If only I could look & be young again!!!

I think in the back of my mind I've always thought if I lost "the weight" I would be cute... now why I thought this I don't know since I wasn't all that cute when I was young and skinny. Skinny meaning that I weighed somewhere in the 120's when I was a teenager....a size 12 in those days... I don't ever remember anyone telling me that I was "cute" or "a knockout" .... I wanted to be but I wore these really thick glasses, being almost blind, and I think I had a really hateful look on my face most of the time (I was a "troubled teen")...I didn't date much, but did have a reputation for being "wild"... I was always "the girl from the wrong side of the tracks"... I never had "nice" clothes, never took care of myself, had long scraggly hair being a teenager in the 60's. I wanted to be a "flower child" but never felt like I fit in there either. The closest I came to was after "The Kid" was born and I lived with my younger Sister, who was a "hippy" and still is to this day.. I went along with what she was, kinda like a free ride...listened to her music, did the drugs with her (this was in the 70's, we all did drugs....), hell she would even bring guys home for me, since I stayed home and took care of the kids (Jason, The Kid & #1 Niece) while she worked and I collected welfare...

Come to think of it I don't think I have ever been what I wanted to be, but what whoever I am with wants me to be... My 1st husband was a cowboy, so I listened to country music, even wore cowboy boots... never had a thought of my own.. until I got preg with "The Kid" and moved out.... Then I started to hang out with the Sister and I became her shadow. Then after Jason died, I went off the deep end and became a drunk & a whore (did a lot of things I'm not proud of ), until I met Lar. I think the one thing I really loved about him was he was the first person who saw the real me (after all he was my other half, my soul mate)... and he thought I was "Sexy" .Now he never said I was "cute" but he truly thought I was "Sexy" but then after awhile I seem to have lost that person he saw when we first met... not sure where she went but I became a caretaker, not that I regret one moment I spent with him. Now truthfully if I stop and really think about it , there have been short periods of time in the last 23 years that the "real me" Peeked out...The time I went from 275 #s to 175 #s around 10 years ago... It seems like the only times I really came close to being who I want to be is when my weight is down... soooo no wonder I'm thinking if only I lost all this weight I could be "cute"...
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Soooo here I am in a size 10, smaller than I've ever been in my adult life, and what do I see when I look in the mirror? If I don't look to close I do see "Cute"...I no longer wear glasses (except for reading) I had RK when I lost that weight 10 years ago. I love my hair, its short, "rocket fire" red, my clothes are soo much fun (I love Ross's") I dress for me and I think I might even be a little "Cute" in my tight size 10 pants and my 4" heels...
but Then If I look close, I start to see the "crows feet" around my eyes, the "puckers" around my mouth, the "chicken wattle" under my chin... all signs of AGE...and I don't think losing weight will change that, now the only way I'm going to get rid of these signs is with plastic surgery.... and that is definately not for me... so I guess I willl have to learn to live with these signs of age... after all I am 55 yrs old... yep, I do have to keep reminding myself that because since I've lost this weight I don't feel that old... I feel that I should be in my early 40's ... where oh where did the last 15 years go? On the realistic side of things I know that although I can lose the weight I can never bring back my youth, but I sure as hell can slow down the aging...
Now if I could only get rid of this worry about looking like one of those "old gray haired Ladies" that dress and act way to young for age.......oooohhhhh nnnnnooooo nnnnotttt that!!!