Fear

When I was in the Hot Tub at the gym yesterday I got to thinking about all of my fears... I have had a lot of them through my life. I got to listing all of them in my head and thinking how I've conquered some of them and still have some to either conquer or learn to live with. I hate the feeling of being afraid.

I think one of my major fears in life has always been that I would end up alone without anyone to love me...Well, here I am alone but I don't feel that I am not loved.. I have my family and altho they don't live with me, they are within easy reach whenever I need them... Also I have my memories of Larry and the knowledge that he truly did love me and I really can't imagine loving someone else as much as I loved him. He truly was my soul mate, my other half, my best freind in life. Even tho I miss him more than words can say, I make it through each day without him...being by myself is hard at times but I do it because I don't have any other choice... I guess that is the thing with Fears.. you can't let them rule you.

I have always had a fear of water..so much that for years I won't even think about getting into a swimming pool. I think some of it stems back from when I was young (doesn't everything?) and the fact that I had to take my glasses off to get in the pool... now I hated not being able to see and I also hated getting my face wet..I know weird but that's still something I have to conquer..After a year I am now comfortable in the hot tub. So I was thinking maybe the way to conquer fear is take it slow and just get accustomed to something.. So I got in the pool and walked to the 4 1/2 feet (holding on to the side)the water went up to my chin and it wasn't too bad, altho I did have a few flutters in the stomach, so I went back and did it again without holding, scary but I survived, so I did it 3 more times... I kept telling my self that this is just another way of exercising... Don't know if I will keep doing this every weekend but it might be worth the effort...

Another fear (and I think I've actually conquered this one over the last couple of years) has to do with being FAT and what people think of me and for this reason I advoided putting on a swim suit.. I hated the way my body looked... well losing 60 pounds helped this but I still have a roll around my middle and know that I have a ways to go before I will look good (or what I consider good) in a swim suit but I don't let this stop me anymore...what people think can't hurt me physically and the only way it can hurt me mentally is if I let it...It took a while to learn this but I'm comfortable with myself enough now to not let what people think bother me...I am who I am and if they don't like how I look then they don't have to look at me... at least that is how I'm feeling right now...tomorrow who knows?

As I mentioned I have many fears, more than I want to go into right now, but one fear that I don't want to conquer is the Fear of gaining back all of my weight... this fear keeps me eating right and exercising daily...