Where has the confidant vibrant Sexy Sue gone? Instead I see in the mirror this old lady that just looks depressed....sure every once in a while I see a hint of the old Sue...mostly weekends when I'm backpacking/hiking...but once I'm back home it's like that Sue goes away and instead I have this new personna that I can't even get up enuff gumption to name...
This person that is in my body now has no confidence, doesn't care how she looks, is satisfied to sit in front of the TV and eat all day (if I let her)...It's been a real struggle to keep her from controlling my life totally...but with each set back..she is getting stronger...
I get up in the morning with all these plans in my mind but then for one reason or the other nothing happens..I just can't get motivated to do anything constructive...
I'm still out of a job (it's been a full month now)...part of the reason (I just came to this realization at 4:30 am today) is that I'm afraid to start a new job...what if they don't like me? what if I don't "Fit in"? What if I'm too stupid to learn new things? What if I get knocked down again? I'm too old to do this!!! Hell, I haven't even applied for unemployment like #1 Niece keeps telling me to do...Why???? For no good reason...I just keep thinking something will fall in my lap...and I'll find the perfect job for me..but this morning I've come to the conclusion that my luck has ran out.....my guardian angel has taken leave of me.....and the only way I'm ever going to get a job is to start all over again...back to square one AGAIN....so it may not be the job I really want (which is WHAT?) and the pay may not be what I want or need but at least it would be something...
Nothing has came of the on line jobs..and the one staffing company I signed up with last month hasn't came through with anything....all my other ideas seem to fizzle out too...
I'm half way to getting my Personal Trainer Certification thro the internet...still have to do the hard part...the essays.. I have these big DREAMS but don't know how to incorporate them into being REAL...but I guess there is enuff of the SexySue in me to keep trying...
I just keep wishing I could turn the clock back to September and slap myself when I thought about making that big change .....I loved my old job...just hated the pay...now what do I have?
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2 comments:
Hi I am a lurker (Rachael) who has been reading your blog for a while now. Sorry to hear it didn't work out with the new job. Here's my two cents....
Think if of this period as a time to recharge your batteries and take the time to spoil yourself. Sauna at the gym (if you have one?), bubble baths etc. Go sign up for the benefit, it will bring some money in. You are allowed to feel down but try to see this as a mini holiday at home where you can get some of those 'roundtoit' things done. I know it will work out for you :-)
Hey Sue ---- you have YOU! The most important thing in the world. As we both know, this moment we are in is the only one we really have for sure. You have accomplished so much since Larry died - you set goals and met them, you have accomplished some REALLY fantastic things. Your fitness goals for instance, those are some of the toughest going. These times are tough but you are more than equal to the challenge --- go on apply for unemployment and then have some fun (if you can)
I remember a time (a very long time ago) when I was out of work and just worried around about getting a new job, which I did of course. I remember after I started working again that I thought, "geez, why didn't I enjoy my time off more?" Just a reflection for your consideration. I have been visiting you here for a long time now and I believe in you ---- YOU are one of my role models for how much you have believed in yourself and met your goals. My heart is with you. Hugs, Suzann
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