Larry

FOREVER
Some people come into our
lives and quickly go,
Some stay for awhile,
leave footprints on our hearts,
and we are never, ever the same.
Flavia

A Quiet Weekend

Besides having Lil Bit stay the night Friday night and getting my hair colored and trimmed yesterday...it's been a quiet weekend, no hiking, running or even going to the gym (altho I did mow the lawn)..the first in a long time...so it's no surpize to me that I've been thinking about Larry alot today...it happens anytime I slow down or stay at home...It's really not a bad thing but it does make me ache with longing...I looked at the pictures of the years we were together and cried a little for myself..missing him...altho I realize I don't really need to look at pictures to remember him because he is always there in my heart...maybe the actual way he looked is getting foggy in my memory but the way I felt about him is as strong now as the day I realized I loved him, which was pretty much the first time we were together...

I sometimes question the reasons I decided to start dating again...it's not that I want to forget Larry or even replace him (that will never happen). I guess I'm looking for just a lil bit of what we had together and I'm not sure that will ever happen...Maybe it's too soon...Who knows?

I know that I have changed so much in the last three years not just in my looks but in my way of thinking. It seems like it is so all about ME now. I keep MYSELF busy so I don't have time to feel sorry for MYSELF, the only thing I have to feel sorry for is that Larry isn't here...and I really work hard at keeping MYSELF positive and up beat...doing things I enjoy like the racquetball, hiking and even the running helps...surrounding myself with freinds and family help...even escaping into my books help...but sometimes I just need to take that time and feel the ache of missing him, spend time remembering what we had...how I felt when I was with him..So today was GOOD...Something I needed!!!

Feed Them!!!!

I decided this morning to have my granddaughter Lil Bit who is 3 yrs old spend the night with me...she is so freakin' cute..Last weekend when I was over at The Kid's house Lil Bit told me she wants to come live with me...now I think what she really meant was she wanted to come spend the night..not sure if she really understands the differance...Her brother Bubba goes to his Dad's pretty much every other weekend so I feel that Lil Bit needs a special place to come to every once in awhile...I'm afraid that I'm pretty much busy most weekends but I decided that I need to make more time for her...she is growing up sooo fast.

One of my main problems with having the Grandkids over to my house is that since I've gone healthy there isn't alot of food here that they eat...Oh sure I ALWAYS have lots of fresh fruit but except for Bubba who loves pretty much everything I eat I worry about what to feed the lil angels...So at lunch I went to the grocery store to find something she would eat...now I know that she will only be here one night so I will only have to feed her breakfast but since I don't eat bread, I can't feed her french toast Or even regular toast and do I want to buy a whole loaf of bread just for 2 slices of toast...I have no flour so can't make pancakes besides that I don't have butter in my house either..I do have eggs..but what is scrambled eggs without toast...so I called The Kid and asked her about Pop Tarts...even after reading the Nutrition facts on these things (I know they are pure poision) but I felt that she needed something she would eat and I happen to know she doesn't like Rice Cakes (I tried them on her the last visit) anyhoooo The Kid told me she really likes Oatmeal for breakfast (who'd Thunk?) and she would send a couple of packets with her soooo all I have to get is milk...Breakfast taken CARE of!!!!!!

But then I get to thinking that she will need something to snack on....This is where I realize that my old habits are still ingrained in me....I start to think Cookies, Cheetos etc...I know that she doesn't NEED any of this junk but I still end up looking at it and I did buy a package of Newman-O's chocolate Creme Filled Chocolate Cookeis made with organic flour & sugar, organic palm fruit oil...telling myself that they are better than regular cookies..but they are still 130 calories for 2 freakin' cookies...And come on we know I really bought them for myself...sure I gave the kid a couple of cookies (and she did like them) but who do you think is going to eat most of them....Was I just looking for an excuse to buy Cookies...probably!!!! NO DOUBT about it because here it is 3 am and I'm thinking about having a couple...THERE'S A REASON I DON'T KEEP THIS JUNK IN MY HOUSE....I have NO will power to NOT eat it if it's here....Will I never learn? Will I always be looking for an excuse to buy things I know I don't need....(Evil Eva asks Why do I need an excuse anyway?)

