Happiness

Does my happiness depend on losing this last 20 to 30 pounds? NO....sure it'll be nice to lose and I'll probably be happier with myself and the way I look and feel BUT if I decided to stop right now and maintain the loss I have done in the past 2 years I think I could still be happy...Don't worry...I'm not planning on doing that...I will lose this 20 pounds...it might take me a while but I know that I will do it...NO Matter what..I guess my point here is that happiness isn't totally dependant on how you look...it's what's inside of you...
When Lar was alive and I was over 250 pounds I was still happy...he never made me feel unattractive or that I should lose weight...true he was overweight too and if we had both lost some of the extra weight he might have had more of a chance to fight his illness.I don't know this for a fact. It's just something that goes thro my mind now and again...guilt I guess that I didn't do everything I could for him...but I do know that I couldn't do it for him and he was never that concerned with how big he was..he just accepted it...Oh...I did try to keep our meals healthy...no fried foods (except when he snuck out to KFC or KrispyKreme) but back to my point...WE were HAPPY...Until he got sick in the last year,we did everything we wanted...camping..taking trips together...going for rides in the car...whatever we wanted to do WE DID...and we WERE Happy...
So Why did I decide to lose weight? Well truthfully...It wasn't so much about losing the weight as getting fit enuff so I could do the things I wanted to do...In the last year of Lar's life I got so out of shape that I couldn't climb a flight of stairs unless I stopped and rested half way...I could barely walk down the hall to the nurses station...Mostly I stayed next to Lar's bed, sitting in a recliner (that's where I slept)and did nothing...And I knew that wasn't how I wanted to live...Lar & I had always been active, even for fat people, and I wanted that back..I knew that if I was to ever find Happiness again that I would have to learn to move this body again..The losing the 70 pounds was just a bonus...
It seems like lately I have been so focused on the fact that this last 20 pounds isn't coming off and somehow I've convinced myself that unless I do then I am a failure and we all know failures aren't happy....But if I stop and look at my life as it is right now I see that I am happy...and I am not a Failure...I have accomplished sooo much and I can & will accomplish so much more before I done...

I was walking over to Publix's to get a salad for lunch today when I realized that I walk with a bounce...I'm happy walking...It is a beautiful day out..the sun is shining and felt so good on my face as I was walking...one of the guys from the gym drove by and honked at me...I smiled and waved back at him...I feel so happy to be alive....how could this be anything but a Success....
There was more that I wanted to say, things I thought of as I was walking but as usual when I sit here to type it all leaves me...but know this..they were Happy thoughts...