Pride Or Conceit?

This morning as I was getting ready for work I looked in the mirror and said to MYSELF...
"Damn, girl you look hot today"...then this lil voice (Evil Eva) said to me "Don't be conceited"...
It took some of the wind out of my sail...then I thought why listen to that voice..I like feeling like I look good...it seems all my life just when I am starting to feel good about how I look someone has told me not to be conceited...I remember as a kid my Mom telling me that anytime I would say I was "cute too". In truth she probably only said it once or twice to me but for some reason it seems like more and it made me very insecure about the way I look...making me wonder if what I see in the mirror is really what everyone else sees...as an adult I've had to contend with Evil Eva (my own insecurities) telling me that no one likes a conceited person... But I ask you this IS it really conceit or it is Pride in how I look ....and is it really sooo bad?

So any way when I got to work this morning I looked up the words Conceit & Pride in the Webster Dictionary and it said:
Conceit - 1. an overdeveloped opinion of ones abilities, personality or worth.
Pride - 1. A sense of one's own proper value or dignity..
sooo where does that leave me?

And talk about coincidence....When I checked my emails this morning there was a newsletter from eDiets and lo & behold there was an article on this very subject...(funny how things work like that)
"10 Things to Help develop a Sense of Pride"..it talked about the differences between Pride & Conceit...not a bad article..

Of the 10 things listed Six of the them I pretty much do or at least try to do each day.. I've changed the order of them to what is most important to me...

1. "Beware of your Inner Voice...If all you hear is negativity, then all you'll get is negativity."
I'm a firm believer in the more you tell yourself you can do something, the more you'll be able to do it...so maybe if I keep telling myself that I look good (and not listen to Evil Eva), I will start to believe it truly...Fake it til you make it is my motto.

2. Do Something everyday for yourself because you are worth it...besides the obvious of going to the gym...I like to do any of the following...take a walk, read a book, paint my nails, call a friend, buy a candle or flowers for myself.

3. "Gather evidence of Successes. Instead of looking at things you haven't been able to accomplish on your to do list- look at the ones you have been able to do- Keep mementos of accomplishments where you can see them."
Ok Done that...my awards & trophies on my 5K's & 10K's that I have placed in is on the wall and on the top of the stand in my entryway at home...I also have my postcard picture of me at the finish line on the P'tree Road Race on my wall here at work...this encourages me to know that I can do what I used to think was impossible...And yes I am very PROUD of them and MYSELF for what I have accomplished this past year...

4. " Surround yourself with enthusiam. Make it a point to be around people who pump up your self esteem and try to stay away form those who bring you down"...
This one is easy for me...When I go to the gym I am surrounded by people who encourage me daily...and my family..#1 Niece, #2 Niece & The Kid are very encouraging... Even Bubba told me last night that I look Skinnier....is he not the greatest Grandson alive....

5. "Keep your compliments. Don't break off or negate compliments sent your way. Say thank you and accept the praise." This one is hard for me but I'm learning. Usually when some one compliments me that lil voice (Evil Eva) will tell me not to get a big head or be conceited sounding so I will say something like "I still have a lot of weight to lose" when someone says that I'm looking good...or "I've had this thing forever" when someone compliments me on what I'm wearing...But I read an article not to long ago that says when you do this you are telling the person that complimented you what they say doesn't count and that discourages them on complimenting... and since I am a great one for complimenting people on things that I really like and I mean it when I compliment someone what makes me think that someone complimenting me doesn't have the same feelings.... so now I make an effort to smile and thank that person...and if they are complimenting me on something I wear..I will usually say .."Oh yeah, this is one of my favorite things too"...it's not that hard to do IF I don't listen to "Evil Eva" (back to #1 on the list)

And last but not least
6. "Respect your Mistakes. Instead of dwelling on your past faults- learn from them and use them to your advantage by trying a different approach the next time."
Still working on this one...

What this all really has to do with whether I'm conceited or just proud I'm not sure but I thought it was worth writing here...

I am SOOO Damn Clueless!!!!!

I just finally went online and checked out the "Club" that Lionel told me about....
NO FREAKIN' WAY!!!!

I'm soooo glad that I didn't give him my number....
This club is for "Swingers" damn...I didn't know they still had them.... I guess that just goes to show that I've been out of circulation way to long....
What a Weirdo....or maybe I Am.....

Now I'm wondering if I'm putting out signs that I'm that type of woman...ok maybe I was once upon a time , a long time ago...but come on guys...I'm not that type of girl anymore!!!!!!

I can't believe I was that Naive....oh slap me in the head....I've got to get a real life here!!!!
This could be funny if it happened to someone else...NOT!!!!

so much for the good feeling...now I just feel dirty...Yech.....

THIS IS THE GOD'S TRUTH...THIS REALLY HAPPENED TO ME!!!!!

Monday night after work I'm walking to my truck (I always park at the far end of the parking lot) and I see this guy on a motorcycle looking at me go by on the road next to our parking lot...all of a sudden he turns the bike around and heads for me..I figure he needs directions..this seem to happen to me a lot, people asking directions...so I stop and wait for him...

He pulls up and says "You are soo Hot I had to turn around and come talk to you...Are you single and do you like younger guys?"
Well....I of course get this big smile on my face...meanwhile he's getting off the bike and he is a hunk...around 6'2" probably weighs around 200, built just like I like them ...lots of muscle...be still my heart...he then takes off his helmet and I see he is REALLY young...good looking as all get out.... but YOUNG...I can't seem to get the smile off my face...
He says "I love the way you look in that skirt...you are soooo SEXY" (I'm wearing my black flirty skirt that I love with a cranberry top and my 4" heels. First day I got to wear my heels since I twisted my ankle hiking, and yeah I did feel sexy and I was probably walking like I felt sexy...it's hard not to do when I'm wearing my heels).
He puts his hand out and says "I'm Lionel" I shake his hand...(he has a really nice handshake)
I finally find my tongue (I think I swallowed it for a minute when he got off his bike...ohhhhh)
and I said "I'm Sue and Yes, I AM single and of course I like younger guys, what woman in her right mind won't.... but just how young are you?"

He smiles back at me and says "28" (OMG...28!)

I laugh and tell him "I have children older than you"
He laughes back and say "But I'm not your child" (NO KIDDING) "

I'm having a hard time believing this is really happening and I really can't take it serious so...I asked him"Why me? Do you know how old I am?"
He says "Probably in your early 40's"
I laugh and tell him "I'm 56, that's twice your age"
He says "Even better!!!...you look really fit (FIT?) and I think you are one sexy lady"....
We talked for 15 mins or so ...he wanted to know what I was doing next.. I told him I was on my way to the gym to play racquetball.. He asked if I ever go to "clubs" and told me about one he goes to in Atlanta every Friday night and said that if I won't go with him, I should at least go check it out...(That's not going to happen!!!).
We finally said our goodbyes (and no I didn't give him my number, I can't seem to get over the age differance) he said he was going to be dreaming of me at night...I knew I would be dreaming of him, I might not even wait for night...LOL...

Even after 2 days I can't seem to get over the fact that some young STUD (a good looking one at that, one that could have any girl that he wanted) would want to be with ME....This would never have happened to me a few years ago...Talk about giving a girl's ego a really big boost...wooohooo...I'm still smiling just thinking about it...

I'm not sure what's going on with these young guys anymore.. I'm on myspace.com and have my picture posted and I get more guys in their late 20's early 30's emailing me than I do guys my own age...And they all tell me they are serious...that they find older women sooo much more interesting than girls their own age...It's kind of scary!!!! but also kind of gives me a thrill ...

Altho I'm finding there are also alot of guys out there too (online) that like large women...I've ran into some of them but don't respond because DAMMIT.... I don't consider myself one of those Large women any longer....I'm Fit, Lionel said so!!!!

What was I thinking?

Let me just state this for the record ....YES, I AM A PROUD PARENT...

Yesterday The Kid was looking at my site on myspace and she noticed that on my profile under Details for Children I had put that "I don't want kids" Needless to say this set her off...she told me that now she REALLY knows how I feel about her (her feelings were hurt)...

Now first off I have to tell you that I really hate filling out these things (I kind of Zone out while filling them) and they always ask things that don't relate to me....And I'm just plain NO good at it....

I had 6 choices to chose from : the 1st one being "I don't want Kids" the 2nd "Someday" 3rd "Undecided" 4th "Love kids, but not for me" 5th "Proud Parent" and the last "No answer"....
Why they put "Proud Parent" near the bottom is a mystery to me...it should have been the first to choose from... I'm not sure why I chose the 1st one..I was probably thinking I didn't want to go out with a guy who wanted to have more kids....I'm way tooo old for that...
I figure once you have had the perfect child you don't want to tempt the gods by trying for more (buttering up to The Kid here LOL). Just my luck the next child would be just like me...OH NO!!!

I really lucked out having The Kid, she was not only the most beautiful child in the world (I have pictures to prove this, maybe someday I'll post them) but the best natured too...(altho #1 Niece will probably tell you some stories about her otherwise) and YES I've always been PROUD of her..even when she gave me trouble when she was a teenager I was still so Proud to be her MOM...

I'm not sure she was always proud of me. I used to worry alot about her being ashamed of the way I looked and acted...but now I think I understand that it isn't all about looks, its' about how you feel about a person and how that person feels about you... The Kid could have been the most deformed child in the world (thank god she isn't) and I would still be proud of her.. She is the best daughter a Mother could ever ask for... She has been and will always be there for me when I need her..and ditto for me...

I'm proud of the Mother that she has become to Bubba & Lil Bit. I'm proud of how she embraces life and doesn't let anything keep her down (at least not for long, after all she is only human)... She is dealing with some rough times right now with her ex but I know she will do what is right for Bubba and stay true to herself...

As a PROUD Mother let me tell you that daughters don't come any better than MINE!!!