What is it in ME that makes me feel this need to FEED people? I have no problem knowing WHAT to feed myself anymore but when it comes to the Grandkids I think that they Won't like what I eat so I have to get them all the junk that made me fat in the first place...What's wrong with feeding them what I eat...besides the fact that kids don't normally like ToFu or veggie burgers....And why do I feel that if they don't have snacks that they will starve or worse yet never want to come to my house? My own Grandmother never had snacks for us..she did have a candy dish with lemon drops and we were allowed ONE when we first got to her house and I still loved going there (mainly because she always had the Readers Digest and lots of books that I could read).... So I tell myself to get over it and to stop worrying about food and start thinking about what Lil Bit and I can do together for Fun....I think she will remember that I read her a story about the Velveteen Rabbit more than she will remember that I gave her 2 choc cookies....This is what is important...NOT Food...

Proof that I am crazy!

Altho Cliff doesn't blog much anymore I still like going to his site...mainly to watch the video Another Postcard by BareNaked Ladies.....It's a good way to start my day with a smile...
For some strange reason I absolutely LOVE this song and the video cracks me up...
Am I the only one here that just found this song? Has it been around forever and since I'm in my own lil world when it comes to music that I just didn't know it was out there...

The Art of Flirting

There is this guy at the gym that looks to be a Native American in his 40's, is built like a marine, not tall, stocky, muscular (but not overly) and has tattos on his arms. He has a really strong face, high cheekbones and is very bronzed colored (I can just picture him as one of the hero's in one of the romance novels I read)...He works out with another guy pretty much every day that I am there..I started noticing him a couple of weeks ago when I was upstairs doing my stretches looking out over the weight room...I'm not sure if he felt me looking at him but he turned around and looked up at me with a smile in his eyes. The next day he was there again and our eyes met again, we gave each other a little smile then went back to what we were doing...the next couple of days it seemed where ever I was in the gym he was somewhere close by..we started to nod to each other...then last week I got to the gym early and was reading my book in the car when he drives up in a red car and parks across from me...I swear he looked right at me and nodded...I smiled and nodded back..this past Monday, we got to the gym at the same time and as I walked by him he said HI...I said something dumb like "back at it again?" He smiled and said "yep"....I didn't go to the gym on Tuesday..but last night while doing my stretches I looked down and there he was..he looked up at me and smiled big at me and gave a little wave...I waved back....So where is this going? I don't know but it's kind of fun just flirting....

I actually like this picture

Yep it's me at the finish line on the Fouth of July after run/walking 10K...Whooohooo...

Except for the squinty eyes and squished up mouth this is probably the best picture taken of me in FOR EVER.... One of the main things that gives me the Big thrill when I look at this picture is that my Chicken neck and wings don't show and I actually look normal...not FAT..tooo coool...
I still feel good about it.

Adventures of Dating!!!!

I just got home from another on line date....Just to be on the safe side this time I took my freind & neighbor Esther with me...We set this date up for a twilight walking tour downtown Atlanta...my date is a volunteer tour guide and since I'm trying to get more into the history of the city I live in, I thought this would be a good date. I dressed in my white capris, white t-shirt, brown overshirt, brown leather flat sandals (flat because his description of himself said he was 5'8") lil white hat, white hoop earrings, gold necklace with medallion...in other words I looked good...From his emails I assumed he was very much in the monies, he belongs to the Atlanta Art Center, goes to symphonies etc and I was afraid I wouldn't be classy enuff for him...
Esther & I took the Marta train into Atlanta and met him....he was a nice guy BUT not for me (or Esther). The first thing I noticed about him was his COMBOVER (the breeze making it stand straight up, it was like out of a comedy show), the first thing Esther noticed about him was his DUCK WALK , and then we got close to him and realized he SMELLED, like he hadn't taken a shower in a very long time...it was not good...so we stood down wind of him and took the tour....now I do have to say he is very good at being a tour guide and he really was nice and a gentleman...
also my freind Esther is only 5'2" and this guy was just a little taller than her...no way was he 5'8"....
I am sooo glad that Esther went with me because I would think that I am just being picky about these guys....but she told me that there was NO WAY this guy was for me...she said he was WAY too OLD....he's 57 yrs old, 1 yr older than me...So we decided that I really need to start looking at younger guys in their 40's. And she said I was WAY TOO CLASSY for him....LOL!!! Needless to say we made our excuses to head back home as soon as the tour was over....

