I went on my second date (no, not with Stew, he's definately out of the picture) last night...This one was with Michael, the 51 yr old writer, who I've been emailing back and forth for the last couple of weeks..We went for a ride in his '67 Mustang convertable and then went out for a drink.
My dilemma is altho I really like his personality and we have a lot in common in what we like (but then I like so many things that's a given), it's his looks...I know I'm sooo shallow...I didn't realize this until last night but Looks really do account for alot with me...
Mike told me before we met that he looked differant from his picture because it was taken before his bout with cancer (which he says he is free from now). I really thought I could deal with it and accept him for who he is and not how he looks but I have to tell you it's Hard and I'm not sure there's enuff chemistry there for me to put the effort into it...I'm sooo shallow...
Because I did have fun with him we've already set up another date for tomorrow night...but this morning I'm having second thoughts...
here's the thing....due to the Chemo his teeth are really bad..rotten...like nightmare bad...he says he's planning on getting them fixed (I asked) but he's waiting for his insurance to set in...yet the man can spend thousands on redoing his car...do I really want to get involved with someone who won't take care of himself?...his hair is thin, long and lanky (again from the chemo) and he's lost all muscle tone so he's "soft"...Am I being too picky here?....For years I've said "I just want someone who will accept me for WHO I am, not for how I look" and I think that is probably where MIke is but then I think...would he have ever asked me out if I had bad teeth and was fat and sloppy (which I have been in the past)? So why should I settle for less than I want...but then I think, I really like his personality and we did have fun...
What is it in me that wants to "FIX" him? I don't think he would look bad if he got his teeth fixed, maybe shaved his head and built up some muscle..(oh yeah, he's pretty scrawny...tall and lanky)...
The other thing is I've told myself that I would never go with someone that I weighed more than...he probabaly weighs 145-150 and has terrible eating habits (as far as I can tell)...Now I keep telling myself that it's only one date...but I'm not sure he thinks that...He thinks I'm the sexiest thing around...whooohooo...and he wears glasses LOL....
Last night he asked me what I was looking for...a serious relationship or what..because he could see it getting serious..I told him that right now I just want to take it one step at a time and have some fun...I'm not sure I really made myself clear because I'm not sure JUST what I am looking for...except I know I want to do things and have fun...What worries me is that he is already making plans on what we can do together...Now those that know me ..know that I am a CONTROL Freak...if someone tells me I HAVE to do something...i'll set my heels in the ground and say no no no....I try not to be this way ....but that's just me...I like being in control of what I do...I know I know I can always say no...it's my choice..
So here's the plan...before I get any further involved with Mike I need to find a way to tell him how I feel about his looks without coming over like the shallow bitch I feel like today and see if there is any chance that he will make the effort to change...not for me but for himself..or if he even wants to make them...from last nights conversation I think he does...
I just don't want to hurt his feelings....I mean it's not like I am without faults (I just don't know what they are LOL) I'm far from being perfect and maybe there is someone out there for Mike that will be able to accept him for how he looks...I think I could handle it if it wasn't fixable...like maybe a really big nose or even a wart on the end...but teeth and hair..these things ARE fixable...Just like my losing weight...I did that for myself, so I could look and feel better about myself...Is this too much to ask for this soon? I feel soo shallow....
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YOu know what? After everything you have been through - you want someone who is HEALTHY. You are working on your own health, you have been through so much (both with men who were psychologically un healthy and physically) that you are just DONE with that for a while. And there is NOTHING wrong with that.
I would want it too. It's not shallow, it's just the way it is. And it's perfectly acceptable. Just don't tell HIM what you think deep down.
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