Shopping!

No, I'm not shopping for clothes..but I'm thinking about going camping with the Alanta Outdoor Adventures group over the Labor Day weekend...but before I can do this I have to buy a sleeping bag (I need one for the Zoo overnight thing anyway) and a tent...now I thought that this would be no problem. That maybe I could even just go to WallyWorld and pick one up..Well, think again..They do have sleeping bags and tents but whoa...they are all soooo heavy....
Nothing is easy in this day and age...
Part of the problem is I'm thinking if I really like this camping thing and I get fit enuff that maybe by next summer I can start backpacking (a dream of mine forever)...so if i'm going to spend any monies on a tent and sleeping bag then I want them to be light enuff so I can carry them next summer...

So I went on line to Bass Pro to see what they had to offer...Who knew there was soo much to know about buying a tent... or a sleeping bag... So after reading all this I thought I should check around some other sites to see what they have to offer..(trying to be an informed consumer here LOL)

I think I've narrowed it down on what I want at REI Outlet.. This tent or even this one and I really like this sleeping bag ...but I'm hesitating on ordering them because I want to see what I'm buying BEFORE I buy it...I know freinds tell me that when I buy on line that if I don't like it or it isn't what I want then I can send it back...but with me..once I have something I KEEP it, even if it's not what I want...I'm just no good at sending things back!!!!!

So my plan is to find a store that has the same items so I can see them and then go back on line and buy them...or now that I have all this knowledge on what I'm looking for I might just find a sale..this might be more fun shopping for than going to Ross's (which I haven't done in over 2 months....pat on the back for me) ...

Now that's what I call an adventure!!!!!

I got up early this morning to meet up with the new group for the hike today...
Only 8 people showed up..6 women and 2 men...Bruce our leader said that 18 had signed up and by 8 oclock yesterday 6 of the men had cancelled for one reason or the other...we had 4 no shows this morning...so it was a very small group that got into 3 vehicles and headed North to Walhalla SC. I rode with 2 other women, Cindy (in her 40's) who hikes with my other group (the FunHikes) and Dana (in her 20's) this was her first time hiking with any group..they were both nice. We had a nice time getting aquainted on the 2 hr drive to the trail (Dana drove)...
When we got to the trail, everyone (but me) sprayed down with bug spray and we headed out on our 4 hr hike (LOL) unaware of how much of adventure it would turn out to be...
The first part of the hike went smooth, we hiked about 2 miles to a waterfall. It was really beautiful...We took a 15-20 min break there and then we headed back up the trail to go to some rapids and another waterfall...
We had been hiking for about another hour and as will happen we had split up into 2 groups. Bruce, David, Cindy & I were about 200 feet ahead of the other 4 (Dana, Michelle, Dusty & Karen)...when all of a sudden we heard screaming...we rushed back to see what the matter was...all of the girls were screaming and beating on themselves...They had disturbed a nest of Yellow Jackets and were covered with them...we got them up the trail and all the yellow jackets off and were treating them for multiple stings ...We were discussing how we were going to have to come back that way after we got to the waterfall..so Karen decided to mark the trail so we would know where it was by putting a big rock on an old log...well, when she did this she disturbed another nest of Yellow Jackets...altho this swarm wasn't as big as the last it still swarmed over every one...we finally got everyone moved down the trail some more and all of the bees beat off from everyone and took a look at who had been stung...Every one had a least one or more stings (Michelle got it the worst) EXCEPT ME...I had not had one yellow jacket land on me the whole time altho I was in the middle and helping beat off the bees off from Karen & Michelle..Weird....
After a break to treat everyone again and to get Karen calmed down we started off again....We climbed up and had probably gone another mile or two when Michelle lost her footing and fell off the edge of the trail...she slid down the side of the hill for about 50 feet...we got her back up and she was alright except for a bruise on her knee...but she was a real trooper and after a short rest was ready to go on. We climbed up and down some pretty steep trails until we saw the rapids...we had to climb down these wet slippery rocks to get to where we were going to have lunch....I took a spill and ended up on my butt not once but twice, the last time twisting my ankle under me...We ate our lunch there. .. The guys still wanted to go to the waterfall altho Bruce (who had been there before) said it was a pretty rough climb...so all of the girls decided to wait at the rapids while the guys did went on to the waterfall... by the time they came back we were into our 4th hour on our 4 hour hike and we still had to go back thro the yellow jackets (which no one was looking forward too)....
My ankle was sore but really only hurt me when I put my foot down a certain way, which slowed me down considerably...Michelle was having alot of pain from her stings and her bruised knee (from her fall) ..so we told everyone to go ahead and we would catch up with them when they stopped to rest before the spot where the bees were...It was slow but not impossible ...finally we caught up at the meeting place...and forged forward..we got thru the spot where Karen had put the rock on the log with no site of any bees...and thought we had made it thru the second area when all of a sudden behind me Dusty Yelps loud and I see Bruce in front of me start slapping at his legs...yep they had found us again...we just kept moving as fast as we could till we got our of their range....and started beating off the bees that were still on on Michelle, Dusty and Bruce...both Michelle and Bruce had bees going UP their shorts..And ME???? Not a single bee landed on me....and again I was in the middle....after much discussion about this we came to the conclusion it had to be because I didn't spray myself with the bug spray...either that or I am a freak of nature who Yellow Jackets don't like to land on LOL....
We were walking and saying how the worst was over when it started to RAIN...HARD...It got really dark and was pouring..poor Michelle wears glasses and can't see a thing without them and couldn't see anything with them. We were all drenched but didn't want to stop and try to wait it out sooo we kept going....Then all of a sudden we hear a big dog start barking across the way....and I swear I heard a gun shot....We all look at each other and in one voice we all said "DELIVERANCE"... I swear to God this really happened....needless to say we all cracked up and started to make jokes about the whole day...by the time we limped back to the cars we had been on the trail for over 7 hrs....and we looked it..I was one big mud pile..my white shirt no longer white....luckily I took a change of clothes (we were supposed to go out and eat after the hike) which I changed in the outhouse from hell...another story for another time....
So I left the house this morning around 7:15 and got home around 9 pm tonight...needless to say the first thing I did was grab a shower...and now I'm ready for bed...I think I'll probably sleep really well tonight....

Dang it hurts!!!

Last night at the gym after I did my stretching upstairs (which is VERY hot because the gym has decided for some odd reason to take away our fans which would at least cool off some of the sweat, this is where all of the cario machines are...now I ask you does this make any sense???) I did abs and while on the tower doing knee lifts I slipped off (my arms were way tooo sweaty altho I had wiped them down before I got on the tower) and hit my right upper arm on the bar HARD....I knew it hurt ALOT but got back on and finished all of my sets...went on and did a back work out before going to the Hip Hop class...Today there is a BIG bruise where I hit..I measured it and it measures at 4" across and 2" down..this thing wraps around my whole upper arm and is really ugly...I think its even swollen...can't tell if it is or if that is just muscle but it definately looks differant from the left arm... I don't want to go ask anyone if it looks swollen to them because then it will look like I'm asking for attention about my bruise...It's one of those DEEP bruises...black & blue right now but you know it's eventually going to turn green...gross...

I used to bruise real easy (especially my legs & butt) but not any more..I'm convinced it's all about how you eat...but some times TRAUMA to an area will bruise...I didn't think it was going to bruise because when I went home it was a little red but no bruise...I almost wish I could take a picture so I could post it here...
What is it with people and their WAR Wounds????

More fun things to do!!!

In my quest for differant fun things to do I have joined another group..this one is called Atlanta Outdoors Club...I'm going on a hike with this group this Sunday...it sounds fun..AND
the end of Sept I'm going to do an "Overnight Adventure"... this will entail spending the night at Zoo Atlanta...
The Itinerary: How does spending the night in the Living Tree House at Zoo Atlanta sound?!? During normal operation hours, you will find lemurs, monas, drills and birds around the Living Tree House. But, during the evening, we will be the only wacky animals at the Tree House! We’ll show up on Saturday around 6pm and participate in several things. First, we will have an animal encounter with one of the small animals, such as a chinchilla, snake, prairie dog, etc. Second, we will tour the Reptile House (snakes, alligator, amphibians, etc.) and also the Commissary (where all of the food is prepared for the animals). We will sleep on the floor in the Living Tree House, and Thermarest pads will be provided. There are bathrooms, but no showers. We will go on a tour of the entire Zoo in the morning after a continental breakfast.

Now call me crazy but this REALLY sounds like fun for me...something I have never done...and I love Reptiles. When we go to the zoo that is my favorite place, I could spend all day there..it will be neat to see it at night...So I signed up, paid my dues for this one and put it on my calendar...I can't wait....

I'm still checking out skydiving & rock climbing.... I have a friend at the gym who want to go tandem skydiving....and I'm thinking about it...now the thing is I have a fear of heights but I'm determined to get over it.... as for rock climbing....I've always been fasinated by people who do it...I remember when #1 Niece climbed a rock wall at the '96 Olympics events held here in Atlanta...I was soo impressed...I'm working on getting my legs strong enuff so I can do this myself..."G's"(the guy who I spent the weekend at Fripp Island with) younger daughter works at one of those rock climbing places and it's got me to thinking about trying it..maybe I'll go to Bass Pro and try one of thier climbs..they have various levels...I guess I could start out with the one all the little kids do...LOL....

Now if only I had the monies to go hot balloon riding...this has been one of my dreams for years, I've come close a couple of times but have never made it..actually I want to do more than just ride in one...I want to be one of the crew who helps set it up....Someday.......

The Quest for Motivation!!

Just got done catching up on Genuine's blog (one of my favorites)...and he talks about motivation for Mrs. Genuine....and it got me to thinking about how I have motivated myself over the last few years and how none of that seems to be working now...it's like "been there, done that, don't want to do it anymore!!!!"