Oh yeah, funny thing happened on the freeway on our way home, as we were laughing about this date..i happened to look over and there is this really cute 30/40ish guy in a truck in the next lane, I smile at him, he waves and then starts flirting with me...I'm driving, Esther looks over at him and he starts to motion for us to pull over at the next exit....we are all laughing, I shake my head NO WAy...he throws us a kiss and takes the exit...we both just started to laugh...Esther said too bad he hadn't been our date...

I'm definately going to have to rethink this on line dating thing...I mean this is 3 dates in the last month and they have ALL been interesting to say the least...but not even close to what I want...but at least I am out there doing things...

Ugly

Found this on a website I was on and some reason this story really hit me today...it reminded me of an old dog I used to know...



The Integrity of Ugly

Everyone in the apartment complex I lived in knew who Ugly was. Ugly was the resident tomcat. Ugly loved three things in this world: fighting, eating garbage, and, shall we say, loving. These three things, together with a life spent outside, had taken their toll on Ugly. To start with, he had only one eye, and where the other should have been, was a gaping hole. He was also missing his ear on the same side. His left foot appeared to have been badly broken at one time, and had healed at an unnatural angle, making him look like he was always turning the corner. His tail had long been lost, leaving only the smallest stub which he would constantly jerk and twitch.

Ugly would have been a dark gray, striped tabby except for the sores covering his head and neck. Even his shoulders were covered with thick, yellowing scabs. Every time someone saw Ugly, there was the same reaction...That's one UGLY cat! All the children were warned not to touch him, the adults threw rocks at him, hosed him down, squirted him when he tried to come in their homes, or shut his paws in the door when he would not leave. Ugly always had the same reaction. If you turned the hose on him, he would stand there, getting soaked until you gave up and quit. If you threw things at him, he would curl his lanky body around your feet in forgiveness.

Whenever he spied children, he would come running, meowing frantically, bumping his head against their hands, begging for their love. If you ever picked him up, he would immediately begin suckling on your shirt, earrings, whatever he could find. One day Ugly tried to be friendly to the neighbor's huskies. They did not respond kindly, and Ugly was badly mauled. From my apartment I could hear his screams, and I rushed to his aid. By the time I got to him, it was apparent that Ugly's sad life was almost at an end. Ugly lay in a wet puddle, his back legs and lower back twisted grossly out of shape, a gaping tear in the white stripe of fur that ran down his front.

As I picked him up and tried to carry him home, I could hear him wheezing and gasping and I could feel him struggling. It must be hurting him terribly, I thought. Then I felt a familiar tugging, sucking sensation on my ear. Ugly, in so much pain and suffering, obviously dying, was trying to suckle my ear. I pulled him closer to me, and he bumped the palm of my hand with his head, then he turned his one golden eye towards me, and I could hear the distinct sound of purring.

Even in the greatest pain, that ugly, battle-scarred cat was asking only for a little affection, perhaps some compassion. At that moment, I thought Ugly was the most beautiful, loving creature I had ever seen. Never once did he try to bite or scratch me, try to get away from me, or struggle in any way. Ugly just looked up at me completely trusting in me to relieve his pain.

Ugly died in my arms before I could get inside, but I sat and held him for a long time afterwards, thinking about how one scarred, deformed little stray could so alter my opinion about what it means to have true pureness of spirit, to love so totally and truly. Ugly taught me more about giving and compassion than a thousand books, lectures, or talk show specials ever could, and for that I will always be thankful.

