I succeed in cutting it in half, take all the guts and seeds out... rinse the seeds so I can bake them and have Pumpkin seeds to snack on this week, then I try to peel it... the butcher knife is way to big for peeling so I look around for a knife that would work, I don't have one of those handy dandy peelers and I lost my nice sharp paring knife years ago.. I usually use a steak knife for cutting up veggies so I grab one I think might be sharp enough... NO WAY is this going to peel this baby...it comes off in small pieces only at this rate it will take me 3 hours just to peel the dang thing....so I start to think to myself... this needs to be grated so how about taking a fork and running it across the meat of the pumpkin... this works for about a minite but it's hard to get the fork in the middle of the half of the pumpkin so I decide that I need to cut the halves up smaller. By now my kitchen is starting to look like a hurricane has hit.. I have bits of pumpkin all over me and the counter...I still can not get the damn thing peeled and only have about 2 tablespoons of pumpkin ready...I have no patience for this... so I drag the grater over... God only knows why I didn't get out the food processor, I do have one but haven't used it in many a years... I now have small slices of pumpkin with the peel still on but decide I can grate it anyway without peeling... this work all right for a little bit until I hit my thumb & finger on the grater,.... now we have blood in with the pumpkin... great... I struggle on this way and finally get 1 1/2 cups of grated/chopped up pumpkin with only a little shell in it....whew...so I follow the next step in the recipe which is to cook the pumpkin in a large skillet over medium heat for about 10 mins or until it begins to break apart..I spray the pan with Pam, add the pumpkin and decide that it is too dry soo spray more Pam over it....
I take a minute to clean up the kitchen and have a glass of wine while this is cooking.....
Take a look at the pumpkin cooking, it's browning but not breaking apart (what ever that means) and remember that I do have some EVOO so decided this might just be the thing to add.... It seems to do the job and the constency changes.
The next thing that it calls for is Tomato paste****... well of course I don't have tomato paste but I do have some spagetti sauce that I use in my Cabbage/Tofu/Spinach Cassorole (which is delicous by the way) so I decide to use that instead. Didn't seem to hurt it sooo added the no fat sour cream and a few shakes of chili powder that I found in the back of the cupboard.(I don't like spicy).. It all looks like a big orange thick glob but the recipe says "The mixture should be mushy & an even golden-orange color".....it is a golden orange color I'll give it that. So I'm thinking that once I mix it with the spagetti squash maybe it won't be such a glob...

I dish out some Spagetti Squash onto a plate add a spoonfull of the mixture to it and try to stir it in.. Ok it doesn't stir in, it just sits there on top... I finally get my nerve up to taste it...... Ok it doesn't taste too bad, kind of blah, must be why it called for so much chili powder...
I'm thinking that I will add more tomato sauce, sour cream & chili powder to the leftovers it might just work....I mean after all the work I did to PEEL that dang thing I'm not giving up on it.....

If only I could look & be young again!!!

I think in the back of my mind I've always thought if I lost "the weight" I would be cute... now why I thought this I don't know since I wasn't all that cute when I was young and skinny. Skinny meaning that I weighed somewhere in the 120's when I was a teenager....a size 12 in those days... I don't ever remember anyone telling me that I was "cute" or "a knockout" .... I wanted to be but I wore these really thick glasses, being almost blind, and I think I had a really hateful look on my face most of the time (I was a "troubled teen")...I didn't date much, but did have a reputation for being "wild"... I was always "the girl from the wrong side of the tracks"... I never had "nice" clothes, never took care of myself, had long scraggly hair being a teenager in the 60's. I wanted to be a "flower child" but never felt like I fit in there either. The closest I came to was after "The Kid" was born and I lived with my younger Sister, who was a "hippy" and still is to this day.. I went along with what she was, kinda like a free ride...listened to her music, did the drugs with her (this was in the 70's, we all did drugs....), hell she would even bring guys home for me, since I stayed home and took care of the kids (Jason, The Kid & #1 Niece) while she worked and I collected welfare...