I look around my office here and I see where I have posted all these little motivational poems and sayings..."Dream your Dreams", "Risk", "Your Day to DO It"...then there's the 90-day goal that I did the first of the year (5 things listed and I only made 2 of them)...does this really help or on days like to day only discourage me?

A few of the other ways I've motivated myself over the years (and they all worked for a time) ...
Joined eDiets.com support groups...haven't logged into them much lately...ever since they pressured me about becoming a moderator and doing my "Success" stories. I wonder if that is just an excuse and I've gotten tired of the support groups or that I'm just too busy here at work to log in.....hmmmm

Hired a personal trainer..this is one of the biggest things that helped me in the beginning..but I can't afford it anymore..but if I could, I would...I know there are those people out there that say if you want something bad enuff you will find a way...but truthfully I can't freakin' Afford it and do the other things I want...I know how to push myself at working out...I just haven't been doing it as much as I should...

Promised myself a new wardrobe/outfit...OK!!!! I have gotten WAY past this and buy what I want when I want...I have no control over my buying new clothes...if I see it and want it ....damn if I don't find a way to buy it right then...

Promised myself a Tattoo... so I did this one...but I got it before I reached the goal I had set for it..just because I wanted it sooo much..now I'm waiting to get to 159 before I do the next one....

Which brings me to the question...of Why do I set goals and rewards? To motivate myself..but then I give my self the reward before I reach the goal...so how is this going to help me?

Some people are motivated by reading stories of how others have reached thier goals in magazines...to tell the truth I find myself drawn to them and sometimes this does help me but more often it just makes me want to disbelieve....they always make those stories sound so damn easy...and we all know that's not true...so why should I even bother reading them...(except for blogs they're differant...they at least show the real story...that it is a struggle and that we are all human, not super hero's) ..

Tell myself that I want to look good for when I find that certain Man....but I think I look good now compared to how I looked 3 years ago... OH YEAH, I want to look EVEN better!!!

Write a blog ...wow, what a novel idea...so here I am ....looking to get motivated....

So what Motivates YOU?

Flashback

I went out last night with #2 Niece to Sweetwaters (a local bar) to support her friend Herb's band "Whiskey Vomit Shit" in a Battle of the Bands contest...Now as you can probably tell by the bands name this is PUNK rock and not exactly what I would call my type of music...more like loud yelling with lots of Loud drums and guitar...it all sounds pretty much the same to me but I do think they are good at it....I for one couldn't sustain the level of energy that is needed for thier performance...(btw Herb's band won...yay!!!)
Anyway watching #2 Niece (who looks so much like the Nieces Mom, my sister Linda with her long red hair) head bang to the music in a smoke filled room it flashed me back to when we were her age (in our early 20's) and we used to go out to bars and just plain party all night to good old rock n roll....I remember the energy we had, that feeling that this night was ours and the the world was ours to take....I could see that same energy in the crowd around me last night...the music might be differant, the way they dress might be differant but basically the young are the same no matter what...

I sat back and enjoyed just watching #2 Niece and her friends. And altho I envy them thier energy and zest for life, I don't want to go back to that time in my life. I'm pretty satisfied where I am...They have so much life to experience yet...they are just beginning thier lives...and I sound sooo old (well Hell I am old compared to them) and yet I still feel that I have so much life to live and experience myself...my priorties may be differant than they were 30 years ago but believe me I'm far from being done with this life....

What to do with my free time

I just got an email from my hiking group that the hike we were going to do tomorrow has been cancelled because of the rains in the area...Now why would a little rain keep us from hiking (I ask)...true it does make it a little hard to keep your footing..but now I no plans for tomorrow...not good... I was going to go to bed early so I could get up early but now I could sleep in until..oh say 7 or even 7:45 am (I have to get up by then the latest so I can call and get a racquetball court for Monday night)....that's like sleeping half the day away to me...I can't remember the last time I slept in on a Saturday...it might be nice..but then I'll probably feel guilty because I'm just laying around in bed...
I could go to the gym and work out, hit the hot tub and then go over and see the Grandkids afterwards....or maybe I'll mow the lawn...it really does need it, but I usually like to do that in the evening...but I do have plans to meet up with Lamont (my friend that I went to see Pirates with) for drinks tomorrow evening...oh sooo many decisions....I guess I'll just wait and see what I feel like in the morning....

Off to take a shower and go to bed!!!

Talk about music!!!

I watch very little TV but on Tues nites I make sure I'm home in time to watch Rock Star SuperNova ...last year it was Rock Star INXS and of course the one guy I couldn't stand won but this year I think my favorite actually has a chance of winning....SHE so ROCKS...I would pay money to go see her even if she doesn't win the spot with SuperNova...
From the very first show Dilana has grabbed my attention...not once has she given a bad performance...everytime I see her I think WOW....Not only is she a knock out in looks (I absolutely love her hair and yes that is face piercing) to me she can sing like no end....I can't help but rock everytime I hear her....and she is so damn sweet and supportive to everyone on the show....Nice, Cute and can Knock out a song!!! What more could SuperNova ask for...

My least favorite who also has a chance of winning is Lukas....he has had a couple of performances that I liked but I just think he's a spoiled brat personality wise....

If they don't get rid of Jill tonight I will be totally shocked...this girl has the stage presence of a toad....I'm not sure why they've kept her on so long....hopefully I won't have to be tortured with listening and watching (altho I usually get up and leave when she's on)... The time she sang with Gilby Clarke (who I think is way tooo cool and sexy looking as all get out) she tried the bump and grind with him and he called her out on it....I'm sure she is a short timer...thank god!!!

No one else really stands out for me..they are all nice looking guys & girls and can all sing but they just don't seem to really stand out like Dilana does....but then in my opinion no one can compare to her....

If you haven't watched this show yet be sure to tune in next Tues at 9 pm..you can tune in tonight but it's elimination night and I don't really watch much of it...besides it's on at 8 pm which a little early for me...

Music to my ears!!

Last night at the gym in the locker room while getting dressed to work out I was talking with two women who were changing into thier swimsuits for the water aerobics class. We were talking about our struggles to lose weight..now both of these women are on the large size, probably the size I was three years ago...One of them said to me "If I was as Skinny as you I won't have to worry any more".....WHOOOOAAAA....me skinny? No way....but then compared to them I am...I have said those words to others soooo many time but I never thought I would ever hear them in regards to myself....of course I said to her "No way am I skinny" thinking of those anorexic models..but then I realized that skinny could mean anything weighing less than the person speaking...and in that case I am "SKINNY" at least skinnier than some people and this wasn't always true...

It felt good to think that someone actually sees me not as a "fat person" and when I looked in the mirror I saw me standing next to both of these women and damn if I didn't look skinny....
or at least normal size...

Expectations & Reflections

I had the nicest time at the beach!!! I am so glad I decided to go, it was a good decision for me...
I met G at the Marta station at 7 am and he entertained me with many stories about his travels on the 5 hr drive to the beach...I think one of the things I really like about him is that he doesn't brag or doesn't try to impress a person with what he has done..(Just in case you were wondering, he didn't smell but I was prepared with lots of perfume just in case...I think that was one of the biggest worries I had) and he has traveled so much for his job...Some of the stories were about his time in England, the Netherlands, Scotland, Peru, France and so many more I can't even remember. His stories were very interesting to me and he has a good sense of humor which he inserts into his stories...

I like the beach house. It's a very relaxing place...After he showed me the house, I chose the Blue Bedroom to put my suitcase in. You could tell he was disappointed that I didn't chose the master bed room where he put his suitcase, but he handled it well by making a joke of it...this set the tune of the weekend..we would joke around about his expectations but there was never any pressure for me to change my mind...oh he tried (he is a guy after all) by kissing me but I never felt the time was right to take it any further and he respected that...so we just enjoyed ourselves by doing other things. We didn't ride the bikes, it was pretty hot and G doesn't like to stay in the sun for too long (he had a little bout of skin cancer a few years ago so tries not to get too much sun) During the heat of the day we ended up taking a nap, he in the chair in the living room (I think the drive took a lot out of him besides getting up early for the drive) and me in the blue bedroom where I rested awhile then took my book out on the back patio and read. After the naps, we took a drive around the island and he showed me all of the sights. One of the interesting things is all of the deer that roam free there, they are soo small and tame. Then we went back to the house and ate dinner. We had stopped at Publix on our way and bought spinach salad makings & bourbon soaked salmon. Niether one of us were impressed with the salmon, we would have been better off with a nice Salmon Steak, but since neither one of us had tried Bourbon Salmon before we dicided we needed to at least try it..After dinner we walked down to the club house where they had a band playing and sat on the beach and listened to the music and watched the sunset...it was nice and relaxing. We got back to the house around midnight and I said goodnight and went to bed (by myself)...

I got up early before sunrise (G was still sleeping) and went down to the beach. His house is real close to the beach but not on it. It was high tide so I walked as far as I could west thru the waves on the beach and when I turned around to walk back the sun was coming up over the ocean...it was so cool to see...I was wearing a net cover up over a bikini top and shorts and had only planned on walking but one of my fantasies has always been to run on the beach (like you see in the movies).. so I took my cover up off and ran. The breeze against my bare tummy felt so good and running thru the waves that came up was harder than it looks but felt so good on my feet...I felt so free running. I ran down until I started to come to people down by the club house, up to that time it was just me and the waves. Then I walked back to G's part of the beach and while walking I started to reflect about how I've changed.

I've always been pretty loose with my morals, being a child of the sixty didn't help, I was always a believer in free sex, never felt I had the right to say "NO" to a guy, that if I said "No" they won't like me or even worse they would be mad at me so at one time in my life (before Larry) I slept around alot with guys that didn't want me for anything but sex, didn't respect me or even liked me even tho I gave them what I thought they wanted...I guess you could say I have finally grown up But now there is a resistance in me to take a relationship to that step until I am ready and it feels totally right for me. I take pride in the fact that I respect myself enuff now to not just give in to the basic needs of the body but to expect more of myself and if a guy can't understand that then he's not a person I want in my life.