He had been scarred on the outside, but I was scarred on the inside, and it was time for me to move on and learn to love truly and deeply, to give my total to those I cared for.

Many people want to be richer, more successful, well-liked, or beautiful. But for me? I will always try to be Ugly.

--Author Unknown

Going back to Basics

Goals....sometimes I wonder why I set them..In the last three years I've set alot more goals than I've actually met...so does this mean I should stop setting them..Am I just setting myself up to fail?

Back on June 12th I set a goal to get to 161 pounds by the time I ran the P'tree Road Race...didn't happen...in fact I didn't lose any weight..I gained 3 pounds...Sure I did good for the first week but who knows what happened after that..I had such good plans and intentions....

If I really sit down and take a serious look at where I am, mentally & physically, I know what the problems are..and I can come up with these great plans on how I'm going to change it but when it comes to actually doing it for a period of time thats when things go awry and I get complacent... I tell myself that I'm not the only one that does this..but that is just an excuse...It's so FREAKIN' easy to make excuses and believe me I can come up with Lots of them.


I keep telling MYSELF that I know I can do this...I HAVE DONE IT IN THE PAST..proof of that is looking at myself in the mirror and not seeing a woman that weighs over 200 pounds...BUT I'M STILL NOT WHERE I WANT TO BE....

So back to Step ONE...When I first started losing weight and getting fit my main goal was to get thru ONE DAY at a time..one pound at a time...I told myself that I would only go forward...never backwards and time was not important...what was important was that I did my very best and IT WORKED!!!!
Then I started to set goals with time limits...for me this just doesn't work..it only frustrates me...the Evil Eva in me says "why even try...you know you will only fail" But I know I can do anything for ONE day so Back to Basic I go..

I know one of my BIGGEST problems is the mindless eating I do at home after I get home from the gym...I tell myself that I've tried everything to break this routine (not true there is always something else you can do) and I will do good for a week but then I'm right back at it...this has been a problem for over a year and I hear the lil voice in my head telling me that I can't change it..I'm out to prove that lil voice wrong...My motto for TODAY is "don't tell me I can't". I will conquer this problem.
I have moved Spot & Rover onto the kitchen counter..this gives me less room to put food on and every time I get something to eat I feel someone is watching me...I never have problems eating the way I should when there is someone is around...also I've started taking my amino's when I go to bed at 11 pm and I need an empty tummy to do that so I will Not eat anything after 9 pm...MY KITCHEN CLOSES AT 9 PM....I'm thinking about having a sign made up that says that...I've done good for the past 2 days/nights and my mantra is "all you have to do is get thru today"...

New Look

OK I'll try this again while I still remember some of what I want to say...Old age is hell...

I really am NOT in the mood to work today so I decided to goof around with my blog and see about changing the format..ie:template/Look...since I am getting tired of ALL Pink. Blogger doesn't have much to chose from (at least that I like) and I'm not talented or savy enuff to make my own template..sooo anyway I decided on this one (notice it still has some Pink) and when I went to save it I got this pop up that said something about if I did this I would lose all my additional programming...well the brain that I am (NOT) I chose to ignore that lil pop and and hit and went ahead and saved it..then when I looked at the new blog I noticed that all my links were gone....(hit myself in the head...that's what they meant)...so I've spent the last hour finding all my favorite blog sites addresses and adding them to my links....I know there are some folks out there that don't add links to thier site....but I like checking out all those links, you just never know what you will find...any way If I missed anyone...send me a comment (hopefully a nice one) and i'll add you...