Come to think of it I don't think I have ever been what I wanted to be, but what whoever I am with wants me to be... My 1st husband was a cowboy, so I listened to country music, even wore cowboy boots... never had a thought of my own.. until I got preg with "The Kid" and moved out.... Then I started to hang out with the Sister and I became her shadow. Then after Jason died, I went off the deep end and became a drunk & a whore (did a lot of things I'm not proud of ), until I met Lar. I think the one thing I really loved about him was he was the first person who saw the real me (after all he was my other half, my soul mate)... and he thought I was "Sexy" .Now he never said I was "cute" but he truly thought I was "Sexy" but then after awhile I seem to have lost that person he saw when we first met... not sure where she went but I became a caretaker, not that I regret one moment I spent with him. Now truthfully if I stop and really think about it , there have been short periods of time in the last 23 years that the "real me" Peeked out...The time I went from 275 #s to 175 #s around 10 years ago... It seems like the only times I really came close to being who I want to be is when my weight is down... soooo no wonder I'm thinking if only I lost all this weight I could be "cute"...
.
Soooo here I am in a size 10, smaller than I've ever been in my adult life, and what do I see when I look in the mirror? If I don't look to close I do see "Cute"...I no longer wear glasses (except for reading) I had RK when I lost that weight 10 years ago. I love my hair, its short, "rocket fire" red, my clothes are soo much fun (I love Ross's") I dress for me and I think I might even be a little "Cute" in my tight size 10 pants and my 4" heels...
but Then If I look close, I start to see the "crows feet" around my eyes, the "puckers" around my mouth, the "chicken wattle" under my chin... all signs of AGE...and I don't think losing weight will change that, now the only way I'm going to get rid of these signs is with plastic surgery.... and that is definately not for me... so I guess I willl have to learn to live with these signs of age... after all I am 55 yrs old... yep, I do have to keep reminding myself that because since I've lost this weight I don't feel that old... I feel that I should be in my early 40's ... where oh where did the last 15 years go? On the realistic side of things I know that although I can lose the weight I can never bring back my youth, but I sure as hell can slow down the aging...
Now if I could only get rid of this worry about looking like one of those "old gray haired Ladies" that dress and act way to young for age.......oooohhhhh nnnnnooooo nnnnotttt that!!!

But I did it anyway

I didn't have a racquetball game last night. I didn't call in for a court early enough on Monday... The gym I go to has 4 courts and lots of players... It's always a struggle to get a court, but usually if I call in right when I get up 2 days in advance (that's the soonest you can call) then I can get a court... We usually play Mon, Weds, Fri & Sat a..m.... Now I really like playing racquetball. I don't consider it exercise...altho I do get alot of that, I consider it fun. I love that I can move this body all around the court... When I first started playing it was a struggle, my knees hurt and I was always out of breath and bending over to pick that ball up(which is great exercise in itself) when I missed wasn't easy. But here I am 1 1/2 years later and it's no big deal for me to throw myself after that little green ball... I still don't win much but I am getting better each time I play...I am so glad that I didn't get discouraged at first because it was hard. I made up my mind that I would keep playing no matter how bad I was and eventually I would have to get better... There is something in me that doesn't like to quit....
...
Well anyway... I didn't have a game scheduled last night and Evil Eva and Moaning Mona were really at me to just go home instead of going to the gym and work out... Evil Eva kept telling me that I deserve a break, how I could go home, finish reading my book and eat the rest of the Rice Dream Frozen Dessert that is just waiting for us in the freezer, and Moaning Mona kept at me about how tired I was. But I know that if I give into either one of them this time it will be that much harder not to give into them the next time. I have this fear that if I don't keep going that I will end up right back where I was two years ago, doing nothing but sitting in front of the tv, reading and eating junk... Now I ask you does that sound like a life for me... maybe to EE & MM it sounds good but like I said I really like being able to do things... I love feeling good about myself..Besides I did give myself a day off on Sunday so it's not like I have a reason to be tired....I've seen too many people who used to come to the gym start slacking off..a day here and a day there until they quit coming all together...

So I did not give into EE & MM... Nope, refused to listen to them.. Drove myself to the gym after work and made myself get on the Life Cycle, did 40 mins and then went and did legs for 45 mins then did abs for 15 mins... and I felt pretty darn good for it..