Later after G got up, we both put on our swim suits and went and played in the ocean for a little while.. then went back to the house and while he did some chores he needed to do...I took a shower in the outside shower and got myself all prettied up for the ride back, then took my book and just relaxed on the deck...We both need to get back to Atlanta early, he to pick up his daughters at the airport (they had been at a wedding in NJ) and I had plans to go over to a friend who just got back from a cruise...so we left around noon and had a pleasant drive back. We did stop in Macon to eat at a real Greek place that G knew of and I tried some Greek food that he recommended, I couldn't tell you the name of the food but I liked it...

Sooo G may not have the best body to look at (remember the duck walk/feet and the fact that he's short and dumpy)but I do think he has a very handsome face, pretty eyes, a great smile and a great sense of humor...but most importantly he's a really nice guy who seems to be grown up enuff to understand where I am right now.
We joked about how to top this second date..We are both pretty busy, he with his work, just buying a new house and getting his daughter ready to leave for college in NY state..me with my gym, hikes and 10k's but I think there will probably be another date in the future...

I'm going to the Beach!

So I made a decision on Weds to accept Gene's invitation to go to his beach house in Fripp Island on Saturday coming back on Sunday...when I asked him about his expectations of what he thought might happen this weekend his response was:

I would see the trip going like this. We meet someplace – here (not far from the tour location), there, somewhere in between – and go forth in my car. Mapquest says that the best way to get there from either place is through Macon and Savannah, and that’s my preferred route. I will show you around the house, the island when we get there. We can ride bikes (I have two old clunkers there), swim in the ocean, watch the sunset / sunrise, there is a small fitness center that we might be able to get into (it’s complicated), we would need to get food at the Publix in Beaufort and / or at the seafood shop near the island – depends on whether you want to cook or go out to eat – there are a couple of restaurants on the island, one not fancy, one as fancy as you want. There is a TV with DVD player, cable wasn’t working the last time I was there, don’t know why it had been before, as I wasn’t paying for it, some things are a mystery. There will probably be a singer up by the pool Saturday night.

There are six beds that you would fit in, 3 couches, two hammocks, take your choice. If I get too rowdy you can lock me on the porch with the hammock. (I probably won’t.) I would rather come out of the weekend with you as a friend than as a conquest,. I believe that anything that does happen should be with the consent of both parties. I’m not taking you there with a great expectation in that regard – I think I would enjoy your company, I hope you mine, I know we don’t know each other very well, I hope it will work out OK.

Not sure if I'm making a mistake or not but it won't be the first time if I am..and I know that I can take care of myself no matter what...

Besides this will give me a chance to wear my tanki on the beach...the only time I wear it is at the gym for the hot tub..hopefully I will get some sun on this lily white body of mine...I hear tan's make you look slimmer...teehhee..

Just how sexy am I?

I'm having a bad hair day today..also I weighed myself this morning and it wasn't good...so am I letting that get me down? Well, maybe a little..but the thing is when I look at myself in the mirror I see that my stomach is getting flatter, I stand straighter than I ever have before, I'm beginning to see curves where there used to be rolls of fat...my boobs are looking pert not saggy like they used to and altho my thighs are still big they look good to me in my tight pants...firm!!!and even the flaps on my underarms are getting less. So who do I believe the scale or my mirror?

There's not much I can do about my hair today but I'm sure tommorow it will look better (at least I hope so)...and if not tommorow then I'm sure in a couple of weeks it will have out grown the bad hair cut I got this past weekend...I'm not worried about it...Much!!
I do think that hair is one of the things that makes a person look sexy. I like the color now and am trying to grow my hair out to shoulder length...I've always wanted to be one of those women who go around with their hair swaying while they walk..too Sexy...

I believe that being sexy isn't JUST all about HOW you look but your attitude. I've seen some really BIG women who are sexy as hell and you can tell that is exactly how they feel...Some days I feel like there is no one out there sexier than me..I walk straight and swing my hips a little...I don't care if anyone is around to see me..it just feels damn good to feel sexy...that's why I dress the way I do...not to attract attention but to make myself feel good about ME...

So altho I'm having that bad hair day and my weight isn't where I want it to be today...damn it I'm still SEXY as hell...at least I'm striving to feel that way...for some reason I associate red with Sexy that's why I put on my red sandals and a red tunic with my black pants and white t'shirt this morning...I'm standing tall and swinging my ass when I walk down the hall....Who cares if I really LOOK sexy (good) I FEEL Sexy...

SEXYSUE RULES!!!!!

Dilemma

The dictionary says dilemma... A predicament that apparently defies a satisfactory solution....

Well that's exactly where I am with Gene, the combover guy that Esther & I went out with Sunday before last...he's emailed me a couple of times and called at night, we've talked...He really is a nice guy..I've TRIED to keep it friendly but not suggestive...I really won't mind JuST being freinds with him..but I haven't actually told him that I'm not interested in him romantically..He wanted to do something together last weekend and I made my excuses..he accepted it with no problem..but now he has asked me to spend the weekend at the beach in SC with him..He stated that his house (which is in a gated community) has several bedrooms and he does not expect me to share his (unless I wanted to)..Now the dilemma is because I really would like to go to the beach and be treated like a queen (which I know he will do) but I just wish it was with someone else..How mean is that?

I don't get the opportunity to go to the beach EVER..I have no monies this year to do it on my own and if I don't take this opportunity I'll probably won't get another one... but it just isn't right to use a guy like that..but then we all know how Shallow I am!!!

Anyhoo..I asked Gene to give me today to think about it and I will give him an answer by tomorrow.

Larry

FOREVER
Some people come into our
lives and quickly go,
Some stay for awhile,
leave footprints on our hearts,
and we are never, ever the same.
Flavia

A Quiet Weekend

Besides having Lil Bit stay the night Friday night and getting my hair colored and trimmed yesterday...it's been a quiet weekend, no hiking, running or even going to the gym (altho I did mow the lawn)..the first in a long time...so it's no surpize to me that I've been thinking about Larry alot today...it happens anytime I slow down or stay at home...It's really not a bad thing but it does make me ache with longing...I looked at the pictures of the years we were together and cried a little for myself..missing him...altho I realize I don't really need to look at pictures to remember him because he is always there in my heart...maybe the actual way he looked is getting foggy in my memory but the way I felt about him is as strong now as the day I realized I loved him, which was pretty much the first time we were together...

I sometimes question the reasons I decided to start dating again...it's not that I want to forget Larry or even replace him (that will never happen). I guess I'm looking for just a lil bit of what we had together and I'm not sure that will ever happen...Maybe it's too soon...Who knows?

I know that I have changed so much in the last three years not just in my looks but in my way of thinking. It seems like it is so all about ME now. I keep MYSELF busy so I don't have time to feel sorry for MYSELF, the only thing I have to feel sorry for is that Larry isn't here...and I really work hard at keeping MYSELF positive and up beat...doing things I enjoy like the racquetball, hiking and even the running helps...surrounding myself with freinds and family help...even escaping into my books help...but sometimes I just need to take that time and feel the ache of missing him, spend time remembering what we had...how I felt when I was with him..So today was GOOD...Something I needed!!!

Feed Them!!!!

I decided this morning to have my granddaughter Lil Bit who is 3 yrs old spend the night with me...she is so freakin' cute..Last weekend when I was over at The Kid's house Lil Bit told me she wants to come live with me...now I think what she really meant was she wanted to come spend the night..not sure if she really understands the differance...Her brother Bubba goes to his Dad's pretty much every other weekend so I feel that Lil Bit needs a special place to come to every once in awhile...I'm afraid that I'm pretty much busy most weekends but I decided that I need to make more time for her...she is growing up sooo fast.

One of my main problems with having the Grandkids over to my house is that since I've gone healthy there isn't alot of food here that they eat...Oh sure I ALWAYS have lots of fresh fruit but except for Bubba who loves pretty much everything I eat I worry about what to feed the lil angels...So at lunch I went to the grocery store to find something she would eat...now I know that she will only be here one night so I will only have to feed her breakfast but since I don't eat bread, I can't feed her french toast Or even regular toast and do I want to buy a whole loaf of bread just for 2 slices of toast...I have no flour so can't make pancakes besides that I don't have butter in my house either..I do have eggs..but what is scrambled eggs without toast...so I called The Kid and asked her about Pop Tarts...even after reading the Nutrition facts on these things (I know they are pure poision) but I felt that she needed something she would eat and I happen to know she doesn't like Rice Cakes (I tried them on her the last visit) anyhoooo The Kid told me she really likes Oatmeal for breakfast (who'd Thunk?) and she would send a couple of packets with her soooo all I have to get is milk...Breakfast taken CARE of!!!!!!

But then I get to thinking that she will need something to snack on....This is where I realize that my old habits are still ingrained in me....I start to think Cookies, Cheetos etc...I know that she doesn't NEED any of this junk but I still end up looking at it and I did buy a package of Newman-O's chocolate Creme Filled Chocolate Cookeis made with organic flour & sugar, organic palm fruit oil...telling myself that they are better than regular cookies..but they are still 130 calories for 2 freakin' cookies...And come on we know I really bought them for myself...sure I gave the kid a couple of cookies (and she did like them) but who do you think is going to eat most of them....Was I just looking for an excuse to buy Cookies...probably!!!! NO DOUBT about it because here it is 3 am and I'm thinking about having a couple...THERE'S A REASON I DON'T KEEP THIS JUNK IN MY HOUSE....I have NO will power to NOT eat it if it's here....Will I never learn? Will I always be looking for an excuse to buy things I know I don't need....(Evil Eva asks Why do I need an excuse anyway?)

