Damn, I knew this would happen.... Here I am thinking I'm all set with my meal for Christmas Eve and then I start to obsessing over what I'm going to fix...
I've AGAIN changed my mind about what to have...Oh we'll still have the turkey because I've already ordered it from Honey Baked Hams...but I've decided the rest of the meal has to go....out with it... because no one will like it but me...Well maybe I'll keep the Spinach salad...who could not like it? anyway if no one eats it but me I'll have salad for the rest of the weekend...
also I'm going to keep the appetizer, just because I want to try the recipe and this is my only chance to do it... but the rest of the meal is out...I have to keep in mind that there will be little kids & picky men and I wonder why I worry sooo much whether anyone will like what I fix or not...This should not be that big of a deal...
I keep telling myself that it is only one night and it's not about the FOOD, it's about being with family...but then the "Kid" will say something about how I didn't have any food last year and they all had to go "hungry"...Oh terrors of all terrors for a Mother...that her child goes hungry...
I hate that there is so much focus for me on the Food...this is why I got to be 235 pounds before...trying to make sure no one went hungry and eating right along with it...not that I'm blaming my family for me being fat because I'm the one that chose to put that food in my mouth...I'm the one that chose to just sit around and not get any exercise...no one forced me to eat what I fixed for the family...the same goes for this Xmas Eve...I don't have to eat what everyone else does but I do sooo want them all to like and be impressed with what I serve... IMPRESSED???? Where did that come from... yep, that is a Big part of my trouble... I want gratitude!!!! Is that so wrong??? I want to be praised!!!! I want people to go away from my house on Xmas Eve saying how good everything was...something in me needs this...
Which brings me to something else I've been obsessing about since yesterday after lunch for #1 Niece...this is something I find myself doing alot and I hate myself for it...but I fish for compliments all of the time... I feel so good about myself that I want my family & freinds to constantly comment on how good I look...Now I know that they really think I'm looking good but I find myself NEEDING to hear the words...Why is this? It drives me crazy afterwards but I find the words popping out of my mouth..."Don't I look good?" I guess I'm just so afraid that what I see and feel isn't what everyone else sees...what if I REALLY am still fat and ugly...and everyone is just too nice to say otherwise...How do I deal with this? Will it get any better after I lose this last 20 pounds or will I always think in the back of my mind that I'm fat? I have got to stop obsessing about these little things in life...
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I know what you mean. Especially when it comes to cooking - I like the people I serve to not only eat but be over the top HAPPY with what I serve. And I don't do that with just one or two meals a year. I feel that way every single dingle time I cook.
I think part of it comes from my make-up. When I read "The five love languages" one of the #1 ways I feel loved is "Words of Affrimation". In otherwords I feel LOVED when people tell me I've done a good job. Of course if you combine that with a love language of "Acts of Service" and you have someone who likes to do things for others and be complimented for it... and Tada! And you'll notice that we love to have others do things for US so we can compliment them for it.
There's nothing wrong with that. It's just the way we are.
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