. Now the question for today is Why is this such a struggle everyday that I have to work out?... It seems the only days I really have no trouble going into the gym is the days I have a racquetball game... It's not like I don't like working out until I my muscles fail (smirk).... the pain is good, right? Now you have to understand that the gym is my second (some would say my first) home. I am there everyday (except some Sundays) and I am friendly with a lot of the people there.. It is a comfortable place to me and I'm all right once I get to the gym and start working out but dang it's hard to convince myself of that when I get into the car and have EE & MM both telling me otherwise.. I've talked to other women who have the same problem (I guess they have their own EE & MM's) but we haven't found a solution except not to give in that first time.....
All I know is that I WILL keep going and I WILL keep working out and I WILL get this weight off and the way to do that is to exercise, eat healthy and drink all of that water then I WILL see TBS.. I will not listen to Evil Eva or Moaning Mona, they do not know whats best for me... I let them have their way for way to long...

Yes, this is ALL about ME!!!

I've come to the conclusion that I have become VERY self centered in the last 2 years..I even named this blog ME, MYSELF & I how self centered is that?.

For the first time in my adult life there is only MYSELF to take care of and to think about. The Kid has her own family, altho I am there for her if she really needs me.. I no longer have a husband or significant other to take care of....so there is only ME...I've taken care of everyone else all my life but haven't done a very good job of taking care of MYSELF, which is apparent when you look back at how I looked and felt 2 years ago... I was way overweight at 235 pounds. I couldn't even walk up a few stairs without having to stop and catch my breath. Couldn't shave my legs because I couldn't bend over that far...I was missing out on soo much in life... I felt like I was 100 years old and moved like it especially first thing in the morning... The Kid used to laugh at my "shuffle" but my knees hurt soo bad that was all I could do. I cut my own hair, badly now that I think about it. Didn't wear make up and should we talk about the old lady clothes I wore... or even worse wearing Lar's shirts (which were 3X). I told myself that it didn't matter what I looked like. I was doing more important things by taking care of Lar. But now I think about how much better I could have been for him if I had only taken care of myself too at the same time... He didn't ask me not take care of myself... It was just an excuse to take the easy way out... any hooo..back to being Self Centered...
It seems like I can't have a conversation with anyone nowadays with out it coming back to ME and my new way of life... I can't seem to quit talking about it... True most of the peoples that I converse with are in the same mind frame as ME , like at the gym and #1 Niece... but then there is The Kid, she is so patient with me... I know that she must get sooo tired of all of our conversation always coming back to ME... I just can't seem to help myself..

I look at MYSELF in the mirror and I see someone who looks healthy and someone who is taking care of herself. I get my hair done regularly, won't think about leaving the house with out mascara and blush. I wear clothes that are flattering to me (at least I think so). When I look in the mirror I can actually see some defination in my shape... love those collar bones and my shoulders and the beginning of a six pack (whoaaaa)... My legs (which I shave all of the time) are getting smaller & firmer ...I have thrown away all of my "Granny Panties" and now wear thongs (yep, I shave there too!! Who'd thunk?) and let's not forget the 4" heels. wooohooo... Not bad for a 55 year old woman...

I can't seem to convince MYSELF that it is wrong for ME to feel this good about MYSELF... Damn I've worked hard in the past 2 years to get where I am today... and I still have lots of work to do to get to TBS...and if I don't think about ME, MYSELF & I who will?

Two things in Kyra's blog today got me to thinking... she is talking about a theory (not hers) about whether we really need to exercise ....
" The proper way to live a healthy life is to only do what is necessary for the life you lead. What this means is, unless you play some sort of sport or something, regular exercise isn't only unnecessary - it is a waste of time. A narcissistic pursuit that is not only wasteful to your own day, but to your productivity and the people your time would be better spent serving (like time with your children or spouse, or even the dog.)"
Now what really jumped out at me in this comment were the words "narcissistic pursuit" ...and I thought to myself... yep that is me!!!! I'm all about how good I look!!! Why the heck not... I was ashamed of how I looked for 30 some years..As for it being "wasteful" well again ... how can something that makes me feel good be considered wasteful? And by exercising that makes me more fit so I can enjoy the time with my family longer...

the second one was "The principle in all of this is to make better use of your time on this planet by not being so self absorbed with your fitness."
I wasn't "self absorbed" in my fitness for 30 some years and look where it got me.. 90 pounds overweight and miserable....