What is it in ME that makes me feel this need to FEED people? I have no problem knowing WHAT to feed myself anymore but when it comes to the Grandkids I think that they Won't like what I eat so I have to get them all the junk that made me fat in the first place...What's wrong with feeding them what I eat...besides the fact that kids don't normally like ToFu or veggie burgers....And why do I feel that if they don't have snacks that they will starve or worse yet never want to come to my house? My own Grandmother never had snacks for us..she did have a candy dish with lemon drops and we were allowed ONE when we first got to her house and I still loved going there (mainly because she always had the Readers Digest and lots of books that I could read).... So I tell myself to get over it and to stop worrying about food and start thinking about what Lil Bit and I can do together for Fun....I think she will remember that I read her a story about the Velveteen Rabbit more than she will remember that I gave her 2 choc cookies....This is what is important...NOT Food...

Proof that I am crazy!

Altho Cliff doesn't blog much anymore I still like going to his site...mainly to watch the video Another Postcard by BareNaked Ladies.....It's a good way to start my day with a smile...
For some strange reason I absolutely LOVE this song and the video cracks me up...
Am I the only one here that just found this song? Has it been around forever and since I'm in my own lil world when it comes to music that I just didn't know it was out there...

The Art of Flirting

There is this guy at the gym that looks to be a Native American in his 40's, is built like a marine, not tall, stocky, muscular (but not overly) and has tattos on his arms. He has a really strong face, high cheekbones and is very bronzed colored (I can just picture him as one of the hero's in one of the romance novels I read)...He works out with another guy pretty much every day that I am there..I started noticing him a couple of weeks ago when I was upstairs doing my stretches looking out over the weight room...I'm not sure if he felt me looking at him but he turned around and looked up at me with a smile in his eyes. The next day he was there again and our eyes met again, we gave each other a little smile then went back to what we were doing...the next couple of days it seemed where ever I was in the gym he was somewhere close by..we started to nod to each other...then last week I got to the gym early and was reading my book in the car when he drives up in a red car and parks across from me...I swear he looked right at me and nodded...I smiled and nodded back..this past Monday, we got to the gym at the same time and as I walked by him he said HI...I said something dumb like "back at it again?" He smiled and said "yep"....I didn't go to the gym on Tuesday..but last night while doing my stretches I looked down and there he was..he looked up at me and smiled big at me and gave a little wave...I waved back....So where is this going? I don't know but it's kind of fun just flirting....

I actually like this picture

Yep it's me at the finish line on the Fouth of July after run/walking 10K...Whooohooo...

Except for the squinty eyes and squished up mouth this is probably the best picture taken of me in FOR EVER.... One of the main things that gives me the Big thrill when I look at this picture is that my Chicken neck and wings don't show and I actually look normal...not FAT..tooo coool...
I still feel good about it.

Adventures of Dating!!!!

I just got home from another on line date....Just to be on the safe side this time I took my freind & neighbor Esther with me...We set this date up for a twilight walking tour downtown Atlanta...my date is a volunteer tour guide and since I'm trying to get more into the history of the city I live in, I thought this would be a good date. I dressed in my white capris, white t-shirt, brown overshirt, brown leather flat sandals (flat because his description of himself said he was 5'8") lil white hat, white hoop earrings, gold necklace with medallion...in other words I looked good...From his emails I assumed he was very much in the monies, he belongs to the Atlanta Art Center, goes to symphonies etc and I was afraid I wouldn't be classy enuff for him...
Esther & I took the Marta train into Atlanta and met him....he was a nice guy BUT not for me (or Esther). The first thing I noticed about him was his COMBOVER (the breeze making it stand straight up, it was like out of a comedy show), the first thing Esther noticed about him was his DUCK WALK , and then we got close to him and realized he SMELLED, like he hadn't taken a shower in a very long time...it was not good...so we stood down wind of him and took the tour....now I do have to say he is very good at being a tour guide and he really was nice and a gentleman...
also my freind Esther is only 5'2" and this guy was just a little taller than her...no way was he 5'8"....
I am sooo glad that Esther went with me because I would think that I am just being picky about these guys....but she told me that there was NO WAY this guy was for me...she said he was WAY too OLD....he's 57 yrs old, 1 yr older than me...So we decided that I really need to start looking at younger guys in their 40's. And she said I was WAY TOO CLASSY for him....LOL!!! Needless to say we made our excuses to head back home as soon as the tour was over....

Oh yeah, funny thing happened on the freeway on our way home, as we were laughing about this date..i happened to look over and there is this really cute 30/40ish guy in a truck in the next lane, I smile at him, he waves and then starts flirting with me...I'm driving, Esther looks over at him and he starts to motion for us to pull over at the next exit....we are all laughing, I shake my head NO WAy...he throws us a kiss and takes the exit...we both just started to laugh...Esther said too bad he hadn't been our date...

I'm definately going to have to rethink this on line dating thing...I mean this is 3 dates in the last month and they have ALL been interesting to say the least...but not even close to what I want...but at least I am out there doing things...

Ugly

Found this on a website I was on and some reason this story really hit me today...it reminded me of an old dog I used to know...



The Integrity of Ugly

Everyone in the apartment complex I lived in knew who Ugly was. Ugly was the resident tomcat. Ugly loved three things in this world: fighting, eating garbage, and, shall we say, loving. These three things, together with a life spent outside, had taken their toll on Ugly. To start with, he had only one eye, and where the other should have been, was a gaping hole. He was also missing his ear on the same side. His left foot appeared to have been badly broken at one time, and had healed at an unnatural angle, making him look like he was always turning the corner. His tail had long been lost, leaving only the smallest stub which he would constantly jerk and twitch.

Ugly would have been a dark gray, striped tabby except for the sores covering his head and neck. Even his shoulders were covered with thick, yellowing scabs. Every time someone saw Ugly, there was the same reaction...That's one UGLY cat! All the children were warned not to touch him, the adults threw rocks at him, hosed him down, squirted him when he tried to come in their homes, or shut his paws in the door when he would not leave. Ugly always had the same reaction. If you turned the hose on him, he would stand there, getting soaked until you gave up and quit. If you threw things at him, he would curl his lanky body around your feet in forgiveness.

Whenever he spied children, he would come running, meowing frantically, bumping his head against their hands, begging for their love. If you ever picked him up, he would immediately begin suckling on your shirt, earrings, whatever he could find. One day Ugly tried to be friendly to the neighbor's huskies. They did not respond kindly, and Ugly was badly mauled. From my apartment I could hear his screams, and I rushed to his aid. By the time I got to him, it was apparent that Ugly's sad life was almost at an end. Ugly lay in a wet puddle, his back legs and lower back twisted grossly out of shape, a gaping tear in the white stripe of fur that ran down his front.

As I picked him up and tried to carry him home, I could hear him wheezing and gasping and I could feel him struggling. It must be hurting him terribly, I thought. Then I felt a familiar tugging, sucking sensation on my ear. Ugly, in so much pain and suffering, obviously dying, was trying to suckle my ear. I pulled him closer to me, and he bumped the palm of my hand with his head, then he turned his one golden eye towards me, and I could hear the distinct sound of purring.

Even in the greatest pain, that ugly, battle-scarred cat was asking only for a little affection, perhaps some compassion. At that moment, I thought Ugly was the most beautiful, loving creature I had ever seen. Never once did he try to bite or scratch me, try to get away from me, or struggle in any way. Ugly just looked up at me completely trusting in me to relieve his pain.

Ugly died in my arms before I could get inside, but I sat and held him for a long time afterwards, thinking about how one scarred, deformed little stray could so alter my opinion about what it means to have true pureness of spirit, to love so totally and truly. Ugly taught me more about giving and compassion than a thousand books, lectures, or talk show specials ever could, and for that I will always be thankful.

He had been scarred on the outside, but I was scarred on the inside, and it was time for me to move on and learn to love truly and deeply, to give my total to those I cared for.

Many people want to be richer, more successful, well-liked, or beautiful. But for me? I will always try to be Ugly.

--Author Unknown

Going back to Basics

Goals....sometimes I wonder why I set them..In the last three years I've set alot more goals than I've actually met...so does this mean I should stop setting them..Am I just setting myself up to fail?

Back on June 12th I set a goal to get to 161 pounds by the time I ran the P'tree Road Race...didn't happen...in fact I didn't lose any weight..I gained 3 pounds...Sure I did good for the first week but who knows what happened after that..I had such good plans and intentions....

If I really sit down and take a serious look at where I am, mentally & physically, I know what the problems are..and I can come up with these great plans on how I'm going to change it but when it comes to actually doing it for a period of time thats when things go awry and I get complacent... I tell myself that I'm not the only one that does this..but that is just an excuse...It's so FREAKIN' easy to make excuses and believe me I can come up with Lots of them.


I keep telling MYSELF that I know I can do this...I HAVE DONE IT IN THE PAST..proof of that is looking at myself in the mirror and not seeing a woman that weighs over 200 pounds...BUT I'M STILL NOT WHERE I WANT TO BE....

So back to Step ONE...When I first started losing weight and getting fit my main goal was to get thru ONE DAY at a time..one pound at a time...I told myself that I would only go forward...never backwards and time was not important...what was important was that I did my very best and IT WORKED!!!!
Then I started to set goals with time limits...for me this just doesn't work..it only frustrates me...the Evil Eva in me says "why even try...you know you will only fail" But I know I can do anything for ONE day so Back to Basic I go..

