struggling here to keep it Positive

Note to self ...this is not a pity party..this is an exercise to remind MYSELF how lucky I am...

Life hasn't been exactly what I want lately..it seems like since Larry died I've been slowly spiralling downhill and I'm having trouble stopping and getting my life back on an even keel.
Not that I haven't tried....just that nothing I try seems to be working...so this morning I've been having a conversation with Eva & Mona who seem to be ruling my life lately..I have to remind myself that I am stronger than both of them and that I've been through rough periods of my life before and came out of it (I just wish it wasn't such a struggle) and I will do it again (and again and again for as long as I live)..

So what brought this on...lots of little things (just this week.. my microwave breaking down on me...my purse strap breaking and not having any monies to buy a new one, not going out with my freinds last night because AGAIN I don't have any extra monies and not being able to afford the healthy foods that I've been eating in the last 3 years), big things (Larry's Mom passed away and her funeral in ND was last Monday. My Mom underwent surgery in Colorado on Thurs and I wasn't able to be there for either one of them...this hurts me more than words can say because both of them were here for me when I needed them...) and then yesterday I came home to find that my air conditioning isn't working...

Mostly it's all about MONEY...I don't have ANY and don't see myself getting enough to live the life that I've gotten used to while Larry was with me (he spoiled me so much)...I find myself being envious of all my friends & family who don't seem to have to worry about if they have enough monies to pay their bills and they can do pretty much what they want...

But then I remind myself just how lucky I am...

I have a beautiful home that I love with a house payment cheaper than what I could rent for (even with repairs)...There are people out there living on the streets or in housing that I can't even imagine living in..And I think about the Katrina refugees who lost everything and had to start over..so how can I sit here and complain because I don't have air conditioning..heck I never had air conditioning until I moved here to Georgia anyway...I do have ceiling fans in three of my main rooms...so I've decided to try to wait until I do have monies (I don't want to put anything else on my credit cards...hey there's something else I have a credit card that I can use for emergencies)..besides it'll save me some monies on my electric bill and maybe I'll actually sweat off a couple of these extra pounds I've gained in the last nine months...as for the microwave..I've also decided that I'm not buying another one...I just bought this one (at WalMart) a couple of months ago (using my credit card) and until I can afford the one I really want I'm going to actually use my stove and oven for cooking..it does take more time but what the hey...again I went many years without one so why have I become so dependent on it...time i have..money I don't!!!!!!

I may not be eating the foods I want...but at least I do have food to eat...again there are people out there that don't know where their next meal is coming from...I've been here before with eating cheap (I remember a time with my first husband where all we had to eat was beans for about a month) and I know how to do it...I just keep reminding myself that it's not forever...

So I didn't go out last night .Big deal..it's not the end of the world..and there will be other times when I can...I am so lucky to have rooms full of books and I stayed home and read..there are so many things I can do that don't cost monies...like go to the park...talk to freind on the phone...

I have to appreciate the things I do have...so I couldn't afford a new purse...at least I found an old one in the closet that I can use until I can..it may not be in style and I don't really like it but it does serve the purpose and it won't hurt me to use it....

And the most important thing is I have a beautiful daughter who has given me Two of the greatest grand kids in the world..We talk every day and altho I think sometimes I really aggravate her I know that she loves me. I have #1 Niece and I know that she is there if I need her..all I have to do is call her and she is there for me....There are people out who have no one...I have more friends in my life now than I can remember ever having...they are good friends and I'm the only one who thinks that I'm not good enough for them just because they have more monies than I do...proof of that is that one night while we were all gathered around Moanin' Mona was crying about how bad my yard was and they came over and helped me with it...It makes me realize that it's not the material things in life that really counts but what you do with what you do have in life..being negative is so easy but it really doesn't make things better...just makes it worse...and as I have to remind MYSELF everyday..there is always someone out there that has it worse than ME...

Hanging in there!!!!