Pink....I love all colors of pink and there are alot of them....it seems to have become my favorite color...i just can't seem to get away from it....I'm like a bee to a flower...Pink draws me in everytime...I have a closet full of pink clothes, lots of pink tank tops in my drawer...even some pink thongs that I love...at least 4 pairs of pink sandals and I drive a PINK truck...now the truck is not a titty pink or a pepto bismo pink...no it's a dark pink the color of the Crepe Mrytle flowers...there aren't to many trucks this color and I love it... I remember being young and being told that I couldn't wear Pink because I am a red head...well, I say Bullshit to that....I will wear any freakin' color I want...today I'm wearing this cool tank top that is kinda purple pink with lil black leopard spots all over it... I feel wild...but since I'm at work I've toned it down by wearing my regular jeans instead of my cool black capri pants...oh well....
I know there was more that I said before I lost the post but I can't remember (it was such a good post...damn) but I guess I've spent enuff time here and I had best go do some Actual work...

OHHHHNNNNOOOOOOO

I had this great blog all typed out (I was even witty in it) and then I hit something wrong and lost the whole thing.....I freakin' cannot beleive it...I'll never be that good again....oh what to do???????

WhoooHoooooo!!!!

I have sharp elbows....Yep...I have this bruise on my leg just above my knee and I couldn't figure out where it came from....then all of a sudden as I was sitting here doing some dumbbell concentration curls I realized that I was resting my elbow right where that bruise is...need to watch my form here...anyhooo I knew I have been losing that extra roll of fat over my elbow..yay!!! but don't remember ever having SHARP elbows..... The Kid always had sharp elbows...she used to elbow me all the time when she was young...I remember my Mom and older sister having REALLY REALLY sharp elbows, they used to get me down and elbow me..ouch....So now I've got the BIG Urge to go out and elbow someone...ROTFLMAO!!!! I wonder if #1 Niece is going to be home tonight....hmmmmm...no I'd better watch out there I think she has sharp elbows tooo....and she also takes Karate so she could get me down pretty easy...maybe I'll find someone at the gym tonight to elbow....oh Evil Eva is lurking...hahahhahahahhaha...

Responsibilty

I like to think of myself as responsible but I hate when I am made to feel that I have to do something or guilty if I chose not to do something even if it is only in my mind...
I have been a member of eDiets for over 2 years...I think it's a good site for those of us that are working on losing weight...I've used it mainly for support over the years...tried a couple of the diets...and used their fitness program when I first started...also have done some of the challenges..this past summer I've been using it less & less, mainly because I'm getting a life of my own and don't need the support as much..I still have some favorite friends from there that I like to keep tabs on but I get tired/bored of all the stuff that isn't weight loss related...a while back one of the gals asked me why I wasn't a moderator for the one site I'm on and I told her that I didn't want to be tied down/ commit to it at this time...Well, two weeks ago I received an email from eDiets saying I have been nominated to be a Moderator for the Men/Women/Exchange (MWX)....and at the same time I got another email from them saying that they wanted to feature me in thier Sucess Stories...I know this should be an honor but to me it isn't...it's just another way for them to sell thier program..true I think it's a good program..but I just don't want to do it... then they give me this tune about "paying it forward" that I could help motivate many people who are struggling..But to tell the truth...I feel that I HAVE Paid my dues...I've done my share of motivating the groups that I chose to post with and I have always felt that my story isn't that much differant or better than the majority of those out there...besides I'm not done...I still have a ways to go so how can I say I'm a sucess....I'll be a sucess WHEN I reach my goal and maintain it...but right now I am not even close to that...sure i've lost bunches of weight and i've changed my life around but I'm NOT DONE...
Sooo anyway...I've been feeling guilty about turning down both of the offers....The MWX has been good to me...I went up to NJ last fall and hiked with a couple of the guys on it...had a really good time..and it does need a woman moderator but I just don't want to be the one...we've had some problems keeping moderators in the past for a number of reasons...we're a very outspoken group...and it's not like I'm chicken to do it...I just don't want to...so Why do I feel like I need a reason to turn it down?...which I have already done...It just keeps popping up in my mind that I have a responsibilty to the group...It's made it where I don't even want to go on site anymore because I feel like I've let them down...not that anyone but Frank (the male moderator who nominated me) knows...and MWX will go on without me...
I guess I've Made my decision and I just need to get over it...get it out of my mind and not worry about it...but it keeps preying on me....damn...does this mean i really want to do it or do I just like feeling guilty?