I know one of my BIGGEST problems is the mindless eating I do at home after I get home from the gym...I tell myself that I've tried everything to break this routine (not true there is always something else you can do) and I will do good for a week but then I'm right back at it...this has been a problem for over a year and I hear the lil voice in my head telling me that I can't change it..I'm out to prove that lil voice wrong...My motto for TODAY is "don't tell me I can't". I will conquer this problem.
I have moved Spot & Rover onto the kitchen counter..this gives me less room to put food on and every time I get something to eat I feel someone is watching me...I never have problems eating the way I should when there is someone is around...also I've started taking my amino's when I go to bed at 11 pm and I need an empty tummy to do that so I will Not eat anything after 9 pm...MY KITCHEN CLOSES AT 9 PM....I'm thinking about having a sign made up that says that...I've done good for the past 2 days/nights and my mantra is "all you have to do is get thru today"...

New Look

OK I'll try this again while I still remember some of what I want to say...Old age is hell...

I really am NOT in the mood to work today so I decided to goof around with my blog and see about changing the format..ie:template/Look...since I am getting tired of ALL Pink. Blogger doesn't have much to chose from (at least that I like) and I'm not talented or savy enuff to make my own template..sooo anyway I decided on this one (notice it still has some Pink) and when I went to save it I got this pop up that said something about if I did this I would lose all my additional programming...well the brain that I am (NOT) I chose to ignore that lil pop and and hit and went ahead and saved it..then when I looked at the new blog I noticed that all my links were gone....(hit myself in the head...that's what they meant)...so I've spent the last hour finding all my favorite blog sites addresses and adding them to my links....I know there are some folks out there that don't add links to thier site....but I like checking out all those links, you just never know what you will find...any way If I missed anyone...send me a comment (hopefully a nice one) and i'll add you...

Pink....I love all colors of pink and there are alot of them....it seems to have become my favorite color...i just can't seem to get away from it....I'm like a bee to a flower...Pink draws me in everytime...I have a closet full of pink clothes, lots of pink tank tops in my drawer...even some pink thongs that I love...at least 4 pairs of pink sandals and I drive a PINK truck...now the truck is not a titty pink or a pepto bismo pink...no it's a dark pink the color of the Crepe Mrytle flowers...there aren't to many trucks this color and I love it... I remember being young and being told that I couldn't wear Pink because I am a red head...well, I say Bullshit to that....I will wear any freakin' color I want...today I'm wearing this cool tank top that is kinda purple pink with lil black leopard spots all over it... I feel wild...but since I'm at work I've toned it down by wearing my regular jeans instead of my cool black capri pants...oh well....
I know there was more that I said before I lost the post but I can't remember (it was such a good post...damn) but I guess I've spent enuff time here and I had best go do some Actual work...

OHHHHNNNNOOOOOOO

I had this great blog all typed out (I was even witty in it) and then I hit something wrong and lost the whole thing.....I freakin' cannot beleive it...I'll never be that good again....oh what to do???????

WhoooHoooooo!!!!

I have sharp elbows....Yep...I have this bruise on my leg just above my knee and I couldn't figure out where it came from....then all of a sudden as I was sitting here doing some dumbbell concentration curls I realized that I was resting my elbow right where that bruise is...need to watch my form here...anyhooo I knew I have been losing that extra roll of fat over my elbow..yay!!! but don't remember ever having SHARP elbows..... The Kid always had sharp elbows...she used to elbow me all the time when she was young...I remember my Mom and older sister having REALLY REALLY sharp elbows, they used to get me down and elbow me..ouch....So now I've got the BIG Urge to go out and elbow someone...ROTFLMAO!!!! I wonder if #1 Niece is going to be home tonight....hmmmmm...no I'd better watch out there I think she has sharp elbows tooo....and she also takes Karate so she could get me down pretty easy...maybe I'll find someone at the gym tonight to elbow....oh Evil Eva is lurking...hahahhahahahhaha...

Responsibilty

I like to think of myself as responsible but I hate when I am made to feel that I have to do something or guilty if I chose not to do something even if it is only in my mind...
I have been a member of eDiets for over 2 years...I think it's a good site for those of us that are working on losing weight...I've used it mainly for support over the years...tried a couple of the diets...and used their fitness program when I first started...also have done some of the challenges..this past summer I've been using it less & less, mainly because I'm getting a life of my own and don't need the support as much..I still have some favorite friends from there that I like to keep tabs on but I get tired/bored of all the stuff that isn't weight loss related...a while back one of the gals asked me why I wasn't a moderator for the one site I'm on and I told her that I didn't want to be tied down/ commit to it at this time...Well, two weeks ago I received an email from eDiets saying I have been nominated to be a Moderator for the Men/Women/Exchange (MWX)....and at the same time I got another email from them saying that they wanted to feature me in thier Sucess Stories...I know this should be an honor but to me it isn't...it's just another way for them to sell thier program..true I think it's a good program..but I just don't want to do it... then they give me this tune about "paying it forward" that I could help motivate many people who are struggling..But to tell the truth...I feel that I HAVE Paid my dues...I've done my share of motivating the groups that I chose to post with and I have always felt that my story isn't that much differant or better than the majority of those out there...besides I'm not done...I still have a ways to go so how can I say I'm a sucess....I'll be a sucess WHEN I reach my goal and maintain it...but right now I am not even close to that...sure i've lost bunches of weight and i've changed my life around but I'm NOT DONE...
Sooo anyway...I've been feeling guilty about turning down both of the offers....The MWX has been good to me...I went up to NJ last fall and hiked with a couple of the guys on it...had a really good time..and it does need a woman moderator but I just don't want to be the one...we've had some problems keeping moderators in the past for a number of reasons...we're a very outspoken group...and it's not like I'm chicken to do it...I just don't want to...so Why do I feel like I need a reason to turn it down?...which I have already done...It just keeps popping up in my mind that I have a responsibilty to the group...It's made it where I don't even want to go on site anymore because I feel like I've let them down...not that anyone but Frank (the male moderator who nominated me) knows...and MWX will go on without me...
I guess I've Made my decision and I just need to get over it...get it out of my mind and not worry about it...but it keeps preying on me....damn...does this mean i really want to do it or do I just like feeling guilty?

How life changes....

Yesterday while on our run I was telling #1 Niece how busy I am now... what with the gym, hiking, going to the movies with friends...etc it seems like I'm always doing something and she reminded me of my post a couple of months ago when I (Moanin' Mona)was complaining bout how I have no friends..(April 17...Looking Back) ...Well, I realized that I made up my mind and I changed that...I quit feeling sorry for myself and went out a did something about it... I joined FunHikes...finally accepted an invitation from one of the girls at the gym..which has lead to making more new freinds and many new adventures..such as the Jazz Festivals, brunches, BBQ's, parties and even going to the movies like I did this past weekend...took the chance and actually met a couple of guys from the on line dating...ok so those haven't went over too good but at least I did it.. and i feel pretty good about myself...

I know if I REALLY put my mind to something I can DO it..
This past weekend I went with my friend Lamont to see Pirates of Caribbean...it was a good movie..Lamont is JUST a friend...I met him thru the group that goes to the Jazz festivals..he's young enuff to be my son and we have an understanding that we are just friends. I'm not his type and he's not mine but we have fun together..
Then Saturday I went on a hike with the fun hikes group and a couple of friends from the gym went with me...one of them ("T") has been struggling with her weight for some time and she said this is just what she needed to get motivated again. Then yesterday after my run with #1 Niece I met some girlfriends at Bahama Breeze for drinks & dessert...This group of friends I have made in the last couple of months are all pretty much singles and always has something going on...and if there isn't a planned something then all I have to do is call one of them up and we'll think of something to do...I haven't had this type of life in a LONG time..it's fun...I never realized how much I was missing out on life. There is sooo much out there that I haven't done..And the best part is I'm having the Best Time of my Life..even with the misadventures of dating...

Update on Mike!!!

So I cancelled my date with Mike on the 4th to watch the fireworks...and I took the chicken way out...I left him a voice mail and told him I had freinds from out of town and I was going with them to Stone Mountain and didn't think I would get back in time for our date and hopefully we could reschedule for another time...which is a lie...I did go see the fireworks with some friends but not the ones from out of town...I know, I know I'm BAD...

We spoke on the phone for a few minutes on Weds Night...I had left him an email and told him to call me after 9 when I got home from the gym...anyway he really seemed down...said he had a really bad headache...wanted to know if it was still a go for Saturday night...I told him that I am gong on the hike (I had told him this on Sunday night) and that the group I'm with also wants to go to Helen, which is one of those tourist traps in the mountains and I wasn't sure when I would get home (this is the truth)...he then told me to call him when and if I wanted to get together...soooo DO you think he took the hint?....

I feel soooo mean about how I treated him if I thought it would help I would probably call him and set up a date but I'm really afraid that if I did that I would never get rid of him and he would really be hurt...so I've decided to leave things as is...

I have been thinking I would email him and tell him that although I did enjoy myself on Sunday night I just not interested in him in the same way he is in me..
Lesson Learned....I think...

This is TOO funny!

Thanks to Kyra & Karl I got a good laugh this morning... Check it out!!!!