Another Friday night out with #2 Niece

It's Friday night and I'm standing at the bar of the outside patio with #2 Niece when I look down at the end of the bar and I see him.. He's young, I'm thinking to myself maybe in his early 40's, fairly tall, about 6 ft, stocky built, more muscle than fat, has dark blondish curly hair, not too long but not short either, he's wearing jeans and a long sleeve dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows, NICE. Our eyes meet, he smiles at me and the smile continues in his eyes. My stomach gives a little flip. I smile back. I notice he has a cast on his hand so I motion to him pointing at my hand and asking the question "what happened?" He makes a motion with both hands indicating a break.. I give him a sympathic look and then turn back to speak to #2 Niece...

Not too much later I am coming back from the restrooms with #2 Neice, when we get separated. I see him leaning against the doorway of the outside patio with a beer in his hand watching me walk across the room. He smiles at me again... I walk over to him and the first words out of his mouth are "you are soo pretty". I thank him and ask how he broke his hand... He tells me "in a fight" then proceeds to tell me that is what he does for a living... Bare knuckle fighting... for some reason this really turns me on... I say to him that I would love to come watch sometime.. He goes on to say that he won't be fighting for awhile since he just had pins put in his hand.

We carry on the usual bar conversation.He tells me his name is Steve, I tell him my name. He tells me he is divoriced. I tell him I am widowed, he says how sorry he is. I tell him I'm learning how to deal with it... I ask him if he comes here often, he tells me this is his first time. He keeps saying how pretty I am.. I tell him I think he looks really good too.. He asks if there is any possiblity that he could take me home. With regret I shake my head no, and say sorry if that's what he is looking for then I'll keep moving on. He smiles, puts his hand on my arm to keep me there and tells me that he did come looking but it's not important now. I start looking around for #2 Niece, he asks me who I'm looking for. I tell him my niece and ask him if he has seen a pretty girl with long red hair... he tells me.. "I haven't been able to look at anyone else since I first saw you" Ok my stomach just did another flip. I forget looking for #2 Niece...

We talk some more and he makes me laugh about something silly he says. It feels comfortable standing and talking to him. He asks for my phone #. I give him my cell #. He pulls his phone out and calls my # and leaves a message (it back in my truck) with his # and says call me when you get home so I'll know that you are safe. I look at him and finally say something about how young he is... He then tells me he is 35 years old... My heart stops... all that flashes in my mind is... I was 20 yrs old when he was born... OH MY GAWD....how could I even think about getting to know someone that young..I start to leave and again he puts his hand on my arm staying me.. He tells me he likes older women, he was brought up by a single mother and his 2 older sisters. His wife, who he has been divorced from for a year, is 41 yrs old... I tell him when he sobers up he will think differant.. He tells me he has only had 2 beers all night... All I can think about is how Crazy I am to even be imagining being with a 35 year old.... but Damn I really like him.....How did I become sooo old? And why can't guys my own age be this good?

#2 Niece comes up to us about this time. I introduce him to her... His eyes never leave mine... He tells me it's time for him to go... to be sure to call him.. leans over and gives me a quick kiss, then walks out. I watch him thinking HOt Damn girl... what are you thinking? I'll tell you what I was thinking... I was thinking about those Nora Roberts books that I read, fantasizing about all the things I could do to that boy.... Ohh I'm soo bad.

Any way ... I get home about 3:30 am after taking #1 niece home and I call the # he left on my cell. It goes to a voice mail so I left a message... And he hasn't called back... but you know if was fun FANTASIZING...
And I'm learning that just because you give your phone # to a guy doesn't mean that he is going to call you....
Oh well. I'm still having fun and I really felt pretty for awhile...Not a bad thing!!!