How life changes....

Yesterday while on our run I was telling #1 Niece how busy I am now... what with the gym, hiking, going to the movies with friends...etc it seems like I'm always doing something and she reminded me of my post a couple of months ago when I (Moanin' Mona)was complaining bout how I have no friends..(April 17...Looking Back) ...Well, I realized that I made up my mind and I changed that...I quit feeling sorry for myself and went out a did something about it... I joined FunHikes...finally accepted an invitation from one of the girls at the gym..which has lead to making more new freinds and many new adventures..such as the Jazz Festivals, brunches, BBQ's, parties and even going to the movies like I did this past weekend...took the chance and actually met a couple of guys from the on line dating...ok so those haven't went over too good but at least I did it.. and i feel pretty good about myself...

I know if I REALLY put my mind to something I can DO it..
This past weekend I went with my friend Lamont to see Pirates of Caribbean...it was a good movie..Lamont is JUST a friend...I met him thru the group that goes to the Jazz festivals..he's young enuff to be my son and we have an understanding that we are just friends. I'm not his type and he's not mine but we have fun together..
Then Saturday I went on a hike with the fun hikes group and a couple of friends from the gym went with me...one of them ("T") has been struggling with her weight for some time and she said this is just what she needed to get motivated again. Then yesterday after my run with #1 Niece I met some girlfriends at Bahama Breeze for drinks & dessert...This group of friends I have made in the last couple of months are all pretty much singles and always has something going on...and if there isn't a planned something then all I have to do is call one of them up and we'll think of something to do...I haven't had this type of life in a LONG time..it's fun...I never realized how much I was missing out on life. There is sooo much out there that I haven't done..And the best part is I'm having the Best Time of my Life..even with the misadventures of dating...

Update on Mike!!!

So I cancelled my date with Mike on the 4th to watch the fireworks...and I took the chicken way out...I left him a voice mail and told him I had freinds from out of town and I was going with them to Stone Mountain and didn't think I would get back in time for our date and hopefully we could reschedule for another time...which is a lie...I did go see the fireworks with some friends but not the ones from out of town...I know, I know I'm BAD...

We spoke on the phone for a few minutes on Weds Night...I had left him an email and told him to call me after 9 when I got home from the gym...anyway he really seemed down...said he had a really bad headache...wanted to know if it was still a go for Saturday night...I told him that I am gong on the hike (I had told him this on Sunday night) and that the group I'm with also wants to go to Helen, which is one of those tourist traps in the mountains and I wasn't sure when I would get home (this is the truth)...he then told me to call him when and if I wanted to get together...soooo DO you think he took the hint?....

I feel soooo mean about how I treated him if I thought it would help I would probably call him and set up a date but I'm really afraid that if I did that I would never get rid of him and he would really be hurt...so I've decided to leave things as is...

I have been thinking I would email him and tell him that although I did enjoy myself on Sunday night I just not interested in him in the same way he is in me..
Lesson Learned....I think...

This is TOO funny!

Thanks to Kyra & Karl I got a good laugh this morning... Check it out!!!!

'What will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Me & 55K other people