'What will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Me & 55K other people

Ran the P'tree race this morning....it was a blast and I did GOOD....lots better than I imagined...
Thanks to #1 Niece the stress of the Marta Transit ride was a breeze...She, the kids & I took a trial run yesterday to the Marta Station and got my tokens so I won't have to do that this morning and so I could make sure I knew where to go to catch the Marta since I've never rode it by myself before...this had been stressing me out more than the actual run...
Soooo anyway I went to a BBQ at some friends last night and got home about midnight...got all my stuff ready for this morning and went to bed to get some sleep...usually I don't sleep at all the night before a race but I slept right up to the alarm at 5...threw my stuff on and drove straight to the Marta..no problem...was extra glad I had gotten my tokens yesterday because there was a really long line waiting to get tokens..lots & lots of people wearing race numbers...and I got to go right past them right to the train with no waiting...I figured it saved me at least 15 mins if not more....sat next to a really nice couple and the train didn't really get crowded...we figured it was early enuff...got to the race site and found the port-a- pottys and waited in that line for 15 mins....you can always tell the newbies at racing once they hit the port-a-potty...tooo funny...then I went to my corral...yep they actually put corrals with a fence up for each group...did my stretches and got ready to wait for the starting gun to go off...Now this race is really more of an event than a race because as I said there are 55 THOUSAND people in this thing...and all along the sidelines there are people cheering us on ...bands playing ...and all sorts of things that you normally don't see, ALL in the middle of Atlanta....
Once I got out of the crunch and could run I felt pretty good....it's all flat or downhill the first 3 miles...and I had no problem with running, except for all the walkers that kept getting in my way...but that didn't even bother me...at 3 miles we came to what they call "The heartbreak hill" or Cardiac Hill...I've been hearing all kinds of things about this hill forever so was already planning on walking it since I thought it would be a straight up hill...but truthfully it was no worse than the climb at Hartwell Dam, which was a steady incline that killed me...and the good thing was once you got to the top of it then you got to run on an flat and a couple of downhills so I was able to make up my time and catch my breath....
I finished in 67 mins which wasn't bad at all for ME...and I feel pretty darn good about it...I got my T'shirt and headed back to the Marta station...met some really nice people...got to the Marta Station and who's there but the same couple that I had rode with on the way...and I met up with some freinds from the gym...how cool is that?
This is Another big goal reached for me....which is good since I'm doing so bad on the weight part...I'm glad it's behind me. Now I get to start looking for another challenge...

Accept me for what I am

I went on my second date (no, not with Stew, he's definately out of the picture) last night...This one was with Michael, the 51 yr old writer, who I've been emailing back and forth for the last couple of weeks..We went for a ride in his '67 Mustang convertable and then went out for a drink.

My dilemma is altho I really like his personality and we have a lot in common in what we like (but then I like so many things that's a given), it's his looks...I know I'm sooo shallow...I didn't realize this until last night but Looks really do account for alot with me...

Mike told me before we met that he looked differant from his picture because it was taken before his bout with cancer (which he says he is free from now). I really thought I could deal with it and accept him for who he is and not how he looks but I have to tell you it's Hard and I'm not sure there's enuff chemistry there for me to put the effort into it...I'm sooo shallow...
Because I did have fun with him we've already set up another date for tomorrow night...but this morning I'm having second thoughts...

here's the thing....due to the Chemo his teeth are really bad..rotten...like nightmare bad...he says he's planning on getting them fixed (I asked) but he's waiting for his insurance to set in...yet the man can spend thousands on redoing his car...do I really want to get involved with someone who won't take care of himself?...his hair is thin, long and lanky (again from the chemo) and he's lost all muscle tone so he's "soft"...Am I being too picky here?....For years I've said "I just want someone who will accept me for WHO I am, not for how I look" and I think that is probably where MIke is but then I think...would he have ever asked me out if I had bad teeth and was fat and sloppy (which I have been in the past)? So why should I settle for less than I want...but then I think, I really like his personality and we did have fun...

What is it in me that wants to "FIX" him? I don't think he would look bad if he got his teeth fixed, maybe shaved his head and built up some muscle..(oh yeah, he's pretty scrawny...tall and lanky)...
The other thing is I've told myself that I would never go with someone that I weighed more than...he probabaly weighs 145-150 and has terrible eating habits (as far as I can tell)...Now I keep telling myself that it's only one date...but I'm not sure he thinks that...He thinks I'm the sexiest thing around...whooohooo...and he wears glasses LOL....

Last night he asked me what I was looking for...a serious relationship or what..because he could see it getting serious..I told him that right now I just want to take it one step at a time and have some fun...I'm not sure I really made myself clear because I'm not sure JUST what I am looking for...except I know I want to do things and have fun...What worries me is that he is already making plans on what we can do together...Now those that know me ..know that I am a CONTROL Freak...if someone tells me I HAVE to do something...i'll set my heels in the ground and say no no no....I try not to be this way ....but that's just me...I like being in control of what I do...I know I know I can always say no...it's my choice..

So here's the plan...before I get any further involved with Mike I need to find a way to tell him how I feel about his looks without coming over like the shallow bitch I feel like today and see if there is any chance that he will make the effort to change...not for me but for himself..or if he even wants to make them...from last nights conversation I think he does...
I just don't want to hurt his feelings....I mean it's not like I am without faults (I just don't know what they are LOL) I'm far from being perfect and maybe there is someone out there for Mike that will be able to accept him for how he looks...I think I could handle it if it wasn't fixable...like maybe a really big nose or even a wart on the end...but teeth and hair..these things ARE fixable...Just like my losing weight...I did that for myself, so I could look and feel better about myself...Is this too much to ask for this soon? I feel soo shallow....

Spot & Rover

Growing up I remember we always had pets...there was always at least one dog (if not more)..lots of cats..we even had a parakeet named Pete for awhile...When The Kid & I moved in with Larry we got her a dog named Charlie, he was a Benji type dog...100% mutt...I think he was really Lar's dog...he loved going everywhere with him in the car...When we moved to Atlanta we brought with us Critter...he was part Bobcat and part barn cat, The Kid & her Grandpa had found him as a kitten at the ranch...there was an assortment of animals from Gerbils to all types of fish while she was growing up...only one I really felt was really mine was a Black Lab that strayed to the house here awhile back...he stayed for over a year and then left (it broke my heart)...at the time of Lar's death we had a black cat named Yoda (the Cat from Hell)..again she was really Lar's cat...loved to be where ever he was...and while he was in the long term hospital my Mom came and stayed at the house to take care of her and my plants... they became great buds..then when Lar died and I took up going to the gym and working I felt that it just wasn't fair to the cat to keep her so I sent her to Wyoming to be with my Mom..they are both happy..and I really didn't miss her...so I've been without a pet for over 2 years now...and I've liked it that way..sure I see puppies or a kitten and think how cool it would be to have a dog to walk/run with or a cat to lay around with when I'm home...but then I think of all the time I'm away....how easy it is for me to just pack up and go away for the weekend...nothing to tie me down....and know it's not fair to the pet. I cannot understand people who have pets and just ignore them after the new wears off...they are a part of the family...

Well, yesterday while at Wally World I ended up in the fish tank part and was looking at the goldfish...and there was this one that just kept coming to the glass and staring at me...he only had a couple of gold spots on him, was mostly white with black spots with these big black eyes...I could tell he hated it there in that tank...so I thought..Now here's a pet that I could deal with..if I get two he won't be lonely and all I'll have to do is feed him once in awhile and clean his bowl...and I have just the bowl for him at home ...Won't that look nice on my glass top coffee table in the living room... and I would have someone to talk to besides my plants WHEN I am home...I won't have to worry about him if I go away for the weekend and if I go for longer I can just pick his bowl up and take it over to #1 Nieces or The Kid's....tooo cool...so I bought Him and a friend...another white gold fish with gold and black spots but has a really pretty tail...fluffy..at first I thought about calling them Gus & Gerturde...but then the Kid reminded me that we had fish named that when she was growing up..then I thought Franki & Johnni but wasn't really happy with that when all of sudden it hit me...Spot & Rover...perfect...they seemed happy with the names too...swam in a big circle and kind of did a lil fish dance...
I've already had a lil conversation with them this morning and they seem to be really happy in their bowl with the really pretty pink plastic anemones plant that looks real and glows in the dark..they can swim in and out of it....
I didn't realize how just another living being would make me feel that much less alone...It give me a warm & fuzzy feeling....
(I think I've finally turned that corner where I really am crazy....LOL)

Moving Forward

Krya's comments & her thought provoking blog RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW has got me to thinking again....oh no, anything but that.... Life has given me many choices...it may not have seem like it at the time but they were there....from the very beginning...and only I could make them...whether they were right or wrong...I have to live with them and hopefully learn from them. I think back on some of my choices and see that they may not have seem the wisest or best choice at that time but they did set things in motion to make me the person that I am...

My first marriage lasted 5 years ...I chose to marry someone I knew had a drinking problem (history of alcoholism in a dysfunctional family) but I was so desperate for someone to love me that I overlooked all of that...I can see now that I was young (18 yrs old seemed so old then)...but the choice was mine ..the best thing that came out of that marriage is The Kid..and my memories of Jason, my son who died at 7 yrs old....and for that reason I would never wish that I could have done differant...
Even with Jason there was choice to be made...the doctors & my husband all tried to talk me into putting him in an institution when we knew that he was brain damaged and that he had a short life expectancy...and it would have been an easy choice but I chose instead to keep him with me for as long as I could...which was til the day he died in my arms at home...because of the choice I made I will always have those memories to cherish..
Even with The Kid there were choices to be made...when I found out I was pregnant with her I was in an abusive relationship due mostly to my husband inablity to accept Jason. When I told him I was pregnant he gave me a Choice...I could get an abortion but if I chose to keep the baby our marriage was over..it was anyway because he had found someone new...He did offer that I could stay with him and the new love until the baby was born (big of him wasn't it) Well....I chose My own way...I moved out at 3 months pregnant with Jason and gave birth to the most beautiful Healthy baby girl in the world...A choice I have never regretted....
I always felt like I was moving forward...I knew that life was going to be hard with a special needs (i like that so much better than brain damaged) child and an infant but I also knew that life with my husband at that time would be one of abuse and misery....I Know I made the right choice that time...

My life with Larry was filled with lots choices...from the time I met him to the day he died....I knew when I met him that living with a paraplegic would be hard at times...but again I knew that I had lived through hard times before and that I could do it...I felt like being with him I could Move Forward...And I did...With him I learned that someone could love me for who I am..and that feeling still makes me want to be all I can...and I have 23 years of memories to keep me going...

All these choice make me who I am today.... Some say I am a strong woman....I say I am just a Woman who has had to live with her choices (just like we all do) some good and some bad...but always Moving Forward.