Ran the P'tree race this morning....it was a blast and I did GOOD....lots better than I imagined...
Thanks to #1 Niece the stress of the Marta Transit ride was a breeze...She, the kids & I took a trial run yesterday to the Marta Station and got my tokens so I won't have to do that this morning and so I could make sure I knew where to go to catch the Marta since I've never rode it by myself before...this had been stressing me out more than the actual run...
Soooo anyway I went to a BBQ at some friends last night and got home about midnight...got all my stuff ready for this morning and went to bed to get some sleep...usually I don't sleep at all the night before a race but I slept right up to the alarm at 5...threw my stuff on and drove straight to the Marta..no problem...was extra glad I had gotten my tokens yesterday because there was a really long line waiting to get tokens..lots & lots of people wearing race numbers...and I got to go right past them right to the train with no waiting...I figured it saved me at least 15 mins if not more....sat next to a really nice couple and the train didn't really get crowded...we figured it was early enuff...got to the race site and found the port-a- pottys and waited in that line for 15 mins....you can always tell the newbies at racing once they hit the port-a-potty...tooo funny...then I went to my corral...yep they actually put corrals with a fence up for each group...did my stretches and got ready to wait for the starting gun to go off...Now this race is really more of an event than a race because as I said there are 55 THOUSAND people in this thing...and all along the sidelines there are people cheering us on ...bands playing ...and all sorts of things that you normally don't see, ALL in the middle of Atlanta....
Once I got out of the crunch and could run I felt pretty good....it's all flat or downhill the first 3 miles...and I had no problem with running, except for all the walkers that kept getting in my way...but that didn't even bother me...at 3 miles we came to what they call "The heartbreak hill" or Cardiac Hill...I've been hearing all kinds of things about this hill forever so was already planning on walking it since I thought it would be a straight up hill...but truthfully it was no worse than the climb at Hartwell Dam, which was a steady incline that killed me...and the good thing was once you got to the top of it then you got to run on an flat and a couple of downhills so I was able to make up my time and catch my breath....
I finished in 67 mins which wasn't bad at all for ME...and I feel pretty darn good about it...I got my T'shirt and headed back to the Marta station...met some really nice people...got to the Marta Station and who's there but the same couple that I had rode with on the way...and I met up with some freinds from the gym...how cool is that?
This is Another big goal reached for me....which is good since I'm doing so bad on the weight part...I'm glad it's behind me. Now I get to start looking for another challenge...

Accept me for what I am

I went on my second date (no, not with Stew, he's definately out of the picture) last night...This one was with Michael, the 51 yr old writer, who I've been emailing back and forth for the last couple of weeks..We went for a ride in his '67 Mustang convertable and then went out for a drink.

My dilemma is altho I really like his personality and we have a lot in common in what we like (but then I like so many things that's a given), it's his looks...I know I'm sooo shallow...I didn't realize this until last night but Looks really do account for alot with me...

Mike told me before we met that he looked differant from his picture because it was taken before his bout with cancer (which he says he is free from now). I really thought I could deal with it and accept him for who he is and not how he looks but I have to tell you it's Hard and I'm not sure there's enuff chemistry there for me to put the effort into it...I'm sooo shallow...
Because I did have fun with him we've already set up another date for tomorrow night...but this morning I'm having second thoughts...

here's the thing....due to the Chemo his teeth are really bad..rotten...like nightmare bad...he says he's planning on getting them fixed (I asked) but he's waiting for his insurance to set in...yet the man can spend thousands on redoing his car...do I really want to get involved with someone who won't take care of himself?...his hair is thin, long and lanky (again from the chemo) and he's lost all muscle tone so he's "soft"...Am I being too picky here?....For years I've said "I just want someone who will accept me for WHO I am, not for how I look" and I think that is probably where MIke is but then I think...would he have ever asked me out if I had bad teeth and was fat and sloppy (which I have been in the past)? So why should I settle for less than I want...but then I think, I really like his personality and we did have fun...

What is it in me that wants to "FIX" him? I don't think he would look bad if he got his teeth fixed, maybe shaved his head and built up some muscle..(oh yeah, he's pretty scrawny...tall and lanky)...
The other thing is I've told myself that I would never go with someone that I weighed more than...he probabaly weighs 145-150 and has terrible eating habits (as far as I can tell)...Now I keep telling myself that it's only one date...but I'm not sure he thinks that...He thinks I'm the sexiest thing around...whooohooo...and he wears glasses LOL....

Last night he asked me what I was looking for...a serious relationship or what..because he could see it getting serious..I told him that right now I just want to take it one step at a time and have some fun...I'm not sure I really made myself clear because I'm not sure JUST what I am looking for...except I know I want to do things and have fun...What worries me is that he is already making plans on what we can do together...Now those that know me ..know that I am a CONTROL Freak...if someone tells me I HAVE to do something...i'll set my heels in the ground and say no no no....I try not to be this way ....but that's just me...I like being in control of what I do...I know I know I can always say no...it's my choice..

So here's the plan...before I get any further involved with Mike I need to find a way to tell him how I feel about his looks without coming over like the shallow bitch I feel like today and see if there is any chance that he will make the effort to change...not for me but for himself..or if he even wants to make them...from last nights conversation I think he does...
I just don't want to hurt his feelings....I mean it's not like I am without faults (I just don't know what they are LOL) I'm far from being perfect and maybe there is someone out there for Mike that will be able to accept him for how he looks...I think I could handle it if it wasn't fixable...like maybe a really big nose or even a wart on the end...but teeth and hair..these things ARE fixable...Just like my losing weight...I did that for myself, so I could look and feel better about myself...Is this too much to ask for this soon? I feel soo shallow....

Spot & Rover

Growing up I remember we always had pets...there was always at least one dog (if not more)..lots of cats..we even had a parakeet named Pete for awhile...When The Kid & I moved in with Larry we got her a dog named Charlie, he was a Benji type dog...100% mutt...I think he was really Lar's dog...he loved going everywhere with him in the car...When we moved to Atlanta we brought with us Critter...he was part Bobcat and part barn cat, The Kid & her Grandpa had found him as a kitten at the ranch...there was an assortment of animals from Gerbils to all types of fish while she was growing up...only one I really felt was really mine was a Black Lab that strayed to the house here awhile back...he stayed for over a year and then left (it broke my heart)...at the time of Lar's death we had a black cat named Yoda (the Cat from Hell)..again she was really Lar's cat...loved to be where ever he was...and while he was in the long term hospital my Mom came and stayed at the house to take care of her and my plants... they became great buds..then when Lar died and I took up going to the gym and working I felt that it just wasn't fair to the cat to keep her so I sent her to Wyoming to be with my Mom..they are both happy..and I really didn't miss her...so I've been without a pet for over 2 years now...and I've liked it that way..sure I see puppies or a kitten and think how cool it would be to have a dog to walk/run with or a cat to lay around with when I'm home...but then I think of all the time I'm away....how easy it is for me to just pack up and go away for the weekend...nothing to tie me down....and know it's not fair to the pet. I cannot understand people who have pets and just ignore them after the new wears off...they are a part of the family...

Well, yesterday while at Wally World I ended up in the fish tank part and was looking at the goldfish...and there was this one that just kept coming to the glass and staring at me...he only had a couple of gold spots on him, was mostly white with black spots with these big black eyes...I could tell he hated it there in that tank...so I thought..Now here's a pet that I could deal with..if I get two he won't be lonely and all I'll have to do is feed him once in awhile and clean his bowl...and I have just the bowl for him at home ...Won't that look nice on my glass top coffee table in the living room... and I would have someone to talk to besides my plants WHEN I am home...I won't have to worry about him if I go away for the weekend and if I go for longer I can just pick his bowl up and take it over to #1 Nieces or The Kid's....tooo cool...so I bought Him and a friend...another white gold fish with gold and black spots but has a really pretty tail...fluffy..at first I thought about calling them Gus & Gerturde...but then the Kid reminded me that we had fish named that when she was growing up..then I thought Franki & Johnni but wasn't really happy with that when all of sudden it hit me...Spot & Rover...perfect...they seemed happy with the names too...swam in a big circle and kind of did a lil fish dance...
I've already had a lil conversation with them this morning and they seem to be really happy in their bowl with the really pretty pink plastic anemones plant that looks real and glows in the dark..they can swim in and out of it....
I didn't realize how just another living being would make me feel that much less alone...It give me a warm & fuzzy feeling....
(I think I've finally turned that corner where I really am crazy....LOL)