Will I always make the right choice? Who knows! I've made my share of mistakes in this life that's for sure...But as long as I stay true to myself I think I will be able to make the choices that are right for me at the time...I have to have faith that my past experiences will help me in making those choices..The main thing is that I keep Moving Forward in this life...

20 years later

Wheatridge Colorado..March 1986....Larry was told that his job with the Government was being eliminated and that he had a choice between Houston TX and Atlanta GA to be transferred to...or he could always look for another job in a differant field...He had been with the Government since 1980...not that long but long enough that he didn't want to start all over again...besides it wasn't that easy finding a good job if you were in a wheelchair...So we talked it over and decided that we would move to Atlanta...I put my notice in at my job with the county Health Department..and started to clean out the house and all the junk that we had accumulated in the 6 years we had been together..by June we were ready...The Kid (and Critter, her cat) was going to Wyoming to spend the summer with her Granny. This would give us time to find a place to live and to decide if Georgia was really where we wanted to be...

I think back now and we were sooo young and not smart about this move at all...We didn't have any idea of what we were getting into...We didn't have the internet to check out the location...We knew no one from the area...had no idea where we would live...no idea if I could find a job..II would definetly do things differant now).all we knew was that Larry had a Job...so we packed up and drove our cars from Colorado to Georgia in June 1986...such confidence we had that all would turn out all right....that's 20 years ago and Lordy so much has happened to me since then...
I sometimes wonder if I could go back would I make a differant decision...would I have chose to stay in Colorado...closer to my family..but then I think..if we hadn't made that move...then #1 Niece wouldn't have moved here in 1993 and she wouldn't have met Jack and had The Boy and Mini Meme...and The Kid...she wouldn't have Bubba and Lil Missy...

Back in 1986 I weighed around 180-190 pounds...I knew that I was slowly getting fatter but used the excuse of the move to eat more...and to give up walking..(I used to walk everyday from my work to Larry's work at lunch in Colorado, about a mile). I had been overweight since my first marriage back in 1968 but always said I was "large boned" and since I was solid I could carry more weight...what a joke... I'm not sure when I tipped the scale at 200 plus...it just happened...next thing I know the scale is saying 265...so I threw the thing out the door...In 1992 I did lose 100 pounds by going to a nutritionist and exercising (walking & riding my bike)...I kept if off for a year...then I fell and hurt my knee...this gave me a reason not to exercise and then I figured since I had lost all that weight I could go off The Diet..and go back to eating the way Larry & I liked...I didn't take up ALL the bad habits but the one thing I did was started eating Large Porportions again....and one of Lar's and my favorite thing was to go to Dairy Queen for a blizzard...in fact we had a joke about how we would drive up to the window and wouldn't even have to order because they already knew what we wanted..They knew Larry's car...I never fried foods...but we did love our sweets...and 6 months later I was back up over 200 pounds..but I was happy or least I was convinced I was...

Up to the last 6 months of his life Larry was a Big guy...he probably topped the scale at 290 pounds (if we could have found one that weighed him and his wheelchair) and he was 6'4"...because he didn't have any control over his stomach muscles..he had a big belly too...in fact everything about him was big...I miss that!!! But I now realize (I think I knew back then too but just didnt' want to admit it) that I used his size and his attitude about Big Women (he loved them) to stay fat. So where does that leave me now 20 years later and without that crutch to fall back on?

I tell myself that I won't EVER go back to being overweight..that if I ever stop exercising and watching what I eat that it can happen way too easy...so I am ever vigilant....and that's my plan for the next 20 years!!!!

I wonder why it is that everything I start to write ends up with me thinking about this weight thing...I start out reminicing about moving here and end up thinking about how I got to where I am in my weight....hmmmmmm I must be totally obsessed!!!!

I've been lurking

A whole week has gone by and I haven't blogged...mostly been lurking...lots of interesting things going on out there...
Not much happening here...really really busy at work...
Will try to update soon
meanwhile check out this site from Kyra's blog yesterday....it is toooooo funny...
http://www.brawnyacademy.com/brawnyacademy.html

rantings of a crazy woman!!!!

Don't get me wrong...I like guys with a lil meat on them...I'm not attacted to skinny guys at all...I don't know if this comes from being overweight myself for sooo many years..but I seem to remember even when I was a young skinny thing it was always the heavier guys that I liked...I DO like to LOOK at those muscular guys at the gym, you know those guys with the ripped muscles and tight asses...but I wouldn't want to take one home...ok maybe for just a lil while just to try it out...LOL...So when I made the comment about Stew being more overweight than "stocky" I didn't mean that this was a bad thing....altho I have noticed that I am getting less attracted to the "sloppy" fat guys...but if a guy is overweight and at least tries to be neat about his appearance then I just figure there's more to snuggle with... but again I have noticed that in the last couple of years my attitude has changed...I really want a guy that takes care of himself....someone who is fit enough to keep up with me....maybe a few pounds over but not to the excess...and I know that the "ole beer gut" is to be expected in any guy over the age of 50?...right???? I see skinny guys with the beer gut all of the time....which is really an ugly sight if you ask me...skinny guys with beer guts..yech...
Now there is this one older guy at the gym that I think has the perfect body....he works out all of the time and is pretty fit but not so overly muscular...he's a nice guy but he's looking for the young buffed blonde bombshell...we've talked...and he's really nice...oh wellll....
Enuff of thinking of guys today..on to something more puzzling to me...

Why is it when you come into work late and work through lunch that the day seems longer altho it's the same hours of work????
I went to the dentist this morning for the first time in about 2 years. I've got a lot of work that needs to be done but have been putting it off for ever because I didn't like the dentist that I was going to...in fact I have NEVER liked Dentists...I hate having someone in my face...and having to keep my mouth open for any period of time is a killer for me...so now I sit here with a mess of teeth that need work...LOTS of work...i just wish my insurance would cover it ALL..Monies is one of the excuses I've used not to get them fixed but I've decided to COMMIT myself and get them taken care of once and for all, instead of taking a vacation this year I am using that monies toward getting my teeth fixed...It just doesn't make sense to get my body in shape and then have terrible teeth..altho if you look at the majority of people in Georgia they all have bad teeth...I myself have had bad teeth since I was a child...I did get some extensive work done on them in my early 30's and was pretty good about keeping up with them until Larry got sick...now it's like I have to start all over....I wish I would win the Lottery so I could get Veneers on all of the ones I have left..
I remember being in my 20's and using my bad teeth as an excuse for being overweight...I always said if I could only get my teeth fixed I know I would lose weight....didn't happen...so now I'm saying since I've lost the weight now is the time to have good teeth....Bad teeth run in my family...except for my older sis who was the only one that got braces when we were young so she had the toothbrush and HAD to brush her teeth...the rest of us didn't...My younger sis has had false teeth for some time now and they definately didn't help her looks...I really fear having all my teeth pulled and having to wear dentals....I mean I can't stand even chewing gum...or having anything in my mouth without gagging (no wonder I don't get dates...LOL)...
Which reminds me....I found out Saturday I can't chew gum...The Kid gave me some Obits gum (I was concerned that I might have bad breath for my date) and i kept biting my tongue while trying to chew...How do people stand having that in their mouth...I never chewed gum even as a kid...I did try it once but found that I was a "smacker" drove me bats....

Yay, the racquetball courts are open again...they redid the floors...I was having withdrawal...I did think I would get more workouts in since I couldn't play but that just didn't happen...in fact I think the past week I've gotten worse about working out than I ever have been...Not quite sure what's going on..probably too focused on guys (got to get over that)...but even my run on Saturday wasn't good..I just can't seem to get my mind into it...I ended up walking more than I have in a long time..and then when #1 Niece backed out on running on Sunday (just because it was Father's Day and she wanted to fix breakfast in bed for her hubby...what's with that?) instead of going by myself which I usually do...I took the day off and didn't run at all...Now if I wasn't doing this 10k on the 4th that won't be a big deal..but I know that i need to be training more for this race or it will end up like the last 10K I did.... It just seems that the more I push the more EE & MM take over and tell me I can't do it...and I'm listening....I really need to get in the right Mind Set for this....

Date Night!

I met Stew on Saturday night at 7 pm at the mall... He's a nice guy but no sparks, but then I really didn't expect there to be.
altho I had seen a picture of him..it wasn't a very good picture..taken from far away and he did tell me that he was "stocky"...so when I first saw him I realized He was shorter than I thought he would be...we were about the same height (since I wore my heels) and he looked older than 46..and I guess his definintion of "stocky" is differant than mine...I figure @ 270 pounds he was more overweight than stocky...but that part really didn't bother me...I'm used to "big" guys...he wore very thick glasses and had very thin lips...but looks aside he IS a very nice guy and I did have a nice time with him...atho I was home by myself by 10:30 pm...
We went to the Movie..The X-Men...it was a great movie..can't wait for the next one to come out...The thing I really like about Stew is his laugh...he has one of these loud belly laughs that just makes me smile...The first time he let loose with one I thought..."Wow...that's sooo coool". I felt relaxed around him...
After the movie we went to this lil Greek resturant in the Mall and had Ravolli..and he told me all about how he can't exercise because of all of his illnesses...He's diabetic, is on heart medicine, has bad knees and I can't remember all the rest...And he kept telling me how beautiful I am ...I was alright with it the first time but it got to where I was uncomfortable with his compliments after awhile....I mean I Did look good, my new hair cut is to die for but believe I'm no ravin beauty..
All in all it was a nice time and I would probably go out to see another movie with him if he asked but there is one thing that bothers me....
I parked at the end of the parking lot...and he parked in the desk close to the mall...when we said good bye at the end of the night he didn't even offer to walk me to my car...now I probably won't have accepted his offer but I think if he's as much of a southern gentleman that he claims to be shouldn't have at least offered?
It did leave a bad taste in my mouth...

Well anyway so much for MY FIRST REAL DATE since becoming a Widow...